I just hate life.

[Koalamom]

Can I just take a minute to vent here. I canceled my therapist since she was not working out and I need to get my feelings out here. I hate my life. I am totally alone, broke, taking care of a disabled dh, and high needs kids. I have no family and no friends. I hate where I am in my life and see no purpose for living except for the fact that my mother left me when I young and I would never want to put my kids through that. If not for that I would have left already. So here I stay but I hate moving even. I am considering leaving mothering forum for good as I feel like I have tried to atleast make friends via internet, but they have no idea I am so depressed, and would never even know if I left the site. I am sick of trying here. There has been lots of good support here i the past, but lately it has been hard to log on. I just lurk, hurt and sad hating myself. Hopefully I can get over this but I have been through 3 therapist already and they think I am a lost cause.

[McGucks]

If your therapists think you are a lost cause, keep looking.  I went through so many before I finally found one with whom I connected.  I feel for you especially about the not having friends and family...I do not have family, but social contact (folks I met at LLL and mom's groups) has been what has helped me battle PPD & my long-standing PTSD during DS2's first year of life.  I find it so hard to hear new moms say "I just love my mom and don't know what I'd do without her..." since my mom hated me (she and my dad are both deceased).  Is there anyone with whom you can connect?  You sound very sad and desperate and I am worried for you even though I don't know you.  Your post count is super high, which means you have tenacity, good literacy skills, and are dedicated to being a good mom.  THAT IS A START!  I will keep you in my thoughts and hope that something good comes your way.  It is very hard to find a competent, caring therapist...keep looking.  It was a combo of a good therapist, meds, a lot of hard work on my part, and a loving husband that finally changed my life.  I wish the same your way, mama.  Remember how much your child/children and DH need you.  If you were gone, since you do not have family, your child/children would likely be in foster care if DH could not care for them.  Your loving mama arms are where it's at.  If you have made it through your traumatic childhood and come this far, you have the strength to keep on.  Hang in there and don't stop trying.  That is the advice you would give your own child, right?  Thinking of you.

[syn_ack89]

Hugs.

[Koalamom]

Thanks guys. Trying to be positive today...

[lapoli]

I'm glad to hear, bluebirdmama1. Sometimes, just acknowledging your frustrations and sadness out loud can make a big difference.

Hope you're feeling better.

[Jessa Minnet]

"disabled dh, and high needs kids"

Can you explain more? It sounds like you carry the burden, for sure. What is your source of income? How old are the kids and what are their needs? Can you explain a little about how you got to this point? Do you have any support networks at all other than here at MDC? What do you mean by them thinking you a "lost cause"?

I don't usually respond to posts like this - mostly because I am not sure what I can offer - but I suppose something struck a chord. I have been down pretty low before where it felt I had no hope, and really disliked my therapist - felt like she was patronizing and that was getting me nowhere. Sometimes things suck, but they don't necessarily have to keep sucking, and there is always help out there, so don't throw in the towel just yet.

[Koalamom]

Jessa, I don't really feel like posting about it much expect yes there is no other support, and my dh's back was crushed in the military. I sometimes pretend my dh isn't around to feel more happy because he gets very depressed when he is in pain and that brings me down. His monthly compensation doesn't pay the bills so they are stacking up.

I think they feel I am lost cause because I probably am by the way it sounds. No friends, no money, my family and no way to get this as you need as money to get somewhere.

[Jessa Minnet]

I see. That's fine. I guess the reason I was asking, is that it seems there must be at least some things. I know what it was like when I was on welfare - back in the day - and have people ask, neigh, question why I wasn't able to get on top of things when others could - that really sucked. (Basically, it seemed you had to lie in the first place to even GET assistance, the way it is set-up.) 

Anyway…. What about "Family Support" from the military? I am guessing you still qualify for some benefits like access to this, no? And is your DH's medical covered, I hope? I am thinking it could be worth-while to try to develop some relationships with some people in this arena, since the military is basically responsible for making sure your family has some decent standard of living. I know they offer classes/counsel on budgeting - that may be a first good option. I know you are low on energy and time - but you will certainly have to forge ahead if you are going to make some changes. I also know it is hit or miss w/ getting help from people in the military - complacency is prevalent, I know. You just have to suck it in and be ridiculously sweet to everyone, and eventually you will find someone… You should at least get some advice on bankruptcy - this may be a good option at this point.

However - and I wonder if I should have mentioned this first - depression will give you a reason for everything not being a good solution; it will cause you to shoot things down before you even try.Easier said than done, I know, but I really think you ought to look for a therapist that would never give up on you, and at the same time will not patronize you or simplify things to much, or let you get away with whining too much. I think the best counselors IO ever had would call "bull-sh*t" on me from time to time. The thing is, you sound pretty smart, as far as I can tell, and I know that people who are smarter can sometimes outsmart their counselors - this I know from experience. It seems like this sort of counselor could be outsmarted and eventually succumb to their own frustrations and snap on you.  Assuming you have Tricare, I think you ought to really take advantage of this as much as you can. Hopefully you don't have any co-pays…?? II would just keep making appointments and showing up until they do something to help you. Your DH should not be suffering from depression, either, and they should be helping him with this.

Okay - I had better quit for now before I start sounding like a know-it-all… if I haven't already. I don't mean to, but I feel like I might have some advice, as I have experience with depression, FMS, the military, etc. I think it is important to be able to open up to suggestion sometimes, especially if what you have been trying hasn't been working for you.

Also, I meant to ask, do you have any sort of hobbies or interests? What did you do in your former life that you enjoyed? I know you don't have the time or money, but if you would just humor me, I might even have some suggestions. You can shoot them all down, but I would at least like to try to challenge you a bit. 

By the way, my boyfriend suffers from depression I have taken him (reluctantly) on "field-trips" to nurseries or whatever, to try to cheer him up. If all else fails, I will tell him he had better stop channeling Eeyore or I will challenge him to a tickle-fight, wherein I will no doubt kick his arse.

 

[NiteNicole]

I am so sorry.  It sounds like you have a huge amount of responsibility and not many resources at all.  That would overwhelm anyone. 

I don't have any suggestions and I'm sorry for that but I couldn't read this and not post.  I hope you can find someone in your community to reach out to.  A church or an mdc mom in Finding Your Tribe?

Also, I've been a member here for years and I don't have mdc mom-friends.  This forum is just so huge I think people just get swallowed up.  Maybe you can find a smaller forum (or maybe someone can suggest one?) that's active but not SO active.  Some of the people I rely on most or people I met on a forum dedicated to something really really specific.

[Koalamom]

Thanks Nicole!

Jessa, I would love to know more of what the military has to offer- atleast for dh. His coverage doesn't extend to the rest of us but we have been fighting that for over a year. I am not sure of anything really local and the closest VA hospital is over a hour away.

I wont give up on therapist just yet. Medicaid does cover it and no co pays so that is nice. If it weren't for that, I wouldn't even be able to afford it. So that is a plus.

As for hobbies, I am still trying to figure out what is really mine and not just pushed on me by the cult I recently got out of. I lived every bit of my core for it, brainwashed, and now I feel like all of the life choices I made were based around it. I am trying to heal from this and some of my hobbles are triggers for the abuse so I am not sure if I even want to be who I was.

[Koalamom]

PS- Jessa, that dog is crazy cute!

[Andrea Rowe]

Hi!  I just joined after reading your post.  I feel for you.  My husband probably often feels like how you do because he has me (I'm disabled from a flukey dukey genetic problem called Cowden Syndrome and three diagnoses of cancer before age 30), our kids have Cowden Syndrome and special needs from that, and he is basically the only financial provider.  I hate it.  I try to take care of everything I can at home to make the burden as light as I can on him but I have real physical limitations.  I face a lot of depression and anxiety from my medical past/uncertain future (and my kids as well) so I understand how you feel with the depression from that perspective. 

Also I understand how it can feel for having no family.  My mom died from colon cancer in November 2010 and pretty much everyone has nothing to do with me now.  It's this family unit--husband, kids, me and in that order.  We are always broke due to having to go 3 hours to the only medical clinic in Arkansas that knows what Cowden Syndrome is. 

Anyway, the purpose of that was to let you know you aren't alone.  I know this is my first post so you don't know me but I felt like I should respond.  Because I have depression I know the tendency to isolate so I understand why you may be thinking of leaving for that reason. I have emails sitting in my hotmail account that are 4 months old from my isolating myself.  I've lost Facebook friends when isolating myself.  A lot of folks don't get it but a lot of folks do.  Think hard before doing that.  I once left every moms group I was a part of for many years and I truly regret it now.

I hope things will start looking up soon!

[momfosampson]

The best thing that I have found to do was look around for support groups.

There are so so so many out there. Another way to find friends are book clubs too. It gives you release, helps bond to others, and get your mind off your family and issues. I'd love to find a book club but am nervous about branching out too. :) 

Keep looking. You are not a lost cause.

[kayleesmom]

just sending you hugs.

[Mom31]

What about the mental health support groups,,, can't think of the acronyms.. but I have thought about checking those out.

I am really having a flare up right now and can't think really strait.. I don't handle any stress at all well and it sounds like you are to the max.

I am so sorry for all you are going thru.

There is hope and light at end of tunnel.. I have seen it I promise it is there.