Would you take your kids on a 1 month vacation without their dad? - Page 2

[Linda on the move]

I would. Visiting relatives, esp. Ill ones, isn't a vacation.

As far as x-dp saying one thing is fine and then being pissy about it, does this relate to why he is an x? I think that letting go of keeping your x happy will bring you greater peace.

Many kids are away from a parent for a month for a variety of reasons.

If you let go of making other people happy, what would you really want to do?

[Nicole730]

I would probably do 4 weeks.

[beenmum]

My DH would miss the kids so Much. But we have been seperated for months/weeks at a time b/c of my DDs health.

I was away from my kids for two weeks b/c my dad just died.

Its doable. This women is very ill. I think everyone should put that issue first and make it a learning experience. It wont traumatize anyone, honestly.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by DevaMajka 

I asked him, and he said it was ok to go for the 4 weeks. But he has a history of telling me that "it's fine" and then being all bummed out or grumpy or whatever about it, so I can't trust that it's really ok. Basically, he's no help in figuring it out.

I've seen this come up in your threads before. I know what it's like. BTDT. But, you know something? You're not responsible for his inability to be honest with you (or himself). It's not your job to figure out what he really means when he tells you something is okay.

I made the tickets for 3 weeks, and now my mom is bummed because she doesn't have any vacation, and only gets to see us on her days off. I can change them for free within 24 hours. So I have my mom and my Aunt bummed because it's only 3 weeks, and exdp telling me that it's ok if I go for 4. I guess I should take him at his word and go? Maybe I should just suck it up and buy a ticket for him, then repay my family for it somehow.

Yes. Take him at his word. I'd have mixed feelings about this, too, but I really don't think you can base your actions on second-guessing what he says.

[Adaline'sMama]

My DH had the opportunity to go across the country for 4 weeks and make $3000 this past winter while he was pretty much not working at all (landscaping is seasonal). He couldnt do it because he didnt want to be away from DD that long. There's no way I would take my kids away from one of their parents for that long.

[Super~Single~Mama]

I made the tickets for 3 weeks, and now my mom is bummed because she doesn't have any vacation, and only gets to see us on her days off. I can change them for free within 24 hours. So I have my mom and my Aunt bummed because it's only 3 weeks, and exdp telling me that it's ok if I go for 4. I guess I should take him at his word and go? Maybe I should just suck it up and buy a ticket for him, then repay my family for it somehow.

Take him at his word, if he doesn't want you to go, he needs to speak up and TELL you.  He's being immature by forcing you to guess what he thinks and wants.  Just go, he and kids will be fine - they can skype, talk on the phone, and send emails (with lots of photos of what the kids are doing).  You'll probably also enjoy the time away from him to clear your head a bit.

[MJB]

My 8 yr. old is going on a 4 week vacation with his dad this summer. I'm going to have him for the first 6 weeks of summer and his dad will only see him for a few days in the middle. We've worked up to that over the years, though, and even this plan sounded terrible to me at first. 

I don't think my husband could stand going a month without the littler kids (5.5 and 10 mos). I think the longest he's been apart from our 5 yr. old is a week on business. 

Honestly, if your ex says it's fine and you want to go I say go for it! Honestly, as much of any of us hate to be away from our kids, it's no big deal in the grand scheme of things. 

[onlyzombiecat]

If you want to go for 4 weeks and your ex has said he is fine with you taking the kids for that long then go. If he didn't mean it then he shouldn't say it and maybe he needs to learn that by you always taking him at his word. And if he wants to come he should pay his own way.

If you only want to go for 3 weeks then just go for 3 weeks. It's too bad your mom won't be off work every day of your visit but 3 weeks isn't an insignificant amount of time to take out of your lives either.

Basically decide what you really want to do and stop wasting time worrying about if it will upset person x or person y.

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by DevaMajka 

I asked him, and he said it was ok to go for the 4 weeks. But he has a history of telling me that "it's fine" and then being all bummed out or grumpy or whatever about it, so I can't trust that it's really ok. Basically, he's no help in figuring it out.

Tape this where you can see this: You are not responsible for his feelings.

You asked him, he said fine. Treat him like the adult he is and take him at his word. If he's all bummed and grumpy, then you can say "oh, it looks like you've changed your mind. Maybe this experience will help you the next time we need to make a decision like this." Then LEAVE IT.

He is putting you in a no win situation and one of you has to put a stop to it. If you believe him, and go for 4 weeks, he gets grumpy because you took him at his word. If you don't take him at his word, then he'll get grumpy because you 'didn't believe' him. If you're damned if you do, and damned if you don't, make a choice that makes you happy.

[phathui5]

"But he has a history of telling me that "it's fine" and then being all bummed out or grumpy or whatever about it, so I can't trust that it's really ok "

With you two not being together, I would think that this isn't your issue. His lack of communicating his feelings doesn't need to dictate your plans. If he says it's ok, then let it be ok.

[amma_mama]

I would take him at his word and do the four weeks (and let him deal with his own issues), but only if I was willing to allow him to do the same in the future. If you would not be willing to leave the kids with him for an extended period, then I would not expect the same of him now.

[meemee]

OP 3 things happening here. 

1. your sick aunt

2. your family

3. exdp's vascilating mind

to me the biggest reason would be your aunt. i know this sounds kinda crass - but being around sick dying people is one of the biggest gifts you can give your 6 year old. that is the biggest gift xinlaws gave my dd. it has had a HUGE impact on her and how she views life. 

going would behefit your chilcren than not. 

your ex. yes he would miss his kids. but he is the adult here. dd has been away from me for 10 days. yes it was hard to say yes but i did. and while i missed her like crazy she had both. a fabulous time AND missd me terribly too. sorry if i have even an inkling that apart from missing me dd is going to have a ball i am never ever going to hold her back. she is going to see your family. and i agree 4 weeks is much more easier than 2 or even 3.  esp. as tickets are getting so much more expensive. it makes sense to go for the longest period of time you can afford to go for. who knows what next year might bring.

go mama. go for your aunt. your children will light up her life - the last few days she has here. and your 6 year old will learn how to deal with death. ex had to deal with death at 40 - was really hard on him. 

go mama go. this event is bigger than ex's feelings. 

[Linda on the move]

I feel like some of the "I would never do that" posts are coming from people who haven't yet been a situation where it was the best option.

Last year, my kids and I lived apart from my DH for 2 months during a move. He HAD to move for work, and we really felt it was best for the kids to wait until the end of the school year. One of our kids has special needs and transitioning her with 5 weeks left of school, or moving the day after school let out would have gone badly. So we let her finish the school year, have a mellow couple of weeks to unwind, and then moved more towards the middle of the school break.

It was hardest on my sweet husband, who missed me and our kids very much. We saw him once during that time -- the kids and I flew down so we could visit him and see the new school. My DH and I had to decide if him seeing us several times was more important than the kids getting to visit the new city just once because we couldn't do both. We decided that it was more important that the kids see the new city, new school, etc. One of our DDs had a birthday while we were living separately.

Sometimes what is best isn't what is easiest.

[captain optimism]

When I was 9, my mom took my 7-year-old sister and me on a five week trip abroad. It was an incredible experience. I'm much closer to my father than my mother, who were and are married, and I still remember that the trip was great. I think you should plan to stay for a month, if you can swing it financially, and help your kids to connect with their dad using all the technology that currently exists to make that happen. 

[grumpybear]

Yes. I have actually taken my kids on vacation for a cumulative time of 7 weeks (we were 5 weeks into it when DH followed and then he went home 2 weeks before the kids and I went home). We Skyped everyday.

The downside? We all missed each other, of course.

The positive? Because the kids seemed to miss DH so much, they now seem to have a stronger bond.

As DH put it, we came out of it unscathed and grew tons from the experience.