or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Childhood and Beyond › Preteens and Teens › Lying or seriously not getting it?
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

Lying or seriously not getting it?

post #1 of 10
Thread Starter 

So, my DD 10 has been the most difficult of the two so far, in that she really seems to miss about 75% of what is told to her. I got her standardized test scores (which aren't necessarily THE measure to go by, but...) today, and she did quite well, confirming my suspicion that she just isn't listening to anything me, my partner, or older daughter say to her. We have discussed many times that "following directions" is one of the goals we are working towards with her, but she still manages to either not hear or "forget" most of what is told to her, particularly directives and expectations. She seems to remember plenty when it comes to school, but forgets everything at home. I don't think she is incapable of remembering things, but instead, it's an excuse. I don't want to be a hard-a** and tell her there will be consequences for forgetting things, because everyone does from time to time, but there's no way to tell when she's telling the truth and when she's full of it. I know kids need to be reminded of things more than once sometimes, but saying "you need to go take a bath now" shouldn't be so hard to understand. Thoughts?

post #2 of 10
I'm not sure what insight her standardized test provided you with? It seems like following directions from a parent about things like bathing have little or nothing to do with scores on a test. Can you explain why you think they confirm that she just isn't listening?

When you say, "You need to take a bath now," what happens next? Do you just keep doing what you're doing and not follow up immediately to make sure she's doing what you asked? One of my three could get lost walking from one room to the next, so I have to stay on her to make sure she follows directions. If I ask her to clear her dishes from the table (for example), I don't let up on her until it actually gets done. I repeat myself as many times as I need to. Sometimes I will "help"
her (which means standing there and reminding her while she does it). So, in your example, I would pay attention to what she does immediately after the request. Does she acknowledge it? Does she ask to finish something she's working on before she bathes? Can you set a timer and say, "When this timer goes off in ten minutes, you need to go to the bathroom and take your shower, " and then remind her again when it goes off. Can you physically walk her to the bathroom? Is she defiant or just spacey? Do you think there could be attention deficit issues? I'm just throwing out a bunch of ideas/questions because I think most of us would need more background and details to give good advice.
post #3 of 10

I think she's just 10.

 

Last night, we were out at an event and came home fairly late. It was past my kids' bedtime. I said to both of them as we walked in the door. "OK, it's time for pajamas and a snack." Did my 10 year old head upstairs for his pjs? Nope. I walked into the kitchen after hanging up my coat and he was picking up his nerf basketball to shoot a few baskets. "What are you doing? What did I just ask you to do?" "Um.. what? Oh, yeah, pajamas," was his response. banghead.gif

 

ETA: This is a kid with a vocab in the 99th percentile and who maxed out the state reading test for his grade. Verbal comprehension isn't a problem. Short term memory? Yep.


Edited by LynnS6 - 5/26/11 at 7:39pm
post #4 of 10
Thread Starter 

Thanks for the responses. The test scores by themselves don't prove anything necessarily, but it is a measure of comprehension. I was starting to worry that her comprehension was the problem, but after meeting with her teachers, she apparently follows directions fine at school and doesn't need to be asked to do anything more than once. The only issue she has at school is bringing her homework sometimes, but that's more of a home issue since that's where she's not listening when I say "Is your homework folder in your backpack?" and she says yes but that doesn't always mean it is. A lot of times she says she did something when she didn't, so I know it's not just a memory issue.

 

I have to tell her to do something about 5 times on average before she actually does it. She also denies that I asked her to do it the first or second time occasionally, which is where the "not listening" comes into play. I literally think it's like a Peanuts cartoon and all she hears is gibberish because she doesn't care what I'm saying. I don't think it's ADD. Her focus has always been pretty good for a kid her age, of course she'll get bored with something she doesn't want to do, but she is quite meticulous and detailed and on task with anything she does want to do or that involves a reward or incentive. She is also like an elephant when it comes to anything that is in her favor to remember: if her sister says she'll give her a cookie next Friday, or her dad tells her she can go on a sleepover the 4th Saturday of the month, she ALWAYS remembers, and these are things even adults might forget. Her memory is amazing in some areas, so that's why I find it particularly troubling that she "forgets" something I told her one minute ago but remembers some other offhand remark from last week. Yeah, I know memory works like that, but it's clear there's not any issue there.

 

I always follow up with her to make sure she's doing what she should be. I have to check on her every five minutes in the morning when we're getting ready to go to school because she won't brush her teeth or wear appropriate clothing if I'm not on her constantly. I have to get up 15 minutes early just to get everything done to leave the house because I have to spend so much time just making sure she's getting ready. If I don't, she just sits on her bed and plays with jewelry all morning or starts drawing pictures or something. However, if it's a Saturday, and she's got plans, she's up and out of bed and completely ready before anyone else is. She's totally capable of doing it on her own, but if she doesn't want to, then she won't. And of course at her grandparents' house or a friend's house she's a perfect angel. It's just at home that this happens.

post #5 of 10

I wouldn't necessarily rule out ADD, as people with ADD tend to hyperfocus on things that interest them.  My daughter does have ADD, and she behaved the way your daughter is acting when she was young.  My daughter also had super-high test scores, but her grades were crap because she quickly lost interest in anything that was busywork, non-engaging, or repetitive.  She also had trouble somewhere in the homework chain.  If she brought it home, she forgot to put it in her bookbag.  If she put it in her bookbag, she left her bookbag behind in the morning.  If the bookbag made it to school, she forgot to take the homework out and turn it in...  It is incredibly frustrating.

 

My suggestions.  Make sure she is looking at you when you give her directions/instructions.  Touching her while speaking and making eye contact helps too.  Do not give multi-step directions.  Are her clothing/supplies laid out the night before?  This helps immensely and helps to eliminate some distractions when it comes to getting ready.  Is her room neat or is she really messy?  My daughter was always easily distracted in her bedroom because there was soo much junk in there, and it was always more interesting that what she actually went into her room to do. 

post #6 of 10
Quote:
Originally Posted by jdsf View Post
I always follow up with her to make sure she's doing what she should be. I have to check on her every five minutes in the morning when we're getting ready to go to school because she won't brush her teeth or wear appropriate clothing if I'm not on her constantly.

 

This might also explain why she's not paying attention -- she doesn't have to because you've taken that job for her. Think of an analogy: When someone else is driving me somewhere I don't pay attention to the directions or worry about the route, because they've got that under control. I don't need to worry about it. If I'm driving, I need to pay a lot more attention.

 

Right now, you're driving your daughter. It might be time to let her take the wheel for some of this small stuff. "Oh dear, you're not dressed for school and your hair isn't brushed? Oh well, off you go in whatever you're wearing and however you look." "You missed the bus? Guess we'll have to walk." (I would have my kids walk to school if they missed the bus, and I know for a fact that dd will walk to school more than once in her career.) "Didn't get your homework done? Guess you'll have to do study hall instead of recess." "Chores not done? Too bad you don't have time for a snack before bed."

 

post #7 of 10

Yeah, she's 10 alright.  My 11 year old (soon to be 12) DS is the same way.  I have to tell him 3 times to go shower and have to remind him to put his clothes in his hamper even though it is literally right next to wear he undresses.

 

Standardized tests don't have anything to do with it.  I was always in the 99th percentile, but I was lazy when I was 10!  I was exactly like my DS.  I can't fault him for being the way he is.  It's just his age.  I like the PP's advice of natural consequence.  I think after a couple times of that, she will shape up.  I plan to try it myself!

post #8 of 10
Quote:
Originally Posted by enkmom View Post

 

My suggestions.  Make sure she is looking at you when you give her directions/instructions.  Touching her while speaking and making eye contact helps too.  Do not give multi-step directions.  Are her clothing/supplies laid out the night before?  This helps immensely and helps to eliminate some distractions when it comes to getting ready.  Is her room neat or is she really messy?  My daughter was always easily distracted in her bedroom because there was soo much junk in there, and it was always more interesting that what she actually went into her room to do. 


 

I think this is a HUGE thing.  People think I am ignoring them a lot of the time, but if they would just say my name *first* and then wait until I was looking at them, I would catch much more of what they are saying.  It drives me crazy when someone is just talking (in my opinion) and then half-way through I realize they were talking to *me.*

 

A schedule can also help with things you are talking about.  If she needs to shower at the same time every day, there is less reason for them to "forget."  They still will, but it puts the responsibility on them.
 

 



Quote:
Originally Posted by SuburbanHippie View Post

Yeah, she's 10 alright.  My 11 year old (soon to be 12) DS is the same way.  I have to tell him 3 times to go shower and have to remind him to put his clothes in his hamper even though it is literally right next to wear he undresses.

 

Standardized tests don't have anything to do with it.  I was always in the 99th percentile, but I was lazy when I was 10!  I was exactly like my DS.  I can't fault him for being the way he is.  It's just his age.  I like the PP's advice of natural consequence.  I think after a couple times of that, she will shape up.  I plan to try it myself!



 

post #9 of 10

Most of what everyone else has said.  Shes 10, shes not paying attention to most of what you are saying.  School has tons of follow up.  Is there a schedule or routine at home?   She may need a routine and its going to take time for that routine to start flowing.

My kiddo is 10, he has good days and spacey days.  It has nothing to do with intellect, hes 10!

post #10 of 10

Sounds just like my ten year-old.

 

She needs a lot of repetition, a lot of follow-up and guidance.  Bathing is just not a priority.  For example, yesterday we got home from a three-day trip in the forest and when I suggested she take a bath she replied, "Do I need to?"  Mosquitoes, dirt, grass, lake water...yes, you probably should, my child.

 

I have finally got her to be able to list her morning routine (wash face, brush teeth, brush hair).  It takes repetition.  And she still doesn't do it many times, I'm sure. 

 

Time, they just need time and gentle repetition.  And routine.

New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Preteens and Teens
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Childhood and Beyond › Preteens and Teens › Lying or seriously not getting it?