What a hard place to be! I can only share my own experience and decisions, hope it helps!
With dd1 I had a very long labor that ended in the hospital with a c/s. Turns out she was posterior, became seriously asynclitic while she was trying to wiggle into a good exit position, and despite tidal wave contractions I stayed at 7cm until my eventual c/s (about 19 hours at 7cm). She was fine, I recovered well physically, but I developed PPD and PTSD and it took a long time to find my new balance.
With dd2 I wanted a vbac more than anything and found an amazing birth team that specialized (in part) in helping women with birth or sexual trauma achieve natural vaginal births. I had a wonderful hospital birth ended with a severe shoulder dystocia after nearly 4 hours of pushing (unmedicated, all sorts of positions). I was squatting when it happened, the Gaskin didn't relieve the dystocia, and eventually my provider had to reach in and twist dd2 out... dd2 required resuscitation and I had a 4th degree tear that required around 200 sutures to close. I also had pph and developed bladder and uterine prolapse afterwards. DD2 has some minor neurological quirks that could be related to the oxygen deprivation and a droopy eyelid/sensory problems that might be the result of a braxial nerve injury (common during a sd).
With ds I again wanted a vbac, but I was now considered "doubly" or even "triply" high risk... I was a VBAC mom, I had a history of SD, and I had pelvic organ prolapse. I did a lot of soul searching, a lot of research, a lot of role-playing of different scenarios to try and figure out what I could do to make ds's birth a "no regrets" event. The birth team I used with dd2 was no longer an option (they moved out of state) and the local hospital no longer supported vbacs with any consistancy. I planned a homebirth but just never meshed with the midwife and felt like she wasn't taking my concerns seriously. Eventually I found a hospital midwife practice that was willing to work with me at a hospital about an hour away. I wasn't considered any more "high risk" than any other VBAC mama (the hospital has a 41 week limit on VBAC, and requires a heplock, but that was "it") and they never batted an eye at my hands off birth plan. I also decided that while I wanted a vbac I wasn't willing to make it an all or nothing affair and spent a lot of time with DH, my doula, and midwives discussing at what point I wanted to move from a vbac to a rc/s.
And I guess that's my advice... role play every scenario you can think of. If you have a homebirth and you or the child suffers a birth injury, will you blame yourself for not being in a hospital "this time"? If you're in the hospital and you or the babe suffer an injury, will being in the hospital make you feel like you "did all you could" or will you feel guilty thinking that maybe if this or that intervention hadn't happened neither would the injury? If you're in a hospital and nothing happens but you end up with a bunch of interventions will you blame yourself for "putting yourself through that for nothing"? It's such a complex and personal decision, and so many things go into finding that personal balance...
I'd also suggest researching your local (and mostly local) options... perhaps a local ICAN group can point you towards the most hands off hospital providers, or suggest homebirth midwives who would work with you? I didn't find the hospital midwife program I ended up using until nearlly my third trimester so I know how nerve wracking it can be doing this sort of research with a "deadline". The more info you can get before getting pregnant the better! And it might help you feel more relaxed in that whole "getting pregnant" phase too.