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I'm not sure if I belong here...

post #1 of 15
Thread Starter 

But I've been living on my own with my two kids since last summer. Prior to that I rented a room in his house. Yes he made me and my dd pay him rent to share a room in his house for over a year and pay more than our portion of bills. It was cheaper and freer to move out! Until he got evicted and showed up for a few weeks.

We have two kids together and he did not sign either of their birth certificates (which he says means I can't get child support from him). Anyways we see each other every week or so and he usually ends up yelling at me about how I am preventing him from being happy or that I'm greedy because I mention the 5K loan I took out to lend him last fall.

About three weeks ago he brought his two dogs here and asked if he could leave them in my shed because his apartment complex doesn't allow dogs. I stupidly agreed thinking he would come by and take care of them. Now I spend two to three hours a day taking care of his dogs which can't come in my house because they try to attack my dog. He won't even bring them any dog food so there eating my dogs food! I am at my witts end. I can't call animal control because the dogs will be put to sleep because of their breed.

He also uses my house as a storage shed, like there is soo much furniture here that is his that I don't use and it just clutters up my all ready small house. That and I can't use my shed which is half the size of my house so my small amount of clutter has to be out in the open in the house instead of in my storage shed where it belongs.

The worst part is he has tons of cars regitered in my name so I can't get state funded daycare assistance for my kids if I get a car. I have a old vw van that I love and will need to put in my name soon if I want to keep it but then I would loose daycare funding. And it's not like he'd watch his kids while I go to school or work because 'I coudln't pay him enough to be a baby sitter'!

I really had to vent he has been driving me crazy lately and I have no real life friends to talk to about this.

Thanks for reading and thanks for any advice.

post #2 of 15

Oh, mama. I'm sorry your ex is such a deadbeat loser. This is my advice to you: you can't control what he does. He will be a deadbeat and take as much advantage of you as you let him. You can control your own actions. You have so much more power than you realize in this situation. Yes, he is taking terrible advantage of you. But you're absolutely letting him.

 

1. File for child support through the attorney general. They will order a paternity test, they will establish paternity, and they'll calculate child support. If he isn't gainfully employed, they'll impute it based on minimum wage. Time to end the free ride for this guy.

2. For the love of god, don't lend him anymore money.

3. Tell him he has one week to get the dogs out, or you'll take them to the pound. They sound dangerous and quite frankly I'd be worried about having them around my kids.

4. Tell him he has one week to get his crap out of your house or you're taking it to the dump or selling it on Craigslist.

'5. I don't quite understand about the cars, but if they are registered in your name, I would sell them in a heartbeat. This guy owes you five grand that I'm 99.99 percent certain that you'll never get back.

6. Read up on codependency. Books like Codependent No More are a great place to start. Also, read up on emotional abuse, because that definitely sounds like the dynamic you're dealing with.

7. Establish massive, major boundaries. He doesn't pay child support, he doesn't watch the kids, he freeloads off of you, he's verbally abusive to you...what exactly does he add to your life besides drama and expense? It sounds like it's time for the two of you to stop hanging out socially, unless it's for visitation with the kids. He will try to guilt trip you terribly, and you need to be immune to it. You could tell him that you only want to communicate via email.

 

I'm so sorry that you're going through this and it sounds like you're so deep in it that you don't realize how utterly unacceptably he's treating you. And I think you might not realize that you're very much enabling him. No judgement, I've been in a similar dynamic myself. From my experience, the best thing I can tell you is that he will not stop taking advantage of you until you stop letting him. It might be really uncomfortable for you to establish those boundaries. It does sound like you have codependent tendencies (again, no judgement, I totally do as well.) It will take strength to make him stop treating you badly, and he will pull out every pouting, guilting, threatening trick in the book to keep you under his thumb. But think of the example that you're setting for your kids, and ask yourself if you would want them to follow your example. Good luck, mama.

post #3 of 15
Thread Starter 

1. File for child support through the attorney general. They will order a paternity test, they will establish paternity, and they'll calculate child support. If he isn't gainfully employed, they'll impute it based on minimum wage. Time to end the free ride for this guy.

 

His response to that is one of two things. Either A 'try and find me to get me to pay' or 'my cousin is a lawyer and if you put me on their birth certificate i'll get custody'

 

 

2. For the love of god, don't lend him anymore money.

 

Check!

 

3. Tell him he has one week to get the dogs out, or you'll take them to the pound. They sound dangerous and quite frankly I'd be worried about having them around my kids.

 

The dogs aren't dangerous to people at all. and there really sweet and playful with each other. My dog is more of the issue with them since they have their own pack dynamic. I would hate to see something bad happen to them just because he is an a**. I suppose I could put 'for free' ads on craigslist for them.

 

4. Tell him he has one week to get his crap out of your house or you're taking it to the dump or selling it on Craigslist.

 

I like this idea. whenever I make this suggestion he tells me he'll sue for destroying his stuff or call the cops on me for stealing it if I try to sell it. So I'm not sure what I legally can and can not do with things he bought and might have reciepts for.

 

'5. I don't quite understand about the cars, but if they are registered in your name, I would sell them in a heartbeat. This guy owes you five grand that I'm 99.99 percent certain that you'll never get back.

 

I let him register cars in my name a few years ago, he made it seem like it would help my credit. After selling them to one of his buddys he never gave me the paperwork to take to the DMV. So right now I have no clue who has the cars or how to get paper work for them. I need to find a way to take care of this because I plan on moving to a new town this fall to go back to school to become an RN and the only way I can get there is if I have a vehicle (or take 20 trips on Amtrak)

 

6. Read up on codependency. Books like Codependent No More are a great place to start. Also, read up on emotional abuse, because that definitely sounds like the dynamic you're dealing with.

 

I agree with the co dependency thing. I have been with him since I was 18 (for a decade) and we had our first kid almost 4 years ago. I didn't realize how much he just plain used me and I let him until I was pregnant with our son. I know I can be independent and make it on my own despite the issues he has caused with my name over the years but he just won't leave us alone!

 

7. Establish massive, major boundaries. He doesn't pay child support, he doesn't watch the kids, he freeloads off of you, he's verbally abusive to you...what exactly does he add to your life besides drama and expense? It sounds like it's time for the two of you to stop hanging out socially, unless it's for visitation with the kids. He will try to guilt trip you terribly, and you need to be immune to it. You could tell him that you only want to communicate via email.

 

I've tried telling him to leave me alone and all he then threatens to never pay me back, or take my kids away or call the police or kill himself or some other crazy notion that makes sense to him. In the past year that we haven't been together he seems to have become really unpredictable. He is obsessed with a fourm called god like productions and thinks the world is going to come to an end and all sorts of conspiracies  are out to get us...

 

 

post #4 of 15

His legal threats are a bunch of nonsense. Get a lawyer, file for child support. I think you have trouble asserting yourself with him. A lawyer can help you do that. Just think, you could call a lawyer tomorrow and never need to speak with him again. With highly charged emotional situations it can be extremely helpful to have objective legal help.

 

 Don't let him in your house. Tell him he has one week to get his junk and you are dumping it on the front lawn. Post a "free curbside" ad on craigslist and be done with it. He won't get custody of the kids because he does nothing to take care of them. It sounds like he manipulates and threatens and you back down. He has figured out your buttons and uses them to his advantage.

 

I get that his dogs are nice - but you have other obligations and things you need to be doing. I doubt you have 2-3 hours per day that you can devote to caring for his dogs, and money to buy their supplies. Again, give him a week and off they go to craigslist or the pound.

 

Communite w/ him via email and keep all your messages. If there is any legal question you will have those records. The police will not care one bit if you get rid of stuff he abandoned at your house.

post #5 of 15

1. Please stop making excuses

2. Take control. This is your life and you are allowing him to walk all over you.

3. His threats are ridiculous and would never stand up with police officers or in court.

4. Take the dogs to his apartment and drop them off. They are his responsibility not yours. Put yourself and your kids first.

5. Take the cars out of your name or sell them.

6. Call your local Salvation Army and donate all of his furniture.

7. File child support. Whether or not they find him it will at least be filed with arrears backing up. If they can't find him or he doesn't pay then he could go to jail. It's better then nothing, and please don't say you don't want the poor guy going to jail. Come on. He doesn't pay child support for two kids. He is not a good man and someone needs to start making him accountable. If it isn't you then the state will.

8. Stop making excuses, clear him out of your life and enjoy your own life and the children. It will change your world.

post #6 of 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamayogibear View Post

1. File for child support through the attorney general. They will order a paternity test, they will establish paternity, and they'll calculate child support. If he isn't gainfully employed, they'll impute it based on minimum wage. Time to end the free ride for this guy.

 

His response to that is one of two things. Either A 'try and find me to get me to pay' or 'my cousin is a lawyer and if you put me on their birth certificate i'll get custody'

 

And you actually think he's going to get custody?  Honestly?  What has he done to enrich his childrens lives?  Nothing?  Thats what I thought - no way will he get custody for being a deadbeat good for nothing.

 

3. Tell him he has one week to get the dogs out, or you'll take them to the pound. They sound dangerous and quite frankly I'd be worried about having them around my kids.

 

The dogs aren't dangerous to people at all. and there really sweet and playful with each other. My dog is more of the issue with them since they have their own pack dynamic. I would hate to see something bad happen to them just because he is an a**. I suppose I could put 'for free' ads on craigslist for them. 

 

Nope, take them to his apartment and drop them off.  Just get rid of the dogs.  If he won't take them, then drop them off at the pound.  They aren't your problem.  Or, since my bet is that they are pitbulls, see if you can find a rescue near you.

 

4. Tell him he has one week to get his crap out of your house or you're taking it to the dump or selling it on Craigslist.

 

I like this idea. whenever I make this suggestion he tells me he'll sue for destroying his stuff or call the cops on me for stealing it if I try to sell it. So I'm not sure what I legally can and can not do with things he bought and might have reciepts for.

 

Then CYA!!!  (cover your ass)  Send him an email, AND a letter (certified, or with Delivery confirmation), AND tell him in person and TAPE RECORD THE CONVERSATION.  Write in the letter:  Date:  May 30, 2011  Dear_____, As you know you have stored X amount of furniture in my storage shed.  As of Monday June 6, 2011 I will no longer be storing it.  You have until then to remove the furniture.  If the furniture has not been removed by then I will be taking it to Goodwill, where I'm sure you can purchase it back for a reasonable price.  Sincerely, Me.

 

You may want to check with a lawyer to make sure you are legally OK, but I'm pretty sure you are.

 

'5. I don't quite understand about the cars, but if they are registered in your name, I would sell them in a heartbeat. This guy owes you five grand that I'm 99.99 percent certain that you'll never get back.

 

I let him register cars in my name a few years ago, he made it seem like it would help my credit. After selling them to one of his buddys he never gave me the paperwork to take to the DMV. So right now I have no clue who has the cars or how to get paper work for them. I need to find a way to take care of this because I plan on moving to a new town this fall to go back to school to become an RN and the only way I can get there is if I have a vehicle (or take 20 trips on Amtrak)

 

Do you know who the buddy is?  You NEED to find out.  Or, you could report them stolen.  The problem is, b/c the vehicles are in your name, if they are ever impounded, YOU are responsible for the cost, no matter what it is.  It happened a while back to someone I know, and they are now on the hook for THOUSANDS of $$ b/c the vehicle was in their name.


7. Establish massive, major boundaries. He doesn't pay child support, he doesn't watch the kids, he freeloads off of you, he's verbally abusive to you...what exactly does he add to your life besides drama and expense? It sounds like it's time for the two of you to stop hanging out socially, unless it's for visitation with the kids. He will try to guilt trip you terribly, and you need to be immune to it. You could tell him that you only want to communicate via email.

 

I've tried telling him to leave me alone and all he then threatens to never pay me back, or take my kids away or call the police or kill himself or some other crazy notion that makes sense to him. In the past year that we haven't been together he seems to have become really unpredictable. He is obsessed with a fourm called god like productions and thinks the world is going to come to an end and all sorts of conspiracies  are out to get us...

 

Go to family court and get a restraining order.  That should take care of him.

 

 



 

post #7 of 15

Oh, mama. I wish you had enough posts to sign up for the surviving abuse forum, because I think that could really be of help to you.

So basically, you are in a bad situation and it's only going to get better if YOU take active steps to change it. He will continue to use you and manipulate you if you give him any opportunity.

I know that strangers on the internet can't diagnose people that they've never met, but I am willing to bet good money that your ex has a Cluster B personality disorder -- either borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder or antisocial personality disorder (sociopathy). The fact that he's showing signs of delusional beliefs really fits right into that -- it's super common to have that overlap. I would really recommend that you read the articles on this page: http://www.drjoecarver.com/3/miscellaneous2.htm

Also, a great book for you to check out is Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That."

Guys like this are notorious for making exactly the kind of threats that he's trying to pull on you. They are typically full and utter BS. There is a governmental system in place to take care of guys like this. You go through the AG, you file for child support, and they will deal with it. You can send a certified letter about the dogs and the stuff.

I do understand this dynamic -- I've lived it and escaped -- and I'm not judging you. But it is so important that you open your eyes and acknowledge that your own thinking and perception of the situation is probably kind of distorted right now. I know you recognize that he's treating you badly. But from my perspective, he's treating you so badly that you should be appalled and enraged. The funny thing about this abuse dynamic (because trust me, what he's doing to you is abusive) is that you somehow lose your capacity for feeling real anger at being mistreated. You should be angry, and you should be taking steps to protect yourself and your children. Your ex is a predator and a manipulator and quite likely a clinical sociopath. Sure, he has good points -- everyone does. But his behavior towards you is overwhelmingly destructive. The first step in getting free is opening your eyes and acknowledging that fact. You have to fix your own disordered thinking. I went through that process and it's hard. But it can be done, and trust me, life is a million times better on the other side.

Let me ask you this -- if he dropped off the planet today, how would you feel? Happy? Relieved? You can make him drop off your life. But it will take real work and strength on your part.

post #8 of 15

I agree with all the good advice given so far.  You absolutely have to stop listening to anything this man says.  He is a liar.  You absolutely must not make decisions based on anything he says.  Because clearly he will say anything at all to keep you in his control.  Do what YOU need to do.  It doesn't matter what he says.  He doesn't control the way the world works, and he can only control you if you let him!  I understand you've been beaten down emotionally - your post is full of what he says will happen if you do this or that.  But it really doesn't matter what he says.  His kind is a dime a dozen - you wouldn't believe how many of them operate on the same script - and as the previous poster said, it's all a load of lies.  He is no authority figure to you, so act of your own accord - you don't need this loser's permission.  He is a deadbeat and you are a parent.  You have the upper hand - and that is what he's scared of you figuring out!

 

Call a lawyer who practices Family Law and ask for a consultation.  Print out what you said in the first post, and bring it with you.  Ask questions about the next step to protect yourself and your children.  Say you want to file for child support - tell the lawyer what your ex's threats are.

 

Next, do NOT converse with this man.  Conversations are his opportunity to yank your chain every chance he has.  If you need to tell him something about the kids, e-mail it: a forum in which he cannot put you on the spot.  You need to give yourself time to reply to his nonsense, because it sounds like you've been under this thumb for quite some time and are very conditioned to giving him his way.  If you shows up unbidden, file a police report.  That doesn't mean calling 911 (although you should, if he stalks or harrasses you), it just means going to a police station and asking to file a report; they won't even act on it if you ask them not to.  But it is time for the life-sucking nonsense to stop, time for active boundaries. 

post #9 of 15

I'm so sorry you are going through this.My exh is an abusive alcoholic,and I'm working my butt off getting him out of our lives.He doesn't live here,he's homeless,but he tries to come here every single day.I just can't do it anymore.He has many charges in his police record for domestics against me.He hasn't paid child support in 3 years.We keep going to court,and he pulls the poor me I'm a homeless alcoholic bit and gets away with it.Friday morning I felt so relieved,he hadn't been here in a few days so for the heck of it I checked the prison database.Yup,he's there.Didn't pay a fine for refusing the leave my dad's property(where I live).He might be out Tuesday,according to an officer I spoke with.I'm hoping he's not.We go back to court for child support on the 30th of june,and the lawyer for the state said he is going away this time.We'll see.He doesn't care what he is doing to the kids,and neither does your ex.It's really sad.My almost 13yo dd was sobbing this morning over her dad.She's so worried about him.I hate him for hurting her like that.But if I let him keep coming around,it's only going to get worse.I have to put a stop to it now.I'm lucky as I have full custody of our kids,his visitation in the divorce agreement is unlimited,as long as he is sober.Which is almost never.So I'm going to start seriously limiting it,maybe once a week,and he must be sober.So it most likely won't happen.He's not allowed to be alone with the kids.I can't trust him.He's stolen from us,food,money,whatever he can.He can't deal with our almost 10yo ds,who is autistic.It's just a mess,and I can tell you from experience,it will only get worse.

 

Call a lawyer for a consultation.Tell him/her everything you've said here.They'll help you get child support,and let you know legally what you can do about the cars,the dogs,and the items he has in your home.I fully understand not wanting the give the dogs to a pound,I have a cat that actually belongs to exh but I keep her because I cannot bear to think of her being put to sleep.I have 6 others,what's one more.But cats are a lot easier than dogs,and much cheaper.I would try to rehome them if he won't come get them in the time you specify.Think about a restraining order.Where I live they are simple to get.You go to family court,find the restraining order office,and they will walk you through it.I've tried to get many against exh,but the problem for me is since he's homeless they can't find him to serve him,they're not going to go trecking through the woods to find his tent.I wish you the best of luck with this.It's really hard,but you can do it.

post #10 of 15
Thread Starter 

Thanks for all the advice mamas! I am going to get a lawyer tomorrow and see if anything can be done to fix this huge problem that is him. I sent him a text mesage and an email saying that he has two weeks to get his stuff and his dogs out of my house. What ever is left I will post on craigslist! I also told him that I am going to file for child support but I doubt that'll result in anything since he can't seem to get a job yet alone stay in the same house/apartment for more than a month or two ( I think most of the time he is just couch surfing). I'll post back here once any developments are made. Thanks for the support, I really need it:)

 

Another thing that really bothers me is that when our daughter was born he told me if I don't do something to make money he will have is cousin the lawyer take her from me. He suggested I go to school to be a nurse like his sister. I decided to give it a try, but he wouldn't watch her so I had to pay for daycare for her which meant I had to get a student loan. So for two and a half years I paid a thousand dollars a month in loans for her to go to daycare so I could go to school to just try to get into nursing school which i don't really care about. I've gotten into nursing school for next fall so I'm going to go just because of how much time and money I wasted getting this far. Okay

post #11 of 15

Sounds like you are taking positive steps.  Come back here if you start doubting yourself!  You might need the support....this is so hard....I know!

 

post #12 of 15

That's great! You are taking really good steps forward. Stay strong and be careful. Has he ever been violent in the past? If you feel threatened, please don't hesitate to call 911.

Nursing can be a really great and stable career. Have you checked to see what kinds of scholarships and government assistance you're eligible for? I know a lot of universities and community colleges have daycare facilities. Are you on Medicaid, Wic, food stamps, etc? I know you mentioned the vehicles that he put in your name are keeping you from being eligible for daycare assistance -- it would be great to get that remedied. 

In my experience with guys like this, when you start setting boundaries they will do anything they can to derail them. I call it the slot machine tactic. They basically try every tactic they can think of until they stumble on one that works. They beg, plead, act really nice, act really mean, threaten to hurt you, threaten to hurt themselves, and so on until you cave in. Be prepared for that. You may want to cut off contact with him for a while. If he's not on the birth certificate, he has no legal right to visitation. You be the judge of that -- if you think he'll be dangerous or try to continue to manipulate you, then please do take steps to protect yourself.

That's really great that you're seeing a lawyer. If you haven't already, make a list of all the threats your ex has made against you and have the lawyer address them. He may be able to reassure you. Good luck!

post #13 of 15

You have gotten awesome advice!  MamaJen and Super~Single~Mama really know their stuff with this.  ;-)

 

He is feeding you so much BS.  I think you will be surprised at how much aide you can qualify for.  It's worth looking into.  Call a local DV shelter and they can give you a list of local aide numbers to check into.

 

His cousin lawyer will never be able to take your kids away, nor get him out of paying CS.  I can bet your ex has never taken the kids to the doctor's or daycare... he likely knows next to nothing about them.  He wouldn't even put his name on the birth certificate.  No way a judge is going to take your babes away from you and give them to such a dead beat parent.  It's called scare tactics, and when you are that far into the abuse and mind games, it does work for a time... until you get a glimmer of light and start talking.  You are doing the right thing by taking a stand against him and getting back control of your life.  You can do this.  Everyone here is super supportive.  You should not have to live with his craziness and bullying.  *hugs*

post #14 of 15

bump.gif bumping to help mamayogibear with her recent troubles

post #15 of 15
Thread Starter 

Thanks for the bump because I sure need suggestions on how to get rid of this guy, his stuff, his dogs and his drama!

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