Will he resent us?

[krisnic]

DP and I adopted a 15 year old (we got him when he was 14.5). His birth family is very toxic. We can no longer allow him to go to his birth mother's home any longer by himself to visit her and his younger siblings, and we don't feel safe going over there either. We have tried time and time again to schedule visits in public, and have offered his younger siblings to come to our house, but BM won't allow that. She is very angry at her son for choosing to live with us, although she signed all of the consent forms and agreed to it.

His older brother (10 years older) has a history with CPS and hops from friends couch to friends couch. I don't know who it is that he lives with and I don't feel comfortable with DS going over there. It hasn't come up yet to where he has had the opportunity, but it will soon. On top of that, all of his friends are not so great. One just got out of juvie, others are involved with the police or have parents with drug/alcohol problems. We have let him go to a lot of their homes, even though we feel completely uncomfortable with it, due to the fact that we do not want to cut him off from everything that he has known.

I don't want him to go to his brothers. I would really like for him to not be with those friends. But I do feel that he is going to resent us later in life from cutting him off from everything. He already blames us for him not seeing his younger siblings because we refuse to let him go to his BM's home. We just can't do it, it's very dangerous there. I feel sick about this. We only get 3 years of his childhood, I don't want to traumatize him even more than he has already been.

[SundayCrepes]

Is it an option for you to go with him to birthmom's and to stay and chaperon?

[Polliwog]

He will probably resent you, at least for a while. He's a teenager. I don't think that he should be going there, either, since it's unsafe. It's a shame that his birth mother won't agree to meet elsewhere. If you did say no, is there a way that he could get there on his own (without your consent?) That would scare me even more than going with him.

Is he working with a therapist? How old is he now?

[krisnic]

No, we can't go there with him. It's just as unsafe for us to be there as it is for him.

The risk of him going on his own is only there as long as school is in session, he could get on the bus, but school is out on Friday and he can't get on the bus without my permission, and the secretary's know me by name, so it's minimal.

He has been in counseling, but stopped. We start again on Tuesday as a family session this time.

[Super~Single~Mama]

I'm not an adoptive mom, so this isn't advice about seeing his BM.  However, siblings CAN petition the courts for visitation with other siblings.  So you (as his parents) can file in family court for visitation on his behalf, and you can ask that the court order visitation with his siblings for a few hours every week, every 2 weeks, every month (whichever would work best for everyone).  It might be a long process, but he IS entitled to visitation with them, and a court would not force him to visit at his BM's home if its unsafe.

Good luck! 

[krisnic]

We actually looked into that - his BM said that if we did that she would flee the state with the other two kids. That's a whole other situation, in which she wants to take the youngest child, a girl, to live with her father who was accused of sexual conduct with an underage girl, so fled the country and is now back. I talked to CPS about it, and they said because he was never tried for the crime and is still her legal father, we can't do anything unless something happens to the little girl. I have more phone calls to make, many to a private investigator, because I'm not okay with that. It makes my stomach turn.

We are actually looking into getting foster care licensed because we feel its only a matter of time before the siblings need to be placed outside their mother's home, and we want them.

She says she will let them see each other an hour a month, but that she won't talk to us or her son. If this doesn't happen, we will re-consult with the attorney to find out our options.

[Smithie]

"We are actually looking into getting foster care licensed because we feel its only a matter of time before the siblings need to be placed outside their mother's home, and we want them."

Very smart and forward-thinking of you. 

Meanwhile... this sounds awful but, can you bribe her? Does she have a habit that requires constant cash? Since your DS' siblings would be completely and totally safe at your house, I don't think it would be morally wrong to get the biomom's consent for visitation at your place by giving her money. Nobody would be hurt by that. 

[Polliwog]

That's horrible. I disagree that no one would be hurt by bribing their birth mother. I think the OPs son and his siblings could all be hurt by that.

[SneakyPie]

Originally Posted by Smithie 

I don't think it would be morally wrong to get the biomom's consent for visitation at your place by giving her money. Nobody would be hurt by that. 

Oh, I disagree v. strongly.  If indeed OP's son's birthmom has a drug habit (I don't know that she does), funding that would be not only putting the younger sibs in danger, but is probably a crime.

OP, I'm sorry this is so hard.  I don't have any words of wisdom at all, but I couldn't read and not offer some support.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by krisnic 

We actually looked into that - his BM said that if we did that she would flee the state with the other two kids. That's a whole other situation, in which she wants to take the youngest child, a girl, to live with her father who was accused of sexual conduct with an underage girl, so fled the country and is now back. I talked to CPS about it, and they said because he was never tried for the crime and is still her legal father, we can't do anything unless something happens to the little girl. I have more phone calls to make, many to a private investigator, because I'm not okay with that. It makes my stomach turn.

We are actually looking into getting foster care licensed because we feel its only a matter of time before the siblings need to be placed outside their mother's home, and we want them.

She says she will let them see each other an hour a month, but that she won't talk to us or her son. If this doesn't happen, we will re-consult with the attorney to find out our options.

My heart aches for all of you.  What a terrible situation.  If I were you, and I'm not, I would get licensed for foster care so that if his siblings go into care you have priority (from lurking on this board I would think you'd have priority....right? Maybe not, but if they do go into care your ds would definitely have visitation rights!)

I hope everything works out well for you, and for your ds.  What a tough situation.

[Momily]

Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama 

I'm not an adoptive mom, so this isn't advice about seeing his BM.  However, siblings CAN petition the courts for visitation with other siblings.  So you (as his parents) can file in family court for visitation on his behalf, and you can ask that the court order visitation with his siblings for a few hours every week, every 2 weeks, every month (whichever would work best for everyone).  It might be a long process, but he IS entitled to visitation with them, and a court would not force him to visit at his BM's home if its unsafe.

Good luck! 

But if the adoption has been finalized, they aren't legally his siblings anymore.

I know that's crazy but that's how it is.
 

[Polliwog]

That's not what I was told by social services. The birth parents are no longer the legal parents but siblings always remain siblings.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by Momily 

But if the adoption has been finalized, they aren't legally his siblings anymore.

I know that's crazy but that's how it is.
 

Originally Posted by Polliwog 

That's not what I was told by social services. The birth parents are no longer the legal parents but siblings always remain siblings.

I'm pretty sure Polliwog is right - siblings are siblings, and they remain so until death.  I'm almost positive of that, and I know for a fact in my state that is true (NY).

OP - I wish you all the best, and I hope that you can manage to get through this with as little trauma and craziness as possible!!!

[Smithie]

"I disagree that no one would be hurt by bribing their birth mother. I think the OP's son and his siblings could all be hurt by that."

They could be - but they WILL be hurt by having their relationship cut off. Absolutely for sure, that will cause physological harm. I don't know all the details of the OP's situation, so I couldn't weigh the risks, but maybe she can. 

Of course it's horrible to bribe people. Every thing about this situation is horrible, though -a rehomed teenager, siblings losing contact, etc. Sometimes all of your choices are horrible ones. 

[APToddlerMama]

Originally Posted by Smithie 

Meanwhile... this sounds awful but, can you bribe her? Does she have a habit that requires constant cash? Since your DS' siblings would be completely and totally safe at your house, I don't think it would be morally wrong to get the biomom's consent for visitation at your place by giving her money. Nobody would be hurt by that. 

I'm horrified to be reading this.  Really.  I see the later reply and am still shocked.  This woman is parenting other children and to do anything to undermine that is seriously wrong. By habit that requires constant cash, I am assuming you are meaning a drug habit.  Besides her children, this woman is a person too and to encourage a drug habit or any habit that throws things off balance for this family...well, I guess I have no words.  My jaw is on the floor.  This woman will always be this child's birth mom and to do anything to bring instability to her will ultimately harm OP's son and his siblings. 

OP--Is there a social worker currently working with birth mom and the siblings?  One that you worked with prior to your son's adoption?  Many social workers are very interested in facilitating contact between siblings and might be willing to provide some supervision for this and/or talk to birth mom to convince her that this really is in her best interest and her kids' best interest.  Good luck. 

[APToddlerMama]

I am pretty sure it varies by state.  I've been out of the adoption world for a bit now, and there was a  lot of talk about interpretation of this, but here if two siblings were adopted by different families, the sibling relationship effectively no longer existed legally.  Same if one was adopted and one with birth parents.  I do believe that the initial court order at finalization could address and change that though, but I don't think anything could be done after finalization. 

 

Originally Posted by Polliwog 

That's not what I was told by social services. The birth parents are no longer the legal parents but siblings always remain siblings.

[Tigerchild]

Just putting in that if the OP does in fact wish to have a chance at caring for sibs in the case of removal from the birthparent, doing something as unethical as bribing the birthmom (in many areas there are restrictions against that sort of thing) will pretty much deep six that. (and don't think that birthmom will not let that slip.)  Please be *wise*, not just do what seems the most convenient.  :P

[RedOakMomma]

Wow...bribing?  Uh, NO.  NO NO NO NO NO!  I haven't been in this situation, but on all levels that seems wrong to me.

And let's try to avoid "BM", okay?  It's not a very nice way to abbreviate birthmom.  If the fingers ache with eight letters of "birthmom," maybe compromise and try "bmom"?  :D

OP, best of luck to you.  He's a teenager, so it's pretty much his job to resent you. ;)  I hope that by doing what's right for him, he'll realize (if not now, someday) that you're doing it out of love.  Best of luck in family counseling, too....sounds like a great idea.

[heatherdeg]

Originally Posted by RedOakMomma 

Wow...bribing?  Uh, NO.  NO NO NO NO NO!  I haven't been in this situation, but on all levels that seems wrong to me.

And let's try to avoid "BM", okay?  It's not a very nice way to abbreviate birthmom.  If the fingers ache with eight letters of "birthmom," maybe compromise and try "bmom"?  :D

OP, best of luck to you.  He's a teenager, so it's pretty much his job to resent you. ;)  I hope that by doing what's right for him, he'll realize (if not now, someday) that you're doing it out of love.  Best of luck in family counseling, too....sounds like a great idea.

  All of it.  I taught high school and can assure you that the majority of teens will resent you 42 ways to Sunday... for reasons that vary in logic.  It may take a long time for him to see you did what was ultimately the thing that kept him safest.  But you have to do what you think is right first and foremost.  It sounds like for you, "right" is usually an attempt to make him happy--and that's ideal; but I would not put you or your child in situations that made you highly uncomfortable to that end.

These children come to us honestly.  Keep that in mind.  I do hope family counseling works well for you.  Don't be afraid to seek a new counselor if your family doesn't feel like they can connect to this one.
 

[pumpkingirl71]

When you are a foster parent, you must take the high road.  Sometimes that takes superhuman strength.  So pat yourself on the back : )  Your son may not be happy with you now, but in time he will see that you are doing everything possible to keep his safe!

And to address the bribing suggestion, I am 100% sure that would be grounds for removal if your son was still a foster child (in my state at least).  I am not sure about legal repercussions as his legal parent.  But I completely agree with tigerchild, it would ruin any chance you had to have the siblings placed with you 

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