My vent
Okay, so here is some obvious advice....When 9 days overdue and experiencing frustrating, weepy insomnia...DO NOT go off to read birth stories and read about a placental abruption of a red-haired (same as me) mamma with 5 older(same as me) kids at a planned homebirth(like the one I'm planning) Do NOT read it when it says in the title the baby does not live.DO NOT read it when it's the same 3 hours of despair anyway that creepy things hold on to the brain.Do NOT read it TWICE!!!!!! Not a good idea.Just sayin.
Also, what is up with all the troubling birth stories on that forum here?Geez! I go to inspire myself with visions of beautiful births and one in 4 does NOT have a warning of some type! It's very distressing!
My Early Labor
Also, our bunny passed away yesterday and I am just feeling encompassed by bad omens.My attempts at clearing them out seem to invite more,and it's making me genuinely concerned,then upset and mad then weepy and feeling out of control,then obstinate, like I can control my own future but my own positive thinking.(If that were true, I would not have conceived this baby.) So clearly I'm having issues with control and acceptance.No wonder this baby is holding tight! I'm a mess! And it's not ALL just 3-6am insomnia talking.
My Transition
I have become a selfish, lazy, self-centered woman through this pregnancy.Somehow rationalizing that it was required for my own well-being.What a nasty trap! I thought I had addressed all this months ago, but apparently, not well enough.So I have to birth a new me, with more grace, more discipline, more compassion and more personal ethics, to mother and birth this baby.You know who I know that is like this?Women who have lost their baby's in the hours of birth or just after.I don't like the feeling of preparing about this.I want to belive this baby is perpetually alive and well and healthy.I want THAT baby so I can gloss over all these issues and chalk it up to hormonal imbalances in late pregnancy.I want a happy,healthy glowing babymoon.
I don't feel I have earned a happy healthy baby this time.I've been too selfish about things.That's the bottom line here.This baby is fine, It's me who's not.
THAT is why I didn't want to conceive again.
That is why I wanted to turn my back on the most beautiful part of my life-having babies.
So, why the selfishness?Why the abandonment of my greatest self?
1- peer pressure/lack of support/blending in
2-My required focus on non baby things like older adolescent children and reviving my marriage/learning to be a better wife, and the stress of a failing homeschool.
I spread myself too thin.I started making cuts, but I misjudged and cut the wrong areas.I opted for distraction rather that focus on the sacred, and most important things.
I relinquished my own personal authentic self.
It's no wonder I can't birth.I have not been available.
My Re-Birth
I AM a powerful woman.
I have the strength and ability,even talent to grow and birth beautiful,healthy children,AND be a good mother to each of my children,AND be a good wife, AND facilitate the best education for my children.
I will not give up this power for empty selfishness.I will guide this power to heal and find,even create the support I need.I can do this.I am fully capable of all required of me.I am up to the task.And I will succed by using what grace and wisdom I have, and by building on these strengths.
This baby is not an inconvenience or a mistake,it is a specific person, with a specific purpose, and I am this baby's Mother!.This birth is not a barrier.It is a door.
I am not held back by this experience, I am freed.No longer held by conventional constraints.No longer bound by conventional expectation,I sense my own potential.My children know this,and I have been a poor student of their teachings for too long.
I am too fortunate, and too blessed to be anything less.
MYSELF. 
AntiLVs for you!!
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