Sleepover ground rules? Addressing issues with Grandma...... LONG post..... - Page 2

[APToddlerMama]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 

But there is behavior that is fine for teens/young adults that isn't stuff that younger kids need to be a part of. I think drinking and partying is part of that.

I think that some of the stuff I let my teen DDs watch on TV or DVDs would be totally off limits if we had a 7 and a 4 year old spending the night. Heck, some of the stuff I'm fine with my kids watching is off limits when they have younger friends over! 

To me, a drinking party in the back yard doesn't mix with a little kid sleep over. That grandma doesn't get that shows a lack of judgment IMHO.

I totally agree with this. I'll bet you're surprised, Linda ;).  Sure, its not of OP's business how her mom deals with her son, but it is at OP's discretion to decide how to parent her own children, and putting them in a risky situation is a bad idea.  Sexual abuse aside, young men getting drunk and partying around kids is totally 110% inappropriate and I would never subject my kid to that.  And to pp who said that they would be offended if someone said their adult kid's friends couldn't be trusted not to molest children--I am sorry but there is no way for you, grandma, or anyone else to guarantee that isn't going to happen.  Yes, I might be offended if someone said that about my son, but his friends?  Certainly nobody can make that type of promise about their adult son's friends, and anyone who does is apparently unaware of just how common sexual abuse is.  OPs responsibility is to her kids, not to someone's hurt feelings over the fact that she is being an adult and protecting them as she should. 
 

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 

Originally Posted by 2xy 

I can completely understand where the OP is coming from, but I am a mother to two young men. If someone, especially another family member, suggested to me that my sons and their friends couldn't be trusted not to molest their child, I would be rather defensive.

But there is behavior that is fine for teens/young adults that isn't stuff that younger kids need to be a part of. I think drinking and partying is part of that.

I think that some of the stuff I let my teen DDs watch on TV or DVDs would be totally off limits if we had a 7 and a 4 year old spending the night. Heck, some of the stuff I'm fine with my kids watching is off limits when they have younger friends over! 

To me, a drinking party in the back yard doesn't mix with a little kid sleep over. That grandma doesn't get that shows a lack of judgment IMHO.

Yeah, I think it was the OP insisting that the grandmother sleep in the same bedroom as the girls with the door locked is probably what got the grandmother so upset and defensive.  I wouldn't be worried about sexual abuse per se, but I would NOT want my very young children in a home where there was lots of drinking (a movie and a few beers wouldn't bother me - people drinking in excess WOULD bother me) was going on, and I wouldn't allow my children to sleep at a home where there was that much drinking happening.

There are lots of things that can go wrong when adults are drunk that don't include sexual abuse that would come to my mind before sexual abuse.

[2xy]

Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama 

Yeah, I think it was the OP insisting that the grandmother sleep in the same bedroom as the girls with the door locked is probably what got the grandmother so upset and defensive.  I wouldn't be worried about sexual abuse per se, but I would NOT want my very young children in a home where there was lots of drinking (a movie and a few beers wouldn't bother me - people drinking in excess WOULD bother me) was going on, and I wouldn't allow my children to sleep at a home where there was that much drinking happening.

There are lots of things that can go wrong when adults are drunk that don't include sexual abuse that would come to my mind before sexual abuse.

Same here. And a child molester is a creep whether s/he is drunk or sober, and can cause damage in either condition. So I think the OP needs to figure out whether she is upset at her brother's friends being over or upset about them drinking....because if those friends are sketchy people, they'll be sketchy even if they aren't drinking.

[mamazee]

A creep is a creep whenever, but drinking lowers inhibitions, and it being overnight makes supervision lower.

I'd just say no more sleepovers and deal with her reaction. I don't let my kids have sleepovers with my parents for other reasons, but valid reasons, and I just say no. I dont' get into a conversation about it.

[APToddlerMama]

Originally Posted by mamazee 

A creep is a creep whenever, but drinking lowers inhibitions, and it being overnight makes supervision lower.

Exactly!

[amyandelle]

Thank you everyone for your replies!

My Mom stopped by this past Wednesday and asked if the girls could spend the night on Saturday. I asked her if anyone else would be sleeping over and she huffed and puffed that she didn't know and that I am being crazy. I proceeded to tell her that the girls could come over for the afternoon but that they would have to come home that night. She got all defensive and told me that this boy would not be a problem. I told her that my feelings on the matter are not going to change and that I am not singeling out this one boy. I do not want any adults sleeping over if my girls are there and if she cannot agree to that then there will not be anymore sleepovers. I didn't even get to bring up the issue of the drinking because she got up and stormed out of the house.

She did come and pick them up for the day on Saturday and she did bring them home that night. However my 7 year old told me that her uncle and 5 of his friends were having a party in the backyard while they were there. She did not say anything about the drinking (I don't know if she realizes that they are not drinking soda) so I don't know for sure that they were drinking but that seems to be what my brother does.

So now I am waiting for my Mom to ask me if they can come over again and I will be addressing the partying issue before agreeing that they can come over. My dd said that her and her sister were in the backyard with my brother and his friends. I definatly do not want this going on. I don't want my girls to think that this is acceptable behavior. I know that this is not going to go well with my Mom when I tell her that they cannot come over if there is going to be drinking going on. She swears that they are not getting drunk. Honestly I don't care if they are getting drunk or just a little buzzed. I do not want my children around anyone who is drinking period. Alcoholism runs in my family. My father is a raging alcoholic and that along with drug use is why my parents got divorced after 17 years of marriage. All sorts of addiction runs in my husbands family as well. We want to be very cautious about what our girls are exposed to and this type of behavior is something we want to aviod at all costs. My Mom does not seem to get it or care how I feel so I know there is yet another huge battle coming.

Amy

[APToddlerMama]

That is great that you were able to do that Amy!  The fact that your mom doesn't have the emotional maturity to refrain from throwing a tantrum and name calling is a pretty good indicator that you've made the right choice.  Is there a way you can pop in unannounced from time to time and see what your brother and his friends are up to so *you* actually know and don't have to take your mom's word for it? 

[LynnS6]

Wow, I'm really impressed with how you were able to firmly and calmly set a boundary with your mom.
 

Originally Posted by amyandelle 
So now I am waiting for my Mom to ask me if they can come over again and I will be addressing the partying issue before agreeing that they can come over. My dd said that her and her sister were in the backyard with my brother and his friends. I definatly do not want this going on. I don't want my girls to think that this is acceptable behavior. I know that this is not going to go well with my Mom when I tell her that they cannot come over if there is going to be drinking going on. She swears that they are not getting drunk. Honestly I don't care if they are getting drunk or just a little buzzed. I do not want my children around anyone who is drinking period. Alcoholism runs in my family. My father is a raging alcoholic and that along with drug use is why my parents got divorced after 17 years of marriage. All sorts of addiction runs in my husbands family as well. We want to be very cautious about what our girls are exposed to and this type of behavior is something we want to aviod at all costs. My Mom does not seem to get it or care how I feel so I know there is yet another huge battle coming.

I did want to address this, however. While I understand that alcoholism/addiction runs in the family, there's reason to be cautious about this particular stance. Do you know who's most likely to abuse alcohol?

1. Children of alcoholics

2. Children of teetotalers

Why? Neither group has seen/experienced responsible alcohol use.

If there are people who drink responsibly in your lives, you might reconsider this stance. My kids, for example, have seen me and my husband drink one beer and stop. They've seen/heard us say "No, I can't have any because I'm driving." When my dh ordered a beer sampler at a brew pub, they heard the waitress say "You realize that's 30 ounces of beer?" and my husband and I discussing that it was OK because I would be able to drive home. They're learning that you don't have to get drunk. They're learning that if you have a drink, you shouldn't drive. They're learning it's normal to say 'no'.

Now, in the situation you've described, it's moot point. Your brother does not sound like he's drinking responsibly (it's happening way too often and for too long). Given your family history, I wouldn't want my kids to be there either.

Edited by LynnS6 - 6/11/11 at 10:27am

[2xy]

Yeah....my parents were teetotalers. My mom comes from a long line of alcoholics, and my dad was diabetic. I didn't know anybody who drank, and my parents never threw parties or anything.

My first teenage drinking experiment caused me to pass out, vomit, and feel mildly sick for three days. I was 15 and had no idea how alcohol affected the body, or in what amounts it can safely be consumed. Seriously....if I hadn't thrown up I could have died from the amount I drank. Straight tequila.

[beenmum]

There are 3 sisters that I know. They have 4 girls between them. Every single one of those little girls have been molested by an uncle. And never the sae uncle.

So, yea, no sleepovers with little girls and adult males in the same home.

While I competely understand that not all men are perverts. I have two wonderful sons too.

But I wuold never put either my little girl or my sons in a posistion that could be misconstruied or at worst abused.

The Grandma certianly trust her son. But the 7 friends....no. How could she?

[beenmum]

I agree with you. You have the right to not have your kids exposed to irresponsible alcohol use.