How to be a good friend?

[Just1More]

I am getting to know a family that 3 special needs children.

I really don't want to offend her, or cause her pain.  I'd like to be helpful and kind to her, but I'm not sure what sorts of things could come across wrong.  Would any of you mind sharing with me things that have been very helpful, and if it isn't too painful for you, things that ought not to be said, even by well-meaning people?

Thank you so much.  I just want to be good and kind and understanding for them, but I'm not sure how to be that.

Edited by Just1More - 6/2/11 at 12:25pm

[LynnS6]

How about telling her just what you told us? "I'd like to be a friend, but I don't know what you need? What would help?"

[QueenOfTheMeadow]

Originally Posted by Just1More 

I am getting to know a family that has 9 children.  3 are adopted and are all special needs.  One is severely disabled, about at a 3mo old level at 5 years old.  The other 2 have Down's syndrome, and are 3 and 5.  They are also more severe, both non-verbal.   Just for the background.

I really don't want to offend her, or cause her pain.  I'd like to be helpful and kind to her, but I'm not sure what sorts of things could come across wrong.  Would any of you mind sharing with me things that have been very helpful, and if it isn't too painful for you, things that ought not to be said, even by well-meaning people?

Thank you so much.  I just want to be good and kind and understanding for them, but I'm not sure how to be that.

It sounds like you will be a wonderful friend! I completely agree with Lynn. Just ask her if there is anything you can do to help out.

[IncompetentHousewife]

Absolutely! I agree with what the others said. Speak from the heart.

Don't freak out when her kids do odd things, if they do (as my kids do). Treat them like the regular children they are. To me, the way to be a good friend is to treat my special needs boys as capable.

One thing I haven't really appreciated hearing is that my kids are lucky to have found a mother like me (I'm their pre-adoptive foster mother right now). I know they mean well, but sometimes it rubs me the wrong way. My kids are NOT lucky to have been brain damaged by their neglect and mothers' drug abuse. Lucky would be if all the pain had never happened to them. If I had a child born to me with special needs, I think hearing that it is God's will or something would be painful. I'm quite religious, but I don't think that phrase is helpful.

It's excellent that you are asking and want to be a good friend!

[Fay]

You sound like a wonderful friend.  I wish I had a friend like you!  In addition to asking what she needs, you may also suggest specific things that you can do for her.  For example, when my kids were afraid of the car wash, I would have paid a friend to take my car down the street to the drive-through car wash once every 2 or 3 months (couldn't wash it at home because of my condo's rules).  I've only vacuumed my car once in 5 years because my kids are afraid of vacuums, and I vacuum the condo only when DH takes the kids to the park.  Or maybe you could watch her kids while she's at a doctor's appointment -- self-care is a huge issue for mothers of special needs children.  I never have time for basic organizing at home -- maybe you could offer to organize her photos or the kids' bookshelves.

Be sure to tell her directly from time to time that you have a high opinion of her as a person and as a mother.  Everyone needs this type of encouragement, but mothers of special needs children get blamed for all kinds of crazy stuff, and it's really nice not to be blamed by someone.