Frustrated - I want full bedshare, DH not 100% convinced.

[newgirlintown]

I’m feeling frustrated. Situation is, I want to bedshare from now until it seems right to change, and DH is constantly questioning. We have had a lot of back and forth, since initially I didn't think I would want to bedshare (I was worried about squishing her, mostly, but also hadn’t done research and didn't realize how convenient and cozy it would be), and he thought we would while she was a tiny baby only.

DD is almost 5 months and after we stopped swaddling two weeks ago, she falls asleep nursing in the big bed and won’t be moved to her crib. Previously we had been swaddling and when I was ready to go to bed I would move her into her crib until the first waking, at around 1 or 2am, and she would sleep the rest of the night with us. So, for the last week or so she has been sleeping the whole night with us. It’s been pretty swell for me, with us getting tons of sleep, until last night for me, for some reason. Plus I really really like having her next to me.

The latest conclusion we have come to is that I will be in charge of finding out a way to move her out of the bed only at the time that it becomes a problem. He has said he wants a plan, and I say that we don't know what kind of sleeper she will be and I don't see the point of stressing before we know when bedsharing becomes a problem for us (well, mostly I mean me, since I feel like DH is only begrudgingly agreeing to this).

My frustration is that not having the full, unquestioned support from DH makes me feel stressed about how we are doing things. I feel like I always have to prove to him that this is the best for her and for us (ie that she sleeps best when next to me, I sleep more when I don't have to get up, etc). I also feel like it means I have less of a solid support mechanism to go to when I am frustrated with bedsharing, if I have had a bad night or if DD has, because that will undermine the argument that it is best for us.

Has anyone else had a similar situation? I love reading through the forums and knowing I am not alone, since only one of my friends has bedshared and the rest think it is bizarre. Sorry this was a bit long!

[holz]

Sort of in the same boat- neither my husband nor I come from families that co-sleep with babies- his only experience was that his little sister slept in his mom's bed after his parents' divorce, and MIL had a bit of trouble getting her out around age 12- so there goes my "he won't want to sleep with us forever" argument.

DS is 9 months and starting to take up a little too much room in our bed... After a fall out of the bed while we were staying at my parents' house last month, and the fact that DH is paranoid about rolling onto him, he's so ready for the baby to have his own bed.

I've been able to hold him off by explaining how much less sleep I'd get if I had to get up every time the baby woke. I told him we could try putting him in his own room if DH would be willing to get up and comfort him the nights he's home (he's in the military and stands duty half the week).

I'm starting to really tread lightly, though, because I really do feel that the sleeping situation has to be something we're ALL comfortable with. Current plan is to go ahead and buy a twin mattress the next time we have the extra money, or when DH gets really determined, and either stick it on the floor next to our bed or in the second bedroom, which is currently a guest/catch-all room.

Anyway, yes, I totally feel where you're coming from. I know what you mean about bad nights- there've been a few sleepless nights where I start to complain and DH will be like "you created this monster by keeping him in our bed," but I think he knows deep down that we're all getting more sleep this way than we would otherwise, and we both love waking up next to the munchkin in the mornings (AFTER 7am, pleaseandthankyou)

[newgirlintown]

Thanks so much for your reply. 

Yeah, DH has a colleague whose 4 year old daughter still sleeps with them and he sees that as 100% what will happen to us. It is irritating because yeah, that can happen, but does he know the full story of what they have done and what kind of sleeper she is? No. And for your DH, a 12 year old after a divorce is a whole different ball game. 

I agree, I want us all to be comfortable with it, but we are both coming from such different places (me: realizing through experience that most of the time this is the least painful way for all of us to sleep + researching bedsharing and liking all the antiSIDS/attachment stuff, and him: a practice that will definitely lead to a preschooler in bed). Also, I read a lot about bedsharing and baby sleep. So I tend to feel like I am in the right, but I have to remember that he is in this too. Sigh. 

I am going to get a guard rail I think, if I can find a used one. We got a king bed before DD arrived, and it is great, but I would feel more relaxed if I knew there was no way she could roll off. (We have a built in bed frame so there is no space for our mattress on the floor!)

Anyway, good luck to you guys! Thanks again for sharing