My DS wakes up TERRIFIED if I'm not right beside him.

[crunchy_mommy]

We've been working on getting 2yo DS to sleep alone a little... by that I mean, in our bed, but I get up and leave the room if I have other things to do... 2.25 years of staying put while DS sleeps has just gotten to be TOO MUCH for me, I don't want to nurse for 2 hours straight to keep him napping and I don't want to stay in bed until he wakes up every morning anymore.... I hate feeling trapped!!!

Aside from the usual problem -- he wakes up so frequently if I am not right beside him! -- the bigger problem is that he wakes up so, so scared when I'm not there. I explain to him what's going to happen ahead of time (so, before his nap, I'll tell him that when he wakes up I'll be in the next room so he can come find me). I keep the door open a bit so he can easily get to me. It's not dark or anything. But every time, he wakes up scared! I feel horrible, and am tempted to go back to just chaining myself to the bed whenever he's asleep, but I'm not sure I can survive like that any longer.

I guess I'm wondering, is that normal????? Is it a stage? Is it just how he's always going to wake up?? There must be some way to help him....

The weird thing is, even if I'm right there, he almost never wakes up happy. It doesn't matter if he's gotten plenty of sleep or not, if it's middle of the day or the middle of the night, if he woke up early or slept in... he just (almost) always wakes up crying. The only way he usually wakes up calm is if I actually wake him up... which I hate to do & try to avoid in general, I Iike to let him sleep as much as he needs... and it takes us hours to get him to sleep in the first place so I'm not inclined to undo all that hard work! But I guess I can deal with him waking up grumpy but seeing him waking up scared is heart-wrenching.

[crunchy_mommy]

Nothing???



I suppose it doesn't matter, now he won't even go to sleep, so I don't have the chance to leave the room in the first place...

*sigh*

[petey44]

Yikes!  I don't have much to offer in practical advice, but just wanted to offer a  because I remember feeling chained to the bed when DD was in it (she's about 2.75 now, and stopped nursing at 2.5, so things have gotten A LOT easier). 

Do you have a monitor?  We live in a little apartment so it hardly seems necessary, but I think my DD feels better knowing that she can talk to me through the monitor when she wakes.  I showed her (demonstrated) how it works and how she can use it to call me.  Like your DS, she wakes up grumpy sometimes no matter if I'm right there or not- some things you just can't control.  But I do think that using the monitor and just sticking with it helped get rid of the anxious "omg, where is mama?" waking moments.

I say just stick with it and soon enough it will just become the norm, and the fearful wakings will go away.  Because really, it's not good for anyone if you feel chained/resentful in staying there, you know?

[crunchy_mommy]

Good point... maybe he will get used to it. I just feel so bad letting him be scared like that. He's a very fearful kid so I try to walk a fine line of helping him with 'scary' situations without making him MORE anxious by playing into those fears... We do not have a monitor, but the bedroom is literally 5 steps away from the living room so I can hear him the minute he wakes up and he knows he can get up & come find me too. I sure hope he becomes accustomed to this...

[konayossie]

I was getting on here to post almost the same set of questions...I think we have very similar children. DS is 25 months and still needs me right there by him; wakes frequently during naps and at night and wakes up apparently very scared and upset if no one is with him (it doesn't HAVE to be me). DH got him down for a nap the other day and then left the room. When DS woke up, he was crying and repeating , "Daddy gone, Daddy gone...." saddest thing ever! Got no advice, just sympathy--and would love to hear from those who know how to deal with this.

[petey44]

Well, I understand that it would be silly to buy a monitor at this point in the game. We got ours at a baby shower, but I think you can possibly get the same sort of result with something else. It's just that (I think) the monitor makes her feel like I'm there even when I'm not. So, I'm thinking, maybe some special way for him to call you when he wakes up? Because I can remember waking up alone after a bad dream or something when I was a little kid- and I didn't want to have to get up and go to my parent, even if it was just 5 steps away- I wanted my parent to just magically come to me. So, maybe like a little bell he could keep beside the bed, and you can show him how to ring it to "call" mommy in?
Also, is there a period of time when you KNOW he'll be asleep? If you could try to leave at that time, but then come back right before he wakes, I feel like he will be subconciously aware that you were gone and it will start to make him feel comfortable with being alone. When my DD was younger, she would go to bed around 9, and sleep pretty soundly until around 11, when she would start to stir and usually need to nurse again. So I would leave her between 9-11, and I don't know, maybe it's crazy, but I really think that she was aware that I had been gone and that she was processing that information in her brain.
When you say he wakes up terrified, what does that look/sound like? How long does it last? And what do you say/do when you go in to him? Also, is this like when he wakes in the morning/after nap, or is it like a mid-night or mid-nap sort of thing?

[crunchy_mommy]

konayossie, it's good to know I'm not alone at least!!

petey -- the bell is a good idea, I'll have to see if I can scrounge up something like that!

Also, is there a period of time when you KNOW he'll be asleep? No, he's totally completely unpredictable, I can't even get him to fall asleep at the same time, never mind stay asleep for any certain length of time!! Sometimes he'll be awake after just 10-20mins, other times (rarely) it will be up to 2 hours, mostly it's just everything in between. I desperately wish he could be just a little predictable...

When you say he wakes up terrified, what does that look/sound like? How long does it last? And what do you say/do when you go in to him?
He starts sobbing with a really scared look in his eyes. Sometimes he talks about being scared or mad at me. Usually I can calm him pretty quickly with offering to nurse, though he gets those big alligator tears even while he's nursing. It's different than his normal wake-up grumpiness -- then, he might cry or be fussy & volatile, but he isn't scared.

Also, is this like when he wakes in the morning/after nap, or is it like a mid-night or mid-nap sort of thing?
It's any time. At night he sleeps in our bed and he is FINALLY sleeping several hours straight now so I just stay in there all night long and all morning 'til he wakes up. If I leave the room to go to the bathroom, he's OK (even if he wakes up) but if I go out to the kitchen to grab a glass of water or something, he freaks out -- and this is even if DH is right there still sleeping. Nap is the worst, and that's kind of our focus now -- I don't mind staying in bed all night (though I sure would love to leave for 2 minutes here & there!), but I can't stand stopping everything midday to lay in bed for who knows how long. Anyway, it's usually when he wakes up for good, rather than mid-nap, but it could be either.

[konayossie]

Just had a thought .....

In March, when he was 23 months, DS went and stayed at my parents' house overnight without me for the first time. I was terrified b/c we have all the same sleeping problems you do--I have to be RIGHT THERE for him to stay asleep and not crying--I had pictures of him not sleeping at all and everyone being completely traumatized. But as it turned out, he did fabulously. He coslept with my parents and went to sleep just fine (he normally nurses to sleep). My mom said he woke up several times during the night, but she would just pat him or give him a drink and he went right back to sleep. He did do his usual thing of waking up as soon as my mom and dad got out of bed so they didn't "escape" from him. When he got back home, he actually seemed to do a lot better with my having to get up during the night (I'm pregnant, so making lots of nightime bathroom trips, unfortunately), and I started offering him drinks and crackers instead of "boo-boo" when he would nightwake, and that works. I haven't had to nurse during the night for a couple of months now, which is SOOOO nice since I could never go to sleep while he was attached plus it sometimes hurts really badly since I'm preg.

Maybe you could experiment with having him stay with another adult he trusts (w/o you being around) and see if that would help him realize it's OK if you're not there? I'm really not one of those "send 'em off and train" people, and that's not what I did with DS--my parents live close enough that if things had gone badly, I would have driven out that night.... But DS LOVED it, and It just really did seem to be a small turning point for us--not that we don't still have our napping issues, but the nighttimes are going a lot better overall.

[crunchy_mommy]

Interesting idea. I suppose I could at least try leaving DH & DS to fend for themselves during naptime. I'm not sure it would have the same effect.... there's not really anyone I would trust to leave him with (besides DH) so I'm not sure if I have trust issues or just not enough trustworthy people in our life.

He is actually doing so much better sleeping at night... I mean, he has some rough nights, but he's no longer waking up every 20 mins, and if I can get him to fall asleep without nursing then he often will get through most of the night without nursing too. It takes hours to get him to sleep and he often misses naps these days because I give up after a couple hours (bedtime, at least, I don't give up on no matter how many hours it takes!!) He is doing so much better than just a few months ago, but sometimes I think I lose sight of the big picture...

[D_McG]

I think you should ask the EI people.  I don't think that frequency of waking is really typical/healthy for that age and I bet they would have some great help for you.  

Did you nightwean yet?  Nightweaning and having DH respond instead of me helped my kids waking a lot.  But I would still ask the EI people.  

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by D_McG 

I think you should ask the EI people.  I don't think that frequency of waking is really typical/healthy for that age and I bet they would have some great help for you.  

Did you nightwean yet?  Nightweaning and having DH respond instead of me helped my kids waking a lot.  But I would still ask the EI people.  

Hmm we have an appointment soon so I will bring it up & see what they think. But I should clarify that the frequent waking is now mostly just during naptime. He is sleeping much better at night. Seriously, some nights he even sleep 5-7 hours straight!!!! :jawdrop He is partially nightweaned (no nursing for the first half of the night). So I guess the issue is more during the lighter stages of sleep -- early morning and naptime -- not really the deep sleep in the beginning of the night. He sleeps from roughly 11pm-6am (often straight through) and then from 6am-9:30 or so, he is up frequently and during naptime, if I can get him to nap, I have no clue how long the nap will last and he has a lot of trouble resettling so then he's just UP usually. At least in the morning, I can get him to go back to sleep. But anyway, this helps me clarify the issue in my mind. It's funny, I'm so excited about my nighttime sleep that I don't think of the rest as unusual, but then I hyper-focus on it and forget how well he's sleeping at night... I don't know. I will see what EI says...

He doesn't respond well to DH at all. With nightweaning I had to be the one to respond, he just has an extreme attachment to ME. I guess that's good (AP, right??) but it sort of borders on abnormal if you ask me...