I know that my daughter's attention and emotional well being seem to fluctuate more than some other people and that she is very sensitive to what she perceives others to be thinking about her. Also extremely verbal. (7 years old). Her shyness can also come across as rudeness or being less happy than she truly is. Being so verbal and having strong opinions, she has long thought that a well-articulated opinion (or just her mood) should sway decisions even after they've been made. I know I've played into this, but have been working on natural consequences to things like arguments, negotiating, etc (basically, trying to have it where when these things happen, the subject is immediately closed).
However, tonight was beyond ordinary. Rather than going into details (which I will if helpful later), suffice it to say that there were about 4 steps (things she wanted tonight, including a bath, piano practice, 'rag curls' and a story) that she complained about, lost because of the complaint, and then argued and cried incessantly about each one because she actually wanted each and "I didn't mean to say it that way." I'm trying to help her see that her auto-complaint mode actually has an effect on other people, and that negotiating and having a fit simply won't work.
Here's my worry. I know that the above has happened to others and that it seems like yet another spoiled kid trying to have fits to get her way, with mom who just needs to walk away. However, I'm finding myself shocked that she suddenly lashed out with "why do you do this to me? how can you ruin all of these things? i can't trust you..you say yes, but then say no." etc., etc. Serious anger. I'm not going to argue, and she's not able to hear when she's crying and moaning anyway. I was simply staying with her, trying to be quiet, and definitely being calm. But then she said------"I hate it here. I hate this world. I wish I would just be wiped out." And these aren't idle words...I do see tendencies for her to pick up the negative when there is a more positive way to see things, and she comes by this somewhat naturally with her dad and sometimes with me. But now I"m worried about real depression. On paper, this looks like a smart kid playing her mom, maybe. To me, it looks real and terrifying. This went on for an hour; when she wasn't crying and saying "please, please please," or saying what I just described, she was looking at me with such anger and pointing her finger at me and accusing me of being terrible.
I worry now that 1) my daughter needs emotional help for emerging depression, 2) she absolutely cannot see that she played any role in the results of not getting what she wanted to do, and 3) I've done an extremely crappy job if she's nearly 8 and still believes that tantrums or arguments are going to get her anywhere. Clearly, I've let it work or something...or at least engaged in the argument.
The other info you might need is that she often considers herself to be without friends, although she has many and is often at the center of play. She sees negative intent in what others do far more often than is real. She is not someone who you would think of as comfortable in their own skin (can be awkward at times), but is then a shining star in the ballet show she was chosen to do for a school talent show (for example). Any thoughts on a direction to take would be most welcome, even if it's something I don't want to hear. I think my husband thinks I"m being played, but I think he had a crummy parenting model in his parents, so I can't really rely on that. And others have commented that she does take a negative view of things. It isn't non-stop, but it is present.
Please help. I am becoming increasingly worried about her. I remember my very confident, happy 2-3 year old and wonder where I stopped giving her what she needed to be the person she was actually born to be, instead of this negative, hypersensitive and sometimes very angry 7 year old.
Thank you in advance,