Need help on handling this situation - boundaries with ex - Page 2

[GoBecGo]

I think in my head i considered him to be a 17 year old inexperienced babysitter and me to be the only parent.  I once had to leave a restaurant and have DP drive me to XP's flat and go up to cuddle her because "she's crying".  No joke.  He phoned me, she was hysterical in the background, about 13 months old.  When i got there she was simply exhausted and he was trying to placate her by showing her things, carrying her about, giving her toys, instead of get her to sleep by just lying down and cuddling her.  She was asleep within 2 minutes with my help.  It was the only time it happened, after a bunch of similar type "drama's" and i wonder if it's because after, when i was leaving he said (with half a smirk) "did it ruin your date having to come here?" and i replied "oh, DP understands that you can't cope sometimes".  That was it for XP!  Appearing useless to manipulate my life was one thing, but knowing some other guy out there thought he was an incapable father?  No way.  He tried a lot harder after that.

For a while i DID make plans on the proviso he would turn up and be on time, and i hung out with people or planned activities where *I* could be late.  I was very lucky to have a DP who was understanding and relaxed and happy to grab a coffee somewhere if i was waiting for XP.  Also i usually made an arrangement to either drop her off myself (in fact for about a year i did all the drop offs and pick ups because it didn't occur to XP that he should do any of them until another friend of his pointed it out!) or meet him somewhere to do the changeover.  He was never out when i got there except once or twice at his local shop, and after he was late meeting up outside i would say to him "i know the buses are unreliable but i can't be standing on the street with her freezing" and he stopped it.  LOL, reading all this i basically shamed him into being a better father!

He was late, and significantly so, when he was coming to MY place for visitation or to pick her up.  And i missed gym classes, meet ups and one or two dates (for coffee, all with DP though) because of it, but as i say, i figured it in.  In my head i was her parent, 100% responsible, 100% of the time.  It's messed up that i had to think that way, but it worked.

I have to add that 5 years on he is incredible loving, caring and responsible.  The games are long over and he's a great dad.  There's light at the end of the tunnel?

[StephandOwen]

Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama 

No, you said that there is a 30min grace period built in.  You wait 30min, then leave.  He shows up at 45after, and calls you, say, "Oh, theres a 30minute grace period, and I had plans so after waiting 30 min we left.  Sorry."  Hang up.  (like pp said, with no emotion, just very matter of fact and polite)

Yes, yes, yes! There is a 30 minute grace period, so that's what you give him. If he's not there after 30 minutes, just pack up the kids and leave. If he contacts you after that time, you can either choose to tell him that he was more than 30 minutes late so he forfeited his time, or you can tell him that he can meet you wherever you are to get the kids. But I certainly wouldn't be waiting around fro 3 hours for him to show up!

GoBecGo- This is hilarious! It is amazing what goes through these guys heads

Originally Posted by GoBecGo 

 It was the only time it happened, after a bunch of similar type "drama's" and i wonder if it's because after, when i was leaving he said (with half a smirk) "did it ruin your date having to come here?" and i replied "oh, DP understands that you can't cope sometimes".  That was it for XP!  Appearing useless to manipulate my life was one thing, but knowing some other guy out there thought he was an incapable father?  No way.  He tried a lot harder after that.