PPD vs. lack of support?

[ILoveMyBabyBird]

How do you know if you have PPD or just need more help/support around the house etc? I feel fine on the most part, I am just having issues with a few things, bfing as usual, I had low supply with ds and now again with dd and she is not as an efficient nursling as ds was, so rather than making more milk this time around I feel I am giving her more formula...So I just feel kind of let down by dh because he is all supportive of bfing and knows how hard a time i have but he doesn't help much around the house and when I try to bring it up to him as I am feeling overwhelmed he always first thing brings up PPD and do I need meds, etc? It is frustrating. I don't feel bad really just wanting him to help more around the house without me having to ask...not let ds stay up every night until 11:00 because dh wants to watch tv and i have to get the baby to sleep, and last night i tell him i am not up to cooking dinner and he says that is fine he ate at 4:00, but i hadn't ate lunch and i had pbj for dinner...I don't have anyone to help me at all besides him so it is pretty much I have what i can get done and then bfing dd and pumping go on the wayside and we resort to more formula so i can get the dishes done and shower when she is napping and not needing me. I have been taking fish oil and extra vit D since my pregnancy to help my mood. I do not think i have PPD, I am just trying to clarify what is going on and there really isn't a postparum discussion thread here, to talk about the adjusting to the new baby/family dynamics. On a side note, dh and i go through 'rough' patches, and he does have the mentality of he should not have to do anything in the house because he is the 'man' etc. I am finally starting to feel like my old self again physically, dd is sleeping better, but i guess i am resenting having to do laundry and dishes less than a week after dd was born as i thought dh was going to help some but he didn't really help at all and the last thing i want to see is him napping on his days off! He finally changed dd's diaper for the first time at 4 weeks...And occasionally feeds her a bottle but i normally have to ask him and then he acts like i am neglecting the baby because he is feeding her the bottle while i am trying to pump and do the dishes! From what i understand about PPD is a lot of it stems from lack of support, I don't want to fall further down this slope so I am just looking for suggestions as to how to get more help for dh w/o coming off as nagging to prevent PPD, as yesterday i seriously considered giving up on bfing all together, and was kind of upset, and in my heart i know i don't want to, I nursed and supplemented ds well past 2 years and planned to bf dd for at least 18 month as well. I don't want to lose this relationship but must be realistic about my situation as well...

TIA

[philomom]

I ran a new mother's support group for many years.

PPD almost always has some misplaced anger at the baby. I've identified moms struggling with this in the past and thats the part that jumps out at me.
Do you call the baby names?
Blame the baby for your sorry state of life right now?
Do you kick the crib or mishandle your infant in some way?

If you said yes to any of these .. please seek professional help.

If you said no to all of these, I suspect you are just underslept. This can be serious, too. I had a non-sleeper once and within weeks had some scary hallucinations from lack of sleep.

Can your girlfriends come and hold the baby while you get a nap?
Has anyone offered to drop off food at your house?
Has your son's playgroup offered to take him for a few hours?
Where is your tribe?
Also, make that dh pitch in more.
Or temporarily send your ds to pre-school so you and the baby can get three hours to sleep in each
morning.

Good luck.

[Intoit]

ILoveMyBabyBird... I'm not quite sure what to say that may help beyond echoing the PP, but wanted to share with you that I am in the same situation with no help and wondering if I have PPD. I have no friends or relatives nearby and DH works 14+ hours a day, 6-7 days a week. I see you have 2 LO's, so I can appreciate you having to get bedtime going a little earlier. DH doesn't get home till 11 at night, by then DS has been sleeping the greater part of 5 hours... he mostly sleeps in arms until I go to bed with DH around 1, so he does wake up for a little bit to spend a few minutes with his papa, quite often that means watching the tv. When my DH returned to work 1 week PP, things got really hard. I just gave up on any housework except for washing diapers. I ate when I could and was only getting to shower a few times a week. I really needed some time to myself, even if it was just an uninterrupted 30 minutes to shower and dress. 

The only way I could get DH to even comprehend was to find a good time and have a serious conversation with him. Without being around the baby 24/7 I don't think he really "got" how much work and how draining it could be to care for him. I had to be specific and tell him "It would help me so much if.../Please I really need...". It helped too on his days off that he could take the LO and then watch me bust my tail all day to get simple cleaning done, he'd see what I was actually doing. I took psych meds for years and have been off them for 18+ months and DH knows that was a dark place I never want to return to. I had to explain to him the link between PPD and just feeling overwhelmed from lack of support, that helped a little to get him motivated to participate. My saving grace has been learning to cook with my crockpot and making a few gallons of soup at a time to freeze in smaller bowls for easy meals. If we could afford it I'd be using disposable dishes and silverware. Wearing the LO has helped me accomplish more as well, and as time goes by things are getting a *little* better.

Please know that you are not alone, and I hope things are getting better for you. Simply getting enough sleep may drastically improve your situation, and you may be able to garner some support from mothers at a playgroup or new mothers' group. Take care 

[mommaklo]

 I ran a new mother's support group for many years.

PPD almost always has some misplaced anger at the baby. I've identified moms struggling with this in the past and thats the part that jumps out at me.
Do you call the baby names?
Blame the baby for your sorry state of life right now?
Do you kick the crib or mishandle your infant in some way?

If you said yes to any of these .. please seek professional help.

If you said no to all of these, I suspect you are just underslept. This can be serious, too. I had a non-sleeper once and within weeks had some scary hallucinations from lack of sleep.

Can your girlfriends come and hold the baby while you get a nap?
Has anyone offered to drop off food at your house?
Has your son's playgroup offered to take him for a few hours?
Where is your tribe?
Also, make that dh pitch in more.
Or temporarily send your ds to pre-school so you and the baby can get three hours to sleep in each
morning.

 

 Oh, my goodness.

 I cannot DISAGREE more with this.

I suspect this poster has never battled with PPD.

As someone who suffered for the 1st year of ds life with "is this ppd? Is this lack of support? This doesnt feel internal." I can completely relate. I do not believe that ppd or what you may be experiencing could be displaced anger at your baby, and plead that you dont take that personal. If I would have heard that early on, I would have sent my head into a spin.

I do believe that my symptoms came from mainly lack of sleep, as ds has recently started sleeping through the night at 15 mos. Also, dh was not alot of help. He was back to work within about 2 or 3 days of the birth, and that left me home alone in a new area with zero support from my in laws. (dh also started working 12 hr days, I suspect intenitionally, tho it has been denied.) I did not know how to ask for what I needed: Company, food, someone to wash my dishes, etc, and I never was offered anything except advice I wanted to rip into a million pieces. Rice cereal in a bottle to help my baby sleep? Since when do my boobs look like a bottle? And since when is that legit advice? I could go on, but I dont feel like I had very much support from anyone in my life except my mom. She saved me, she did all the things that I needed done so badly. I dont know where I would be without her. And she lives over an hour away. Even friends that Ive had for almost 10 years never made the drive to come visit/help out/make sure I was alive. Very hard year.

I absolutely dont believe that you can "make that dh help out" either. He will if he wants to, and forcing/begging didnt work for me. At 5 mo pp, I started attending a ppd group and learned alot of coping skills, and ways to ask for help, and just how it is for other moms. One week, the leader asked everyone there to raise their hand if they felt an imbalance of work shared at home. Every mom did. I think it is just part of it, and I do think ppd can be caused by external situations, but I think a fair answer to dh would be "I may need meds if I have to keep up doing what Im doing, and going how Im going, without what feels like help and support from you. If I felt that I had some of the help that I need, I would not dream of taking/needing meds." I took lots of supps from all the stuff I read on here, like how fish oil changed peoples lives, etc and I believe it does, but when its situations, and not just mood, or hormones, etc, those supps will only go so far. And I can say I would have never come so far as I have and gained the perspective that I have and the ability to honor the way I feel and the ability to validate the way I feel too, If the leader of my ppd group would have talked to me the way the previous poster commented. This is not to slam them, just to say, it is not your babies fault. It is not your fault. And it is not just dhs fault. You have got to get to a place that you can ask for what you need and be heard. That is where I would start.

[philomom]

Originally Posted by mommaklo 

 Oh, my goodness.

 I cannot DISAGREE more with this.

I suspect this poster has never battled with PPD.

As someone who suffered for the 1st year of ds life with "is this ppd? Is this lack of support? This doesnt feel internal." I can completely relate. I do not believe that ppd or what you may be experiencing could be displaced anger at your baby, and plead that you dont take that personal. If I would have heard that early on, I would have sent my head into a spin.

I do believe that my symptoms came from mainly lack of sleep, as ds has recently started sleeping through the night at 15 mos. Also, dh was not alot of help. He was back to work within about 2 or 3 days of the birth, and that left me home alone in a new area with zero support from my in laws. (dh also started working 12 hr days, I suspect intenitionally, tho it has been denied.) I did not know how to ask for what I needed: Company, food, someone to wash my dishes, etc, and I never was offered anything except advice I wanted to rip into a million pieces. Rice cereal in a bottle to help my baby sleep? Since when do my boobs look like a bottle? And since when is that legit advice? I could go on, but I dont feel like I had very much support from anyone in my life except my mom. She saved me, she did all the things that I needed done so badly. I dont know where I would be without her. And she lives over an hour away. Even friends that Ive had for almost 10 years never made the drive to come visit/help out/make sure I was alive. Very hard year.

I absolutely dont believe that you can "make that dh help out" either. He will if he wants to, and forcing/begging didnt work for me. At 5 mo pp, I started attending a ppd group and learned alot of coping skills, and ways to ask for help, and just how it is for other moms. One week, the leader asked everyone there to raise their hand if they felt an imbalance of work shared at home. Every mom did. I think it is just part of it, and I do think ppd can be caused by external situations, but I think a fair answer to dh would be "I may need meds if I have to keep up doing what Im doing, and going how Im going, without what feels like help and support from you. If I felt that I had some of the help that I need, I would not dream of taking/needing meds." I took lots of supps from all the stuff I read on here, like how fish oil changed peoples lives, etc and I believe it does, but when its situations, and not just mood, or hormones, etc, those supps will only go so far. And I can say I would have never come so far as I have and gained the perspective that I have and the ability to honor the way I feel and the ability to validate the way I feel too, If the leader of my ppd group would have talked to me the way the previous poster commented. This is not to slam them, just to say, it is not your babies fault. It is not your fault. And it is not just dhs fault. You have got to get to a place that you can ask for what you need and be heard. That is where I would start.

Huh?

http://depression.about.com/od/forwomen/f/ppdsymptoms.htm

The symptoms clearly indicate ........

# Thoughts of wanting to hurt oneself or the baby
# Disinterest in or inappropriate responses to the baby.


How was I wrong?

My best friend dealt with this. It took a tribe of us to pull her through that first year. Also, running my new mom's group for seven years, I learned to clearly identify which moms were suffering with this. You can sniff it... they just don't act right with their child. The main thing is to get help.. so this doesn't affect the baby's physical or emotional development. And having a healthy mommy is good for the whole family.

[FischK]

philomom: I also thought there's something off in your post, and now that you've pointed to the source, it is clear. The symptoms you mentioned are under PPP - Post-partum psychosis - which is different in that the anger and violence is directed towards the baby and not just the self. I commend you on having organized and led a post-partum group, but I suggest that you read the materials on PPD, PPA, PPP, and PTSD more closely and to refer those moms who are showing symptoms to a trained crisis counselor. 

To the OP, I hope you can help your DH understand how important it is for him to support you, and enlist some friends to help out. I also suggest that you talk to you pediatrician/PCP the next time you see them and that you get evaluated for PPD. You may not have it and some of your problems may be caused by lack off support, but it is better to know then to speculate and self-diagnose.

[philomom]

Hmm, I'm pretty sure that I've seen that anger at the baby even if its not the psychosis kind of PPD. And yes, I always made sure that the ladies I identify as having trouble get some help.