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THose are pretty typical questions for a 6 year old. They think concretely. She had ZERO intrest if you were having sex. That wasnt even in her mind. That is our notion of what we thought she was asking.
She was literally being curious.
Its fine to say "You dont need that info" But first think : Are you looking at her questions through adult eyes or through the eyes of a child who has had no sexual expereince?
Think of the old story "Mummy, where did I come from?" and the mother gives this big speech about sperm and eggs and how babies are born. And then her son says " Jimmy's from Detriot"
These are all typical 6 year old behaviours. She is being bad. She is being a kid. And the reason she loooks like you have hurt her feelings...maybe b/c you did hurt her feelings.
I agree. She probably just wants to know where you slept, since she wasn't there and wasn't sleeping in the bed. I mean, once you move in with her and your DH, she's gonna see you two sleep in the same bed. I think maybe you should start sleeping in the same bed when she does come to visit...its pretty typical husband wife behavior.
I agree with PP, totally normal. Since she is usually in the bed she was trying to figure out how it would be different when she wasn't along. Her job as a child is to discover and try to make sense of her world, and asking lots of questions is part of that. If she can't get answers from her immediate family, where is a safe place for her to learn the answers to "intrusive questions"?
Also she may not have the most healthy boundaries with her father, and 6 year olds still have very strong emotions they are learning how to deal with, but if you assume she is trying to "emotionally blackmail" the two of you all the time you are not setting yourself up for a good relationship with her. At her age and this stage in your relationship I think it would be best to really try to always assume innocence and miscommunication, as opposed to misbehavior.
you said it yourself... she probably asked because she wasn't there to sleep in the bed so she wanted to know how sleeping arrangements went without her there. What is wrong with telling her you both slept in the same bed? Wouldn't she know that anyway once you guys start living together and she SEES you guys sharing a bed? She probably DOES get hurt often if you are making such adult assumptions about her as to think she is just trying to make you uncomfortable by asking about your sex life. Quite frankly, if the the only reason you didn't YELL at her for simply asking where you guys SLEPT was to avoid looking like an evil step parent, I can see why her feelings get hurt by you. Wanting to yell at a kid just for asking about something as normal as sleeping arrangements, especially when she only knows you guys as sleeping on the floor, is quite extreme.
She kept asking because you never answered her.
And not that your sleeping arrangements are or should be public knowledge, but I would think most everybody would assume a husband and wife are sleeping in the same bed. You don't have to be embarrased if people know or assume that about you :)
This is all completely normal 6 year old behavior. I would have said, "We both slept in the bed, since we both fit!" I did get mildly embarrassed the first time my now DSD asked if I would be spending the night again in front of my then BOYFRIEND's (now DH) whole family... she was also 6 at the time. To her, it was exciting that I was sleeping over, and she certainly wasn't trying to embarrass me. I can't think of any culture where it is uncommon for a wife and husband to sleep together. She probably wouldn't let the question go because you did not answer her. I suspect if you'd avoided her questions about what you two did all day, the same thing would have happened.
Your personal life becomes public knowledge with KIDS, step or not. I'd start getting used to it now! Maybe you'll be over the embarassment by the time your own kids come along! The manipulation is part and parcel of being 6. She'll outgrow it in time. My DSD is almost 8, and barring lack of sleep, or illness, is pretty much over this stage. Seriously, she sounds like a very sweet, inquisitive little person, who is acting very age-appropriately.
She may have picked up on your discomfort around the question, which made her more interested in the subject? A quick, matter of fact answer helps kids feel secure about the changes they're anticipating/experiencing in their lives.
My daughter was 5 when SO and I moved in together and "Why doesn't A have his own bed?" and "Can I sleep with A?" were among her many questions. In case you're wondering, the answers were: I pointed out that Grandma and Grandpa, Aunt/Uncle share a bed, and A and I have the same kind of relationship as them, and people in that kind of relationship like to share their bed. And no you cannot sleep with A. When she pushed that she wanted a sleepover with him, I told her that we'll all share a tent when we go camping or room when we're in a hotel (his family is 16 hours away, so the drive gets split over 2 days) and that'll be a fun sleepover, but at home grown ups sleep in separate rooms than kids.
I agree that she probably pursued it because you didn't answer. A straight forward answer would probably have worked fairly well. If she pursues it, I think it is fine to be up front about it and say, "I don't really want to talk about it anymore" and change the subject. It might not work, but it's not a bad life lesson (especially if you are very private) for her to learn to take cues from people when they are uncomfortable discussing something.
My step-daughter also loves speaker phone, mostly because she has her hands free to keep doing whatever else she wants to be doing, like drawing or doing dress-up. I HATE being on speaker phone. Sometimes I ask her to take me off speaker phone while I am talking to her. If she really wants to leave it on speaker phone, I usually opt to read her a story or sing her a song or something. My husband doesn't mind speaker phone, so sometimes I just say a quick hello and then put him back on. However, if you ask her not to put you on speaker phone, expect her to ask "why?" ("It's hard to hear sometimes when you are on speaker phone" was most often my excuse when she was younger... now I tell her I just don't like it, and she is old enough and knows me well enough to leave it at that.)
If you aren't comfortable with the topic of conversation and she won't change the subject, make excuses and give the phone to her father.
Kids are curious. It's how they learn about the world. And they don't have much of a filter yet for what is public and what is private. I am not particularly private, but I don't love for my husband's ex to know every detail about our life... so there are lots of things I have chosen not to say to or in front of my step-daughter. Not because she is maliciously manipulating anyone, but because she is a kid and she doesn't know what information is hers to share and what isn't. As she gets older and learns that skill (through the guidance and straight-forward explanations from all the adults in her life) I will feel less reluctant to share things with her that I don't want broadcast to the world. But for now, if I don't want other people (the neighbor, their teachers, their friends at school, the cashier at the grocery store...) to know something, I don't tell my kids, step or biological.
So she doesn't have her own bed but always sleeps with her father? Except when you are there, when she sleeps in the bed and the two of you sleep in the floor?
Am I understanding this right?
If so, her questions come from the situation, which I think really ought to be fixed pronto.
She kept asking because you never answered her.
And not that your sleeping arrangements are or should be public knowledge, but I would think most everybody would assume a husband and wife are sleeping in the same bed. You don't have to be embarrased if people know or assume that about you :)
I don't know why you wouldn't just answer her question. Married people typically sleep in the same bed. There's nothing personal or private about that. Especially since she's seen you guys sleep together on the floor, it's not some big secret that you sleep together. She's just trying to figure out how the world works, especially when she's not around.
My main concern is that she doesn't continue to ask these questions or offer any personal information to other people. I'm a very private person and didn't realize that once I would be married, my personal life would become public knowledge thanks to my step daughter.
I love and care for her but at the same time, I find myself constantly annoyed with uncomfortable situations my step daughter creates. I just wish I had more control over my private life.
Congratulations on becoming a stepmom and welcome to MDC. When a person becomes a mom the relationship with the unborn and newly born baby is very intimate. By the time a person's child is 6, she is used to having had not a lot of privacy while slowly gaining privacy back as the child grows and begins understanding boundaries and social rules. Young children do get in our personal space because they are trying to connect with us and they don't understand personal boundaries well yet. Some good books to read so you can understand your step daughter better would be Kids, Parents and Power Struggles by Mary Kurcinka and also Your Six-Year-Old: Loving and Defiant by Louise Bates Ames. The second book is a bit dated but still a good reference on normal child development. As other people said, you are taking her innocent normal 6 year old questions and putting adult meaning in to them. My 5 year old would be upset if someone didn't answer her. You should assume that signs of your step daughter being upset are sincere. 6 year old children can be very sensitive and become upset or angry easily. They also show those emotions very openly. Most this age are not sophisticated enough to do emotional blackmail yet.
They were visiting the OP at her place, they were not at the father's place.
So she doesn't have her own bed but always sleeps with her father? Except when you are there, when she sleeps in the bed and the two of you sleep in the floor?
Am I understanding this right?
If so, her questions come from the situation, which I think really ought to be fixed pronto.
Quote:
Before we got married, she brought up the topic of me moving in with them and how I was going to sleep with daddy in the same room and I did answer her question by saying that mommy and daddy are supposed to sleep in the same room just like grandpa and grandma sleep in the same room. She understood and that was the end of it.
You told her that husbands and wives sleep together because that's what they are supposed to do.
Now she wants to make sure that you guys are doing what married people do.
I assume she's been through a divorce. If so, she's seen a marriage go awry. She wants to make sure you guys are doing OK, that you're doing what married people are supposed to do.
I have a new 7 year old. The questions he asks...ay ay ay. But he's normal. Normal questions. And they don't get that these questions are embarrassing...so just know they are coming from a non-embarrassing place. And don't get embarrassed.
I would bet you anything that the in laws' kids all asked similar questions as kids...
I understand why her questions made you uncomfortable, but I think this is very normal and not "bad", for a smart 6-year-old. You are coming into a position in her father's life that hasn't been filled for a while. Or perhaps she thought she filled it: Daddy's co-pilot/sidekick. She wants to figure out how things are going to work, now. Will you take away more than you will add to her life? Will she come to feel like you're her Mommy? Is that OK? Will you tolerate all her thoughts and questions? Can she trust your responses?
From a basic, self-centered 6-year-old perspective, Mommies and Daddies are supposed to share a bed. But you're not her Mommy. But you are her Daddy's wife, so you should probably share his bed. Should she feel jealous and territorial about that, or try to make you feel welcome in their family? But you don't live together (yet), so maybe this is to be a different arrangement altogether, wherein her Daddy will call you his wife, but will still keep you separate from the inner circle of him and his daughter, not sharing a roof or a bed with you? If so, how should she feel about that? Happy that she might remain unchallenged, as her Dad's "Number One"? Or uncomfortable, because she senses that wouldn't make for a very stable marriage? These are the things she's wondering.
Incidentally, by calling her self-centered, I wasn't criticizing her. At six, kids mostly understand the world by how it impacts - or potentially impacts - them. Presumably, she doesn't know what adults DO in bed, so she doesn't understand that she's intruding on your privacy or intimacy, by asking about your sleeping arrangements. She is focused on how those arrangements affect her: can she better understand your relationship, by knowing whether you sleep separately?
Of course, one job parents have is to teach children to be sensitive to other people's cues, even when responding appropriately is inconvenient. (I.e., while she did not mean to be BAD, by asking if you shared a bed with her Dad, once she realized it made you uncomfortable and you did not want to answer, she should have quit asking, even though she really wanted to know.) But this is a long learning process for a child, not something you correct once and never have to deal with again!
I think it would have been equally fine for you to say either of these:
* "Yes, of course your Dad and I both slept in the bed. We're married and that's how married people sleep. When I finish my classes and we all live in the same house, your Dad and I will also share a bed. I hope that doesn't bother you. It shouldn't. Because it doesn't change how important you are to him. Do you know that? Now, you are important to both of us. Since we are family, it's OK for you to ask me pretty much anything. But many people would be uncomfortable, to be asked if they sleep together. So it wouldn't be polite to ask other people about that, just your Dad and me."
OR
* "I'm sure you wonder about this, but it's not polite to ask adults how they sleep. That's between your Dad and me. So, let's talk about something else. What did you do with Grandma today?" And, if she keeps asking, you might say, "I know it's frustrating when people won't answer your questions, but again, this is not a polite thing to ask and it is a private matter between your Dad and me. So you will just have to accept that I'm not going to discuss it with you. But I like talking to you and I'd really like to hear about your day."
However, the latter response will make your sleeping arrangements seem more curious to her and she may feel like there's some big secret she's being left out of, or a problem that's too bad for you to tell her about. The first response tells her there's no big mystery she ought to spend her time puzzling over. Sleeping together is just an everyday thing married people do.
One other thought: God has not seen fit to bless me with a daughter, but, raising four sons, it strikes me that the very thing that often frustrates people most about girls is an asset: The excessive talking, questioning, emoting and hogging your time and energy by sharing every passing thing that goes through their heads (and wanting you to respond) allows you access to what's going on in their minds, that parents of boys often do not have (without a lot of clever work). If she were a boy, you might be wondering how he felt about you, or about the marriage. Because of her impertinence, you know that she's trying to figure out exactly how close you are to her Dad. And you know that she's open to discussing things with you and hearing your answers. No matter how you decide to respond, in your heart try to see her expressiveness as the asset it is, not a character flaw.
What I'm getting from this, OP, is not that your new daughter is too involved in the intimate details of your daily life, but that your MIL is too involved because she is raising your daughter right now. Once you finish your degree and establish an independent household with your husband and stepdaughter, I think you'll find that the transition to being a mom is easier. It's so, so tough to be in the mom-role but have no authority to set boundaries or behavior expectations. In your own home, you'll have that authority. It will help.
