Is DD reacting to the break-up? or to just me? or to just EVERYTHING that happened?

[MsLondon]

Hello all.

I dont even know where to begin, sorry if this turns out to be a bit long:

My DD is nearly 4.  I split up with my husband (her dad)  in 2009 due to his alcoholism.

I did meet someone else, we will call him Drew (we were friends for a while and things developed) and i stupidly and rather quickly 'moved him in'.  My DD adored him as did he adore her.

in the meantime, my H who i was not yet divorced from developed cirhossis and was given 30 days to live.  Thank god, it didnt come to that and he turned himself around and is now a much better father and influence for DD. but its only been 4 months since his diagnosis and sobriety. Unfortunately  it is too late for any reconciliation for me and him, our marriage being a tragic casualty of his alcoholism.

Anyway back to Drew: we were together for 14 months and he was living with us for 10 months. Well 6 weeks ago he got up and abruptly left to go back to his ex wife (no kids). I was heartbroken and SHOCKED as we had an amazing thing going - theres alot lot lot more to this but as this is a parenting forum I dont want to focus too much on that in here as it is not really relevant to the topic - (though i would love to spew! ;) )

oK, well heres my concernes:

DD seems fine about it, not too affected actually.  I think because in the last few months shes had a MUCH better relationship with her dad due to his sobriety and new lease on life.

But I am thoroughly depressed and devasted and always crying.  I have tried to hide it but thats quite impossible sometimes and shes a very emphatic and sensitive child (my mother says shes one of the crystal children )

So shes such a little sweetheart, she gets me tissues and knows that I am crying because of him, and says for me to not worry as Drew will be back soon... Can you imagine, my 3 year old consoling me!!  I mean its mortifying, who is the parent here exactly?!  She is far too young for this though and i feel incredibly guilty :(

And now shes starting to be really clingy.  I cant even go to the bathroom without her following me.  if the phone rings and i go to get it in another room shes right on my tail.  shes driving me insane because i have no patience or tolerance at the moment and I am shouting at her alot.  i feel terrible.

another thing is she was sleeping in her own bed, doing really well (we co slept probably for a good first 2 years) now she refuses to sleep in her own bed (i must say here that i was in my hometown for 2 weeks where she slept with my sister and then we were at her dads for 2 weeks and she slept with him, so a month of that probably upset the routine of her sleeping in her own bed anyway)

So what do you think? is it an age phase?  a reaction to me? a bit of both?

Thank you so so much for listening, hope I havent rambled too much.

[tccandlsccmom]

First, huge hugs to you.  Second, IMHO it is probably a bit of everything going on.....and being 4!  

Just breathe through it (easier said than done) and know that it will get easier.  Or at least a little less hard (for both of you).  

As for the co-sleeping, is there a rush back to her bed?  Just asking...

[mimim]

I'd let her be clingy for a while. Drew's leaving has changed her life too. She's lost someone and now her mommy is really sad. That might be a good way to think about it to help yourself climb out of your depression. You have to be strong for your daughter, who sounds like such a caring little person.

I'm so sorry that you are in pain.

[SoulCakes]

Oh, goodness, I'm really sorry. Try to be easy on yourself for now; you've just lost someone dear to you and so has she. Your daughter's behavior seems very normal. I'd even encourage the co-sleeping for a while -- it might just be a habit, but it also might help her feel safe and secure (and it might help you, too!). It's hard to know whether what she's doing is because she's nearly four or because she's upset -- either way, it's a healthy response, and it's ok. 

I'm in the camp that thinks it's actually ok for children to see our real emotions. You have to be strong for your daughter, yes, as in you can't let your entire life fall apart because she needs to be fed and clothed and sheltered. But it's ok to be sad, and it's ok for her to see you be sad. Wouldn't it be weirder if he left and all she saw of your reaction was, "La-di-da?" That would be unnatural. It's ok for her to comfort you while you grieve. It wouldn't be ok if she had to comfort you for every day of her childhood, but that's not what this is. This is a normal, human reaction to a very sad situation.

P.S. There's a place to vent about pretty much everything here on this forum. If you need to air your emotions out, that's ok, too. 

[Katwoman]

Have you sat her down and explained that you're not going anywhere?  I know it seems silly.  But when I was 5 my Mom got a divorce.  I was TERRIFIED that she was going to leave me.  The whole time she was packing/getting ready to go, I followed her every where because I was so scared she was going to move without me.  (To this day I vividly remember that day and the fear that came with it.)  Perhaps sitting her down and talking it out a bit might help her.

Also, I have a very empathetic child as well.  When I feel three years ago she literally would stay up at night checking on my breathing so I didn't die.  During times of stress/lots of emotions she does a lot better when she sleeps with me.  In fact, on a regular basis she sleeps with me once a week - we call it treat night.  It seems to recharge her emotional batteries in a more effective way than any amount of hugs/snuggles/kisses during the day do.  (Although we still do lots of physical closeness during the day.)  Maybe sleeping with you is allowing your daughter to recharge her overly taxes emotional state right now. 

I'm sorry you're going through so much!  It's really hard being a parent and being in pain.  :(

[MsLondon]

thank you everyone!

Yeah nothing wrong with co sleeping in my opinion, i just dont want her to get used to it again as its something i dont want to do for years to come.  Im happy for her to sleep with me for now, though shes been wetting the bed again at night :(

i have been less strict on her drinking before bed - my eye has been off the ball on everything lately.

and i cant afford this apartment anymore so we have to move back in with her dad for a while.  im dreading this, this is going to be very confusing for her.  but i really have no choice.

:'(