The Breadwinner - The Rock Star

[Deepfeet]

My DH and I had our first child in February. We have decided that I will SAH until our LO is 3. We survive from month to month, struggling only when DH decides to pour more money into touring/recording/music related expenses. We agreed when we got pregnant that he could continue to pursue music as long as it didn't compromise our finances. Well - finances are compromised and DH is feeling a little guilty, but STILL pursuing. It's hard to watch him want to spend 5 days away from us for another music festival. I know he feels guilty, but why, oh WHY is he doing this then? How is it that the guilt-ridden can still put themselves first? I really don't understand his perspective. I have a hard time discussing it with him because on top of all of this he is really struggling with his new role as a father - insecurities and I think a general confusion over it all. So I blow up at him, then backpedal and apologize and try to sooth his ego - the cycle is driving me crazy and we're getting nowhere.

I resent him when he's gone. I resent him when he's here. He's pouring all this money into this dream of his while I'm at home with our son - often 13 hours straight, without emotional support or a sense of security. I'm disappointed and would really love some advice on how to address this with him, and what I can do as far as approaching him and understanding where he's coming from/what he's going through...

Thanks folks!

... Not sure if I've posted in the right spot. 

[philomom]

Is there anything you could do from home to help him make more money? Help with Cd sales or T-shirt sales?

Do you have friends of your own to lean on?

Only you can decide if the absenteeism is worth it.
Is he a good daddy when he's home?
Is it only money that's making it feel like train wreck?
Maybe a part-time job for you would help.

[Deepfeet]

He is a wonderful dad when he's around. I help with artwork from time to time - but I find the more I invest in his music, the more frustrated I feel by how consuming this passion of his is... It isn't only the money. He puts so much energy into it that he's pretty exhausted around us = more resentment from me. I would like him to redistribute his time and reconsider how much money we should be putting into his music but he gets very defensive.

In a lot of ways I worry that fatherhood hasn't quite sinked in yet, and part of that is on me - I don't want to be the one to tell him he needs to cut back and be home more. I don't have much support here at all. When we got pregnant we talked about moving so we could be near family/friends, but he's not prepared to leave what he's started here in terms of music - which I understand, but it does sting a little.

If we had a bit more money coming in I would feel much easier about everything. He spends money easily which makes me anxious and prevents me from spending any money on myself or our son, but obviously, i can't 'unspend' what he's spending. I am often told to "just relax", "it's not a big deal", "you need to calm down" Not in terrible tone, but I do feel like I'm dealing with a teenager who doesn't understand responsibility or the importance of spending wisely. I'm worried that if I don't address this soon our communication will just deteriorate further. I want to be able to support him but I can't always make sense of what he's doing. Is this some sort of fear to relinquish teenage dreams?! Fear of fatherhood? I keep thinking all of this is emotional because he's really not a meat head. He's so good, I just feel like his decisions are pushing him further away from us.

Oh. I'm currently on mat leave so I am bringing home 1/2 of my salary. Neither of us want me working out of the house right now.

[mamaofprincesses]

Have you set up a budget? Often seeing the numbers black-and-white, on paper, makes a difference. It might show him how much is really available for him to spend - and I would include spending money for you and the baby, if there's money to spend on music there's money to spend for you to have a "treat" of your own too! If possible, I would allocate a "music" category with the understanding that if there's an emergency - medical bill, car repair, etc. - then that comes before the music category gets funded. If there's not enough to fund a music catergory, he can use his personal money/allowance/mad money/whatever you call it, for music. If he doesn't like it - well, you know, sometimes you make sacrifices when you procreate!

And I know many, many families who decree that all mad money must be cash, so it's harder to go over it.

[Deepfeet]

Thank you!

I think we're going to have to sit down and budget it in. I'm sure it'll take a lot of negotiating, but once we've agreed on something, I can stop worrying and he'll have a number to keep in mind - makes perfectly simple sense to me : )

I hope the talk goes well - or, er, is at least productive. 

Thanks again,

[eirual]

I was also going to suggest a budget as the place to start. It will give you ease of mind in knowing you're covering what you need covered and him parameters to work within. Anything he needs beyond what is budgeted will have to be extra income he brings in. If you're currently on mat-leave and intending to stay home for a couple of years after that you'll also want to start looking at ways to either drastically reduce your spending/cut your cost of living in order to save in preparation for losing your income entirely. (...and keep your mind open, I found by a year I was ready to work half time and it was a nice balance). 

If you haven't checked out Dave Ramsey, take a peek 'cause his methods kicked our butts into high gear and it's amazing how knowing where you stand, what your financials goals are, and working towards them is so freeing in all aspects of life.

It sounds like this article might be in order too (now, there's a fine balance between dad only being able to do so much and dad being borderline neglectful to the mom and baby dyad): http://mothering.com/mothers-and-fathers

If a new father embraces an equal relationship with his wife, he may be discouraged when the baby prefers her. Because he knows that the baby doesn't want him, he may think he's done something wrong and be afraid to take care of the baby on his own. On the other hand, the new mother is often desperate for a break from the intensity of the new baby's needs, and legitimately needs help. Both mother and father need to learn how to handle this new situation. For example, the father will be more successful being with the baby if he takes the baby right after a good nursing. The mother must be patient and encouraging as her husband learns how to hold and change the baby, and not undermine his confidence with her own expertise.

 

[Deepfeet]

Thank you, thank you!!

We are all over Dave  Ramsey and our communication about all things money/time/family have really improved. I can come across a bit harsh sometimes and just going over some of his articles and talking about stuff rationally and not from my wild and volatile heart definitely helped my concerns resonate with DH. 

I'm also letting go more and asking DH to do stuff with DS more often and NOT intervening when I feel like he's screwing up. I'm ashamed to think I made him feel insecure in his parenting skills by letting my controlling and passive-aggressive bits get the best of me. We've both had several moments of clarity about our dynamic and what we're letting happen to our relationship. I can see my part in things much clearer now and we're both feeling proactive about keeping on top of our feelings and comfort levels about this new family of ours.

Thanks again!

[Fuamami]

Hey, you might want to post this in Parents as Partners as well, to deal with the other side of it:)
 

Originally Posted by Deepfeet 

Thank you, thank you!!

We are all over Dave  Ramsey and our communication about all things money/time/family have really improved. I can come across a bit harsh sometimes and just going over some of his articles and talking about stuff rationally and not from my wild and volatile heart definitely helped my concerns resonate with DH. 

I'm also letting go more and asking DH to do stuff with DS more often and NOT intervening when I feel like he's screwing up. I'm ashamed to think I made him feel insecure in his parenting skills by letting my controlling and passive-aggressive bits get the best of me. We've both had several moments of clarity about our dynamic and what we're letting happen to our relationship. I can see my part in things much clearer now and we're both feeling proactive about keeping on top of our feelings and comfort levels about this new family of ours.

Thanks again!

[Deepfeet]

I wish!

I'm new here - only 15 posts.

Looking forward to working my way up to the 50 posts required to enter the Parents as Partners forum... or has that changed...

[Fuamami]

Oh, sorry! Wasn't paying attention. No, I don't think it's changed.:(

Originally Posted by Deepfeet 

I wish!

I'm new here - only 15 posts.

Looking forward to working my way up to the 50 posts required to enter the Parents as Partners forum... or has that changed...

[bobcat]

I would also say, that other than just making a budget, maybe you could ask him to be the one who makes it, so it's not like.....you being the one telling him what to do with $. If he made it himself,, he can't really break it or bemoan it. If you catch my drift.

It may just come down to this: Is he going to make the conscious decision to be the breadwinner right now? Then you'll need to define how much money is needed from him. And then, he needs to stick by that. So if he CAN make money pursuing his passion, and he is making what you both agree he needs to make, you'll need to kind of respect that he is "bringing home the bacon," and support him, despite the "con" of him being tired afterwards. 

But the good thing about setting a goal of how much money you need him to make, and possibly a deadline of when he needs to be making $___ monthly by (if there are some sorts of start-up costs) is that it's then a black-and-white issue. And if he doesn't meet the amount of $$$ by a certain deadline, he's gonna have to re-think his "dream," and if it is a VIABLE dream. So I think if you set certain goals and deadlines, it will either be attainable for him or not. That way, you are believing in his dream and giving him time/encouragement......but then at a certain point, if it's not happening, it's not happening. And maybe the deadline will be long, like a year. It would just depend on the situation and how long he says he needs, before this is profitable enough. But at a certain point, if you set time-oriented goals for his income and he agrees to them, what he should be doing with his time will become clear.

I think it'll be good for you to be very encouraging to him, so that he can never look back and blame his lack of success on lack of support from you.  But again, he'll have some sort of timeline/monetary goal, so it'll become obvious afterawhile if this is something that is worth dumping money into. And if it's not worth dumping money into as a career, all spending for music will have to be strictly "fun" spending, on the budget.

[JudiAU]

Have you considered getting a part-time job? It would give you more income and would give DH a chance to adopt the role of a caregiver. I understand wanting to be a SAHM, but may need to contribute financially to maintain your standard of living.

Parenthood is a difficult adjustment for everyone and it takes awhile to adjust. Adjusting to the role of primary breadwinner is as well. You've posted to the finances board so I assume that is your primary concern.

[Deepfeet]

I posted here because I really wasn't sure where else to post. 

You're totally right though and I know that I overlook his added stresses a lot. I have a mean streak that resents him for adding more on his plate when we're still new at parenting (maybe you're always new though,) but I can't hold that against him - his intensity and drive is what I was drawn to initially anyways. 

We've discussed the option of me working part-time. For the time being DH would prefer me to be the main caregiver. We've talked about our roles switching in the future - when DS is 3yrs+, but for now this is where we're at.

GOOD NEWS:

DH was awarded a grant to press and promote his album! 

We'll be reimbursed a little bit of money and we won't have to pour any more dough into music for a while!

More importantly though: I really needed some sort of confirmation that this is something we should be investing in... I needed to know that DH wasn't completely delusional .

Call me weak but this is the boost I needed to rejuvenate my mad cheer-leading skills. 

Thanks again for all the advice! 

[mylilmonkeys]

Congratulations!!  You are not weak, you have your feet firmly planted.  When we first married, my dh wanted to pursue being a comic artist.  While different, I can relate to a lot of your feelings.  He spent years being unavailable evenings because he was drawing.  Not a fun way to raise children.  His dream didn't work out, but it sounds very positive for you guys.  Hang in there!