Op, I was in a similar situation. I had a bilateral mastectomy 9 years before my daughter was born, and I had nipple grafts, but no reconstruction - it was an elective mastectomy, I am FtM transgender.
I planned to feed my daughter donor milk, and I had a friend who pumped for me from the time her daughter was a few days old, plus I collected milk from some lovely donors.
Originally, I had hoped to feed my daughter at my chest, using an SNS, but my reconstructed nipples did not respond and behave in the ways necessary for breastfeeding, the one on the left is mostly flat, and on the right, the nipple is kind of permanently erect and turgid, not long and flexible and soft the way a breastfeeding nipple is, ideally.
We had some success getting her to latch with a nipple shield, but that wasn't worth it for me - using the nipple shield and the SNS was very complicated, required two nursing pillows and help from at least one other person. I share this part of my experience because I thought it would be simple - latch the baby on, slip the SNS tube in, away we go. But reconstructed nipples don't behave like unscarred nipples, at least mine didn't, and I never anticipated that possibility.
Also, my daughter was very small, 6 lbs at full term, due to a problem with her placenta (she only had half a placenta) and a problem with her cord (velementous/marginal insertion), so she had a tiny mouth, and she was born in a hospital with no NICU, and nobody suggested trying a tiny little bottle to me. In retrospect, I knew she would be small, but I didn't realize, fully, what a baby that small needs, and I wish I'd ordered some tiny bottles online before she was born, so I would have been better prepared.
Finger feeding, however, worked fine for us, and one of my friends was able to nurse her, so it was important for me to try to teach her to latch properly.
It wasn't a permanent solution, we did it for about ten days, using the Medela disposable mini-SNS (that was actually the best way), and using the Medela more permanent SNS, and using a 5-French feeding tube run through a nipple into a bottle (see Jack Newman's site for information on that, it was the cheaest way to construct an SNS, but hte Medela tubing is softer and easier, I was always afraid of poking BB with the feeding tube, because it was much firmer)
I did the finger feeding for me. Because it felt better for me, and helped me deal with not being able to breastfeed my child. I do think it was easier for her, too, because we didn't have an appropriate size bottle, but it was for me. And if I hadn't enjoyed it, I would have stopped.
Becaue my baby was so small and was eating so little, it wasn't anymore complicated than bottle feeding for me. She would take about an ounce at a feeding, I think she was a month old and had been on the preemie bottles for about two weeks before she ever took two ounces at a feeding. By the time she was six weeks, she was up to three ounces.
It might be different with a bigger baby. My baby wasn't interested in taking milk very quickly, either, and bottle feeding is definitely faster than the SNS or finger feeding.
Now, at 8 months, she tends to want to sit up and bed and hold her own bottle, and so I often hand her the bottle and laugh and play with her while she drinks her milk.
OP, you should do whatever feels right to you. If it's comforting to finger feed, do that. If it's easier to "bottle nurse" which is just to say, you feed your baby while cuddling, do that. I actually found it really easy to stick the bottle in my armpit, put the baby tummy to tummy with me on a nursing pillow, roll her toward me, feed her, and completely ignore her while I surfed the Internet. Which most NAKers are doing, breasts or not! :)
If you decide to feed your baby donor milk from a trusted friend, or part milk and part formula, or all formula, any which way, your baby is being fed and loved.
. I am sorry that the opportunity to feed your baby the way you'd like has been taken away from you, that is unfair. I think with some effort and an open mind you can absolutely have a perfect bond, though!
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