cut ties with toxic mother, need support (mentions abuse and lots of other nasties)

[bremen]

 i cut all ties with my mother 5 or so years ago, and it is really hard to explain to others why this is so necessary.

my  mom, from the view of an outsider:

1. single mom at 23, managed to finish college and first in her family to do so

2. had a good job, but worked long hours

3. had a very hard life, and was a product of her environment

4.  mom who loves and wants contact to her daughter, but daughter rejects her

my mom, from my point of view

1. got intentionally pregnant by a man she did not know, and had me because she was lonely and wanted someone to love her

2. physically abused me from infancy, mentally/emotionally as well. was sexually inappropriate, and lived with  a known sexual abuser (her brother, who abused her)

3. seriously mentally ill. bi-polar was one of several diagnoses. have childhood memories of her waking me in the middle of the night, sometimes to beat me, other times to take me shopping.

4. literally abandoned me the week i finished highschool, as in packed up her car and drove away and never returned to the house again.

5. perscription drug addict, from klonopin to vicodin to improper use of antibiotics. obsessed with perscription drugs, and even drugged me as a child (added prozac to my koolaid, which was not perscribed to me) and the only thing that kept me from the hospital was her threatening me with cps sending me to a grouphome in detroit, which was what would have likely happened.

6. the last time we saw each other, she called me names and threatened violence

7. since the contact has ceased, she has tried round-about ways to contact me:

         a. sneaking on relative's computers to find my address,

         b. googling me, or my place of employment and trying to contact me or my coworkers

         c. sending me leading emails, asking me to contact her for details (births and deaths in family and friends, eg. "there is something i need to tell you about childhoodbestfriend, call me to find out more" childhood bestfriend died, assuming a car crash, the year before the email). she also contacted friends or partners of mine on facebook, telling them to have me call her. i have made it clear that i will not have any contact with her

8. the reason i truly can not have contact with her: she works as a home daycare provider, and i have seen her abuse and be sexually inappropriate with her daycare kids. and before you ask, the only clients of hers who i knew how to contact fired her before i could contact them. i would not knowingly let other parents leave children in her care.

i had to do an outline to organise my thoughts, because this is all so hard to express. having it numbered helps me detach enough to write it down.

the problem is, how can i help typical people understand why i can not have contact with her?

people with no history of toxic family or abuse just don't get it.

how could i explain to someone, like my MIL, who has never known this stuff, why i can not even answer one email?

how can i explain that my mother trying all these underhanded ways to contact me is another way of disrespecting my boundaries and making me less safe?

how can i get across that my mother is more like a criminal than the family member most typical people love and respect?

Edited by bremen - 6/2/11 at 2:10am

[Laggie]

Can you just say she is abusive and you are afraid of her, and leave it at that? I think most people wouldn't ask any further questions. If they did, I think "I don't want to talk about it, it's too upsetting for me." should be sufficient.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this, it sounds really difficult.

I think most of us still hold the idea that all mothers are warm and loving and it's a hard one to let go of.

Now, having said all of that... my brother stopped all contact with my father a couple of years ago, but didn't tell him he was doing so or give any explanation. My father chased after him for some sort of response for *months* until my brother finally wrote him a letter. Now that he understands that my brother wants no contact, he has finally stopped obsessing over it, although it took awhile. My father is also not mentally stable, although he was never in our lives enough to actually abuse us. But he kind of gets stuck on one thing and has a hard time moving on.

I don't think you should feel any obligation to explain yourself to your mother, but maybe if you mailed her a letter asking her to stop trying to contact you? I used to get weekly calls from my dad asking me why my brother didn't want to talk to him, and it was really hard to be put in the middle of that.

[bremen]

it's been over 5 years since my last contact to my mother.

it is very clear that i will not have contact to her. i can not explain why to her, because that would involve contact. she is like a toddler, where negative attention is better than no attention.

my mil knows all of the things i have shared in this thread, but she just doesn't get it. she comes from a healthy, stable, loving family. she jsut can't conceive of why just sending my mom a card would be dangerous, why my mom having my address compromises my safety.

it was even hard for my dh to understand, since, obviously, they come from the same family. it is just so hard for people with healthy family life to understand how toxic family can be.

[Stephenie]

We had to cut off my IL's like this and it is really hard for people to understand as well. They put on quite the facade and people fall for it. 

Even my own parents, who have seen up close and personal some of the damage they've caused to me, my husband and my son (Thank God we cut them off before they could emotionally damage DD as well) still have a hard time truly understanding zero contact. I think a lot of people think that family is family and you just have to deal with them, no matter what. 

When people get into it with me, I try to list one or two examples of how terrible they are (IE "They told my son that I don't love him and my mother that I am mentally "unbalanced" and anorexic. They threatened to call CPS on us out of spite. I don't trust them.") and usually they back off. If they don't I say something like "It's our job to protect our kids from people who may hurt them, even if those people are their grandparents." If it's pushed beyond that, I got on to "Pass the beandip," because they truly won't understand. 

You don't have to justify it. Sorry this is hard for you :( 

[peainthepod]

I'm so sorry, mama. I cut off my own toxic parents a few years ago and it's been a long hard road (but very worth it, in the end). What it really comes down to is you can't make other people understand. You can try to explain and you can give specific examples, but if their own parents were loving and healthy or worse, if their own parents were toxic and abusive but they're in total denial about it, they'll never see it from your point of view. It's too threatening and out there to imagine that there are parents who are incapable of loving their own children and treating them in a non-abusive manner.

I don't mince words about why I'm not in contact with my biological parents, but I don't give details either. It's really no one else's business and frankly, I find it very distressing to talk about. "They were and are abusive and we're not in contact anymore. I don't like to talk about it; I'm sure you can understand that." Then I change the subject. It would take a very boorish or socially clueless person to push for more details after that; if they do, you can be more blunt. "I said I'm not comfortable discussing it, so let's talk about more pleasant things." You may have to be firm but remember, you are under no obligation to justify your choice to anyone but yourself. You don't have to explain and it's not your job to make others understand. I know the validation would be tremendously helpful--ask me how I know!--but that validation may not ever come from people who haven't been there. And that's okay, because you know the truth and that's all that really matters.

[LCBMAX]

May I just say - LOVE the outline, and the concept behind it. I too have had a very hard time explaining to regular folks why some family members are toxic and worse.  ("Really? She seems so nice..." Mmmm hmmm.) 

So I'm really right there with you, and if you don't want to go into detail with your MIL, for example, then I like the option of just saying "There are abuse issues and it's too painful to discuss. Thanks for caring." On the other hand, if you sense (in your healthiest heart) that someone could be a support to you, even if inexperienced in such things - I'd show them your outline! It says it all. By the way, if your MIL has already seen this and still can't relate - it's not because she's from such a healthy family. Even regular unabused folks like a little denial to keep 'em comfy!

Meanwhile, if you haven't yet done so, please call your mother's local CPS agency and anonymously report her abuse of daycare clients. This is appropriate even if she's not a registered day care provider under her state's laws. You don't have to know who the clients are to help protect the kids.
 

You're doing great, mama! Your clarity is inspiring.

Originally Posted by bremen 

8. the reason i truly can not have contact with her: she works as a home daycare provider, and i have seen her abuse and be sexually inappropriate with her daycare kids. and before you ask, the only clients of hers who i knew how to contact fired her before i could contact them. i would not knowingly let other parents leave children in her care.

[ElliesMomma]

honestly, if your MIL already knows everything that you outlined and STILL pressures you to the extent that you are asking for help in trying to convince her to leave it alone, then SHE is also disrespecting your boundaries.

i applaud you for being able to steadfastly walk away from your toxic mother. you do NOT need to explain why to anybody!! that's the kind of information that a person only tells their shrink, or a very trusted friend.

TBH, i think i would give your MIL one more conversation about this topic, one in which you draw a firm line in the sand, and state that the time for this discussion is over and you would appreciate it a lot if she would respect you enough to leave it alone. 

[bremen]

Originally Posted by LCBMAX 

May I just say - LOVE the outline, and the concept behind it. I too have had a very hard time explaining to regular folks why some family members are toxic and worse.  ("Really? She seems so nice..." Mmmm hmmm.) 

So I'm really right there with you, and if you don't want to go into detail with your MIL, for example, then I like the option of just saying "There are abuse issues and it's too painful to discuss. Thanks for caring." On the other hand, if you sense (in your healthiest heart) that someone could be a support to you, even if inexperienced in such things - I'd show them your outline! It says it all. By the way, if your MIL has already seen this and still can't relate - it's not because she's from such a healthy family. Even regular unabused folks like a little denial to keep 'em comfy!

Meanwhile, if you haven't yet done so, please call your mother's local CPS agency and anonymously report her abuse of daycare clients. This is appropriate even if she's not a registered day care provider under her state's laws. You don't have to know who the clients are to help protect the kids.
 

You're doing great, mama! Your clarity is inspiring.

I don't know where my mother lives. i am pretty sure she is in ohio, or it might be michigan.  i have no idea of the names of the kids she is watching now. i am 100% sure that she is not a registered daycare provider. she is on social security disability, and being above-board would compromise that.

the CPS case was closed when i was a kid, cause she actually did stop hitting me after that. cps was called the only time when i was 13 or 14. i always wonder if the abuse would have stopped if someone called earlier.

being in another country, not having seen her in 6 years, and not knowing where she lives, or  the names of the children in her care, i just don't see how i would have anything to tell cps.