i cut all ties with my mother 5 or so years ago, and it is really hard to explain to others why this is so necessary.
my mom, from the view of an outsider:
1. single mom at 23, managed to finish college and first in her family to do so
2. had a good job, but worked long hours
3. had a very hard life, and was a product of her environment
4. mom who loves and wants contact to her daughter, but daughter rejects her
my mom, from my point of view
1. got intentionally pregnant by a man she did not know, and had me because she was lonely and wanted someone to love her
2. physically abused me from infancy, mentally/emotionally as well. was sexually inappropriate, and lived with a known sexual abuser (her brother, who abused her)
3. seriously mentally ill. bi-polar was one of several diagnoses. have childhood memories of her waking me in the middle of the night, sometimes to beat me, other times to take me shopping.
4. literally abandoned me the week i finished highschool, as in packed up her car and drove away and never returned to the house again.
5. perscription drug addict, from klonopin to vicodin to improper use of antibiotics. obsessed with perscription drugs, and even drugged me as a child (added prozac to my koolaid, which was not perscribed to me) and the only thing that kept me from the hospital was her threatening me with cps sending me to a grouphome in detroit, which was what would have likely happened.
6. the last time we saw each other, she called me names and threatened violence
7. since the contact has ceased, she has tried round-about ways to contact me:
a. sneaking on relative's computers to find my address,
b. googling me, or my place of employment and trying to contact me or my coworkers
c. sending me leading emails, asking me to contact her for details (births and deaths in family and friends, eg. "there is something i need to tell you about childhoodbestfriend, call me to find out more" childhood bestfriend died, assuming a car crash, the year before the email). she also contacted friends or partners of mine on facebook, telling them to have me call her. i have made it clear that i will not have any contact with her
8. the reason i truly can not have contact with her: she works as a home daycare provider, and i have seen her abuse and be sexually inappropriate with her daycare kids. and before you ask, the only clients of hers who i knew how to contact fired her before i could contact them. i would not knowingly let other parents leave children in her care.
i had to do an outline to organise my thoughts, because this is all so hard to express. having it numbered helps me detach enough to write it down.
the problem is, how can i help typical people understand why i can not have contact with her?
people with no history of toxic family or abuse just don't get it.
how could i explain to someone, like my MIL, who has never known this stuff, why i can not even answer one email?
how can i explain that my mother trying all these underhanded ways to contact me is another way of disrespecting my boundaries and making me less safe?
how can i get across that my mother is more like a criminal than the family member most typical people love and respect?
Edited by bremen - 6/2/11 at 2:10am