Hiding Alcohol

[Irishmommy]

Dd is almost 17. She knows we are pretty open about most things - we don't have an issue with her drinking at home if she would like to, but we do have an issue with her drinking at other peoples' homes and won't allow her friends to drink here (legal concerns).

She's at work. I need her school pants to rehem them. She was wearing her gym clothes after school, so I went into her school bag to find her pants. Found a full, unopened bottle of vodka in a grocery bag in her school bag. She had to have had it at school, as I picked her up from there. There is so much wrong with this scenario.

For the moment, we have taken and hidden the bottle, left the bag. Our plan right now is to not say a word about it, and see if she says anything to us, or see how she reacts. We know her response if we confront her will be "I was keeping it for a friend", whether true or not. We don't really care if it is true, she had it at school, which is grounds for at least suspension, and she's underage.

So what do we do? What would you do?

[skreader]

I disagree with your plan to not say anything about it & wait. It seems passive-aggressive and a bit dishonest.

It it were me, I would wait for her to come home and tell her what you just told us:

"I went into your room to get your pants to re-hem and found a bottle of vodka in your bag."

Then, see what she has to say.

If she puts out the tired "I'm keeping it for a friend" I would say something like.

" That excuse is so old, I've used it myself when I was 16.  don't care if it is true or not. It is grounds for suspension from school & you are underage.

Then, you and your husband need to decide what sort of "consequence"  or punishment is appropriate.  Grounding except for going to work or school for  a few weeks might be an idea.

But, my eldest is only 15 & I've never had to confront this.

[new2this]

I would say something rather then not. I know if I was in that spot and my parents found something that I wasn't suppose to have and they never said anything I would have taken it as that is end of it and nothing was going to come about it outside of them taking it. They didn't feel the need to say anything then why should I. 

I would address it and since you are allowing her to drink at home then you need to set up and go over the ground rules about drinking again.  I would want to know where the bottle came from and things like that. I also am not one to make things like drinking taboo but I also would not be one who would allow it. There would be consequences like grounding and loosing privileges. But I also think its important not to go so overboard where it shuts down the communication. 

[sfmama2]

I agree w/previous posters -- I would address it -- it seems sneaky to just hide it and say nothing and this is exactly an issue I am dealing with, with my teens.  I think it's best if we as parents set an example of not being dishonest, sneaky, etc. if that is what we expect from our teens.

I would definitely want to know what the real story is with it, and reiterate to her the consequences of having alcohol outside the home in her bag when she is underage. 

I have tried to focus more on the real world consequences rather than "parent consequences"  (i have a 17 yr old) and they are so close to adulthood, imo they really need to understand that it isn't just about parents setting rules but that the things they do have consequences that are beyond parents.

Good luck in dealing wtih this -- I think it is so important to keep the communication open if you can!

[Irishmommy]

Thanks. What I did last night was write her a note saying I found it, and asking her to come and talk to me. I put the note in her bag. She didn't say anything last night, but there is a great chance she hasn't seen it.

And re allowing her to drink at home, she doesn't! At least, she doesn't in front of us. And I'll be really upset if she's sneaking alcohol.

[new2this]

I'm sorry I didn't mean for it to sound like you don't care if she drinks all the time type thing but more of a relaxed view on it like if you all are having some wine she is welcome to as well. Or a few beers type thing. In a controlled environment vs just letting her be a wild child and getting drunk as she pleases at home. I very much am one who rather make drinking less taboo then a big deal so I understand what you meant.