Caring for Infants During a Death in the Family?

[~Adorkable~]

My Grandfather is Dying

that is the hardest thing i have ever wrote out in my life, he is one of the cornerstones to my universe. i am driving 5 hours away this morning to be by his bedside in a hospital, a bed he will probably never get out of. There are still a bunch of unknowns.

I have 5 month old twins. I nurse and pump, they are exclusively feed my breast milk. Yesterday as i heard the news and was swamped in phone calls and figuring out logistics of gathering the family, the babies got worked up over and over in reflection of my own mental state.

so the question is, any advice on how to best care for them, keep them calm when everyone around them gets worked up? protect them from the turmoil of family dynamics? Clearly they are too young to understand anything but how their parents are feeling.

oh and tonight and tomorrow they will be sleeping away from their dad for the first time ever, he has to join us later, no way he can leave work on such fast notice. He is heartbroken to be away from them, i feel so bad that im taking them, but clearly that is what has to happen, he understands. i have very little milk stashed right now, so i will be nursing round the clock while i deal with this all.

my babies are going to a funeral?

[Adaline'sMama]

Oh mama, my heart breaks for you. I lost my grandmother last year when DD was 6weeks old. It was so hard. Throughout all of my life she had been my rock, and I still miss her every day and am so sad that my LO doesnt get to have her in her life. We really used our baby to our advantage when my Mimi was dying. Several relatives were so upset and sad but perked right up when they were allowed to hold the baby. I was exclusively nursing, but I did pump and let my dad feed her a few times. I found that having a baby around really helped everyone's mood. At the funeral, the baby was something that everyone could focus on as a happy, positive thing. I will say, way way more people wound up holding my kid than I wanted, but Im glad they did because it allowed me time to grieve, ,make calls, thank people for bringing food, ect. I asked my dad and stepmother to take DD outside several times. They took her for walks, car trips (so she would nap without interruption. They would drive around and then get take out and eat it in the care with the baby).

We tried to limit the time that she was in public view to 15 minutes or so, so that she didnt get totally overwhelmed. Babies are super adaptable though, and I think at 5 months they will enjoy all the attention. I should have worn her more often, but honestly, she was probably better of being held by a stranger than by me who was sobbing.

I also spent two nights away from DH at this time, and DD slept just fine. Im really sorry this is happening, and I hope your grandfather has a peaceful passing. Ill be thinking of you.

[MamaJenese]

My Mom passed away when DD1 was 4 weeks old. I had to drive out of state with her and  DS who was 23 months old. It was awful. I nursed and cried a lot. However having DD there and having to nurse her was a way to relax, to re center, and think about the circle of life. Having her there was a blessing for everyone. It was a way for everyone to step out of the grief if for only a minute.  Crying is ok, being upset is ok, grieving is ok.I feel like grief is not something children need to be protected from. It is a result of the deep love felt for others.  Your babies will still know they are loved and safe and that is all that matters. They will probably be a little off but once you are all back home they will snap right back, I promise.  I am so sorry you are going through this right now.  Wishing you peace and healing.

[ashleybrook]

[mom2lucy]

Hugs to you.  I know how hard this is.  My grandpa passed away (unexpectadly) last summer when DD2 was 8 weeks old.  We kept our 2 year old here with MIL while DH, DD2 and I went to see my grandpa in the hospital and again the next week for the funeral.  I agree with what the PP's said that the baby is really a special part of this difficult time.  So many people who were at the funeral commented that it was so nice to see her there and bring something happy. 

It reminded everyone about the circle of life and I'm certain that my daughter's presence made the day a little easier for everyone.  She was a lot younger than your twins, but I just kept her in a sling through the whole funeral and she actually slept the whole time. 

I was obviously very upset and crying most of the time, but I really had no choice but to have her with me.

Death and grief are a part of life and there's really nothing you can do about it.  I intentially didn't want my 2 yr old at the funeral, but I would absolutely have a 5 mo old with me.

I still think about it today how my intense grief has affected DD, but it's something we'll never have an answer to and the last thing that we need to worry about when dealing with the death of a loved one.

Thinking of you in this difficult time.

[Blanca78]

No advice to you, Adorkable, but just wanted to say I am so sorry for your loss. Your grandfather is lucky to have you as a granddaughter.

[littleplum]

I had a death in the family when my son was less than two months old.  It was a very difficult trip, not just emotionally, but also physically.  I was breastfeeding and still recovering from surgery.  But once we got there, there were ample hands to help with the baby and funeral arrangements and the baby proved to be a comfort to not only me, but others who were feeling the sting of loss. 

IMO, babies are wonderful to have at funerals.  They remind everyone of the best things about life.

[googoogaga]

Originally Posted by littleplum 

IMO, babies are wonderful to have at funerals.  They remind everyone of the best things about life.

OP, I am very sorry for your loss. I wholly agree with this post though.

[~Adorkable~]

Well my grandfather passed away on Sunday, we had the funeral and the babies like you have all said were a moment of life affirming, in a bleak week. Thank you all for your stories, we are crushed, I'm at a total loss to even think straight. But yet around the clock I return to these two little pure hearts that need me and love me and are my world now, they are mending my heart in a way that I will spend the rest of my life returning the favor.

Now Ihave another maybe even bigger issue pending, my milk is failing. I am barely keeping up with them, I am pumping many times a day and nursing round the clock and raer than the amazing abundant supply I have always had, we are barely making it from pumping to pumping! I have in thevrecent past been able to pump nearly 30 oz in a very late night session, I know an amazing amount, tonight I could barely get 8 oz. Remember I am feeding to 5 month old twins Just on my milk, they have never had anything else. Im soo scared that I'm not going to have enough, I'm sure the stress is doing this.

[Adaline'sMama]

Originally Posted by ~Adorkable~ 

Well my grandfather passed away on Sunday, we had the funeral and the babies like you have all said were a moment of life affirming, in a bleak week. Thank you all for your stories, we are crushed, I'm at a total loss to even think straight. But yet around the clock I return to these two little pure hearts that need me and love me and are my world now, they are mending my heart in a way that I will spend the rest of my life returning the favor.

Now Ihave another maybe even bigger issue pending, my milk is failing. I am barely keeping up with them, I am pumping many times a day and nursing round the clock and raer than the amazing abundant supply I have always had, we are barely making it from pumping to pumping! I have in thevrecent past been able to pump nearly 30 oz in a very late night session, I know an amazing amount, tonight I could barely get 8 oz. Remember I am feeding to 5 month old twins Just on my milk, they have never had anything else. Im soo scared that I'm not going to have enough, I'm sure the stress is doing this.

I am so sorry for your loss.

I know people probably think I work for Motherlove, because I feel like Im always pimping their products, but I love them! I suggest More Milk Plus. I found that I only needed one bottle of it because it helped me get my supply back up, and then I was okay. Remember that the pump is nowhere near as good as getting milk out as your LO's, so they are probably getting more than you are pumping. Have you cut back on nursing this past week while this stuff was happening with your grandpa (were you feeding them more pumped milk, less directly from the boob?)

http://www.motherlove.com/product/530-More-Milk-Plus.html

[~Adorkable~]

For a day or two I was probably direct nursing them less, but we are Back to mostly normal, what is very different is that I am clearly spending less time laying around with them, I am up around the house doing a million errands helping my grandmother get her afraid in order and my dh and mom have taken on primary baby duties. I'm out of bed earlier than usual and spend a lot less time just having them on me. I have started to fix that, caring one whenever I can as I do family business

[somegirl99]

Just wanted to send some hugs and my condolences for your loss.