what would you do?

[guest poster]

There are three parts of this so bear with me.  I'm a long time member, but needed some anonymity here.  Please be gentle.

I have a great family.  I am happy where I am in my life and finally feeling like I can breathe.  This is a good feeling.  I have children and we are 100% out of babydom.  I'm going back to work in the fall and our lives will be comfortable for the first time in ten years.  I have a special needs child and another who receives services.  But things are finally under control.

I'm currently undergoing treatment for a health issue using a protocol that is dangerous to a fetus.  Because we have no intention of having more children this was not an issue and we used protection anyway.  No exceptions.  Another baby would crush me.  I've been through a LOT and just couldn't even consider doing it again.  So, yes...protection always.

A few weeks ago we had a condom break.  It wasn't super clear, but something we pieced together in retrospect.  I had what I *thought* was excess cervical fluid the next morning which I shrugged off.  Dh says there was a time when the condom seemed fairly light, but it was late and not concerning enough to think too much about.  It was only yesterday that we put that together.  Yesterday after a positive pregnancy test.

I'm beside myself.  I'm pro-choice, but could never (myself) terminate.  At least I didn't think I could.  Dh is the same.  But the fact is that aside from the massive depression that I will be in which will border on dangerous because I CAN'T have more kids (we are very low income and the kids are already on state insurance and we struggle to meet our basic needs) I have more than likely caused damage to the baby already.  I'm only about 5 days late for my period, so this is new and I'm absolutely reeling.

I have talked to two doctors and no one can give me a definitive answer on the likelihood that this baby is already harmed.  I do know a bit about gestation and know what could be affected at this point.  The medication is not necessary for my survival and I can go off of it, but can't erase the damage that's been done.

One doctor talked to me about a chemical abortion.  This is just so far from what I thought I'd have to be thinking about now that I just don't even know what to do.  I don't really have anyone to talk to about this.  I need some support please.  I need someone not in my situation to talk to me because though my gut is saying the best thing to do is end this pregnancy I am having a really, really hard time.

[Peony]

It is certainly understandable that any decision like this would be a difficult one to make. Whatever you decide, while it very well might be the choice that is best for your family, it doesn't mean it is easy to actually do. I'm struggling to find the right words but couldn't read and not post. Hang in there momma. 

[Adaline'sMama]

I want to let you know that its not likely that you have already caused damage to the baby. If you search online for drug usage during the early, early weeks of pregnancy you will find that there is very little evidence that even severe substance abuse during the first 4 weeks rarely effects the fetus.

That being said, Im pro choice, and I think you should do what you want to do and what you and DH feel needs to be done. If you are going to choose to terminate, do it now and take the pill instead of going through the procedure.

Im sorry, I know its a tough decision.

[Subhuti]

Gosh, I feel for you.  You seem to have really, deeply pondered this, and while you haven't come to the right decision for you, I trust you will.  

That said, if you do chose to terminate, remember, that can be one of the most important decisions as a mother.  Sometimes, ending a pregnancy is for the benefit of that child and for the children that you do have.  I feel it is sometimes the right thing to do.  Please know that you have support here if you do chose that.

Sorry you are going thru this difficult time.,...

[JMJ]

If you can't have an abortion and can't handle having more kids, could you think of a creative solution that does work for you?  Think outside the box.  Would you consider placing the baby for adoption?  Is there some change that you could make that would ease up your financial situation or help out your mental health?  What can you do that you can live with?  It's OK to take some time to think.

Hugs to you.

Edited by JMJ - 6/4/11 at 12:03pm

[guest poster]

 

Originally Posted by Peony 

It is certainly understandable that any decision like this would be a difficult one to make. Whatever you decide, while it very well might be the choice that is best for your family, it doesn't mean it is easy to actually do. I'm struggling to find the right words but couldn't read and not post. Hang in there momma. 

thank you.

Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama 

I want to let you know that its not likely that you have already caused damage to the baby. If you search online for drug usage during the early, early weeks of pregnancy you will find that there is very little evidence that even severe substance abuse during the first 4 weeks rarely effects the fetus.

That being said, Im pro choice, and I think you should do what you want to do and what you and DH feel needs to be done. If you are going to choose to terminate, do it now and take the pill instead of going through the procedure.

Im sorry, I know its a tough decision.

this is one part of what I'm wrestling with.  there are certain things that you can't be on while pregnant, but aren't necessarily harmful past a possible miscarriage.  then there's things that are super harmful to the point where you're tested routinely to make sure you're not pregnant while you're on them and the label on each bottle says that it produces birth severe birth defects.  Meds where you're required to take a pregnancy test in the office before they'll refill it and they don't start you until you begin menstruating to reduce all chances of pregnancy.  You also have to sign consent not to become pregnant until you've been off the drug for over a month.  Not all "drugs" are created equal.

Originally Posted by Subhuti 

Gosh, I feel for you.  You seem to have really, deeply pondered this, and while you haven't come to the right decision for you, I trust you will.  

That said, if you do chose to terminate, remember, that can be one of the most important decisions as a mother.  Sometimes, ending a pregnancy is for the benefit of that child and for the children that you do have.  I feel it is sometimes the right thing to do.  Please know that you have support here if you do chose that.

Sorry you are going thru this difficult time.,...

Thank you.  So very much.

Originally Posted by JMJ 

Yes, having another baby will knock things off balance again, but you can find it again.  Yes, another baby will tighten up your budget, but you can find a way to make it work.  There may be risks to the baby, but this far along, the medications you were taking will likely cause a natural miscarriage, or the baby will be fine.

unfortunately that's not the case here.

You say that you could never have an abortion and that you cannot handle having more children.  Now, you're in a tough situation.  What can you do that you can live the rest of your life with?  If you continue this pregnancy, you will get by.  One tiny baby does change things, but he or she doesn't ruin your life.  If you really, honestly, don't have the means to take care of this child, you probably qualify for various social services and charities.  I know, nobody wants to be dependent on others, but if it is what you have to do to keep your family alive, that's why they are there.

we are receiving services already.  both through the school system for special needs as well as medicaid and food stamps.  I know that's why they're there...but being in and adding to that situation are very different things.  what this will also do is prevent me from working for a long time.

If you say that abortion is not for you and your husband says that as well, I would be very wary of going down that road.  There are a lot of people who have regret for years down the road due to abortions they felt were their only option.

this is my concern.  absolutely.  I'm terrified of feeling okay with it (okay enough anyway) and then never being able to forgive myself.  you can't know the future and ending the pregnancy might be the best choice for us, or it might tear us apart.

If neither of those really works, is there a creative answer?  One way or another, you have to either become fine with one of the choices that don't seem fine or think outside the box.  Would you consider placing the baby for adoption?  Is there some change that you could make that would ease up your financial situation or help out your mental health?  What can you do that you can live with?  It's OK to take some time to think.

I don't think either of us would be okay with adoption.  And that feels selfish.  But at least if the child was born and stayed with us, we would know they'd be safe.  The world is a scary place and I'm fairly certain giving up a baby would ruin me because of all the "what ifs?"  Not that I'd change my mind, but I'd be obsessing over whether they were being treated well.  And, again...we're talking a very real potential that there has been damage.  I've seen what having special needs kids has done to people in support groups etc.  It's a really hard road.  not just for the family, but potentially for the child as well.

Hugs to you.

all of this is so hard and multifactorial.  I struggled with severe depression.  I had a lot of things go wrong after all of my births.  do they put my life at risk?  no.  but I'd pay any sum of money to not have to go through it again.  That's why we're so diligent with birth control.  My husband is already crumbling under the stress of our lives, living with a progressive disease and faltering under the heavy financial burden.  Everything that has happened in the last 10 years or so has just crushed us.  I was literally just starting to see a small twinkle.  I just want to die right now.  (and to be clear, I'm not suicidal, I just can't take one more thing.)  My only prayer right now is that this ends on it's own.

I had a counseling session yesterday as well as a doctor's appointment.  I have another Monday and a follow up Wednesday.  This is being taken seriously by my care providers, but ultimately the decision is ours.  Thanks for hanging in there with me.

[Subhuti]

oh mama, just reading the last entry ... I know that feeling when you have been thru years of struggle and outright suffering ... And you begin to see an end to it.

I will go out on a limb and say it ... i feel that to terminate this pregnancy, given the severe risks of this medicine ... Woukd be the compassionate thing to do. For the unborn, for your husband, for your kids .... And for you... Yes, you matter, too.


I had to terminate a pregnancy once when it was clear the parenting was not going to be there for that little being. I had a one night thing with someone who turned out to be borderline psychotic ( but highly functional). He told me flat out he was going to insist that he take the baby to the woods and raise it on his own. Of course, that would not have happened, but i knew i could never, ever let a baby be raised, in part. By a father like that.

I had. Alot of support from my religious community which accepted the decision i made and helped us honor the unborn fetus with a community gathering.

I have not, for a moment, regreted that decision i made to protect my unborn baby.


( hugs )

[XanaduMama]

Originally Posted by Subhuti 


I will go out on a limb and say it ... i feel that to terminate this pregnancy, given the severe risks of this medicine ... Woukd be the compassionate thing to do. For the unborn, for your husband, for your kids .... And for you... Yes, you matter, too.


 

Couldn't read and not respond. I feel so much for your dilemma and send you huge hugs across the ether. I agree with Subhuti: it sounds to me as though this would be the compassionate thing to do all round, for so many reasons. But wishing you strength as you wrestle with your decision.

[pagoda24]

I'm so sorry to hear you are dealing with this. I can only echo the other posters- it sounds as though terminating may be the most compassionate parenting decision you can possibly make- for this pregnancy, and for your other children. If you do decide to terminate, it sounds as if you have resources to help you deal with your emotions afterwards. There are several pro-choice hotlines (Backline and Exhale) that offer support to women who have terminated. I hope that you are able to make the right decision for you and your family. 

[morganxobrooks]

You're in an extremely tough situation, I'm very sorry! I'm not an advocate for abortion, but this is a tough situation. If it was me personally, I'd keep the baby...but, I'd understand if you didn't. I'll keep you in my prayers during this rough time...I know it's rough, but this too shall pass.

[Imakcerka]

Wow, I'm sorry.  A friend of ours was on medication and was told not to have children until it was all over with.  She signed the paperwork and everything acknowledging she should not and would not get pregnant.  However... she did and on purpose.  She said she did the research and they were just trying to scare her.  Her baby is on a feeding tube and is just that and will be just that for life.  You think she would learn?  NOPE!  She waited a few years then on the same medication had another one.  And the new baby is definitely not ok.  She has two older healthy children.  And now she has two young children that she chose to have and was told that this could and most likely would happen.   It's heart breaking for the older ones and puzzling for others who can't understand why she would do this. 

It's your choice to decide what you need to do for yourself.  However the threats with medications are real and your concerns are real.  I hope you find some peace and I hope that it works out the best way for you and your family.  Depression is a rotten thing to have to deal with.  DH lives with it every day.  Good luck.

[dejagerw]

Originally Posted by Imakcerka 

Wow, I'm sorry.  A friend of ours was on medication and was told not to have children until it was all over with.  She signed the paperwork and everything acknowledging she should not and would not get pregnant.  However... she did and on purpose.  She said she did the research and they were just trying to scare her.  Her baby is on a feeding tube and is just that and will be just that for life.  You think she would learn?  NOPE!  She waited a few years then on the same medication had another one.  And the new baby is definitely not ok.  She has two older healthy children.  And now she has two young children that she chose to have and was told that this could and most likely would happen.   It's heart breaking for the older ones and puzzling for others who can't understand why she would do this. 

It's your choice to decide what you need to do for yourself.  However the threats with medications are real and your concerns are real.  I hope you find some peace and I hope that it works out the best way for you and your family.  Depression is a rotten thing to have to deal with.  DH lives with it every day.  Good luck.

I think it unfair to judge your "friend' and compare her to the OP. Doctors do not always know what is "dangerous to a fetus or child" often times mothers are told not to breastfeed due to a medication they are taking, when in reality, the medication is safe to take while nursing. I don't know what the OP is taking, but not all treatments are guaranteed to hurt a baby. What happened to her was an accident, she's not trying to get pregnant while knowingly taking a medication that could be harmful to a fetus.

To the OP, I'm sorry for what you are going through. I would not abort the baby by any means. There are many stories of women taking medications that could be harmful to their babies, and their babies turning out fine. Maybe just try taking things day by day, and see where things lead.