Male OB? Am I right to say no, or just being picky? - Page 2

[onetwoten]

Originally Posted by Alenushka 

It is sexists to assume that someone is incompetent or evil base on her or his gender.  Go meet the OB, see what he like.

Seriously, . Imagine a male patient saying this about female urologist . He would be called a sexist pig.

I never said he was incompetent or evil... but rather that I've been sexually assaulted in the past and strange men make me uncomfortable. There's nothing sexist about that. 

But you obviously didn't bother to read through the rest of the thread, so I don't know why I'm bothering to even respond. 

[Alenushka]

So, if one man sexually assaulted you, all will in the future? That is as sexist as saying "I had one incompetent woman worker, I will not hire women anymore"

I am not gonna go into my personal history here, but if I was guided by my past , I would have never met or worked with many amazing men including men in healing profession.

[onetwoten]

No, I'm not saying all will. And obviously you still haven't bothered to read the whole thread as you would know that I HAVE decided to contact a male doctor. 

We're talking about comfort during labor, the most intimate time in a woman's life. I wouldn't think I would have to explain the importance of being comfortable to someone here on MDC. 

Honestly, I don't feel you're being helpful, or even trying to, and I'd prefer if you refrained from commenting on this thread again unless you have something truly productive and non-judgmental to say. 

[Sanveann]

Personally, I would talk to the female OB and see how you like her. She might be open to some things that you suggest. :) As far as the male doctor goes, I would try to meet with him, as well. Maybe if you develop a relationship throughout your pregnancy, you would feel more comfortable with him?

I have had a male OB in the past and was very happy with him, and a different OB in the practice (also male) delivered my first. He was fantastic, as well. And to be honest, I was so "in the zone" in my labors that a marching band probably could have come through, let alone a male doctor, and I wouldn't have thought anything of it! But of course, everyone is different, and this is a really personal decision.

[Lisa1970]

If you are that uncomfy because of a sexual assault in the history, then go to the female, who..was maybe less competent? But I do want to add my experience. I have been abused and sexually abused in the past. But my son was killed by an incompetent female OB. I go for the most competent OB regardless of gender. I do not think you would be asking if you were not at least somewhat open to a male OB. If you are open to it, then go with the most competent doctor, regardless of gender. I thought of cutting out all female doctors after my son was killed. There were 3 female OBs involved in his death. It was definite malpractice and drug use was involved by at least one of them. But in the end, I did end up with a female again, just because she is who I am most comfy with and is pretty competent. She also knows how my son died and does not give me a hard time about the legal action I took against the 3 doctors who killed my little boy.

[onetwoten]

Thank you ladies. I ended up getting a confirmation from a female OB whom I know is good, whom has delivered all the babies in my husband's family. I'm still trying to get ahold of that male GP, but he is impossible to track down! I do have to say that reading the reviews for him-- it was like all my hesitation went out the window -for him-. Hearing someone who is that highly thought of, I was confident that I would feel comfortable, and not awkward or on guard. 

You bring up a good point Lisa, and that's something I'm worried about as well, was just having an unsupportive female there, because as we know, female doesn't equal supportive or as you've found out, competent. I am so sorry about what you've gone through, and I can't imagine having to go through choosing another provider after that. You're strong mama.

These are so many reasons I wanted a homebirth (one provider, who is supportive of natural birth in general) as opposed to several over the course of the labor, and never knowing who it's going to be. 

I'm feeling a lot calmer about all of this over the past few days, although more confused, because I potentially have TWO confirmed OB's right now, plus still trying to get ahold of the GP. But DH and I have had some good talks about being on the same page and putting our foot down for the things we want. And I also found a doula whom I know personally in another part of my life, and I feel I will be well supported. I'm feeling comfortable with any of my three options of provider now, so thank you everyone!

[karmamamaa]

I think its important to do whatever you feel comfortable with, but I might say that the OB who supports my team of midwifes...all they do is rave about him. DD was breech and he turned her at 38 weeks, he is actually THE ob everyone sends their patients to for such matters, as well as any complications etc. All the nurses in the hospital love this guy.

I think hes just brilliant. My husband things hes so funny as well. 

The reason why- really is unlike many pompous, arrogant male OBs out there....hes like the sweetest little super nerd. Some are like that, I don't know how to explain it. He kind of meanders around with his crazy hair like a mad scientist of sorts and hes the sweetest little thing, but hes all facts and technology and ivy league etc. I really never felt threatened by him, and although in a normal birthing experience he might not be my guy if I ever needed his assistance, I'm glad its him.

[hildare]

i just wanted to chime in and say i have a male ob, and i love love love him!  he listens to me, and has seen SO freaking many births that he has a really good intuition about the small nuances of what he sees.  i think experience counts for so much more than the actual possession of a uterus. 

however, if there is anything (ANYTHING) about your own birth care assistant that makes you uncomfortable, absolutely feel no guilt at choosing someone else.  you do not want to be tense about your health care provider when it comes down to it. 

[MegBoz]

Glad to hear it's working out!

Edited by MegBoz - 6/21/11 at 2:17pm

[sunflwrmoonbeam]

There's a male CNM in town that people love, and I've had a good pelvic from a male gyno. That said, I too would be kinda squicked about a male OB. Especially as I'm into natural birth, I don't feel comfortable with a practitioner who hasn't been there. I'd consider one, but not my first choice.

However, if I were having to plan an OB birth, I'd get whoever would let me go the longest. I birthed my daughter at 42+3, so length is very important to me.

[Arete]

I think there are two separate issues here.  One is whether male obs are pushier, more overbearing, more medical.  That I can't speak to in any conclusive way, though I have my opinions (everybody does!).  The other is simpler, I think: strange man (not partner) looking at and touching intimately.  This isn't something that evidence, or other women's experience, really can have anything to do with.  It's a gut feeling, and yes, it can be very much influenced by things like past sexual assault.  So maybe we could try to compartmentalize the two issues.  By the way, if anyone were to suggest to me personally that I should put myself through horrific emotional trauma for the sake of not offending a male dr.'s sense of gender equality, I would blow a gasket.

[MegBoz]

Originally Posted by Arete 

I think there are two separate issues here.  One is whether male obs are pushier, more overbearing, more medical.  That I can't speak to in any conclusive way, though I have my opinions (everybody does!).  The other is simpler, I think: strange man (not partner) looking at and touching intimately.  This isn't something that evidence, or other women's experience, really can have anything to do with.  It's a gut feeling, and yes, it can be very much influenced by things like past sexual assault.  So maybe we could try to compartmentalize the two issues.  By the way, if anyone were to suggest to me personally that I should put myself through horrific emotional trauma for the sake of not offending a male dr.'s sense of gender equality, I would blow a gasket.

great post. Well said - very logical, sensible approach. Especially on the part I bolded above

[onetwoten]

Originally Posted by Arete 

I think there are two separate issues here.  One is whether male obs are pushier, more overbearing, more medical.  That I can't speak to in any conclusive way, though I have my opinions (everybody does!).  The other is simpler, I think: strange man (not partner) looking at and touching intimately.  This isn't something that evidence, or other women's experience, really can have anything to do with.  It's a gut feeling, and yes, it can be very much influenced by things like past sexual assault.  So maybe we could try to compartmentalize the two issues.  By the way, if anyone were to suggest to me personally that I should put myself through horrific emotional trauma for the sake of not offending a male dr.'s sense of gender equality, I would blow a gasket.

YES! Thank you. That explains so much better than what was coming across earlier. 

I do not in any way doubt a male dr's ability to be a good doctor, his knowledge, his attitudes, his practices, etc. And I do not doubt that there are probably countless males who make better doctors than their female counterparts. I also don't mind a doctor, male or female, who has not given birth. They don't need to have been there, they just need to be willing to respect how I want things to be when I do go there.

I do doubt my own ability to be comfortable with a strange man touching my vagina, especially while I'm in a high stress situation. That's what the issue is. Not competence, or pushiness or anything else. 

[imagine21]

I had a female Dr (family practice) for a long time.  She was a great lady and I liked her so when she was traveling when I went into labor with my first I was upset that her male partner would be helping me birth my daughter.  I had never been to a male GYN.  He was kind, respectful and just all around awesome.  He let me labor for 58 hours (3.5 pushing) and never cut me, or even suggested pitocin.  My daughter had a bandallier cord (over the shoulder and under her arm) and he expertly guided us to a safe birth.  He stayed with us in the hospital overnight and well into the next day when DD was born at about 11am.  He even performed an emergency c-section on another woman in the hospital while he was waiting on me.  

Fast forward 9 years, my female doctor had decided that she was not going to do OB anymore so when I got pregnant she asked me if I wanted a referral to an OB or if I wanted her partner to treat me.  I chose her partner.  I had two miscarriages, one of which required a D&C and he handled them beautifully and with grace, doing an expert job on the D&C and calling me twice a day to check on me after both miscarriages.  I finally gave birth to a healthy baby boy, who came out "shoulder first" and although birth was relatively easier (than DD) I did have a 3rd degree tear which the doctor expertly repaired.  In fact, he didn't like the repair job (15 minutes in) and decided to rip out the stitches, and do an extra layer of stitches for which I (and DH) are grateful.  It took an hour and 20 minuted to stitch but it healed perfectly.  

When my regular doctor decided to give up her private practice, my whole family switched to her partner.  Here is when I really learned how great he is.  He administers the EASIEST and most comfortable pelvic exams of my life.  My daughter is now 15 and will be starting pelvic exams in the next few years.  I will recommend him to her as well.

[raidercake]

It's completely ok to have ick feelings about a male OB...but I had a male for my first pg and he was ah-mazing! Super smart and attentive. We pushed that baby out in 30 mins with no tears and he was so supportive the whole way through.

My insurance changed for my second pg so I couldn't use him again, but since he was a professor at our medical school I went with one of his former students - a female. She and her nurse just sing his praises and I feel great knowing that she was taught by the best!

My advice is to schedule an appointment with a male OB and tell them about your ick factor, and your past experiences. I think male OB's are very sensitive to your feelings and will want you to be as comfortable as possible. Just be up front and honest with them.

Good luck mama!

[CBEmomma]

You need to go with what you're comfortable with. If you're just not comfortable with male OBs, then don't. It can damper your labor and birth with being uncomfortable with your Doctor.

[kijip]

Originally Posted by Alenushka 

Seriously, . Imagine a male patient saying this about female urologist . He would be called a sexist pig.

I think a lot of people, men and women have preferences for the gender of their doctor.  I know many men who prefer a male urologist and I personally do not think that is sexist at all.  It is not sexist to be uncomfortable with someone a certain gender examining your body.  As a survivor is childhood rape, I never, ever see male doctors for pelvic exams.  I might be ok with a male midwife.  I have a male family doctor but he understands that I prefer to see a woman for any pap smears etc.    

[jenerationx]

I hope you were able to decide on a doc and have found one that you are comfortable with!

Just wanted to chime in as another that has a male OB.  I swore I never would see a male OB (how could he possibly understand?!).  I chose a practice that has 3 male OB's and 1 female and knew right away I would pick the female.  Well, they like to rotate you between the 4 while you are pregnant since one of them (and only them) will be there for the birth.  Had the female doc the first visit--thought she was OK.  The next visit was with one of the males and I really liked him.  Went to the 3rd visit with another male doctor, waited for him forever and told myself I was sure he would be my least favorite.  Of course I was wrong.  :)  Totally LOVED him.  Best doctor I have ever seen.  Aside from being incredibly knowledgeable, he's calm, laid back, funny, extremely personable and just plain kind.  Most gentle doctor I've seen and takes the time to answer all questions, chat and got to know me.  That's why he runs behind--a lot. 

I was lucky enough to have him at my birth and he was awesome, just like I expected.  No matter if you choose a male or female, I hope it's someone that you can trust and are comfortable with--that's what it all comes down to. 

[Plummeting]

I would go with whoever makes you feel more comfortable. For me, personally, I cannot, will not, do not see male docs for A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G related to anything that would require them to see or touch my breasts, crotch, or butt. Not because I'm "afraid of men", but because it makes me uncomfortable. Why would I want to be uncomfortable during a procedure or situation that is already going to be uncomfortable enough? I've tried it, too, and it was awful FOR ME. I wasn't afraid. I just didn't like it.
 

Originally Posted by laohaire 

But I am not afraid of men. My comfort level has nothing to do with yours.

Just... don't settle, ok? Keep looking, keep your options open.

And being uncomfortable with a male OB does NOT indicate that a woman is "afraid of men". Good grief. See above. I don't cower in fear of strange men on the street. I don't fear my husband. I don't avoid conversing with men out of fear of what they might say or do to me. I argue with men when necessary, and I certainly don't view every man as some stalker or potential rapist or whatever it is you think I must be thinking to not want a male doctor in the room, poking around at my crotch when I give birth. Furthermore, I'm not even modest. I just don't want a male doctor for my female issues. It makes me uncomfortable.

Originally Posted by Alenushka 

It is sexists to assume that someone is incompetent or evil base on her or his gender.  Go meet the OB, see what he like.

Seriously, . Imagine a male patient saying this about female urologist . He would be called a sexist pig.

You know what's even more sexist? To assign those beliefs to a female simply because she said she wasn't as comfortable with the idea of a male OB. THAT is sexist. The idea that a woman MUST be comfortable with men in EVERY situation, doing EVERYTHING, or else she's a sexist - THAT is sexist. If my husband didn't want a female doctor to check him for prostate cancer or testicular cancer, I wouldn't think it was because he was sexist. I would think it was because he didn't want some strange female touching his crotch or anus. It's not unreasonable (although my husband doesn't actually care). Since when did what some people are comfortable with (in this case opposite sex doctors) become the litmus test for deciding whether everyone else was a sexist? Strange.

I am pretty much shaking my head that people here are saying the things they're saying. Now women aren't even allowed to make decisions about their own health care providers without being called sexists or told they're using the wrong criteria for deciding what THEY are comfortable with? This is the most anti-woman nonsense I've ever heard.