What should I do?

[butterflylover]

Background:  My husband and I have been separated now for a little over 3 years. We have just never filed for divorce. He started off willingly paying CS and was taking our child EOW for visitation. We did not have any court orders, etc. We worked out a schedule and we were amicable. After a few months he stopped paying his CS and he stopped taking his visitation. He has seen our child now approximately 4 times over the past 3 years (an hour here, 2 hours there, etc.) while in my home. The courts ordered CS as I was receiving government assistance and he has been paying it though he is typically one month late.

Once in a while, perhaps every 4-6 months or so, he will call and want to talk to our child. Our child has insisted on not talking to dad. I let the calls go to voicemail. What would you do? Would you force the child to talk to dad? Ignore his calls? Call him back when child is in school, etc.? I'm somewhat at a loss as to what I should do in this situation. Child is not close to dad at all and refuses to go visit him as well. Child is in elementary school and very vocal about not visiting/calling, etc.

Advice, thoughts, opinions? Thanks! :)

~Ellie

[mimim]

Allowing the calls to go to voicemail and only returning them if your child wants to or they seem urgent seems like a good decision to me. Have you filed for divorce? I'd do that right away if I were you.

[fiona2359]

I am just starting this process - so take this for whatever it may be worth. My lawyer advised me that fathers and much more likely to be compliant w/ child support, and to pay greater amounts, when they have a connection to the child. So, you might want to consider whot o facilitate that w/o causing more upset to your child. E.g. can you encourage the child to draw a picture to send to daddy (or just send one that you have on had), or take a photograph and send it along, etc. If you can't manage the phone calls this may be a way to do that.

I would encourage my child to talk to his Dad, or at least discuss it with him, try to keep the phone calls short, etc. I can see how each phone call and later months of being igored is reexperiencing the loss each time.

[StephandOwen]

My ex stopped taking his visits when ds was 2 years old. Then he disappeared more or less for years until reappearing again, wanting to be "father of the year". DS is now 7 and has recently started phone calls and visits again with a man he doesn't know as "dad" (he calls him by his first name). For the phone calls- ds is totally in control of them. I answer the phone (not saying anything to ex), put it on speaker phone (ds has sensory issues so wouldn't take a phone call without speaker phone because he can't stand the noise right by his ear) and hand the phone to ds. DS can talk as long as he wants and then he knows how to hang up the phone and give it back to me.

What about having your ex meet you and dc somewhere mutual (a park, for instance)? You can stay the whole time and reassure your child that you aren't leaving without him/her.

[eggsandpancakes]

Originally Posted by fiona2359 

. . .  My lawyer advised me that fathers and much more likely to be compliant w/ child support, and to pay greater amounts, when they have a connection to the child. . . . .

Kinda off topic, but I have heard this too, and I have to wonder if people aren't making a bigger deal out of it than it is. It doesn't take a university study to figure out that a father that is lazy, emotionally distant, and not involved in the kids' lives during marriage isn't likely to change afterwards. And a father who genuinely cares, makes sure that he stays involved, and is doing the best he can by his kids probably isn'r going to stop doing so after the divorce. I would feel really bad putting the responablilty on the child to make cards, ask to call, etc, with a father that hasn't fostered the type of relationship where that behavior comes naturally.

[sparklefairy]

Our experience has been that without me around, he has had to take a more active role in their lives and that he has stepped up his involvement. I know that others have had similar experiences. He's still lazy :-) but when we were married, it was like he saw them as an extension of me and that because he had a relationship with me he had one with them without having to do anything but be a lump on the sofa. Now with me removed, his relationship is with them, if that makes sense.
 

Originally Posted by tinahiggins 

Kinda off topic, but I have heard this too, and I have to wonder if people aren't making a bigger deal out of it than it is. It doesn't take a university study to figure out that a father that is lazy, emotionally distant, and not involved in the kids' lives during marriage isn't likely to change afterwards. And a father who genuinely cares, makes sure that he stays involved, and is doing the best he can by his kids probably isn'r going to stop doing so after the divorce. I would feel really bad putting the responablilty on the child to make cards, ask to call, etc, with a father that hasn't fostered the type of relationship where that behavior comes naturally.

[Bad Mama Jama]

I would also let the calls go on to voicemail and allow the child to determine if and when they would like to talk to the other parent.  At this point, they have the capacity to vocalize their needs and desires, so I would go with that.

[fiona2359]

Well, it does seem a bit obvious. However, without research it's just an assumption about what is likely. My point was really that OP might want to consider how to facilitate the relationship while protecting the emotional needs of her child, because it may increase her liklihood of getting child support. Certainly, it is in the best interest of the OP and her child to have child support. I don't think it should be the child's responsibility at all - and I don't think I said that. However, as I am going through this process now myself I have to consider the best interest of my children - including having a good relationship w/ their father, and financial support. That may require *me* (not the children) to facilitate the relationship because it is in their best interest financially. This is assuming of course, that is can be done in a way that does not put the kids at increased risk of further loss and disappointment. It does mean that I need to be civil w/ STBX and facilitate his relationship with the kids so that *he* feels attached (and is more likely to pay CS).

 

Originally Posted by tinahiggins 

Kinda off topic, but I have heard this too, and I have to wonder if people aren't making a bigger deal out of it than it is. It doesn't take a university study to figure out that a father that is lazy, emotionally distant, and not involved in the kids' lives during marriage isn't likely to change afterwards. And a father who genuinely cares, makes sure that he stays involved, and is doing the best he can by his kids probably isn'r going to stop doing so after the divorce. I would feel really bad putting the responablilty on the child to make cards, ask to call, etc, with a father that hasn't fostered the type of relationship where that behavior comes naturally.

[APToddlerMama]

I have never been a single parent so I don't want to crash this forum, but I am wondering if you know why your child doesn't want to talk to dad?  That would play a huge role in my decision, as would age.  A 6th grader articulating actual reasons for not wanting to visit that seemed legitimate would make me strongly consider allowing calls to go to vm.  A first grader who maybe just isn't as familiar with dad so isn't interested...I would probably try to do more "let's meet at xyz to play for an hour" type of thing.  I do think a relationship with both parents is healthy and important for a child as long as there aren't major issues with one parent.  That said, all the CS money in the world wouldn't convince me to encourage visits if I felt it was in any way detrimental to my child. 

[butterflylover]

Thanks for all of your thoughts and advice. I have some thinking to do.