when will i be able to rejoin the family bed?!

[mamaLHK]

i have a 7 1/2 year old ds with whom i coslept happily until i had ds2 2 months ago.  the night i came home from the hospital we all settled into bed (including dh) and ds2 started crying.  ds1 just looked at me heartbroken and said something like "take him away" and i said "that means i have to go too" and i sadly left and have been sleeping upstairs ever since.  that sounds too much like ds1 runs the show - i wouldnt have left if i didnt think it was the right thing to do - ds2 spent mant nights screaming several times a night and it took a lot to settle him, and it definitely would be impossible for either ds1 or dh to get any sleep, and i didnt/dont want ds1 to resent ds2.  now ds2 just wakes to nurse, but there is a lot of grunting, etc. and then he is up for the day at 6:30.  can anyone share their experiences of cosleeping with an oldish older sib and an infant?  at the moment we have a king size bed - i dont think i will even be happy on my own matress in the room, but i dont want to kick out my ds1 since he has been sleeping in the main bed since he was little and again i dont want him to see ds2 as the cause of such an abrupt and unwanted change.  help!  i feel so sad, and i miss all the time i used to spend with ds1.

[D_McG]

I have a newborn and 2 older children (2.5 and 5).  I told them that babies can be loud and need to learn how to sleep/nurse so they had to sleep in their own beds while we got it worked out.  I said by the time my oldest starts K maybe they can come back occasionally (not routinely).  It's not causing resentment or anything.  It's just the facts.  

You say the 7 year old doesn't run the show but I think you're putting him in a very odd and I would say unhealthy position where he has input on where you and the baby sleep!

The other thing we talk about here is how mommies and daddies in this house sleep together.  And babies sleep with their mommies (again, here in this house.  in other houses they sleep in cribs sometimes or whatever).  

I think you should send your 7 year old to sleep in his own room.

[LDSmomma]

Originally Posted by D_McG 

The other thing we talk about here is how mommies and daddies in this house sleep together.  And babies sleep with their mommies (again, here in this house.  in other houses they sleep in cribs sometimes or whatever).  

I think you should send your 7 year old to sleep in his own room.

Or at least give 7yo the option.  "This is where mommy & daddy sleep, and baby has to sleep with mommy to nurse.  You can sleep here, too, but it's loud.  If you'd prefer quiet, you can sleep here or here or here (in your own bed, in a mattress on the floor, etc.).  You're always welcome in the family bed, and can come in even during the night if you want.

[D_McG]

Originally Posted by LDSmomma 

Or at least give 7yo the option.  "This is where mommy & daddy sleep, and baby has to sleep with mommy to nurse.  You can sleep here, too, but it's loud.  If you'd prefer quiet, you can sleep here or here or here (in your own bed, in a mattress on the floor, etc.).  You're always welcome in the family bed, and can come in even during the night if you want.

yes that's true.  That's actually what we did when we brought DD home (my first DD).  Now that I have 2 older though I didn't want to deal with both of them AND the newborn in the bed.  We wouldn't be comfortable.

[journeymom]

i don't want him to see ds2 as the cause of such an abrupt and unwanted change.

But the birth of the new baby is the cause of the change.  The change is apparent in all parts of your life and your ds1's life, not just in the family bed, and the cause has not escaped his notice.   He may or may not be resentful.  But it will help give him some stability if you, mama, are gently clear with him about what the new routines and new expectations are.  Your ds1 needs you to be clear and firm.

I think the other two mamas gave perfect practical advice. 

[LadybugMamma]

now that youve gotten past the really loud baby stuff, i would make the decision to move ds1 into his own bed. either part time or all the time, or his choice. he can always go to his own room in the early morning when ds2 wakes up, you can snuggle him when daddy has ds2.

I would be concerned that he would feel like he pushed you away.

[D_McG]

Originally Posted by LadybugMamma 

I would be concerned that he would feel like he pushed you away.

But at 7 surely he can understand that he's big enough for his own bed and the baby isn't?  My kids don't feel pushed away.  I think it's all in your attitude.

[LadybugMamma]

Originally Posted by D_McG 

But at 7 surely he can understand that he's big enough for his own bed and the baby isn't?  My kids don't feel pushed away.  I think it's all in your attitude.

what i meant was that the kid would feel like he pushed his mom away, since OP said he told her to take the baby away and she left the bed. I do agree that at 7 he can understand that he is big enough for his own bed while his baby brother isnt. giving him the control over mommy leaving the bed is where my concern lies. I feel that he can successfully transition to his own bed without HIM feeling pushed away.

[whozeyermamma]

My advice: You sleep in your grownup bed with the baby and give the older boy an option - you can sleep in here but it's sometimes noisy. This is what we did with our older cosleeping 7 year old. She chose to move to her own bed - and often DH lays with her until she's asleep or comes in to her bed if she wants company.

I assume that at some point she'll come back to the family bed now and then. (Now DH is another matter - he snores so loud and talks in his sleep so he might never be welcome back!

In our house, the queen mattress is on the floor for me and baby. Baby is still up every few hours (he's 11 mo) - but at some point I'll tell DD (almost 8) that if she wants company in the night she can come in and I'll put a mattress on the floor at the foot of our bed for her. DD is a rock solid sleeper - I'm more worried that the baby will spot his big sister and want to play.

That said it is very hard when you have a new baby and you miss time with your older kid! Maybe if you can find time to carve out with your big boy you can work something else out for the nighttime?