MIL cuts your kid's hair without asking: Is it OK?

[fireHC11]

I picked up my kid from my mother-in-law, an amazing woman with infinite energy to devote to helping me, and noticed his hair was... different.

"Oh, his hair was poking him in the face," she said, "so I cut it a little."

The hair that I'd been growing out for months was gone, and his bangs were crooked.  He had a very bad bowl cut.  In anticipation for our upcoming vacation, I'd been growing it out so that I could cut his hair (or get it cut professionally) before leaving on the trip, so that he'd look like a dashing toddler in our vacation photos.  He has very thin hair, and finally has a nontrivial amount of it, so growing it out was important in making his head look full.

When I heard that she'd cut his hair without asking me, inside, I was mad.  But I said, "Thank you," because my mother-in-law's culture prevents me from expressing criticism of an elder.

For me, I feel this was an overstepping of the boundaries.  It's my kid's hair, and she should have at least asked first, or, even better, gently suggested that I cut his hair, if it was indeed poking him in the face (usually I brush it to the side so that it doesn't bother him).  

Now he has terribly short, crooked bangs, and I'm upset.

What about you -- is it OK for your MIL to cut your kid's hair?  What would you do?

[McGucks]

I would have been really, really angry.  I probably would have mumbled through saying something like "I wish you had asked me first."  Sometimes people's "help" is not helpful.  I am sorry for what happened I get what you are saying about trying to be respectful of her culture, but I still would have been seriously displeased and p.o.'d.

[puddle]

I have a friend whose MIL did this. It was her last unsupervised visit with the kids.  (Not just because of that--it was just the last straw in her case.)  I personally think it's totally overstepping and I would be mad.

[Ellen Griswold]

My own mother-in-law had this happen to her when she was a young mom.  Dh was about 3 and had the most beautiful locks of curly black hair.  She left him with his grandmother (her mother-in-law) and she had cut it short.  Dh is 36.  MIL carries a grudge to this day.

[CherryBombMama]

my MIL cut her great granddaughters bangs not too long ago, and the girls mom (MILs granddaughter) didnt even blink an eye. i even mentioned, "Oh, i see *her name* cut A's bangs. are you ok with that?" Her reply was, "well, they were kinda long."

I ended up ranting to dh that if his mom ever touched my boys hair i would be beyond pissed and he might as well warn her now not to do it. i honestly try to be as respectful as possible but I am their mom and gosh darn it I want some respect too!

:)

[pumpkin]

That would be the end of unsupervised visits for me.

My paternal grandmother cut my hair when I was a toddler. I still don't think my Mom is completely over it and I'm 37. Just mentioning it will start her on a huge rant.

[goinggreengirl]

Absolutely not okay! EVER! No one except the parents (and the child itself) has the right to make that decision. My future SIL was joking about how she was going to sneak DS away to have his hair cut while I wasn't looking. I said that would be the last time they were ever allowed to touch him!

[teraze]

Oh my God.  NO!  Totally unacceptable.  I hate confrontation and always do my best to be diplomatic, but I'd be outraged if my MIL did this - and she's sweet, helpful and has my son's best interests in my mind always, but NO.WAY.

[Katwoman]

Originally Posted by fireHC11 

When I heard that she'd cut his hair without asking me, inside, I was mad.  But I said, "Thank you," because my mother-in-law's culture prevents me from expressing criticism of an elder.

For me, I feel this was an overstepping of the boundaries.  It's my kid's hair, and she should have at least asked first, or, even better, gently suggested that I cut his hair, if it was indeed poking him in the face (usually I brush it to the side so that it doesn't bother him).  

I don't mean to be rude/snarky, I really am just curious.  How is she supposed to know your boundaries if you're not allowed to tell her when she's done something outside of them?  Some people are talking about nonsupervised visits - which I get are appropriate in some instances - but how come you can't just talk to her about it?  (Yes, I did read she was from a different culture.)  But no matter what culture you're from, saying thank you seems to indicate the person was some how helpful.  How is she to know?  (Yes, it would be nice if everyone had the same boundaries ....  I totally agree.)  But since we don't, how is she supposed to understand?

[fireHC11]

Originally Posted by Katwoman 

I don't mean to be rude/snarky, I really am just curious.  How is she supposed to know your boundaries if you're not allowed to tell her when she's done something outside of them?  Some people are talking about nonsupervised visits - which I get are appropriate in some instances - but how come you can't just talk to her about it?  (Yes, I did read she was from a different culture.)  But no matter what culture you're from, saying thank you seems to indicate the person was some how helpful.  How is she to know?  (Yes, it would be nice if everyone had the same boundaries ....  I totally agree.)  But since we don't, how is she supposed to understand?

It is a good point, and it's complicated. At this point, my husband will have to talk to his mother, my MIL, and discuss what happened. The person closest to the relative is the one that needs to deliver the criticism. When she has an issue with something I do, she tells her son (my husband) and he tells me. It's just the way the culture works. There's no way for me to express vexation, outrage, or even concern in real time without seeming exceedingly rude.* I don't want that; I'd rather stay on amicable terms, because my MIL really does help significantly with child care while I'm at school.

* I learned this from experience -- when MIL didn't think naps were important and I grumbled loudly, she called her son (my husband) to tell him that's not OK, in vague terms. We've since worked it out, but it takes finesse and an understanding of the culture.

[fireHC11]

Well, it's going to be fixed this way: My DH quoted the OP and sent the e-mail to his dad! OMFG.

[One_Girl]

I said maybe.  I have always let my dd choose when she wants a cut and how she wants it so I wouldn't be concerned if my one of my dd's grandma's brought her for a cut, or cut it themselves, with my dd's consent.  She didn't have her first haircut until she was four though and I really take letting her choose seriously because her hair is part of her body.  It looks like your child may be a little young to decide about a haircut though so I can see how her violating his ability to choose would make you angry.

[APToddlerMama]

So do you actually mean that about your mother-in-law or are you being sarcastic?  For me, the answer would depend a lot on that.  If my MIL, who is not an amazing woman and who does nothing to help me and only constant passive aggressive acts, did that under the guise of "helping", I'd flip out.  If any number of other people who truly are interested in helping me did that, I would disappointed that my son's hair was cut, but wouldn't be mad.  I think her intentions have everything to do with it, but I'd still ask your husband to talk to her about not doing it again. 

Originally Posted by fireHC11 

 my mother-in-law, an amazing woman with infinite energy to devote to helping me,

[fireHC11]

Originally Posted by APToddlerMama 

So do you actually mean that about your mother-in-law or are you being sarcastic?  For me, the answer would depend a lot on that.  If my MIL, who is not an amazing woman and who does nothing to help me and only constant passive aggressive acts, did that under the guise of "helping", I'd flip out.  If any number of other people who truly are interested in helping me did that, I would disappointed that my son's hair was cut, but wouldn't be mad.  I think her intentions have everything to do with it, but I'd still ask your husband to talk to her about not doing it again. 

Ha! No, I was not being sarcastic! :-) Our parenting styles do not always align, but she does everything in her power to help out whenever needed. Sometimes this includes unwanted parenting advice, and other times it involves some very silent butting of heads as our styles or cultures clash. I think she always tries to be helpful.

[Llyra]

What I would expect-- if my kid was with MIL, and she thought a haircut might be nice, that she'd call me, and say, "Hey, I noticed DS's hair is getting long. I have some time this afternoon-- would you want me to go ahead and cut it for you?" Then I'd say, no, thanks, we're growing it out on purpose, so I'd like you to just leave it alone. and I'd expect her to not get huffy or defensive, but just say, oh, that's fine, and move on.

Anything less, to me, would be WAY overstepping the boundaries. I understand how how complicated it can be. I come from a family/culture where if you're mad at somebody, you walk right up to them and confront them. You say what they're doing, and how you feel about it, and you tell them to stop. It's what's expected, and nobody gets particularly upset about it. If feelings run high, then maybe there's some yelling, and then everybody negotiates a solution, and goes and has a beer together.

My DH is NOT. In his family, when you're upset with somebody, you put on a really fake smile and pretend you're thrilled, and then you go home and complain, and get so-and-so to just happen to mention to so-and-so, casually like, a week later at the hairdresser, oh did you know your DIL was pissed at you about that haircut you gave her son, and then they'd gossip about it awhile, and then call the aunts and cousins and bring them into it, and then at the next family gathering somebody makes a passive-aggressive remark about it, and MIL buttons her lips and plays Ms. Superior and I have to just sit there and stew. Then a few weeks later, DH calls her and finally confronts her about the whole issue, and she bursts into tears and tells him all about how much I hate her, and how horrible it is that he lets me turn him against her. Then we all have to pretend the whole thing never happened, or we'll have to do the whole charade over again.

It makes solving problems exceedingly difficult.

[waiting2bemommy]

Definitely not ok. My mom cut dd's hair, crookedly and very poorly, when she was about 6 months old and I think I even posted about it here. It was just one in a long string of unacceptable things she has done, but it stung more than most. Especially because it was my daughter and I really enjoy doing her hair and dressing her and all that. It's something special for us as mother and daughter.

If it had been an unusual thing for her to overstep boundaries I would not have been as angry. It would have still stung, but I don't think I'd have been as angry. But either way, whether it's part of a pattern or not, it's not appropriate. You don't modify someone's child's body in any way without their express approval.

[mumkimum]

I voted maybe - I would be okay with a relative (like a MIL) cutting my kid's hair if:

They had asked first, I had made some comment myself (like oh, I just haven't had time to cut dd's hair), or my child was older (at least 5-6) and had asked them

If just a random whim of theirs to cut my kid's hair, I find that to overstep my boundaries like most others (though I'd probably say thanks and act like the OP did).  And I personally really like to cut my kids hair.  (Llyra - I find your post hilarious, yet I totally understand its truth.)

OP - wait a week or even just 2-3 days, you might find you can adjust the bangs enough after a short wait they won't look so bad to you.  

[SuburbanHippie]

Ugh.  My MIL did this to me too.  She cut DD's bangs that I was trying to grow out.  I didn't say anything to her because her watching DD for us was really helpful, but I was soooo mad!

[treeoflife3]

I guess it depends.  I can't stand my MIL but if my kid is like 7 and really wants her hair cut and my MIL takes her to cost cutters or something to get it done, I'd be annoyed she did it.. but only because I can't stand her.  If my mom did the same thing, I couldn't care less.  It is my kids hair and if she wants it cut a certain way, then whatever.  So, if my MIL did take my kid to get her hair cut on kid's request, I'd bite my tongue because I know the real issue isn't that she paid for something my kid wanted... it's just that I don't like her... not really fair for me to say anything in that situation.

However if my MIL cut my kid's hair just because SHE wants it a certain way, I'd be peeved.  It really isn't for her to decide how my kid looks.  I'd feel the same if my mom did that.  It's one thing to get kiddo's hair cut because she asked for it and a whole other to decide how I and my child keep her hair is 'wrong' and needs to be fixed.

with that said, I cut my bangs literally the day before picture day in kindergarten.  Of course it looks awful... but it is absolutely adorable and everyone gets a kick out of the pics and story now looking back.  When else can you sport an awful hair cut with a huge goofy grin?  being 5 was awesome for that!  and I'm the one who did it hahahaa... my mom was like 'oh well.. guess you'll look funny forever in those pics, I'm not paying for new ones!'  So... a bad hair cut on a little kid wouldn't bother me simply because they make for great pics to look back on as an adult.

[Katwoman]

Okay, that makes sense.  At least there is a way for feedback to reach her.  (Even if it's kind of awkward and round about.)  I was just concerned you said thank you and she would take that to mean, she likes I cut his hair, I'll do it next time too.

Sorry that I haven't been helpful to your original question.  I would be really mad.  Mostly because of the whole 'had a plan for vacation" aspect.  Otherwise, hair is hair and it will grow back.  But when there is a plan, especially picture related plan, laid backness goes right out the window.