or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Marriage or kids #1 priority?
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

Marriage or kids #1 priority? - Page 6

post #101 of 116

In my experience as a sahm for around 15 years now, it can be very hard to have things to talk about besides kids, money, or dh's work or our hobbies(sports or whatever), unless things are going on outside your family. Like inlaw drama or friends or some major catastrope in the news.

post #102 of 116
Quote:
Originally Posted by purplerose View Post

In my experience as a sahm for around 15 years now, it can be very hard to have things to talk about besides kids, money, or dh's work or our hobbies(sports or whatever), unless things are going on outside your family. Like inlaw drama or friends or some major catastrope in the news.


I don't agree. I've been at SAHM for 15 years now and I always have lots to talk about. I read non-fiction, best sellers and artsy-fartsy stuff. I listen to NPR and volunteer in three cool organizations. I never let myself be boring.
post #103 of 116

Those things would qualify as hobbies, which is one of the topics I mentioned. And what's not boring for some can be super-boring to others.

post #104 of 116
Quote:
Originally Posted by purplerose View Post

In my experience as a sahm for around 15 years now, it can be very hard to have things to talk about besides kids, money, or dh's work or our hobbies(sports or whatever), unless things are going on outside your family. Like inlaw drama or friends or some major catastrope in the news.


I think this is true for some, but not others.  I'm a SAHM and DH and I constantly have stuff to talk about besides all those things listed.  Maybe I am just lucky though.
 

 

post #105 of 116
Quote:
Originally Posted by purplerose View Post

Those things would qualify as hobbies, which is one of the topics I mentioned. And what's not boring for some can be super-boring to others.



If we're going to include reading non-fiction and novels and listening to the radio and volunteer work (and, presumably, the organizations within which the volunteer work takes place) under the heading of "hobbies", then I can't see any possible reason why "only" talking about the kids, money, work and hobbies should be considered limiting in any way. This potentially includes all kinds of current events, abstract concepts, and personal philosophies, etc. There are very few things that wouldn't/don't fit into these categories, yk?

post #106 of 116

Yeah, that was my point...there's really not much to talk about besides what goes on in our lives, someone else's lives, or something happening in the world(and I said catastrophe but I didn't mean it to be limited to that, I have to type quickly and get in what I can in limited time!) When the kids were little and things were hectic most conversations were started by talking about the kids or work. They did progress to other things but those were the biggest things in our lives at the time.

post #107 of 116
Quote:
Originally Posted by purplerose View Post

Yeah, that was my point...there's really not much to talk about besides what goes on in our lives, someone else's lives, or something happening in the world(and I said catastrophe but I didn't mean it to be limited to that, I have to type quickly and get in what I can in limited time!) When the kids were little and things were hectic most conversations were started by talking about the kids or work. They did progress to other things but those were the biggest things in our lives at the time.



I don't think I'm following you at all. What does any of this have to do with being a SAHM? I can't think of anything that I could/would have discussed with my dh (or ex, or whatever) during my years as a WOHM that I can't/don't discuss as a SAHM. I'm just not sure what you're getting at.

 

In any case, I think complaints that "she only talks about the kids and our finances" and "he only talks about his work and sports" and such are really a very basic matter of "he/she isn't listening to me and/or doesn't care about the things that are important to me". That can be an issue, even if topics of conversation are many and varied, yk?

post #108 of 116
Quote:
Originally Posted by choli View Post

 

Making the time to have real conversations with each other, not just conversations about the kids. Having common interests outside of the home and kids, so that we don't bore each other to distraction. Keeping up with current affairs so that we have things to talk about besides the kids!

 

I'm sure this won't be popular, but most of my co-workers are men, and a lot of those who are divorced tell me that their marriage broke down because (in their opinion, of course) their wives gave up talking about anything beyond the kids and the family finances.

Seriously?!!! hello. i totally dont buy that. isnt it normal to do that kinda talk originally. and to branch out at others as motherhood becomes second nature and its not so spanking new anymore. probably family finances is the key issue here.

 

in situations like this i feel cracks were already there and the parents thought the children would be the band aids but instead they were like salt into open wounds. 
 

 

post #109 of 116
Quote:
Originally Posted by APToddlerMama View Post




I think this is true for some, but not others.  I'm a SAHM and DH and I constantly have stuff to talk about besides all those things listed.  Maybe I am just lucky though.
 

 


I am NOT a SAHM and DH and I have a fair amount to talk about. My ex-husband and I hardly talked about anything, and I also was not a SAHM. He simply wasn't interested in what I had to say, and vice-versa. We got married young and when we grew up, we were totally different people. When I look back on it, the only thing we had in common was the military. When I left the service, we no longer had anything to talk about. He's boring as hell and has no passion for anything except the Ohio State Buckeyes, Fantasy Football, and Dale Earnhart (Sr, not Jr.) My activism and general weirdness embarrassed him.
 

I think that people can find things to talk about if they are at all on a harmonious level, SAHM or not.

 

post #110 of 116
Quote:
Originally Posted by Storm Bride View Post
In any case, I think complaints that "she only talks about the kids and our finances" and "he only talks about his work and sports" and such are really a very basic matter of "he/she isn't listening to me and/or doesn't care about the things that are important to me". That can be an issue, even if topics of conversation are many and varied, yk?


 

I really agree with this. I would add that those comments don't just mean, "he/she doesn't care about the things that are important to me,' but they also mean:

 

 "I do not care about the things that are important to him/her."

 

When our kids were little and my days were crazy and exhausting as a SAHM, if my DH would have felt I was a poor conversationalist because I didn't have anything to talk about but the children that we brought into the world together and the home we created together, then I think the fault would have been his, not mine.

 

Luckily, I married a man who is interested in his children.

 

Now that the kids are older and I have more freedom, I find myself a lot more interesting, and DH is happy for me.

post #111 of 116
Quote:
Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post




 

I really agree with this. I would add that those comments don't just mean, "he/she doesn't care about the things that are important to me,' but they also mean:

 

 "I do not care about the things that are important to him/her."

 

This. Definitely. I meant it both ways around, but forgot to mention this side of it in my post.

 

When our kids were little and my days were crazy and exhausting as a SAHM, if my DH would have felt I was a poor conversationalist because I didn't have anything to talk about but the children that we brought into the world together and the home we created together, then I think the fault would have been his, not mine.

 

Luckily, I married a man who is interested in his children.

 

 

I like this, too. On the rare occasions when dh feels that I'm focusing too much on the kids, it's more about concern for me (as that usually means that ds2 is being a wild child!). But, he wants to know what they did all day, and what they're learning and things like that. They're his kids, too!

 

Now that the kids are older and I have more freedom, I find myself a lot more interesting, and DH is happy for me.

 

My sole outside-the-house hobby is a Broadway choir that I belong to. DH thinks it's great that I get to go out and do something I enjoy (singing, not Broadway so much), and push my comfort zone (being both amazingly self-conscious about my singing voice, and having fairly serious social anxieties makes this quality in a big way!). But...I think he's more happy that I'm interested and have something to do that isn't all about the kids/house/family than he's interested in the choir itself. He doesn't really like Broadway music, outside the context of an actual play. He likes the choir for what it does for me.



 

post #112 of 116
Quote:
Originally Posted by Storm Bride View Post


think he's more happy that I'm interested and have something to do that isn't all about the kids/house/family than he's interested in the choir itself. He doesn't really like Broadway music, outside the context of an actual play. He likes the choir for what it does for me.
 

 

Exactly!  In the same vein, I'm happy about what fantasy football does for my DH. I don't care about football, at all. I think fantasy football is kinda silly, but it makes him so happy. He has friends all over the country that he's in a league with. He's such a serious guy and so focused on Work and Family, I think it's good he lets loose and does something silly with his friends.

 

I think that part of being happily married is being happy about the things that make your spouse happy, and that includes listen when they talk about those things and caring about how they feel about them.

 

On the other hand, unhappily married often seems to include a feeling that the way your spouse spends their time isn't worthwhile and that they don't have their priorities in the right place.

 

 

post #113 of 116


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post

 

I think that part of being happily married is being happy about the things that make your spouse happy, and that includes listen when they talk about those things and caring about how they feel about them.

 

On the other hand, unhappily married often seems to include a feeling that the way your spouse spends their time isn't worthwhile and that they don't have their priorities in the right place.

 

.....and that your spouse is generally a self-centered dick who only cares about himself.

 

I didn't begrudge my ex his sports fanaticism. I couldn't stand the way he thought "quality time" with the kids was watching TV together, or the way he would sneak off to go fishing so he wouldn't have to take them with him. I hated the way he turned every family outing into a trip to Hell, what with bitching about the kids' clothes not matching, or they were talking too loudly, or whatever. Oh, and I really didn't like when he slept with other women. Yeah, I guess his priorities weren't in the right place. They still aren't. He's adopted his wife's daughter, and has seen his own kids for one afternoon in the past 18 months.

 

It's kind of hard to happily listen to stuff that bores you when the person talking is a boor. My husband sometimes talks about stuff that I don't particularly enjoy, but he's lovable and likable, so it's different.


 

 

post #114 of 116


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by 2xy View Post


 

 

.....and that your spouse is generally a self-centered dick who only cares about himself.



 


yes, I think the OPer was assuming that one is partnered with a caring humane being that one cares deeply about. It's really a very different question without that assumption.

 

1. Do you feel your marriage to a person of character who loves you and your children and you hope to have as a partner for life is more important than your kids?

 

vs

 

2. Do you feel marriage to a scum bag who doesn't care about you and avoids spending time with his kids, who you mostly hope will die early so you can have the insurance money, is more important than your kids?

 

 

With question 1, most would say balance, though some would say the kids or the spouse. With question 2, I think all would agree the kids are more important.

post #115 of 116

They are both my top priorities. I want my kids to be healthy, happy, clean, fed, and educated. I also want date nights with my husband, enough sex, and quiet time to hang out together after the kids' bedtime. In the long run I want all of us to have great relationships with each individual in our family. Our toddler takes more work than my older two (who go to school all day 9 mos. out of the year). That doesn't mean she's more of a priority than my 3rd or 1st grader, I'm just doing what needs to be done. 

post #116 of 116

I have a good marriage, I dont have a husband who is a - what was it? Self centered Dick. Love that! You just described my neighbor and we call him that, well not to his face.

 

If I was in that type of a relationship, I would put my kids first and get out of that since I dont want my kids thinking that is what marriage is. I am not saying I would just get up and leave one day, but try to work on it, get my self set up and then leave.

 

I have been a sahmom for 9 plus years and as pps have mentioned, we also have plenty of things to talk about. I think those who dont, didnt have anything really to say before they had the kids either.
It reminds me of the story of a relative saying how his wife was -Yes going back to work someday because she had 'Mommy mush brain."  I thought to myself, what was her excuse before the child was born? But he has said many digs such as this before.  He finally stopped when I reminded him, 'Well she married you didnt she?'

 

I wonder how many women have fallen for men who talk about how their X or STBX didnt have sex with them, talk to them, listen to them etc. How sexy to listen to that now isnt it?

New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Parenting
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Marriage or kids #1 priority?