My "I'm Such a Bad Mother" Question of the Day

[Belia]

I would like to ask an honest question to those of you who have more than one child.  Particularly those of you whose children are very different in temperament and personality.  Like, if you have one child who would be considered easy, laid-back, easy-going, and another child who is more high needs, spirited, challenging.

So my question is.... do you truly love them both?  Wait... love is the wrong word.  I'm sure you love your kids.

I guess what I want to know is.... do you truly LIKE them both??  Even the more "difficult" child?  How?  WHY???

A little background in case you think I'm completely insane:

I have a 2-year-old who is the absolute light of my life.  He's a typical toddler, but in many ways he is and always has been very easy.  Great sleeper, great eater, easy-going, calm, smart.  It seems as though everyone I know who has had an "easy" baby has had a second who turns out to be a FIRECRACKER of a baby.  And the thought terrifies me.  I know how much my easy, laid-back child takes out of me on a daily basis, and I CANNOT IMAGINE how I would survive parenting two little people, especially if one were higher-needs.  Even your garden-variety "higher needs," like not a good sleeper, clingy, etc.

I could totally see myself resenting a "tougher" baby.... like, "Gee, Colin never gave me this much trouble with XXX or ZZZ, why do you have to be so difficult?"

Do you truly, honestly, LIKE your kids even when they are hard???  And I'm not talking about having an off day.  I'm talking about when a child's entire PERSONALITY is hard, or challenging, or stubborn.

I'm not a bad person, or even a bad mother.  I just really do worry about stuff like this.  Thanks for being honest with me.

[KempsMama]

Originally Posted by Belia 

I would like to ask an honest question to those of you who have more than one child.  Particularly those of you whose children are very different in temperament and personality.  Like, if you have one child who would be considered easy, laid-back, easy-going, and another child who is more high needs, spirited, challenging.

So my question is.... do you truly love them both?  Wait... love is the wrong word.  I'm sure you love your kids.

I guess what I want to know is.... do you truly LIKE them both??  Even the more "difficult" child?  How?  WHY???

A little background in case you think I'm completely insane:

I have a 2-year-old who is the absolute light of my life.  He's a typical toddler, but in many ways he is and always has been very easy.  Great sleeper, great eater, easy-going, calm, smart.  It seems as though everyone I know who has had an "easy" baby has had a second who turns out to be a FIRECRACKER of a baby.  And the thought terrifies me.  I know how much my easy, laid-back child takes out of me on a daily basis, and I CANNOT IMAGINE how I would survive parenting two little people, especially if one were higher-needs.  Even your garden-variety "higher needs," like not a good sleeper, clingy, etc.

I could totally see myself resenting a "tougher" baby.... like, "Gee, Colin never gave me this much trouble with XXX or ZZZ, why do you have to be so difficult?"

Do you truly, honestly, LIKE your kids even when they are hard???  And I'm not talking about having an off day.  I'm talking about when a child's entire PERSONALITY is hard, or challenging, or stubborn.

I'm not a bad person, or even a bad mother.  I just really do worry about stuff like this.  Thanks for being honest with me.

My oldest was a walk in the park.  STTN at six weeks, nursed like a champ, very intelligent, funny, easy going kid that I love to spend time with.  My second, well, he's a high needs kid.  Nursed every 45 minutes around the clock for the first six months of his life, now it's down quite a bit, and since he's been mobile things have been a little easier.  But I still can't pee without him crying. 

I love them both. To pieces.  I squeeze them and snuggle them and wish I could hold them both at the same time without a wrestling match breaking out.  They love each other, they make each other laugh, and every time they smile at each other my heart feels like it could burst.   

Does my youngest frustrate me?  You betcha.  Do I wish he was as easy as my oldest? Every darn day.  But I wouldn't change it for the world.

[Storm Bride]

I love all my kids more than I can say.

DS2 was the easiest baby of the bunch, hands down. (He was the easiest baby I've ever personally seen, actually.) He's the most difficult kid of the bunch, hands down. He drives me completely nuts on a daily basis. I lose my temper with him, yell and him and just plain get fed up and frustrated all. the. freaking. time. But, yeah - I like him. He's a sweet, funny, quirky little guy and he adds a lot to my life. Sure - there are days that I wish he'd just listen to one thing I say - just one. There are days when I kind of wish I could park him with someone for a few hours - or a day - and just not have to deal with his...stuff. But, I like him. I like him a lot. He's a really, really neat kid. (And, I like the other three, too. I've been blessed with a great bunch of kids.)

[transylvania_mom]

I had my spirited ds before I had dd. I love them both more than anything, but differently. With ds I could never cuddle, even when nursing, as a baby, he would push me away. Now he won't let me hug him for more than a couple of seconds.

With dd, she wants to cuddle all day, just be next to me (ds would jump all over me at that age).

If anything, I find that I'm more preoccupied with ds because he's older and I'm on unchartered territory. I drive him to activities, I plan playdates. With dd I already know what I'm doing, nursing, co-sleeping, GD, plus she doesn't need playdates, she already has her brother.

You're not a bad mother, it's only natural to love your first so much you think you'll never be able to love anyone else just the same.

[EviesMom]

I think how much you like each kid varies day to day and age to age, and I don't think it's a problem. My first nursed like crazy, didn't sleep sound, and was clingy. Second I had early to bed and to rise (opposite of family schedules), sound sleep, and nice spaced nursings. For a while, I "liked" the cuddly newborn more than the big kid, who I still loved, but who was dealing with typical tantrum stage.

Then #2 got big enough to get into stuff, and he is a firecracker--early to walk, early to run, jump, climb. No fear. He's doing tantrum stage now. It's exhausting! Meanwhile #1 is old enough to do events, carry on real conversations... right now I "like" her better I think. Eh, two-three years old is my least favorite ages I think. Ask me when I've had a 12-13 year old though, might switch. 

I figure it'll fluxuate throughout life; who I'm more similar to; who I have more common interests with; who I spend more time with. S'okay. You can love them all but like one more for a little while. As long as it changes from time to time and doesn't become a permanent division of liked/unliked.

[grumpybear]

My DS (the older of the two) is your quintessential "perfect" kid. My friends always joke about which catalogue I ordered him from because he is just so easy, laid-back, funny, awesome, truly, truly AWESOME kid. DD, on the other hand, at her young age is feisty, stubborn and yes, more challenging. She is a certified button pusher. They are basically night and day.

I can honestly say that I do not love one more than the other. I am completely inlove with both.

And yes, I did wonder if it were possible for me to love another one as much as I love DS. Even shortly after DD was born.

[OSUvet]

Not sure that I have the experience you want to hear from, but my DS is only 4 months old. He has been high needs from day 1 and I am expecting that to continue. I get very little sleep when my friends are talking about their babies sleeping for six or eight hour stretches (some even breastfeed and co-sleep like us!). He was extremely colicky for the first 6 weeks, is now on medication for reflux, and I still can't eat corn, wheat, or dairy products plus several other things as long as I am breastfeeding.  He has a very intense personality - no fussing, he screams the instant he is hungry or wet or tired, but then smiles away as soon as those needs are met. He isn't the "easy" baby I'd kinda hoped for. BUT I still wonder how I could ever love another little being as much as I love him. But I know if I have a second child I will, because they will be my baby too (and hopefully a little "easier", lol). Anyway what Im trying to say is I think you just feel this way about your first child normally. 

[2xy]

DS1 is my difficult kid. Like, has been in-and-out-of-therapy-his-whole-life difficult. He's not a BAD person, hasn't ever done anything illegal or caused that sort of trouble....we're actually suspecting he may have a personality disorder, but that's another story. Anyway, he's funny and smart and friendly enough. I enjoy his company, and I DO like him as well as love him

DS2 has always been the apple of my eye. Not necessarily an easy baby....they were both needy but in different ways. DS1 was crabby while awake but slept like a rock. DS2 was a happy baby who never slept. But DS2 was one of those rainbows-and-sunshine kids who always had a smile and wanted to make others happy. Now he's approaching 16 and is not so much like that at the moment...lol....but still a good kid.

I think that there are times when people are being so difficult that you temporarily feel like you don't like them. I have had significantly more times like that in my relationship with DS1, but it doesn't mean I like him less, overall.

[Hannah32]

I have a little firecracker who will be a year soon. I love him to pieces, but I could do without the constant shrieking, the mini-tantrums, the random sleeping patterns (sometimes great, sometimes we're back to every 90 minutes), and the diaper change battles. 

That doesn't mean I'm not hoping that number 2 will be easier. In fact, I frequently make reference to this wish to myself, dh, family, friends and the little firecracker himself, though I doubt he knows what I'm talking about. 

[les_oiseau]

I think this is a valid thing to worry about.... my 4yo is pretty easy, always has been. My 2yo is pretty stubborn, spirited, challenging, although she was a really easy baby, she is becoming much more challenging as time goes by.

IMO it seems like the "colin never gave me this much trouble" might be something common when dealing with a challenging baby.. but I do think as they grow and you get to know the baby moreand their personality comes out, it would be easy to let go of that.

Also, being a mom in general cause us to change, being a mom of two you have to allow yourself to change even more, and with a challenging child, you learn and grow as a person in such a way that you are able to mother them.

just my two cents

[mamazee]

I have an older very high needs daughter. Well, she's 9 now so intense and dramatic but 9 year olds aren't the same, and I don't know if "high needs" is applicable anymore. Anyway, I was afraid to have another child, I had such a rough time the first few years of her life, but I eventually changed my mind and when she was 7 had another daughter. A chill, laid back, quiet. perpetually happy daughter. And I adore my little one, but I still also adore my older one. They are both incredibly special to me.

[SuburbanHippie]

I remember crying during the labor with my 2nd child thinking "How can I possibly love anyone as much as DS?"  I think back on it and chuckle to myself.  You can love so many people in different ways.  I loved my DS because he was so spunky and fun.  He was always on the go.  I loved my DD because she was laid back and cautious.  We still call her "The Observer" as she always needs to watch things going on before she will join in.

My next 2 kids were a heck of a lot more difficult although my 5 yo DD is starting to become easier to deal with.  My 3 yo DS is the one that is giving me gray hairs.  He's less of a firecracker and more of a ticking time bomb.  His mood swings are incredible.  He can be so happy one minute and the next minute having a complete meltdown.  Even though this two kids have been way more trouble than the first two I still love them and like them.  Their personalities are just different than their siblings and while it makes punishing them difficult (because we can't use the same method for everyone), I can't imagine them being any other way than the way they are.  They each have their own unique quirks that make them so special to us. 

[ameliabedelia]

All three of my kids have gone through ages and stages where they were harder/easier.  My oldest was an easy baby..right up until age 2.  Ages 2 and 3 were quite difficult..by age 4 she was back to being easy/laid back etc.  My middle child was a colicky high-needs baby,  however she was an easy toddler..from ages 1-3 or so...then ages 3-5 were quite difficult with her. At 6, she's back to being fairly easy to deal with.  My youngest was pretty easy as a baby, very intense, destructive as a toddler and now that he is three, he's a lot easier to deal with.

They are all different little people and I love them all for their unique personalities.  They all have different strengths and weaknesses, but that is just part of their charm. ;)  In any given moment, I might *like* one child more than the other, but that is just a fleeting moment, depending on who is acting out and who is listening. ;) 

[Just1More]

I have 4 kids.  I think I like and love them all equally.  Maybe not all at the same time, but evened out, yep.  Sometimes one of them has a better relationship with me, and I notice I tend to gravitate toward that one more.  No more different than if you moved and met a new friend in a new town, you would still love and cherish your best friend from your old town, but might not call them everyday anymore.  Does that make sense?  When I start to notice that happening, though, I see the others needing more Mama time, and it balances out.  There isn't one of them who, overall, gets more of my attention.  Well, the baby probably, but they all got that when THEY were they baby.

The one thing I would caution a new mama of a HN baby about, though...because ds sure was hard, is that I was so AP that I didn't resent HIM, I resented dd for needing things, too.  And I felt this terrible guilt that made it all so much worse.  So...be prepared for that it could be hard, and it could temporarily put a damper on your love for your first.  I think, though, if someone told me that could happen, it wouldn't have.  It just totally caught me off guard. 

Here's the thing.  Life is hard, and relationships are hard.  I'm learning that, as my kids grow, it's not enough that I am just their mama.  A great relationship with them takes work, just like it does with anyone else who is important to you.  The more practice I have with more children, the better I get at developing a better relationship with ALL of them, and the better I am at teaching them to do the same. 

It might be hard....but it is TOTALLY, ABSOLUTELY worth it.  Almost always, a journey is. :)

[LynnS6]

Both of my kids have gone through periods where they're more/less difficult. Both my kids were 'easy' babies. The differences started to emerge as they got to be 2-3. My older child is 'easier' in many ways -- he's more laid back, not as intense. But he's also not as expressive. I'm pretty sure he loves me, but he's never said it. Dd wears her heart on her sleeve. When she's happy, she's exuberant. When she's sad, she's in despair.

Right now, ds is 9 and I'm finding him easier than dd. On the other hand, dd is also a lot of fun. Life is never dull. I worry about ds more too, because he's got a few quirks that make him stand out a bit more. And alas, I can see myself being closer to dd than to ds when they are adults because ds is so reserved I'm never sure what's going on with him.

[Bokonon]

Originally Posted by EviesMom 

I think how much you like each kid varies day to day and age to age, and I don't think it's a problem. 

I completely agree with this. 

My first was a pretty easy baby.  My second is high needs.  I love them both, more than anything.  But now that the older one is 6 and has an attitude and is with me allllll the time (out of school and no babysitter), there are some days where I really don't even want to be around him.  That doesn't change the fact that I love and adore him and would do anything for him.

I'm a mother, but I'm still human, and still get annoyed by people for certain aspects of their personalities that don't mesh with mine.

[crunchy_mommy]

First, I have multiple friends who have had 2+ normal/easy kids... so getting a tough one is NOT inevitable!!

Second, as the mom of a super high-needs boy, although I only have 1 kid, I can tell you I think he is the most amazing little person in the world, and I do *like* him very much (and of course *love* him to death!!!) Sometimes I don't like being a mom. Sometimes I don't like being HIS mom. But I like him so, so much. He is incredible. For every 'high needs' trait he has, he also has a million super lovable traits too. And because he is so high-needs, we have been through so much together, and I think he & I have developed such a strong connection. It's not only the mother/child bond, but the kind of bond you develop when you've been to hell & back with someone. He makes me laugh. He makes me cry. He makes my heart melt. He makes me run away & hide. He makes me a better person. And he is just such a cool little kid, he is so clever, so creative, so intuitive... I like him very, very much.

[Belia]

Oh crunchy_mommy, your post just made me !!!!

That is exactly what I needed to hear.  Many of you have told me what I need to hear- basically, that they're worth it even when they're being little sh**s.  

Thank you so much for being so honest with me, and for not flaming me for even asking the question in the first place.

[skreader]

I thought my first baby was a a bit hard, but then I had my second one!  It was rough. In many ways since then (they are now in their teens) the older one has been "easier" but I love them both intensely.  I love their character differences and the way they express themselves. I also like them both as people.

It may sound strange, but it's kind of like music. I love Telemann, Scarlatti, and Purcell, but I also love Bluegrass, and R&B, and Ragtime.  My love for (liking) for one type of music does not reduce my enjoyment for another. There are times I find it easier to listen to one than another, but I enjoy and appreciate them all.

[konayossie]

I only have one child, but he's very high needs, and I have the same fear that you have--I'm pregnant with #2 and wonder how I can love another child as much as I do DS. So I think you're probably going to be OK. Yes, DS is a trial, but I don't just love him, I really adore him and always have, even when he was at his most difficult stage (his infancy was just miserable--I believe I described it as hell on multiple occasions). I do fear having a second one with HN, but not because I don't love/like DS1--I just fear the constant screaming/no sleep/etc.