STBX broke into my house, what would you do?

[guest123456]

My 4 1/2 mo DS and I were asleep when I heard a loud noise at 4:30 this morning. Scared me pretty badly and told me he urgently needed to talk to me. I told him that if he came over again, I'd call 911. That made him pretty mad... Somehow he thinks it's normal behavior to break into my house in the middle of the night? He accused me of cheating while we were together and threatened "whoever I was with." this is all crazy talk, I'm starting to worry about his psychological state. he also admitted to hacking my email, Facebook and cell phone to check my messages. He finally left half an hour later after a heated argument.

I filed a police report today, and I'm so jumpy. Every time I hear a noise I go on high alert.

What would you do? If I get a restraining order, would he get visitation? Would love insight or advice! TIA.

[bananabee]

I love my dog. He bites intruders.

[fiona2359]

How did he get in? I'd fix that up, put a secondary lock on the doors (even just one of those slider things) high or low enough that if he breaks a window he can't reach it. Make sure the windows are closed and locked at night. And if you hear him trying to get in call the police right away, don't talk to him.

It isn't normal at all to break into someone's house at 4:30am, for any reason.

[StephandOwen]

File a restraining order for both you and your son. No sane person breaks into another persons house at 4:30 in the morning (or anytime, really).

[CrazyCatLady]

Jump on this opportunity now to file for a restraining order (for you and your son) and full custody.  It's good that you have the police report.  Your ex could get visitation.  In my state though, that only happens after mediation and a bunch of other time consuming things.  All that time will give you ex more time to mess up and give you a better shot at full custody (if appropriate).  So get the restraining order and in the mean time report anything like this that your ex does to you. 

Do you have a free legal help place at your court house or anything like that to make this all easier for you to do/understand?

[guest123456]

Thanks for your replies! Love the dog idea. It was really scary; I guess I was still trying to rationalize it and make everything "normal." It's too late for that now. I think he stole a key this last Wednesday when I let him in the house; he kept ringing the doorbell then eventually came around into the backyard and was looking thru the windows!

I'll change the locks today and get a restraining order for us Monday morning. I bet there is a place in the courthouse that can tell me what to do re: custody... We have never been married but we are both on the birth certificate.

If you've been through this, I would appreciate any advice. This is escalating so quickly... When a restraining order is filed, do you have to face the respondent in court? I don't know anything about custody filings, how does it work? This might all be dependent on local laws but if there's BTDT advice, it would be really appreciated also, I need moral support. This sucks!!!! Thanks mamas.

[mimim]

Originally Posted by MegaBerry 

I'm starting to worry about his psychological state. he also admitted to hacking my email, Facebook and cell phone to check my messages.

In this case, I would assume he's reading what you post on this forum as well.

[*MamaJen*]

Yeesh. Given the information that you shared in your other thread, I'm not surprised that he's escalating to threatening/stalking behaviors. Please do follow up on that police report, and please do change the locks and take steps to secure your house. Restraining orders can help, by showing that you're serious, or they can actually make things more dangerous. If a guy wants to hurt you, a restraining order is not going to be the thing that stops him.

In general, the single most dangerous time during an abusive relationship is right after the breakup. I don't want to sound alarmist, but he's doing things that could indicate that you could be in physical danger. The threatening is worrisome, and the stalking is worrisome. Please talk to the police about steps that you can take to protect yourself.

Please, if you do nothing else, read "Why Does he Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. Also, it would be great to read "The Gift of Fear."

Listen to that instinctive voice within yourself. You were with him for 8 years, right? In that time, he's probably worked systematically to sort of disable your sensors that tell you when things are wrong. Please, try to reconnect with that gut instinct that works to protect you and alert you. Don't shove vague worries aside. Listen to them and figure out what your gut is trying to tell you. If you feel like you're in real danger, consider taking steps to stay in a safe place for a while.

I'm also attaching a list of resources we've compiled over on the surviving abuse forum. I know I sound like a freaking broken record, but seriously, I've seen this over and over, the more information and understanding you have of the dynamics of abuse, the better chance you have of escaping in one piece. Abusers are insanely similar. It's so bizarre. Our standing joke is that they all read the same manual.

ETA: I would also strongly suggest that you reach out to your local domestic violence hotline or shelter. They can share some information and resources with you as well. They often have free counseling and other resources as well.

Books
Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, by Lundy Bancroft
The Gift of Fear, by Gavin de Becker
Women Who Love Too Much, by Robin Norwood
Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie
The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to recognize it and how to respond, by Patricia Evans
Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship, by Mira Kirshenbaum
The Emotionally Abused Woman : Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself, by Beverly Engel
The Sociopath Next Door, by Martha Stout
Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life, by Susan Forward
It's My Life Now: Starting Over After an Abusive Relationship or Domestic Violence, by Meg Kennedy Dugan

Websites
youarenotcrazy.com
http://www.ndvh.org/ -- National Domestic Violence Hotline website
EQI -- Emotional Abuse
Symptoms of Emotional Abuse
Signs of Abusive Relationships
Emotional Abuse Quiz
DomesticViolence.org
BPD Central -- resources about Borderline Personality Disorder
Love Fraud -- resources about sociopaths
Leaving Abuse
National Institute of Mental Health post-traumatic stress disorder site
The Survivor Manual -- Inspiring and Empowering Survivors to Lead Joyful Lives

Articles
Love and Stockholm Syndrome: the Mystery of Loving an Abuser
Warning Signs that You're Dating a Loser
Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder
Breaking Up With a Borderline
Narcissist or Sociopath? What's the Difference?
"After the Sociopath", a guide to taking back our lives from LoveFraud.com.
For Abused Women, Leaving is a Complex and Confusing Process

Hotlines
National Domestic Violence Hotline -- 1.800.799.SAFE
List of state hotlines

Other
Mosaic -- An online risk assessment tool for domestic violence, by Gavin de Becker
Searching for Angela Shelton, video streamed on hulu.com

Abuse 101
Red flags that you're in an abusive relationship
Gaslighting -- how abusers convince you that you're crazy
The cycle of abuse -- don't confuse the honeymoon stage with real change
Power and Control Wheel -- The elements of abuse
How brainwashing works -- At its core, abuse is just a form of brainwashing

[*MamaJen*]

Also, take this quiz: http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/MOSAIC-Gavin-de-Beckers-Online-Threat-Assessment-Tool

It's a risk assessment tool for domestic violence escalation. Ignore the fact that the link is from Oprah -- Gavin de Becker is actually a great resource about DV. And even if he's never technically hit you before, if your ex is breaking and entering, stalking and threatening, then you are without a doubt in the world and psychology of domestic violence.

As far as the specifics of the restraining order, what state are you in?

[Super~Single~Mama]

I would delete your posts ASAP (on this thread, and any other thread that has personal info), and go to the Family court in your city/town FIRST THING Monday morning.  Your ds can go with you.  At the family court (get there 20minutes before the doors open so that you are first in line - that place is BUSY, if you can, print the form for a restraining order off the internet - pm me with questions) file for a restaining order, or an order of protection (different places call them different things).

Also, in most states it is legal to record conversations (check online - google eavesdropping laws for your state) as long as you are part of the conversation.  Find out if this is true in your state and tape record everything when you are with him.  Everything.  Definitely change the locks!!!  Definitely.  Don't wait - do it ASAP, and get a deadbolt, plus one of those chain things, and like a pp said put it either low enough or high enough that he won't be able to break a window.

Dogs are good too, but the best indicator at my parents house when something doesn't feel right is their cat.  He's terrified of everything - even things he shouldn't be afraid of - so if he's wandering the house everythings fine (my mom gets jumpy sometimes for no reason).

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by *MamaJen* 

Also, take this quiz: http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/MOSAIC-Gavin-de-Beckers-Online-Threat-Assessment-Tool

It's a risk assessment tool for domestic violence escalation. Ignore the fact that the link is from Oprah -- Gavin de Becker is actually a great resource about DV. And even if he's never technically hit you before, if your ex is breaking and entering, stalking and threatening, then you are without a doubt in the world and psychology of domestic violence.

As far as the specifics of the restraining order, what state are you in?

Please don't post your location on this board, and take the pic of your beautiful son off your avatar!!  You don't want him to be able to figure out who you are on here, if he hasn't already.

[guest123456]

Thank you so much for the posts and advice mamas. Had to call 911 the other day and getting a restraining order. Deleting this post and getting a new guest account. Really appreciate your help and validation!

[ZoeyZoo]

You might have already done this but some cities have police units specifically for domestic violence. At mine you can file police reports, get an RO, and depending on your income can get legal and physiological help. At the very least the police can explain the process of doing certain things like the RO.

I second the links from MamaJen.

After you get your guest account please feel free to post or talk to someone IRL whenever anything occurs like this. It's really hard to determine what is normal after living with someone like this or having them in your life for a period of time. Just be careful not to give any identifying information in case he decides to check here. In the past I have been in a similar situation and it was really valuable for me to get feedback on what was normal behavior.

[Mama Soltera]

I have been there too. Breaking in. Hacking into all my accounts. Stalking me. You NEED to get a restraining order and have ZERO contact with this man. Protect yourself. If his behavior escalates (and this kind of behavior usually does) you may need to stay in a Domestic Violence women's safe house for a few weeks. Do what you need to do to stay safe.

I also have a large dog. It's a great idea!

Best of luck. I'm so sad whenever I find out about someone else having to go through this. It is very scary. I got some serious PTSD from the whol ordeal. Be kind to yourself.

[pranamama]

ggod advice has been given,   now call your local dv agency,   ask what services they offer

[Goodmom2008]

Next time (and there will be a next time), call the cops.  Don't talk to him. 

[Phoenix~Mama]

I had an EX that attempted to break into my apartment and stalked me.  Not my kids father, thank God.

But... in this state/area... when I filed a police report, I was immediately taken to the on call judge to get an emergency protection from abuse... then the next day I had to file for the real deal.  Yes, I had to go to court, and yes my ex was there... BUT!  I was also not alone, as the domestic violence people met me there and stayed with me the whole time.

When I left my kids' Dad... I went and filed a police report because he threatened bodily harm to me.  I filed for threat of domestic violence and I had the option to get a protection order for myself and my daughter (was pregnant with son at time)... I stupidily chose not to file for that... but anyway... point is, the option to add kids to a protection from abuse during a police report makes it pretty easy to add them on.

In your case where the guy is breaking in and doing very mentally unstable things... get the order.  Call your local domestic violence hotline and they can help you further.  The cops should be giving you this number.

[Mama Soltera]

I wanted to second getting your child(ren) put on the restraining order. Men like that will use children to get back at you. I hate to say it, but it's important to protect your child too. I think maybe you said you have a young baby only? If you do have an older child though, definitely explain to them if they are at schoo/daycare etc. or if he shows up at the house to never go with him anywhere. I hope you are doing okay. This is not easy stuff to deal with.