Annoyed with MIL. Am I wrong? WWYD? (long)

[Snowflake777]

I'm going to preface this by saying that MIL is great in many ways and we have a fairly good relationship overall. However, she is perhaps the least flexible person I know, and it's driving me crazy.

Here's my issue: I'm due to have a baby any day now (39w4d pregnant). The plan has always been that MIL and/or BIL would look after DD (3y.o.) while I was in labor. (MIL & BIL live together.)

DD has never slept the night at MIL's house (or anyone else's house for that matter). We tried a few weeks back, but it ended with DD crying hysterically and threatening to walk home by herself. She came back at midnight with a tear-stained face. 

We were going to try again with better preparation, but due to various illnesses we haven't had the opportunity. Maybe we should have been more organised and done this months ago, but to be honest it never felt like a big priority to me because I figured MIL could sleep at our house if DD wasn't comfortable sleeping at hers. Anyway, the point is that DD is not used to sleeping away from home and that's unlikely to change within the next few days.

Now I'm due any day and thought MIL would just come and sleep with DD at our house if DH & I are gone overnight. It's going to be stressful enough for DD as it is, and I'd like to minimise that as much as possible.

However, MIL doesn't want to do this. She doesn't like the idea of not sleeping in her own bed. I get that (I don't like sleeping in other peoples' beds either!), but am I wrong for thinking it wouldn't kill her to suck it up for this one night of her life? It's not like I want to go out to an all-night rave, I'm giving birth to her 2nd grandchild. Is her comfort really more important than DD's in this one case?

I told DH how I felt about this, and he was kind of evasive but basically said that we're trusting MIL to look after DD and that we should just let her do that however works best for her, even if that means that DD will be upset.

What do you guys think? Is DH right? Am I unjustified in wanting to dictate how DD is taken care of the night her sister is being born? I just hate the idea of being at the birthing centre knowing that DD is likely to be distraught.

Should I put my foot down on this one, or just be grateful that MIL is willing to do it and let it go? WWYD?

[sosurreal09]

First and foremost it is DH who needs to step up to the plate here. I would be upset too b/c obviously if it didn't work out last time I don't see why she wouldn't want to just do it at your place. It is a rock and a hard place though b/c she is being just soooooo generous for taking her own granddaughter overnight Unfortunately we have to take people at face value. Is there anyone else who would watch her at your place? I would just have DH say "sorry mom but we only feel comfortable having DD here for the night so xyz is going to be helping us out instead"

The other thing is MIL may be thinking DD just needs to get over it. You know like how people can be with a baby "well just leave her hear and if she cries she cries" them thinking the end result will be the child will calm down and then somehow have a new amazing bond with them or something....

Anyways they let you stay the night at your birth center? At my birth center you had to be gone within 5hrs...(they only had 3 rooms and figured it was best for you to just go home anyways)

If you end up having a fast uneventful labor I would want to just go home anyways. DH could swing by and grab DD and you can start babymooning!

Congratulations!

[Snowflake777]

Originally Posted by sosurreal09 

First and foremost it is DH who needs to step up to the plate here. I would be upset too b/c obviously if it didn't work out last time I don't see why she wouldn't want to just do it at your place. It is a rock and a hard place though b/c she is being just soooooo generous for taking her own granddaughter overnight Unfortunately we have to take people at face value. Is there anyone else who would watch her at your place? I would just have DH say "sorry mom but we only feel comfortable having DD here for the night so xyz is going to be helping us out instead"

The other thing is MIL may be thinking DD just needs to get over it. You know like how people can be with a baby "well just leave her hear and if she cries she cries" them thinking the end result will be the child will calm down and then somehow have a new amazing bond with them or something....

Anyways they let you stay the night at your birth center? At my birth center you had to be gone within 5hrs...(they only had 3 rooms and figured it was best for you to just go home anyways)

If you end up having a fast uneventful labor I would want to just go home anyways. DH could swing by and grab DD and you can start babymooning!

Congratulations!

To answer a few questions (which I would have put in my first post, but it was already so long!):

1) We could probably convince another relative to watch DD at our house. FIL, Step-MIL and SIL would probably all be willing. The only thing is that DD isn't as used to them as she is to MIL, which is why we asked her in the first place. Still, it's an option.

2) Yes, we can stay the night at the birthing centre. Not for long, but if I arrive at 3pm, give birth at 8pm, they're not going to kick me out! Also, siblings are not allowed to be present for the birth, so we can't take DD with us.

3) MIL probably does think DD needs to get over it. To be honest, I probably wouldn't mind as much if this were anything else, but I don't want DD to be miserable the night her sister is being born. It's not like we can come & get her if she's hysterical. I also REALLY don't want her to associate the new baby with her being taken from her home and forced to do something she's not ok with.

4) I hope I have a fast & easy labor too! Maybe we won't even need to be there at night. I have to cover our bases though, especially seeing as my last labour was 24 hours.

[sosurreal09]

Of course you need to cover your bases. I did do an *eye roll* about forcing DD to stay at MILs in case you missed it I do not think it is ok to force her into it.

Well if MIL is not going to co-operate I would get someone else to do it at your place (that may make her change her mind anyway) I just saw your DD is only 3 I wouldn't even expect her to be able to "hold it together" overnight away from home and her parents.

*I* would have someone willing to sleep at your home watch her and if at all possible would just go home after labor. Even if DD is less used to the other person she will at least be on her own turf and if anything for comfort could sleep in your bed (if you normally don't bed share).

[lolar2]

At least now you know where your DD gets her aversion to staying the night away from home!

[tbone_kneegrabber]

You need someone who is willing to come to your house purely for logistical reasons. If you need to leave for the birth center at midnight you don't want to have to wake up dd, get her dressed, get her in the car, drive to someone's house, get her settled there etc!!!

[Snowflake777]

Originally Posted by sosurreal09 

Of course you need to cover your bases. I did do an *eye roll* about forcing DD to stay at MILs in case you missed it I do not think it is ok to force her into it.

No no, I wasn't meaning to be snarky! It wasn't a sarcastic wink. I liked your post and totally got what you meant.

I was kind of answering your questions addressed to everyone, seeing as they're relevant and add detail that I didn't include in the first post.

[D_McG]

It sounds like you're kind of stuck.  I'd be annoyed at her inflexibility but I wouldn't have done a trial to begin with.  I felt like if it went badly (the way it did with your DD) then you're setting her up for disappointment with you CAN'T 'rescue' her the next time.  And reinforcing the fear by rescuing her.  And if you don't rescue her then it seems kind of pointless.

So, I think your husband is onto something when he says that you should just trust them.  And what I said to myself when I left my son was 'even if he cries ALL NIGHT LONG it's just one night'.  Now, I knew he wouldn't cry all night (in fact, I had my DD in the day and I sent DH home that night) but I had to learn to take a step back and trust them to the caregiver so I could focus 100% on the birth.  That was the right approach for us.  

[sosurreal09]

I didn't think that you were I genuinely thought you may have missed that!

Originally Posted by Snowflake777 

No no, I wasn't meaning to be snarky! It wasn't a sarcastic wink. I liked your post and totally got what you meant.

I was kind of answering your questions addressed to everyone, seeing as they're relevant and add detail that I didn't include in the first post.

 

I have no clue how to multiquote...

*I* would not leave my 3 y/o to scream and cry at someone else's house. For some people that may be an option for me it would not be.

[Smithie]

"You need someone who is willing to come to your house purely for logistical reasons."

This. A good plan might be to drop off your DD with MIL if you go into labor during the day, and have a friend on call who is willing to come over if you go into labor in the evening or the middle of the night. 

When I was just about as pregnant as you are now, I got irritated as HELL with my MIL because she wouldn't take my DS to his occupational therapy session that was scheduled the day of my induction. I felt like it was such a small thing to ask, when I was going off to push her next grandchild out! But since I was super-pregnant and hypersensitive, I sort of lost sight of how much she truly hates driving into the city. Once my hormones subsided, I realized I had been unreasonably fixated on getting DS to that appointment when it did him absolutely no harm to skip it. I'm sorry I asked her to do something that made her so uncomfortable. But OTOH, I think vastly pregnant people should get everything they want, and if my own daughter or DIL someday asks me to do something I'm really uncomfortable with while she's in the hospital having my grandchild, you can bet your boots that I will do it. I will feed her pet python, drive her older kid to his Young Republicans meeting, whatever, puree and encapsulate her placenta, whatever. 

So that's what you can gain from this - an important insight that will help you help your own daughter someday. But for now, I'd just let your DH coordinate a daytime plan and a nighttime plan, trust him to handle his mother, and try to let go of your irritation and focus on the birth. 

[Super~Single~Mama]

I'd get someone else you trust to babysit at your house.  It sounds easier, and then maybe grandma will be more flexible next time when she realizes she's dispensable. 

As far as birth centers making you leave in 5 hours, at mine the max was 12 hours, but I tore so badly and lost so much blood (I wasn't in danger, just needed LOTS of rest) they kept me for 24 hours, and then sent me home.  It helped that no one else went into labor during that time, but they were amazing.

[Snowflake777]

The thing is, even though we do have other people who could come to our house, MIL is the only person besides DH & I who has ever put DD to bed. DD is way more used to her than she is to our back-up choices. The only way I can guarantee DD won't be distraught is if MIL sleeps at our house.

Originally Posted by tbone_kneegrabber 

You need someone who is willing to come to your house purely for logistical reasons. If you need to leave for the birth center at midnight you don't want to have to wake up dd, get her dressed, get her in the car, drive to someone's house, get her settled there etc!!!

That's a good point! Even if I *might* be able to agree to let MIL take DD to her house in the evening, there's no way that's going to happen if I realise I'm in labour at midnight, and need to go to the birthing centre at 3am. So I need to tell DH that MIL needs to be prepared for that possibility.

Originally Posted by D_McG 

It sounds like you're kind of stuck.  I'd be annoyed at her inflexibility but I wouldn't have done a trial to begin with.  I felt like if it went badly (the way it did with your DD) then you're setting her up for disappointment with you CAN'T 'rescue' her the next time.  And reinforcing the fear by rescuing her.  And if you don't rescue her then it seems kind of pointless.

So, I think your husband is onto something when he says that you should just trust them.  And what I said to myself when I left my son was 'even if he cries ALL NIGHT LONG it's just one night'.  Now, I knew he wouldn't cry all night (in fact, I had my DD in the day and I sent DH home that night) but I had to learn to take a step back and trust them to the caregiver so I could focus 100% on the birth.  That was the right approach for us.  

Well, for me the trial was more a case of "Let's see if this works. If it does, great! If it doesn't, well then MIL can come here." But now even though the first time went horribly, MIL is still wanting to persist.

Incidentally, we have no other need for DD to be comfortable doing overnights outside of home. I just need it this one time.
 

Originally Posted by Smithie 
But OTOH, I think vastly pregnant people should get everything they want, and if my own daughter or DIL someday asks me to do something I'm really uncomfortable with while she's in the hospital having my grandchild, you can bet your boots that I will do it. I will feed her pet python, drive her older kid to his Young Republicans meeting, whatever, puree and encapsulate her placenta, whatever.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Your dd is 3.  She might be distraught anyway.  She will survive one night of being put to bed by someone who hasn't ever done it before.  Heck, if your BIL or SIL does it, who's  to say she goes to bed on time anyway?  Whenever my brother babysits he puts the kids to bed when they fall asleep - no getting distraught, they just don't go to bed on time.  She will be fine - you need to know that she is safe, with someone who loves her, in her home that she is comfortable in.
 

Originally Posted by Snowflake777 

The thing is, even though we do have other people who could come to our house, MIL is the only person besides DH & I who has ever put DD to bed. DD is way more used to her than she is to our back-up choices. The only way I can guarantee DD won't be distraught is if MIL sleeps at our house.

[Adaline'sMama]

I would ask MIL to watch DD during the day, have her bring her to the hospital to see her daddy for a minute and have a friend or babysitter take her back to your house for bedtime. MIL is being ridiculous and controlling.

The last thing you need to worry about when you are giving birth is whether or not your DD is bawling her eyes out.

[Snowflake777]

Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama 

Your dd is 3.  She might be distraught anyway.  She will survive one night of being put to bed by someone who hasn't ever done it before.  Heck, if your BIL or SIL does it, who's  to say she goes to bed on time anyway?  Whenever my brother babysits he puts the kids to bed when they fall asleep - no getting distraught, they just don't go to bed on time.  She will be fine - you need to know that she is safe, with someone who loves her, in her home that she is comfortable in.
 

Of course she'll survive, but MIL is 62 and will also survive a night outside her own bed. I couldn't care less what time she goes to sleep, I just don't want to wake her up & drag her out of bed at 3am.

[swd12422]

Wait, a grown woman doesn't "like to" sleep in a strange bed, but she is expecting to override a 3-year-old's same fear/discomfort to avoid having it herself? Hello, selfish! At least at 62 she can understand WHY she is in a strange bed and deal with it. A 3-year-old who has never slept away from home, not so much.

Tell her that if she wants to see the newbie "right away," the best way is to take care of your DD at YOUR house, so they will be able to be there when you get home, whatever time of day or night that might be. If MIL doesn't want to spend the night, maybe she could do bedtime at your house, and once DD is asleep she can go home and a neighbor/babysitter/friend/caring relative can spend the rest of the night?

[ewe+lamb]

If MIL isn't willing to come over to your place I would sincerely think about getting someone else over, this sort of happened to us at the birth of DS, we had alot of traumatic events surrounding the birth, and DD ended up staying the night with an aunt of my DH whom she knew, it was a disaster - they left her to cry for hours on end - goodness I still can't believe that it happened!, even now at 8 nearly 9 she will not consider going to sleep at someone else's place - not saying that your MIL is going to leave your dd to cry but boy if at least you knew that she would sleep better in her own bed with all the comforts and smells around her it would be so much better.  sorry not to be more positive to you - really I am, but if I had to go through it all again i would definitely do it differently.  Good luck, wonderful birthing vibes to you and happy babymoon!

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by Snowflake777 

Of course she'll survive, but MIL is 62 and will also survive a night outside her own bed. I couldn't care less what time she goes to sleep, I just don't want to wake her up & drag her out of bed at 3am.

Then get someone else.  MIL is showing her true colors, so find someone else, and when MIL realizes that she's dispensable she might change her mind.  And of course you don't want to drag your dd out of bed at 3am - who would?  If MIL won't come to you, find someone who will.
 

[ollyoxenfree]

Scenario 1: You are in labour and leave for the birthing centre before your DD goes to bed

- MIL comes to your house and stays with DD until she is in bed asleep. 

- Back-up night-time sitter comes to your house. MIL goes home to get a good night's sleep in her own bed, Back-up sitter stays until you return home.

I think the only problem with this scenario is if your DD is prone to waking in the middle of the night, and would be upset to find MIL wasn't there. It's a little more complicated to arrange 2 caregivers for the same night. It gets around your DD's and your MIL's issues though. 

Scenario 2: You go into labour in the middle of the night, after your DD is already asleep

- Call you back-up/alternative person to stay with DD. 

In either scenario, if you think that in the morning, your DD will be upset to wake up without MIL in the house, ask MIL to come back/come over (depending on whether it's scenario 1 or 2) early in the morning.  

Best wishes with the birth! 

[Belia]

I know that MIL is your preferred caregiver, but I agree with the PPs who say that your MIL is showing her true colors here.

I would tell your MIL, "Thanks, but no thanks." and call in one of your other caregivers.