Moms with one *high needs* twin and the other is not...the guilt?

[Strong Mama]

One of my twins came out screaming like she was dying. This was A. A is still very sensitive, needs to be held ALOT, and screams a LOT.

One of my twins came out with one eye cocked opne like oh, this is birth, cool dude. This was B. B is very mellow, rarely cries and is a very easy baby so to speak.

Because of this, A gets about 90% of mommytime. B just doesn't seem to care, but I FEEL so bad for B.

Moms who had/have this problem, how do you cope with the guilt of not spending as much time with one twin because the other needs so much more?

[f&p'smama]

My twins were like that, too.  I can relate to the guilt.  Everyone told me it would even out eventually and I didn't believe them.  And it didn't.  For years.  But eventually things switched and my higher needs little one became my easiest.  I had a singleton 2-1/2 years after my twins and seriously mellow twin plus baby were easier than my higher needs girl.

I did a lot of self-talk about how I was giving each of them what they needed and I held mellow baby whenever my husband or mother were around.  

Six years later, I honestly don't feel like I did any harm by relying on mellow baby's general happiness and mellow nature while comforting, holding, etc, her sister.  And they love stories about what a grumpy baby high needs baby was and how happy mellow baby was.  They think it's hilarious.

Hugs mama!  You're doing the best you can and that's all you can do.  I honestly think having a twin is a gift and maybe getting less mama attention than you would of if you'd been born a singleton is a price worth paying for having a twin.  The bond between my girls is amazing.

[Shuli]

Yeah, my pair were like that also. I had one that would fall asleep by himself if you put him in his crib awake and he'd talk himself to sleep and one who would cry for 45 minutes while being held until he passed out. Whenever I could I would play with A, the more mellow one and hold him and explain to B that even though he was crying/grumpy/whatever, it was A's turn to be held. B cried, but he was right next to me and mostly holding on to my skirt or within my eyeline so I think he was just mad more than anything else. As time went on, I find that B is more able to go out into the world by himself and A won't even go downstairs to the main floor by himself. A is definately more insecure about the world and cautious about experiences. I chalk this up to somewhat personality, somewhat spending a lot of time by himself as an infant playing next to me while I held his screeming brother. I am trying to balance it out now and I take A with me on special trips to the grocery store and play with him more and build up his self esteem. It doesn't help that his brother thinks that he is turning 7, not 4 and can do a lot more than he can, but I see it balancing out now.

Don't worry so much now, but I remember thinking to myself when I found out about them is that sometimes, one baby just has to cry. As long as he is not in danger, you can see him and he can see you, I think it is more anger/upset than anything else.

Good luck and we who have BTDT are here for you.

[Smurfette2]

OMG - I was literally just talking about this last night with my mom! I have one twin that will only fall asleep while nursing. If DH bottle feeds her, she thinks it's playtime. The other twin is so low maintainence and mellow. It is literally like having two different babies in the house. Sophia makes me carry her everywhere or one of us has to be in her sightline. 

I just feel like I'm not getting enough time with Grace because Sophia is so needy. And she's such a busybody. She wants to be out and about looking at everyone and involved in everyone's business. But when guests come over, oh no... they're only allowed to hold Grace. She dies if anyone outside of our family holds her. And Sophia's learned to grab things so I have to watch her constantly. She even grabs Grace's hands when they're lying side by side.

I don't know. I have a silly billy - glad to see I'm not alone.

[Strong Mama]

Thanks for the replies and WOW smurfette my A is the same!! She is such a busybody, grabbing everything and everyone, needs to be on the move constantly, etc. B just likes to kinda lay there and watch life pass her by. They have both been extremely fussy the last few days, im th inking growth spurt or teeth.

[Red Pajama]

Fair is not equal. Give what each one needs, and at least in my experience, they take turns being "neediest".

[Smurfette2]

Originally Posted by Strong Mama 

Thanks for the replies and WOW smurfette my A is the same!! She is such a busybody, grabbing everything and everyone, needs to be on the move constantly, etc. B just likes to kinda lay there and watch life pass her by. They have both been extremely fussy the last few days, im th inking growth spurt or teeth.

We're definitely having a growth spurt. Not only that but now that the sun comes up earlier, it affects their sleep. For the past 12 days, our twins have been eating hungrily, we even ditched the 4oz bottles. DH (on the advice of my mom) let the girls suck on his finger that was dipped in squash and now they can't get enough. I know they're not ready for solids yet but they like real food. I finally moved the high chair up a notch so they're not totally reclined and that was a big to-do at our house today. LOL. We celebrate the most minute milestones because they were preemies. It's funny because my Busybody is Baby A too. Little Miss Mellow is Baby B. I wonder if there's a correlation? Baby A was also the aggressor during my pregnancy too.
 

[Strong Mama]

My twins have been eating food for about 3 weeks per dr. They were eating 8 oz bottles every 3 hours and still starving(in the day, and after sleeping through had started to wake at 4 to eat again), plus sucking their fists, showing all the hungry signs constnatly and plain irritable. So now their eating regime is something like this:

wake at 7am---eat 8oz

10am--eat 8 oz

11am--jar of squash/sweet potato/carrot

2pm--8 oz

5pm--rice cereal mixed with fruit

6pm--8oz

thats it until next morning.

they love food, eat it right off the spoon and now act like they want to eat MY food lol

a sucks the food off her bib lol

[Strong Mama]

Oh yes, A was the agressor in my belly FOR SURE. I kn ew I would gonna have an active busybody out of womb.lol

[Red Pajama]

In my family, baby A is persistant and more particular about almost everything. As he was when he was little, so he is now, at 6.

Baby B is more intense when upset, but in general more flexible, as long as he wasn't already unhappy.

[mauri456]

My A is the needier one too.    She goes from happy to screaming very fast.   She's also a momma's girl and does not do so well when I need to work/go out without her :-(

My B on the other hand is so mellow.   She puts herself to sleep, will happily ride around in the stroller, barely ever asks to nurse/be held, and is always smiling.   

I feel the guilt too but it's funny I showed my hubby this thread and he said = that's women thinking...hahaha!  He said, I'm just happy it's just one that is needy and if B needed something she would certainly ask! :-)