I've been thinking a lot lately about how DH and I handle things as adults based on how we were raised. Only now that we are trying to teach DS "a better way" (i.e., not jumping into anger and yelling about every little thing that doesn't go his way) to be are we working on ourselves. It's sad, but true: We go through most of our lives this way, and it hasn't been exactly easy, but we made it and now we realize there IS a better way. A friend and I were talking about our siblings and it occurred to me that she is where she is in life b/c of the same lack of coping skills DH and I have. She is middle-aged, single, wanted to be married with kids a long time ago, and has very few friends and no partner in life. She is never happy at a job and moves from city to city, job to job, every few years. This helps facilitate her lack of permanent relationships, which is actually a good thing, b/c best friends seem to flee after a few years of her BS. She is the ultimate drama queen and just CANNOT see how superficial, hurtful, and selfish she is, any more than DH and were able to see how angry and reactive we were.
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The thing is, over the years, people (outside the family, and NOT close friends, either) have either told me or shown me instances where my behavior just wasn't "right" and eventually I started putting two and two together and realized not everyone yells when they're angry. Not everyone is so mean and judgmental when they are feeling insecure. Look at all these people, who seem so happy and well-adjusted: How do I get there? And I made some changes. My sister has not. She doesn't see anything wrong with her dramatics and has no idea why no man wants a woman so obsessed with shoe shopping and dog boutiques and soap operas and day spas who is so picky about EVERYTHING (what a man is wearing, what she eats, where she goes, what things LOOK like). My parents have tried to talk to her as an adult, but as a kid, her behavior was accepted. She was "sensitive." We had to tiptoe around. We had to put up with crying fits EVERY TIME we went out to a restaurant for dinner b/c there was "nothing to eat." I hated it.
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I really don't think my parents did either of us any favors by allowing our behaviors to continue. I didn't have too many tantrums when I was young, and my mom always tells me I was "easy." Well, I just kept my mouth shut b/c dear sister was hogging the spotlight and it was too draining to fight for attention. I stayed in my own little world, and even when my sister wanted to play with me, it was annoying. I'm very much a loner now. Once I became a teenager and the hormones hit, the anger came out. But I didn't have a good way to deal with frustration, b/c we were never really taught what to do INSTEAD of screaming, yelling, throwing things, etc. So I yelled at my Chemistry teacher and then had to apologize. But no one ever got to the bottom of why it happened and how it could have gone differently. I said A LOT of mean things to my mom, who just assumed it was a phase, forgave me b/c she loved me, and let it pass. I ended up not managing relationships very well, and to this day still have a hard time articulating my feelings about a situation so that others understand. Sometimes I'm not sure *I* understand.
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So I just read a thread here about a young child's tantrums, and it made me wonder WHAT we're supposed to do. I have seen so many people on this forum post about their kids, and say, "She's still a little drama queen, and gets so upset over such little things, but that's who she is, and I love her anyway." Great, right? So she is who she is. We shouldn't be trying to force our kids' personalities into something they're not. If a boy wants to wear pink, fine. If a girl cried in her room for days about the poor little bug that got squooshed under her bike tire, okay, she's sensitive. Kids are kids. They are going to have tantrums. Let them, be there for them, tell them you love them, validate their feelings. I am all for all of that, I'm not being snarky. But at what point do you draw the line so your kids DON'T end up like me, or DH, or my miserable sister? (Yes, she is miserable. I am not judging her b/c her life is different than mine. We are different people and I know and appreciate that. She is, without a doubt, truly one of the most miserable people I have ever laid eyes on. NOTHING makes her happy. NOTHING.)
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Sorry, maybe TMI, and thanks for reading. I really do want to know your thoughts on this, because it makes me so sad, and so scared that I'm going to "do it wrong" with DS!
