"Home" birth in a place that is not your home

[Jaimee]

We are moving to another state in about a month and will likely not be able to purchase our own home.  Most likely we will be living short term in an apartment or rental house until we find a house to buy.  It is also likely that I will give birth to this baby before that happens.  I'm having a really hard  time envisioning birthing in a house that is not my "own."  I'm also having a hard time knowing that I will leave the place where my baby was born. 

I had my second child at my home here and I'm feeling emotional about leaving this house- his place of birth. I  was really looking forward to birthing our next baby in a house that we planned on living in for many years and burying the placenta in the back yard.  Now I'm faced with this situation and I just don't know what to do, think, or feel.

Dh keeps trying to help by saying things like "it's not the place, it's the memory, which you'll always have."  He's not trying to trivialize my feelings, he's said so, but I just can't shake these feelings of sadness about leaving these places where I have birthed my children.

I would love to hear experiences from women that have birthed in a place that was not their permanent home and how you felt about birthing in someone else's space as well as how you felt about leaving it shortly thereafter.

Thanks!

[Banana731]

I gave birth in rented house. It wasn't ours, but it was our home so I didn't feel weird about birthing there. We moved out when the baby was about 9 months old. I was a little sad when i thought about leaving and when I looked at our room where she was born that one last time, I got a little weepy. That's about it though.

If you feel sad, embrace it, let yourself work out those feelings now so you can let them go. tell dh you need to talk about your feelings with out reassurance. I'm sure you're a logical enough person to realize that you can have a good birth anywhere if it's on your own terms and that you'll love your baby no matter where he's born! It's okay to be upset about leaving your home and the birth space you loved, go with it!

The only actual peice of advice I will give you is this. When we were waiting to move into our home now we stayed in an apartment for 3 weeks while we waited for our closing. I HATED it, it was gross and the longer we stayed the more I hated it. I would have been horrified if I had to give birth there. So if you can, just make sure you pick temporary hpousing you actually like, or you make it a place you can like before you go into labor! (if I had scrubbed that place from top to bottom, I probably could have delt with it.)

Edited by Banana731 - 6/5/11 at 4:58pm

[Jaimee]

Thanks Banana, that was really helpful to hear. 

[Sijae]

I'm sorry you're struggling with this.  Try to embrace the sadness and go through a little grieving process with this.  It's ok to feel sad, and it's also ok that you are moving on.  I gave birth to all three of my children at home.  The first was in a horrible little apartment, the second in a friends basement bedroom, and the third in a house dh and I owned but have now sold.  I have my memories of all those births and not living there anymore hasn't diminished the specialness of them.

[LLtheTinkerbell]

I haven't done it yet, but I will be birthing at home in the next couple of weeks (due in 5 days). I love my home, and I've only lived here for 8 months...and we rent. I know we won't be here for more than a few years but having moved around a lot in my life, I know there's something sweet about just being able to remember a place, or drive by it (or where it used to stand!). Don't know how helpful that is, sorry! I also agree with the PP about letting yourself be sad and asking your partner just to listen rather than console. 

[Jaimee]

Thanks everyone... it really is helpful to hear that so many of you have done this and didn't feel as though it was totally gut wrenching to leave.  I also don't hear any of you saying that the rental/temporary home didn't feel comfortable or didn't feel like home, so that's good, too.

I will try to just let myself feel how I feel, but attempt to not let it get in the way of doing what we need to do, which is most likely rent for a few months to a year before moving into our more permanent home.

[kawa kamuri]

My last birth took place in a rental apartment. We moved and on one of my last trips there I stood in the bedroom, in the spot where the pool was set up and my daughter was born and I sobbed. We're now living in a rental house, my EDD is tomorrow, and I know that I'll eventually move, stand in this babes birth spot and do the same sort of mourning. For me it's important to honour the sadness of leaving but also to realise that there is precious little we get to hold onto for long - life is fluid.

Take pictures beforehand, take pictures during and live in that glorious moment as much as you can.  

[MrsKatie]

I've never given birth, but am 19 weeks pregnant now and will be giving birth in a birth center, not at home.  My husband and I are currently living with his grandmother (crappy situation, long story) and will be for some time, so I wouldn't do a home birth here, simply because I am not comfortable in this house.  I just wanted to offer some support :)

I wonder if you can have particular items you use/ set up during labor that can become mementos later; a particular blanket for the bed, maybe, or a photo album you look though while laboring, or a cd you make specifically for labor?  Maybe creating a tangible marker of that experience can help the transition from rental apartment to next home.  When you're in your new home you can set up a little area in baby's room with those special pieces?  Just a thought...

Best wishes for a healthy pregnancy and delivery!

[Jaimee]

All good ideas MrsKatie, though I wonder if I'll really be noticing specific items in the space or just the feeling of the space as I did with my last birth.  There wasn't much time to be looking around or doing much of anything except laboring as I was already 5+cm when I went into labor.   Who knows how #3 will go, but the responses here have helped me realize that many women birth in a temporary place and it's okay.

[4 in 2005]

Yep I am giving birth in a rental.   When my late DH and I moved into this house I was sad we agreed to have no more children because this house just felt so calm and perfect for a homebirth.   Now he has passed away, I have been seeing a wonderful man and we are expecting our first together and planning a homebirth.  I know I will only be in this house for about a year longer.   He is building a home for us on his land.  While part of me wishes that he could have the house ready NOW so I could give birth to our son in our home.  I plan to take lots of pictures not only of the birth but of the way I have my birth area set up so that I have those memories. 

[goldenwillow]

Yep!  Gave birth in a rental too.  We left around DS 9th month.  I was sad, naturally due to the memories there but they are forever in our minds.  We live (as the crow flies) about 5 miles from our birth home.  We drive by from time to time and remember.  Just makes me smile.  There have been 3 total children born in that little cottage.  Must be a birthing place.  We decided to buy a tree and planted it in a HUGE pot with our placenta.  It has traveled with us to our new home. 

Not to worry.  I agree with PP's about just finding a good rental that you enjoy. 

[Mommel]

I am also planning my home birth in a rental and not a house either... an apartment with neighbors to the right, above and below. 

But, I'm comfy here and I'll likely stay for a few years before moving on to rent or buy a house, depending on the circumstances. Like a PP poster said, I can always drive by this place or where it used to be, years in the future. I also like another PP's advice to make a tangible memory... like a music CD or something else... I will have a quilt for directly after postpartum that has a lot of memories already attached to it.

[Just1More]

Think about all the women who have their babies in a hospital?  That's certainly not something you can keep forever.  Having a solid place is actually not the norm at all.

My first two were hospital births, my next two were born at home, but different houses, both rented.  In fact, I've never had 2 babies in the same house.  We've moved between each one of them!  But, I still have good memories, and fuzzy feelings about where I was and all.  And like others said, it was our things that made it home.  I can feel the area around me and the tree in the backyard, etc, when I think of when my third was brand new.  But, I also have the feeling of leaning against the end of our bed, holding her and feeling like I knew her forever.  The house is different, but when I lean against our bed, the memories come back to me sometimes. 

[goldenwillow]

Originally Posted by Just1More 

Think about all the women who have their babies in a hospital?  That's certainly not something you can keep forever.  Having a solid place is actually not the norm at all.

Awesome point.  We still have the same bed as when our kiddo was born (bought a new one preggo for the family bed) however I birthed him in a rented tub.  Rented tub...  didn't feel bad about returning it .  Same idea?
 

[Jaimee]

Originally Posted by Just1More 

Think about all the women who have their babies in a hospital?  That's certainly not something you can keep forever.  Having a solid place is actually not the norm at all.

Right, I realize it's not the norm, but that is actually one of the many reasons (though certainly not my number one reason) I don't want a hospital birth.  I don't like the idea of birthing somewhere and then leaving.  I did that with my first at a birth center and I still feel a sense of loss thinking about that place and knowing I'll likely never see it again (it was in AZ and we've moved twice since then and are now moving again).   Moving so much, I think, makes me especially nostalgic- needing to find places to hold on to.

But it is what it is and I will simply have to deal and make the most of it.  Thanks for all your supportive words.

[mountainmama707]

I have to travel 2.5 hours to even be Near a hospital in September. We plan to rent an apartment near the hospital for the birth We are too far out to safely transport if we need to get to a hospital. I am useing homebirth midwives I really like! As much I want to birth here at my house, safety is most important. DH is a firefighter/emt and he doesn't feel we are equipt to deal with an emergancy in a timely manner...we are also in the mountains and road conditions can make travel even harder if its stormy.  I still wish I could birth at home, but its a good compromise.

[cinderella08]

I'm dealing with this situation as well.  While DEMs are legal in SC, none of them attend VBAC since it is considered 'high risk'.  I'm looking at birthing in NC with a homebirth midwife and considering either birthing at her house, or at a hotel (Hotel would be 1hr drive, her home a 2hr drive. 

[mountainmama707]

Most towns have short term, furnished rentals out here in Cali. I'd be nervous birthing in a hotel, I'd be too loud and probably end up with security called on me!  I just want DH and the midwives at this birth. My previous hospital births felt too Public, my privacy is very important too me.  If all goes as planned it will be so nice just to not have to deal with the hospital's crappy policies and paperwork.

I have gotten some negative response to my plan, but its common practice travel to a good birth location if one isn't near by.  Ina May Gaskin's Spiritial Midwifery has stories of women traveling from all over to birth at the Farm.

[BubbleMa]

We're TTC and living in an apartment.  We will likely still be here when I give birth (hopefully it doesn't take a year for me to get pg!)  It's not how I always envisioned it, but I'm okay with that.  Like PPs said, it's our things that make it home.  This apartment feels like home.  :)

Originally Posted by goldenwillow 

Yep!  Gave birth in a rental too.  We left around DS 9th month.  I was sad, naturally due to the memories there but they are forever in our minds.  We live (as the crow flies) about 5 miles from our birth home.  We drive by from time to time and remember.  Just makes me smile.  There have been 3 total children born in that little cottage.  Must be a birthing place.  We decided to buy a tree and planted it in a HUGE pot with our placenta.  It has traveled with us to our new home. 

Not to worry.  I agree with PP's about just finding a good rental that you enjoy. 

I love that idea!  SO asked me what I was going to do with the placenta.  I told him I didn't know, because I wanted to plant a tree with it, but we don't have a yard to plant it in.  :(  He wasn't too keen on the idea of keeping it in the freezer.  I think you just solved the dilemma!  :D

[4 in 2005]

Ohh that gave me a great idea!  I am living in a rental now.   I didn't want to keep the placenta in the fridge till I move but when I move it will be to a new house that DF is building us on his land.  Maybe I can get him to plant a tree along with the placenta on his land after the baby is born.   Kind of makes me feel like setting down roots there for myself and this baby before the house is even built.  Thanks for the comments on the plants because that is what gave me the idea.