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Rude comments about being a SAHM mom or about lifestyle choices to make staying at home possible? - Page 2

post #21 of 67

Yes. A friend said to me jokingly, but directly: You're lazy. The irony is that she is a SAHM herself but yes she has the money and can live comfortably off of her husband's income. I am still friends with her in spite of it because she had a v. horrible and tragic thing happen to her. Not death, but something that you would see only on tv shows or the movies and maybe she said it because of her frame of mind. I know she hasn't said anything else that would make me feel that. She is v. calm and composed but I still want to put it behind me and be supportive to her in her situation. This one I haven't been able to completely forgive though. My inlaws asked me to find work and that they would help out by watching dd. They are retired. I began working part time. Whenever there was work I was given an assignement. Not elaborating on what work it was. A few months later, they spoke to dh and told him they weren't going to be able to watch dd anymore because they had taken on the duty of watching another grandchild instead.


Edited by Neera - 6/27/11 at 1:47pm
post #22 of 67

I think I'm lucky to be a SAHM.

 

Lucky to be still partnered (which I guess is partially because of my choices, but there IS another person involved).  Lucky that his employment is enough to keep us housed and food on the table (esp. in this economy, that is not so for everyone, even the people who don't have cable--we don't have cable but we do have high speed internet, which is not that much less expensive to be honest).  Lucky that my husband doesn't have a disability.  Lucky that we don't have major medical debt that puts our home at risk if we don't pay up, ect.

 

I do get the frustration of other people's assumptions--but sometimes I am equally as frustrated with my fellow SAHMs who are just as callous and presumptuous towards others who don't (EVERYONE could do this if only they made better choices like me--sorry, sisters, but that is just *not so*.)

 

We don't have to feel good about our choices by ripping on other people.  Isn't that why it stings so much when someone rips us?

 

I think that wherever we are in life, luck DOES come into play.  Of course, so do choices.  But if you are dealt an extreme hand either way, sometimes the choices genuinely don't have a lot of impact.

post #23 of 67

I've only gotten a few rude comments, most of them were of the OMG, How can you stand it?? I could NEVER look after all those kids all day....OMG....don't they drive you crazy....type. Which is disrespectful and doesn't even deserve an answer. Asking me how I can stand being with my kids (and my dayhome kids) all day is like me asking them "OMG....how can you STAND that wierd shaped nose you have??Oh I'd NEVER be able to go out in public like that!! "  But I won't stoop.....

 

The worst I got though was a sneered  -'Must be nice to sit home and do crafts all day while the rest of us go to work' - by a parent of a child I cared for EVERYDAY 7:30-5:30 in my dayhome.

I presented her with her 2 week notice at pick up time. (here, here's a bit more work for ya, good luck finding daycare around here)

 

Most people seem supportive for the most part though, I get lots of "I wish I had your patience" and "look at all the beautiful children, are they all yours?" and such which is awesome, I end up meeting lots of nice folks that way and it's just a good feeling to have a friendly chat with a stranger.

 

 

(You know, if SAHMing was a government regulated 'job' like dept. of health, dept. of hwys, etc we'd probably be required to wear some sort of hazmat suit, or at least a gas mask. (if anyone has had a poop smearer they'll understand) Oh, and we'd get a lunch break : )

 

 

 

post #24 of 67

I get the "you're so lucky comments" regularly too. And they do rub me the wrong way. Of the people we know the VAST majority could do it if they actually wanted to or felt it was important but their big house & new cars & piles of stuff (not that we dont' have stuff!) are more important & that's fine but the fact is that we very carefully set ourselves up so we can live this way. We decided it was more important than other things & made sacrifices: we don't live in the city, although we have 2 cars they both have over 250,000km on them, we are careful with our budget, dh's mom currently lives with us as well & helps with bills some.

 

At the same time I do feel lucky - like pp said there are some things that could instantly change things tomorrow. If dh lost his job & couldn't find one as well paying, if he died or was horribly injured or very sick. But for now we are healthy & happy & this is working well for us.

 

 

post #25 of 67

I feel lucky, but I guess it's more lucky that we are both able to figure out how to make it work for me to be a sahm. Even my 2 teenagers ask to go to the thrift store when they want new clothes. And my 16 year old is really into fashion. We have a big house and 2 car payments, 2 teenagers and an 8 year old...all on one income, because we are able to make this work. And we aren't rich! We're better off than some people in our families but I have seen them make very bad decisions(one writes checks when there's no money in her account if she wants something, then has all the fees to pay.) We get really cool things from freecycle(and give our stuff away on there). One thing is I have all girls, so even though they do all get new clothes there's alot to hand down to the next so when they were little, we only had to spend money on shoes, socks and undies. For that I am truely lucky! My kids have a female cousin a bit older and we were given all her outgrown clothes. When I hear people complain, I think back to when we were living on 16K/yr with 3 kids and no gov assistance.

post #26 of 67

Oh and to clarify, we don't get away with not buying clothes for the kids anymore lol I wish we could! My teenagers have outgrown everyone in the family(including their parents) and even my jeans would be highwaters on their long legs.

post #27 of 67

Wow Neera, that wasn't very nice of your inlaws to do!

post #28 of 67
Childsplay, This just made my day! I've noticed that when I don't justify my decision to SAH then people don't question it. If I seem unsure, they ask a million questions. If someone were to say something like that to me I'd probably just say, "Ok". (And be thinking "what a dumbass")

What an idiotic thing to say to someone. Don't internalize it. People will think what they think.


[quote name="childsplay" url The worst I got though was a sneered  -'Must be nice to sit home and do crafts all day while the rest of us go to work' - by a parent of a child I cared for EVERYDAY 7:30-5:30 in my dayhome.

I presented her with her 2 week notice at pick up time. (here, here's a bit more work for ya, good luck finding daycare around here

post #29 of 67
Quote:
Originally Posted by NZJMama View Post





I get this alot. Especially from DH's co-workers. It drives me nuts. We don't have cable,  use coupons, drive older used cars, live in a small house and so on. It is a sacrifice for us, but I wouldn't change it for anything.

 

OP- sorry your cousin is so thoughtless. Makes me wonder if she has any kids of her own? It seems like many thoughtless comments about raising kids are from people w/o kids. (It makes me cringe when I recall some of my own thoughtless comments.)

 



AHH! I totally get that. Even at our old CHURCH, where you would think a woman staying home would be the norm my DH was asked a few times "Well why doesn't Echo get a job...?" uh.. because I have one? Just because I don't get paid doesn't mean I don't work. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! It's so frustrating. But you are right. The worst is "Your so lucky.." well, in a way, sure, I'm blessed that my husband makes a decent living (read: AVERAGE, not outrageous living).. but most of it is just making sacrifices that make it worth it. We own a modest home, out of the city, drive older cars, we don't own crazy expensive things, I redo 99 percent of our furniture that I buy at old thrift/antique stores, etc.. People just don't get it. They have been brainwashed since the 50/60s that you HAVE to have two incomes to exist.

 

post #30 of 67
Quote:
Originally Posted by Neera View Post

 This one I haven't been able to completely forgive though. My inlaws asked me to find work and that they would help out by watching dd. They are retired. I began working part time. Whenever there was work I was given an assignement. Not elaborating on what work it was. A few months later, they spoke to dh and told him they weren't going to be able to watch dd anymore because they had taken on the duty of watching another grandchild instead.



I'm not sure that I can forgive your in laws, and I don't even know you!  How awful of them!



Quote:
Originally Posted by childsplay View Post

 

The worst I got though was a sneered  -'Must be nice to sit home and do crafts all day while the rest of us go to work' - by a parent of a child I cared for EVERYDAY 7:30-5:30 in my dayhome.

I presented her with her 2 week notice at pick up time. (here, here's a bit more work for ya, good luck finding daycare around here)


 

 

 


Oh my goodness, someone who has you watch their child SAID that to you?  Good for you.

 

 

 

For me, back when I thought I was going to have a Career, back before I realized that my mom's status of Queen of the Universe was bestowed upon her because she simply had no choice, she couldn't feel guilty about working because she had NO choice, that she would have loved to be home with us but had no choice...before I realized all of that, and that my true wish was NOT to have a Career but to have a Family...  Back then I actually said to a SAHM friend, while at a baby shower for another friend, that I coudln't imagine staying at home with a child all day, that it must be extremely boring.  Aughhhhhhhhhhh.  I wish I knew if she remembers it...I'd love to apologize.

 

 

And now...almost no one asks, because I'll flat out tell them that sure, I keep the kid alive, do some housework, and homeschool the boy...but overall why yes I AM lazy.  I make SAHMs look bad sometimes, LOL....but I'm trying to do better!  :)

 

post #31 of 67

Thanks purple and milky for acknowledging my post. I went through a long process of getting the work and then I had plans of applying full time and they shattered my dreams. My mil cried etc when confronted but they never apologized to me directly. Well, I believe in What goes around comes around.

 

Comment from last week from an ex-neighbor (we moved 10 mins. away):  "What are you doing now? Are you still doing nothing?"

 

I guess it goes on. People will not stop being mean, biased, jealous or whatever it is they are feeling. It is how I deal with these events.

 


Edited by Neera - 7/15/11 at 9:02am
post #32 of 67

OP-- I haven't read through the entire thread as I'm in a hurry, but I wanted to say I get this a lot too and think it is pretty interesting that your DH's cousin has a kid and doesn't like her job.  I think her comments reflect more on HER and her own feelings than on you.  I mean, why on earth does anyone think it is okay to talk to people this way?  It is so rude it almost has to be deeper than it being about you.  I actually just got into it with a neighbor on this same topic a couple nights ago while she was pressuring me to put DS in daycare.  I can see she isn't comfortable with *her* choices, so she has to make it about *my* choices.  I am also pregnant and have zero patience, so despite the fact that I have never snapped at her on this or anything else and it has come up literally 20 times over the years, I ended up very firmly saying to her "Listen, you make choices you feel are best for your family, and I'll make choices I feel are best for mine."  When she tried to continue the conversation by insulting me and calling me uninformed, I said "I'm going inside" and took my son's hand and closed our garage on her while she was still talking.  And, I am so glad I did.  There comes a point in time where you feel like you're being bullied for your choices, and it is time to say something.  I could care less about having a friendship with this woman though I do need to remain friendly with her since we're neighbors.  I am guessing you're in a similar situation since this is family, but personally I would think about what I wanted to say the next time it came up and say it.  If she continued to criticize you I'd tell her the conversation was over and leave or ask her to leave.   Quite frankly, it is abusive, and you don't have to stand by and take it. 

 

Good for you for making the sacrifices you have to do what you think is best for your kids.  I am lucky that while we've certainly made huge sacrifices, I've had it easier than some too.  I grew up in a household though where my own parents made huge sacrifices to have my mom stay home with us, and even though we had a tiny home and no money, I am so incredibly grateful they made that choice.  I wouldn't have traded getting to be at home for my own bedroom, nicer clothes and toys, or anything else.  Don't let others make you question yourself.  It isn't about you...its about them.  They need to look inside and figure out why they have a need to care about or criticize your choices which don't affect them one bit.  "It is important to our family for our children to have a stay at home parent, so we are doing what we have to do to give them that gift.  Thanks for you input, but it isn't up for discussion.  Pass the bean dip."

post #33 of 67



 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Neera View Post

Comment from last week from an ex-neighbor (we moved 10 mins. away):  "What are you doing now? Are you still doing nothing?"

 



Ugh.  I have gotten this sort of comment a thousand times too.  It is just so striking because I have never criticized anyone else's choice to work despite the fact I have some really strong feelings about it.  I haven't ever heard another SAHP criticize a working parent either.  It is so taboo to criticize a working mother but not one who choses to stay home.  Maybe it is because I am pregnant and grouchy, but I would like to throw back a similar insult next time I hear something like this. I just might.

 

post #34 of 67
Yep, I pretty much get it all around. Mainly from MIL, but I have a few aunts and cousins who have made comments too. When DD was first starting to crawl I was talking to MIL and Aunt about how hard it was becomming to keep up with her and WOH and clean house and MIL shot back with, "Well, try doing all that AND working 40 hours a week."

When you work 40 hours a week you arent cooking three meals a day and cleaning up after yourself and kids all day long, because they are at babysitters or daycare while you are at work, not destroying the house minute by minute.
post #35 of 67
nod.gif Exactly! nod.gif

[quote name="Adaline'sMama" urlWhen you work 40 hours a week you arent cooking three meals a day and cleaning up after yourself and kids all day long, because they are at babysitters or daycare while you are at work, not destroying the house minute by minute. [/quote]
post #36 of 67
Quote:
Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama View Post
When you work 40 hours a week you arent cooking three meals a day and cleaning up after yourself and kids all day long, because they are at babysitters or daycare while you are at work, not destroying the house minute by minute.


My thoughts exactly. 

post #37 of 67
I've gotten a few snarky comments--I think they were out of jealousy or ignorance--about me working. I usually say, "On bad days sometimes I wish I were at work! That is so much easier than being home raising three kids! This is the hardest job I've ever had." That pretty much stops all comments and makes them think about it differently, might even open a conversation about all the stuff I have to do.

Usually if someone mentions it or asks if I WOH, my standard answer is "We're very lucky that I can stay home with the kids. They're only little once and I want to be there at such an important time in their lives. Knowing I'm giving them a good start makes the sacrifices totally worthwhile. I have the rest of my life to work." The response to that is always positive, and many people have good things to say about those values and focus.

After reading the comments here, I count myself lucky that our family members have all been supportive! I can't believe the kinds of comments people have made to some of you. greensad.gif
post #38 of 67

For some reason, the one that irritates me the most is "Oh!  You get to stay home!  That must be so much fun!"  I hear it a lot and am not sure why it bothers me...I think because, for me, it's NOT always fun.  Though I love our son to pieces, no...it's not always fun.  Sometimes it's boring and frustrating and repetitious and lonely and I feel that I'm not cut out of the same mold as the other moms I know who do this.  DH pointed out that nobody who's ever said this to me has been a SAHP, which was an excellent point.  I think you have to have BTDT to really know anything, and even then, people's experiences are so different.  To some people, this WOULD be "so fun" 24/7.  I have come to realize that being a SAHM is harder for me that some people for a variety of reasons; however, it's still what we feel is best for our family. 

post #39 of 67


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tigerchild View Post

 

I do get the frustration of other people's assumptions--but sometimes I am equally as frustrated with my fellow SAHMs who are just as callous and presumptuous towards others who don't (EVERYONE could do this if only they made better choices like me--sorry, sisters, but that is just *not so*.)



Yeah that! I was lucky enough to have saved up enough money to be a single SAHM for the first four months of my sons life, then I had to support us again but that only lasted for a few months because I really wanted to be with my son while he was so young so I found a WAHM job. This isn't a permanent job but I am soo happy to be able to be a SAHM for a little bit longer. working at home with my kids is so much more difficult than working a out of home job! I am doing everything I can to support my family ON MY OWN but also SAH with them too. However I don't have any special talent or money to invest in a business so I will have to stop being a SAHM, sorry but I can't get any more frugal like some of you have suggested, I allready cd, get stuff off freecycle, use bakingsoda and vinegar for everything, use little utilities and only have internet for an extra. I will be going to school to become a registered nurse in a couple of months and will be working part time as a nurse tech while in school. Maybe after I finish school in two years I will be able to get a job that pays well enough to someday stay at home again.

post #40 of 67
Quote:
Originally Posted by *bejeweled* View Post

nod.gif Exactly! nod.gif

[quote name="Adaline'sMama" urlWhen you work 40 hours a week you arent cooking three meals a day and cleaning up after yourself and kids all day long, because they are at babysitters or daycare while you are at work, not destroying the house minute by minute. [/quote]
 


It's not easy WOH either. I just quit my job to stay at home last month. Agreed being a SAHP is HARD work. It did it for 2 years after DD1 is born and am doing it again, probably on a permanent basis. I am up at 5:30am and I am done with what needs to be done at 10pm, maybe.

 

That said, WOH is no picnic either. I worked 50 hours a week, plus 2 hours driving every day to and from work and daycare, plus cooking dinner, doing most of the cleaning and trying to at least play with my kids for a little while before we all passed out from exhaustion at 10pm. Then I got to get back up and get us ready to do it all again the next day.And that's not counting the times I was expected to work weekends too. The house was NEVER clean, dinner was always late, the kids were always exhausted. I am sure many WOHMs had easier jobs than I did but overall I hated it! I am so glad to be at home with my kids! I still may be up at the same hours but I am spending them doing something that is truly important to me and my family. 

 

So yeah, whether you WOHM or WAHM or SAHM, being a parent in general is tough, time consuming and exhausting. After being in both worlds I have leaned that nobody has it easy, and if they say they do they are lying!shake.gif ....or independently wealthy, lol!

 

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