- June Dating Thread - let this be a summer of love for all of us!

[Butterflymom]

I see Molly has been pulled back into our fray after resolving to celibacy. (Welcome back!)  Halfasianmomma is now solo for a bit and thus joins our ranks (we're here for you!) .  And a few of us trolling online dating sites just to get that need for attention from guys met (I totally relate!  In fact, I have probably been guilty of doing that more than anyone else on this thread, during the past years).  What else is on your mind in regards to dating as a single mother.  

What's the single hardest part about not quite having 'happily ever after' in your life.....or even a committed, loving relationship that's not necessarily marriage/til-death-do-us-part in nature?

What's the best aspect of being single?

[Butterflymom]

For me, the best thing is being able to be a little selfish with my time and choices of how to spend my time and resources when the kids are with their dad.  I didn't have a single iota of that for 6 years as a stay at home round the clock mom, and nowadays I try to spoil myself a little and do some jet setting and splurging on myself while I can, before I get going on 'round 2' of babymaking and partnership.

Will Cucumber be my round 2 ?  God, I hope so.  Things between us over the weekend sizzled up to a raging wildfire to a point that left us both flabbergasted, I think.  Where did that come from??  If i ever thought he was a bit on the settled/boring side, I am now rethinking that assumption, as I think we found sides of him that neither of us knew existed, and things have just heated up to a fever pitch.  I'm happy and feeling butterflies every time I even think of him.  Actual chest pounding light headedness.  I would say yes yes a thousand times yes if he asked.  I've never been so sure about a man before.  I'm there.   

I hope he's getting there.  I don't know if the question even plagues his mind, but we have plans to spend a lot of time with my family in the states, his family in the boonies, and mingling my kids with his family at one point for a few days to pick strawberries, so I think things are getting seriouser and seriouser, as well as pleasantly curiouser and curiouser with the chemistry.  I'm hoping that by the time August rolls around, and all these family vacations are behind us, we are explicitly discussing future plans.  

As it is, I did confess I was browsing online for real estate, to daydream and get a feel for the market in regards to where I'd like to move into after this apartment (it's too small for a long term abode for even just me and two kids).  He asked me what I found.  And then asked the price and the link.  He looked it up and figured out the driving route to his work and concluded it was too long of a commute and asked me to continue browsing.  I found one in the neighborhood he currently resides and he complained about not being interested in renovations projects (it would have needed it), and asked that I keep my eye on a) near to his work and b) no renovations needed and I agreed.   I let the subject drop after that and haven't really brought it up again but oh my god I was shocked that he started this thread of conversation in regards to it being sort of a given that where I would someday live and where he would live would be the same home!  I have never hinted at the idea of us moving in to gather.  I'm encouraged that he is indeed serious.

[Butterflymom]

The hardest thing for me, is not having someone I care about on a daily basis and a long hiatus in babymaking.  My youngest is almost 6.  It's going to be a big age gap between these two and future kid(s).  I also don't like the idea of being past my prime in age for fertility and still not having a clear idea of when I can get started with the next kid or two.  I always liked the idea of being a young mom and having time after the kids were all grown to still be young enough to really enjoy your partner and travel the world, etc.

[Butterflymom]

PSA- to all of ya'll that want to know about the private space some of us use to discuss our dating lives, send me a message on here and I'll explain how you can join.

[ZoeyZoo]

Butterflymom - I'm so happy to hear things are looking up for you and Cucumber.

I'm still seeing Funny guy. I'm still a bit confused by him. He still continues to treat me very well and is calling me even more frequently now (like 3+ times per day). But some things still feel off for me. Like he brought up again that he feel marriage is outdated, has tried to engage me into some debates where we have totally different opinions and he know will go nowhere, etc. I also got a new dog so he volunteered to take care of the dog while I'm at work until the dog gets into his new routine.

There is one thing that got me upset at him. Both of us go to a club for a particular interest and he went to a meeting that I couldn't attend. He gave a new woman there a ride home but she tried to extend things and wanted him to take her to get something to eat so he said I'll drive through a fast food window but you're paying. She trew a fit and wanted to go to a sit down place where she ordered 2 dishes and paid for them. He says he didn't eat and just wanted to go home (I believe this part because he hates to go to bed late). Then he said she was pretty drunk and wanted to make sure she got home (since he was the last one with her and it wasn't a great neighborhood) so he asked for her number and texted her "got in OK?" and she replied "yes". Then after this a few days later she texted him "Do you live alone". He told me about all this and even grabbed his phone and handed me the texts so I don't think he was trying to hide anything but he did seem to be leading her on and it bothered me.

Another thing that annoyed me a bit but he is right, is that he pointed out that I was in a huge fashion rut. My XH was really obsessive about what I wore so I learned to dress in a way that didn't attract any attention. I was still carrying that forward. Afraid to look young and hip and attract attention. Just when I think I've worked out my past issues I seem to find a new one that's still in there.

As for the single mom life I do enjoy that I get to have a bit of a life now and do some things to focus on myself. I actually cut off my OKC account because I feel like I need to do more things for me and that going out had been distracting on that. Like I was going to disappoint these guys if I didn't talk or see them. I still see I have some people pleasing issues to work through too. I also need some time to myself and my hobbies to recharge and figure out what direction I want to go with everything else outside of dating that's been going on in my life.

[Martha27]

I need to join back in here and hang out more! I have been feeling alone in my single mom-ness lately. I have lots of great supportive friends and family but none live close enough to see everyday and I live in an area I have only been in for a year and well I suck at making friends and meeting people IRL :/ As far as dating well I suck at that too apparently! I have been seperated from my ex since December but really the relationship had been over for a good year for me so I was pretty ready to jump right back into finding a nice guy after about 2 months. OKC has been my only source of men folk as the bar scene just doesn't seem to ever pan out for me. I have met up with 3 guys since February. the first blew me off after one date, the second completely took advantage of me and then blew me off with no "see you later" what so ever and the third, well he at least sent me a message after the first date and said "sorry you are not my type" - at least I got a goodbye from him but still ouch!

I feel like I need to step away from OKC but even though it has failed me miserably and the only people who ever message me now are creepy really old guys or bisexual couples looking for threesomes- not kidding- I can't seem to erase my account and step away. I am so wanting a nice guy to hangout with!!!

ok on to the questions-

What's the single hardest part about not quite having 'happily ever after' in your life.....or even a committed, loving relationship that's not necessarily marriage/til-death-do-us-part in nature?- seeing all my friends on fricking facebook with their pictures of perfect families and loving devoted husbands! I have considered erasing my FB account b/c it hurts. It hurts to know my kids are not going to have the mom and dad that my friends kids have and it hurts to know I don't and have yet to have the best friend, in love feelings everyone else seems to get to have and the constant reminder of it every time I turn on my computer is not very healthy for me right now :/

What's the best aspect of being single? ok enough feeling sorry for myself :) what I like about this new single mom life is the freedom and the every other weekend me time I haven't had since before I meet my EX! I love how I can be off by myself now and not worried that my "husband" has to "babysit" his kids and is probably mad that I am taking far too long picking out groceries at the store by myself! I like the idea that I am on the market- even if it is going horrible right now!- and that I have the chance to find the true love I have heard about and been wishing for since I was a teenager, only now I am not a teenager but a grownup with much life experience who will not make the same mistake twice and actually succeed this time in the quest for "Mr. Right" :)

thank you for letting me vent, that felt good and I needed to write that out! Now, may we all find happiness in the month of June :)

[mowilli3]

Hi ladies,

I'd like to join. My STBX is moving to his new house soon and we have been practicing coparenting for about a year while we wait for everything to come apart. The best thing for me is that I've rediscovered my love of dancing. I go to classes when the kids are with their dad. I also have discovered the joys of the LELO Isis! Thank goodness for some alone time. Finally, I'd say that I enjoy my children more because I'm more alive when I am with them.

The downside is that I miss having someone to come home to, someone that I can share myself with as an adult and receive support and love. I've been craving love and intimacy for a long time. This is my summer of divorce, but love is still all around!

Mo

[hazeldust]

Sort of new here, at least to the dating thread. Not too much going on right now, although since the last time I visited this thread(it was May and I was feeling very jealous of some of you dating single mamas:-P) I have come out of my funk to a good degree. I am trying to watch what I eat, and trying to do my sun salutation and freewriting every morning(just two small things that dont take up too much time that make me feel good about myself). Not last weekend but the Sunday before, I woke up and decided to go for a run. I alternately ran and walked for about an hour and a half, pushing myself as hard as I could. THIS IS NOT A USUAL THING FOR ME, lol, it's just that I had been down for awhile and I needed a physical reminder that I was still alive, and it really kickstarted  me into some better habits, and just woke me up a bit! The kids were with their dad that day, so I tried to get some stuff done, and took a nice nap at some point. Later my friend and I got all dressed up and went out to this local rockabilly type bar, and I felt so good. I felt energetic, and like MYSELF. Like I said I got all dressed up, and felt beautiful. I didn't feel awkward and I was keeping my mind on the future, and therefore not anxious about the present. And it was amazing the attention I got. There were these two guys in particular, neither of which really matter, since I didn't get their numbers or anything, but the point is that it reaffirmed for me how when you are feeling good about yourself, guys notice that. Since then, I've been thinking about this guy I used to go out with last year, as he kind of randomly msg'd me and it got me thinking about him, and how im in a much different place in my life and would it be worth another try and all that, hmmmm, lol!

To answer your ??? I was just thinking about this today, and for me, the best part about being single is having the freedom to change. To quote Lady Gaga 'and when things fall out of place, I take my time, i put them back, i touch myself till im on track'. I love that line because I remember being in a relationship (granted, not a good one) and feeling like I was stuck as the person he saw me as and trying to change felt pointless. Im sure its different in a good relationship, but there is always that factor of someone else perceiving you in a certain way, and having to push against that to make progress in your personal growth.

The thing I like least is just being so limited, financially. I don't have a car, my ex doesn't pay child support, or hasnt in awhile at least, and I would love to partner up with someone(even just a friend, as housemates) because there are so many things that are just out of my reach. I mean even trying to go the the beach is a challenge with no car, lol. Im lucky to have a few close friends to fill in the gaps, but still it'd be nice to have a partner, in the true sense of the word. That said, i'd like to add is that I feel like I have alot of love and affection to give, and if I could find someone that I mesh well with, and vice versa, well, I feel I could make someone very happy. I'd like to find a partner while I am young and feel beautiful and sexy. I worry that physically, i'm wasting the best years of my life alone. I know people fall in love during all times of their lives, but I would like to be youngish still when I find someone that I can't be without.

So that's where I'm at...Hopefully I'll have more to tell you ladies soon, lol, but we'll see. It's challenging dating as a single mom, but I'm feeling hopeful:-)

[ZoeyZoo]

Hazeldust - You actually summed up quite nicely several things in my head right now. I had been debating what type of relationship I wanted to get into. I don't want to lose my personal growth which I feel I tend to slow down dramatically when I'm with someone. I have also been debating the topic of marriage a bit in my head and while part of me wants it again, if it weren't for putting stability into DD's life I wonder if I would marry. And then if I didn't marry what would my dating life look like when I was 10, 20 or 30 years older.

[mimim]

What's the single hardest part about not quite having 'happily ever after' in your life.....or even a committed, loving relationship that's not necessarily marriage/til-death-do-us-part in nature? The lack of an intimate connection.

What's the best aspect of being single? Making all my own decisions, independent of another adult.


So my date on Sunday with "Philosophy Guy" was fun. I'm feeling a little less excited about him after the second date, but am definitely willing to get to know him better. He just texted me and asked me when we will get together again. I'm trying to decide if I should see him tomorrow - I have no kids and no special plans - or wait a little bit so as not to rush into anything. Also, I have a FWB type thing going and we seem to have a little Thursday night tradition going, so I do expect to hear from him in the next 24 hours too. I don't have any sort of commitment to the FWB, of course, but I feel a little bad about dropping him like a hot potato as soon as someone better strolls by. I still might ask Philosophy Guy if he wants to meet up for a drink in the evening or I might suggest we have another Sunday dinner. Or maybe I should do research and come up with a more creative suggestion. Hmm. A dilemma. What to do... But what fun trying to decide...

[Moochie Mamma]

Originally Posted by mimim 

What's the single hardest part about not quite having 'happily ever after' in your life.....or even a committed, loving relationship that's not necessarily marriage/til-death-do-us-part in nature? The lack of an intimate connection.

What's the best aspect of being single? Making all my own decisions, independent of another adult.



 

I could have answered these questions exactly as you did.  I would add feeling lonely, like right now. 

Been seeing the same guy (text guy) for about 3 months now... casually dating, no commitment or anything.  Texting pretty much daily and seeing each other about once or twice a week.  Didn't hear from him all weekend.  The last couple days I've sent him a text and his responses were really short, not flirty like usual.  Today I sent him one this morning to see if he wanted to hang out today bc my kiddos went back to their dad's house.  His response: "working today".  That's it.  Nothing more.  Hmmmmm I'm getting the feeling I'm getting the blow-off.  (He's been looking for work since his winter seasonal job ended so it's good he's found something.)  Thinking of either not contacting him and seeing what happens or calling him and saying (or texting) something like "If you're blowing me off and don't want to see me anymore please just be honest and let me know, or if there's something going on in your life and you need space please communicate that with me.  I don't play games and respectfully ask you not to play games either."  What do you all think?  Should I say something like that or something else or just wait and see?

[doubledutch]

mm, if just dating, i wouldn't say something like that.  i'd go about my business, and if he calls me, great, if not, whatever.  if he were my boyfriend, of course i would call and ask what was up.

What's the single hardest part about not quite having 'happily ever after' in your life.....or even a committed, loving relationship that's not necessarily marriage/til-death-do-us-part in nature?

my self-esteem wasn't great before, and this is another hit.  i have serious doubts that i will ever be in a good relationship.  that is so melodramatic, but i really do question that sometimes.  i think about all the ways i need to improve myself, which is depressing.  there's some truth to it (in the "get emotionally healthy" sense) but i get really down on myself about my appearance and stuff.

okay, the other hardest thing is not getting any.

What's the best aspect of being single?

time.  even though i'm busy as a single parent, it's so incredible that i have some time to myself (when the boys are with their dad or when they're sleeping) - and i feel like i have more/better time with my kids, too, because i'm not dealing with ex's bs on a daily basis.  i have the quote "all my possessions for a moment of time" (elizabeth the first) taped onto my computer monitor, and that's truly how i used to feel.  i was desperate for a little time alone and now i have it, and i do cherish it.

[ZoeyZoo]

Originally Posted by Moochie Mamma 

I could have answered these questions exactly as you did.  I would add feeling lonely, like right now. 

Been seeing the same guy (text guy) for about 3 months now... casually dating, no commitment or anything.  Texting pretty much daily and seeing each other about once or twice a week.  Didn't hear from him all weekend.  The last couple days I've sent him a text and his responses were really short, not flirty like usual.  Today I sent him one this morning to see if he wanted to hang out today bc my kiddos went back to their dad's house.  His response: "working today".  That's it.  Nothing more.  Hmmmmm I'm getting the feeling I'm getting the blow-off.  (He's been looking for work since his winter seasonal job ended so it's good he's found something.)  Thinking of either not contacting him and seeing what happens or calling him and saying (or texting) something like "If you're blowing me off and don't want to see me anymore please just be honest and let me know, or if there's something going on in your life and you need space please communicate that with me.  I don't play games and respectfully ask you not to play games either."  What do you all think?  Should I say something like that or something else or just wait and see?

Honestly I would just move on. If this is a "I need space" issue he'll try to get back in touch with you. If this is how he's behaving after 3 months I wouldn't want the guy anyway... guys who have been serious about getting to know me always were willing to put more into things that that to court me.

I had a guy that did that to me every time I blew him off. As first I wouldn't have minded seeing him again (we only had 1 date) but he would ask me out too late and I always had plans for that night but always added something like "but I would love to see you another time". After getting several texts saying "are you blowing me off", "do you really want to see me again", etc. he found me online and I told him on chat that I was very independent, made plans in advance, and his text sounded very insecure and needy which I told him I wouldn't tolerate and that if I met a guy like that it wouldn't be a good match. He did it again and I wrote him that I didn't have interest in seeing him again. I got back this nasty text from him that I shouldn't have kissed him goodnight and led him on if I had no intention of seeing him again. I didn't feel I let him on... just I wasn't putting up with that behavior after 1 date.

Anyway... just wanted to share my experience of being on the other side of similar texts as yo what you're proposing.
 

[thefragile7393]

Originally Posted by Butterflymom 

  And a few of us trolling online dating sites just to get that need for attention from guys met (I totally relate!  In fact, I have probably been guilty of doing that more than anyone else on this thread,

[thefragile7393]

What's the single hardest part about not quite having 'happily ever after' in your life.....or even a committed, loving relationship that's not necessarily marriage/til-death-do-us-part in nature?

I am lonely.  Period.  I hate not being loved by someone else.  There's a void that can't be filled by girl friends or my own kids.  I have a need to be loved and wanted and cared about by someone else. 

That said, i'd like to add is that I feel like I have alot of love and affection to give, and if I could find someone that I mesh well with, and vice versa, well, I feel I could make someone very happy. I'd like to find a partner while I am young and feel beautiful and sexy. I worry that physically, i'm wasting the best years of my life alone. I know people fall in love during all times of their lives, but I would like to be youngish still when I find someone that I can't be without.

Yep this is me to a T.  Plus I want one more child, I know I'm nowhere near being finished with my family and I don't want to be older having children.  I saw how it went for my mom....

What's the best aspect of being single?

I can cook and experiment and I don't have a food snob hanging over my shoulder critisizing me or disliking everything I make.  I can take the kids anywhere I want anytime.

[Butterflymom]

Originally Posted by Martha27 

 I love how I can be off by myself now and not worried that my "husband" has to "babysit" his kids and is probably mad that I am taking far too long picking out groceries at the store by myself! I like the idea ... that I have the chance to find the true love I have heard about and been wishing for since I was a teenager, only now I am not a teenager but a grownup with much life experience who will not make the same mistake twice and actually succeed this time in the quest for "Mr. Right" :)

OMG I completely relate to these parts!  Word for word.  I had that husband mad at me for taking too long to get home after my allotted allowed 'task' outside the home because he needed to get back to his stuff asap and get the kids back on mom-watch.

And I am also optimistic that this time I'm gonna get it right and no uber-critical, snarling, horrible husband-o-disappointment to remind me of my first mistake, every day.

[Butterflymom]

Originally Posted by ZoeyZoo 
 And then if I didn't marry what would my dating life look like when I was 10, 20 or 30 years older.

Sobering thought!   Shudder  Our society just isn't kind towards the female aging process, and nowhere is that more potentially horrible than on the dating market.

Originally Posted by Moochie Mamma 

  Thinking of either not contacting him and seeing what happens or calling him and saying (or texting) something like "If you're blowing me off and don't want to see me anymore please just be honest and let me know, or if there's something going on in your life and you need space please communicate that with me.  I don't play games and respectfully ask you not to play games either."  What do you all think?  Should I say something like that or something else or just wait and see?

I agree with what others have said.  I'd ust let him be independent, stop thinking about him, and if he comes around and flirts/contacts/requests to see you, hold back a little and see if he 'steps up to the plate' and makes you feel courted and pursued, like something important and valued in his life, or not.  Unfortunately it doesn't sound like you really are, and until he suddenly wakes up and proves that you are, I'd just keep looking and count him out.

Originally Posted by hazelnuts

I'd like to find a partner while I am young and feel beautiful and sexy. I worry that physically, i'm wasting the best years of my life alone. I know people fall in love during all times of their lives, but I would like to be youngish still when I find someone that I can't be without.

Yes!  And also the part someone else said about wanting more kids and not wanting to do it when I'm older.

Originally Posted by mowilli3 
 I enjoy my children more because I'm more alive when I am with them.

Yes!  
 

[turtle2who]

What's the single hardest part about not quite having 'happily ever after' in your life.....or even a committed, loving relationship that's not necessarily marriage/til-death-do-us-part in nature? Not having the day to day companionship- someone to talk to about what's going on in my life (and his) someone to go to a movie with or out to eat

What's the best aspect of being single? Lots of time for ME! And nobody to answer to about anything


 

[Martha27]

So I'm starting to get discourage on OKC. I really need to just do away with it but am having trouble letting go of my one connection to the possibilty of a date! I just keep attracting the weirdest guys! Just by messages, I don't meet up with just anyone on that site. I haven't recieved any messages or visitors that even seem safe to pursue :(  Should i try making the first move on some guys that I might be interested in? Or is that not "the way" to do it? Is it standard for the guy to send the first message?

Also, has anyone had experience with using Match.com after OKC and can give me rave reviews? I am hesitant to spend the money if it's going to just be the same creeps sending me messages that make me just feel worse about myself even trying online dating! Also I'm not 100% sure my ex doesnt check match.com just to see if im on their so I'd have that to worry about too...

how else does a single mom meet potential dates? anyone else have ideas? HELP :)

[Moochie Mamma]

Ugh wish I had read your advice earlier.  I did send him a text laying it all out asking what I am to him, blah blah blah.  He was on his way out of town and said let's talk after the weekend.  I'm not going to contact him again and just wait to see if he follows through.  If not then I'll definitely have my answer.  The only issue is that we live in a small town, have mutual friends/ acquaintances, hang out at same places so I'll definitely run into him again and don't want it to be weird.