- June Dating Thread - let this be a summer of love for all of us! - Page 2

[turtle2who]

Originally Posted by Martha27 

So I'm starting to get discourage on OKC. I really need to just do away with it but am having trouble letting go of my one connection to the possibilty of a date! I just keep attracting the weirdest guys! Just by messages, I don't meet up with just anyone on that site. I haven't recieved any messages or visitors that even seem safe to pursue :(  Should i try making the first move on some guys that I might be interested in? Or is that not "the way" to do it? Is it standard for the guy to send the first message?

Also, has anyone had experience with using Match.com after OKC and can give me rave reviews? I am hesitant to spend the money if it's going to just be the same creeps sending me messages that make me just feel worse about myself even trying online dating! Also I'm not 100% sure my ex doesnt check match.com just to see if im on their so I'd have that to worry about too...

how else does a single mom meet potential dates? anyone else have ideas? HELP :)

Martha you should totally make the first move on those dating sites. Otherwise you'll only hear from wackos- in my experience. You have to be bold- if you like someone send a little message commenting on something in their profile- something you have in common or whatever.  I like match because you can "wink" at someone and if they like the looks of your profile they can "wink" back. So you know there is mutual attraction. Then you can send a little email hello. I just joined Cupid and haven't given it enough time and attention since I am talking to 3 different guys on Match. One I already met. Another I am excited about meeting- hopefully soon but kid issues are making it hard. And a third I may never meet. Not sure if I'm interested enough and he is leaving to spend the summer in Florida next week- so why would I do it now?

So- do it!

[turtle2who]

Oh yeah- how do I get into the single parenting lounge?

[Martha27]

thanks for the encouragment! it's what I need, I can be a bit shy when it comes to meeting people! OKC has that wink feature so maybe I'll give that a try :)

hmmm not sure I'd bother with a guy leaving for the summer either, but that's nice having 3 different guys to talk with...maybe I should be checking out Match :)

[Devaya]

Hi everyone. I can resonate with so much of what you all have said. I guess my answer would be: the worst thing is not being able to share the day to day stuff with - I only have one really good local friend and I worry that I lean too heavily on her at times. A close second is definitely lack of 'sex on tap' ;)

The best thing: freedom and feeling good about myself. My self esteem has improved so much since not being with someone who undermined me in many subtle ways every day. My confidence as a mother, an artist, an attractive woman and a human being has grown a lot and I feel much stronger and more sexy, somehow.

Butterflymom, that does sound like exciting progress with Cucumber - I mean, talking about houses, that's a big one. Mimim, let us know how it goes with Philosophy Guy, I had to smile at your description of being so 'off the dating market' and then meeting someone you jibe with...it so often is like that. As for me, I'm enjoying OKC - Martha 27,I was also hesitant about contacting people but the site intro email said that contacting your matches and not waiting to be contacted particularly improves women's chances of meeting someone. I also had mostly weirdos and creeps on a previous site so I know what you mean! But so far there's mainly been genuine seeming people on OKC. At the moment talking to two particular guys who I would like to meet, but now I'm hesitant about suggesting meeting! It's like, I 'm not looking for a penpal, you know? One of them has got the music compatibility side waxed  - music is So important to me- *(and he lives in the countryside),and the other is very spiritual. I'm still looking for someone w ho's got it all in one 'package', but in the meantime I'll go on dates with anyone who ticks a few boxes. I don't want to be closedminded, and you never know.

On Sat night I saw LCG for the first time since our breakup two months ago, at a dance class. He predictably tried to draw me in, but I was strong and resisted! He did dance with me a couple times and I felt ok with that or I wouldn't have done it. He texted me after the class and started being flirty, said he wished I was in his bed etc... flattering but I'm SO not going there. I don't even find him attractive anymore, (i never realy did), it's just the memory of the incandescent sex that makes me at all tempted. Anyway it was good to see him and feel really over him.

I'm still sort of interested in the dance class guy, the Therapist, but I reckon he'd have asked me out by now if he was interested, although there's a possibility he could be shy...he does seem a bit reserved in some ways. We'll see. In the meantime I'm pretty relaxed about it all. Soon will be at a festival (from Fri) with lots of eligible cute guys, but I'll have my son with me so opportunities will be limited! Still, should be fun ;)

[NewMom0208]

What's the single hardest part about not quite having 'happily ever after' in your life.....or even a committed, loving relationship that's not necessarily marriage/til-death-do-us-part in nature?

I miss the companioship, the romancing,the sharing, the inner jokes. sometimes I dont mind, but sometimes I get home and there is a void. I want to be in love!

What's the best aspect of being single?

I am just done with my "dating losers" spree and now I am taking a break. I am recollecting, trying to see what I learned and see how can I get really ready for the relationship of my dreams.

I am enjoysing singlehood and reinventing myself. When I moved where I live now, I left everything behind, so I am looking for economic ways to decorate, I am working on my son's developmental challenges. And I am working on me and my emotional growth. I am doing things for me and being as selfish as I can! This is my time.

Of course I cannot be on this stage forever, I am 40 and not getting any younger so I plan to be back on the market in a few months. Maybe by year end or the beggining of 2012.

[turtle2who]

Originally Posted by Devaya 

The best thing: freedom and feeling good about myself. My self esteem has improved so much since not being with someone who undermined me in many subtle ways every day. My confidence as a mother, an artist, an attractive woman and a human being has grown a lot and I feel much stronger and more sexy, somehow.

Wow! Me too! I just realized that recently. Took awhile to grieve and recover from the loss. Then there came a point where I realized I was a lot happier! Now I am realizing that I feel more confident and positive and even SEXY! I have NEVER felt that way before. I am having so much fun being single and talking to guys and suddenly I'm flirting! I have never known how to flirt. Now that I feel confident and sexy it just comes naturally. I feel like a different person.

[JohnnysGirl]

Hey all.

A summer of love.  I really want that.

This is hard for me to type out but.....I don't feel sure that Cucumber loves me.  It's been 11 months, and.... I just don't know if he loves me.   I'm thinking of a future with him, I'm taking such a gamble with my heart that I want to burst into tears from the sheer anxiety of being this vulnerable, after everything else that I've already been through, ........and he's floating along, cool as a cucumber, seemingly oblivious to my angst and hope and stress and love.  Has verbally expressed absolutely nothing about the two of us getting serious.

This could very well be because he is committed to me, relaxed & content with our wonderful relationship, and of course he sees a future with me and has no inkling that someone like me (seemingly confident and self assured) could be this insecure about anything, ....especially after all the time that has elapsed and all his actions, which, frankly, should speak loudly enough (he has explicitly expressed this concept before that he would like for me to allow his actions to speak for his lack of verbal prowess).

But without the words, .....I'm stressing that the real reason he is so unnervingly calm and content and relaxed is because he's....simply...... enjoying this..... and taking it one day at a time (GOD I'm jealous of those who just live in the present!) and is very fond of me but has not given the thought much consideration about whether he and I have a future or whether he does love me or ever could really love me or if he is even seeking for a great love in his life.  He's ......plotting what guitar to add to his collection and what new music studio equipment to add to his home studio.  But.... his dad is coming to town (Cucumber is very close with his father) and he and his father are going to go out to dinner with me and my children (Cucumber's dad has never met my kids).  Later in the summer his dad and stepmom are going to go abroad for the weekend with Cucumber and I.  Next week I'm going to a family gathering at his mother's farm a few hours away where his siblings (and their significant others) will be, and next month my kids are coming along with us,   for a few days to again visit Cucumber's mom's farm.  Cucumber is traveling thousands of miles in a few weeks to visit my mother and stepfather in the deep south.   

But...yet.......

How do you just ask, "Do you love me?"

"Do you see this working out?"

"Do you want to be a family together?"

I know now that I am sure about him.  Yes, he works too much, he's tongue tied with the emotional verbiage, he doesn't like to dress up, he is more antisocial than I am, we like different music, but ......I trust him and I admire him and his character, and I want a father figure like him for my children and I want to have his children.  Mostly, I just feel that the amazing, soothing smell and warm, ever-inviting feel of home is in the nook of his arm, and I want to snuggle up there every day.

God I'm emotional lately.  I'm ovulating and all I can think about is sex and babies.  With him.  And I can't date him casually anymore.  I'm scared to death about how much the fallout might hurt if this doesn't work out.  Do I even have the emotional reserves to survive it without being bitter on the other side?  Maybe this is the fear that everyone feels when they allow themselves to be vulnerable enough to really love someone and take that leap of faith?  Or maybe I'm just an emotionally broken and shattered person who isn't healthy enough for an emotionally balanced adult romantic relationship?  I have no clue.

[rubelin]

Butterfly - I'm going to be a little blunt about this because I think you are worth SO much more than you are getting. You NEED to ask him those questions. You've been making yourself crazy for nearly a year and, while it's understandable in the first few months to be unsure, you are now way past the point of needing to have this resolved. I think the only reason you haven't asked before now is because you are afraid that he isn't on the same page but that is just a crappy reason to ignore this. Honey, you are a freakin' rock star and you don't deserve to have anything less than someone who you KNOW adores you!! If he isn't your soulmate, it's time to go find the man that IS. If it really is everything you feel it is, then we will be here to toast your fabulous future together, and if he isn't your future husband, then we will be here with hugs and stiff drinks    Stop being a weenie

[hazeldust]

Man, i'm tearing up from the last two posts:-P Butterfly, I agree with Rubelin. I don't know how you waited this long(major self control, that is, lol). I know you are fearing this may be a tough conversation to have, but you are suffering now and it seems like with all the family stuff planned, you could very well be suffering needlessly. If it doesn't turn out like you want it to, you will get through it, and you can start the healing process, whereas right now you are in limbo(horrible place to be), and possibly getting deeper into a relationship that isn't the kind you are looking for. Be brave! You can do this

[hazeldust]

So there's this guy...I mentioned him in my last post, close to the beginning of this thread, we'll call him Daddi-O, cause he's rockabilly to the core. Backstory: I dated him for a few weeks about a year and a half ago. He has a daughter who is 11, I think, and she is just awesome. Well the timing was really bad because i was going through a MAJOR heartbreak(it had been less than two months), probably my first true 'I would be with you forever ' heartbreak, and Daddi-O is older(he was turning 40 the year we went out) and just came on really strong. I felt like he really wanted to move fast, and I remember deciding that i did want to get to know him, but I needed to take my time about it, and he'd already made up his mind about me. He'd been divorced for 3 years, after a longish marriage, and when I think back it was really kind of bad timing on both our parts. So basically he came on too strong and I was in that 'i'm f-ing fine, im totally ready to date, this isnt happening' post break up phase:-P So I broke it off. (While we were seeing each other, we had a few dates, and had a few kid dates too,and they really hit it off) I have only seen him once since then, last summer at a concert and I remember feeling like it was really good to see him(his daughter was there too). So anyways, he msgd me recently, commenting on one of my facebook photos, and since then we've been msging back and forth a little and I feel like I may want to date him again. I'm fantasizing, you know, like i am looking at all these things that make sense about us dating. We have alot in common. We both love rockabilly music and 50's culture. He is a great father(he and his ex do the 343 split i think). He has a good job but also has artistic dreams. He is close with his family, and also adventureous;(He recently used his vacation to tour with a local rockabilly band). When he was travelling he kept posting these pictures on facebook and I just started to think about him in a new way. And I feel like he wants to see me, but is holding back and waiting until I make a move, and for some reason that is fueling the fire. I feel like he is respecting the fact that since I broke it off with him, the ball is in my court. There is one thing big thing that is making me hesitate. I decided about a month ago that I am going to up and move across the country:-P Not till spring and I could change my mind, but my good friend is moving to California, and I need to get unstuck. I also need a partner and we decided we are going to live together and help each other out. I just don't have that here. And I feel this growing need to get out of my hometown for awhile(something i hadnt thougt possible until fairly recently). So what should I do? If I reach out to this guy and ask him to go out with me, should I tell him upfront about my plans? I feel like the situation could be a little delicate because of our history together but somehow it feels really right to reconnect with him. I feel like through fb, i have been able to stay just enough in touch to get a sense of where hes at and im getting the feeling it could be good.And I am open, you know? I really don't want anyone to change my mind about leaving, but love happens;-) (He has an rv and i am fantasizing about all of us going. I know im jumping the gun, but the possibility is there!) I think ive decided that i do want to see him, and that i should tell him about my plans, but should i tell him before we go out, or is it ok to let it come up as we're talking. I welcome any thoughts or advice:-)

[Devaya]

I have to agree with Rubelin, Butterflymom. I really hear your anguish on this as I have been in this place before...I honestly don't think I could stick out not asking 'the question' for near on a year though. As Rubelin said, we'll be here for you whatever happens! I know it's not easy.

I have a couple of dating site 'etiquette' questions, since I'm new to doing dating sites actively (was on them before, but got so little response that I never really had anything 'going on'). The one guy I'm having emails back and forth with, has only asked ONE question about me- my  name - all the rest is just answering my questions (not that I've been interrogating him or anything, just making normal conversation) and in quite a 'flat' way. Yet his first email (he initiated contact) was all 'wow, what an amazing profile you have, i really enjoyed reading it' etc. We seem to have a lot in common and he's said several things about his viewpoints on life that SO gel with me and my values, yet I'm not sure if he's really interested or not - it feels a bit one way. It's so hard for me to gauge these things in email format b/c I'm good at reading body language etc, and that's all absent of course. What do you ladies with more dating site experience think?

Also, if a guy messages you and you look at his profile and for some reason are not intersted, do you reply to him and say no thanks etc, or just ignore? I've done a mixture of both, and one guy who I said 'no thanks' to, then started this whole back and forth email thing with me which I stopped quite soon, I didn't see the point in getting to know him when I got certain vibes from him that I didn't like. I'm a bit of a polite people pleaser so it seems harsh to just ignore people, (unless they're obviously just creepy pervs!) but I'm prob being naive here!

[mimim]

Butterflymom, you've waited long enough on Cucumber. Is there a chance that you are putting off "the talk" with him because you are expecting to hear the answer that you don't want?

Devaya, I don't answer emails from guys who I'm not interested in, unless their message is really interesting. I'd like to reply to all the polite guys who just aren't my type, but I'm too lazy to keep up with that and lots of them take ANY response as encouragement. Also, I take replies that don't directly encourage a response with questions, etc, as a sign that there isn't too much interest.

I went with Philosophy Guy to a concert in the park on Sunday. The music, the crowd, the weather and everything else was really perfect and I had fun, but Philosophy Guy was kind of boring. I imagine that I will see him again sometime, but if I'm not looking forward to seeing him at this point, then I doubt this is going anywhere really. Oh well. It was exciting for like three days there.

[rubelin]

hazeldust, I would make sure to bring up plans like that in conversation, but not necessarily come right out and say it. Just don't hide it at all.

Devaya, I write back to anyone who sends a thoughtful note and that is actually a decent match, and, not surprising, guys who are a less than 70% match are the only ones who send stupid, "how R U, wanna chat?" types messages. The lame ones just get deleted but if there's an indication that they actually read my profile and really are interested but I don't share their interest, I will write back to say thank you but I don't think we are a good match, no other explanation because some guys will argue with you ('cause, yeah, that's the way to win the girl =P ). It helps to get a thicker skin if you're gonna do online dating =)

[hazeldust]

Originally Posted by rubelin 

Devaya, I write back to anyone who sends a thoughtful note and that is actually a decent match, and, not surprising, guys who are a less than 70% match are the only ones who send stupid, "how R U, wanna chat?" types messages. The lame ones just get deleted but if there's an indication that they actually read my profile and really are interested but I don't share their interest, I will write back to say thank you but I don't think we are a good match, no other explanation because some guys will argue with you ('cause, yeah, that's the way to win the girl =P ). It helps to get a thicker skin if you're gonna do online dating =)

I tried OKC for a little while, and went out on one date. It was nice but I was throw for a loop when we got to the end. It seemed like he wanted to kiss me, so I avoided that by hugging him(I just wasnt feeling it) Then he asked me if I wanted to go out again. I said sure, and then changed my mind(later, and let him know thru a msg.Im SUCH a wimp!). It was kind of weird because my profile stressed that I was looking for a serious partner, and his was the opposite, so I was under the impression that it was a very casual date. I guess its good to be very clear about what you want and expect. I got off after that because I realized I didnt know how to handle a situation like that, which, in retrospect makes me kind of a weenie.

On a different note, I've been texting with Daddi-O. I told him about my plans, and he told me that he is going to settle some land that his dad has, here, which I thought was totally awesome. It was weird because we msgd back and forth a bit and finally I asked him if he wanted to spend some time with me. He said he'd love to. But then he told me he is seeing someone out of town, and changed his mind. I know he is really taken with me, and I really want to get to know him. I think he was really excited to hear that I was wanting that, but I feel like ive inadvertently thrown this weird monkey wrench into his life. He told me he has to do some soul searching. I really really want to find someone to partner up with, and suddenly I am seeing him in a whole new way and seeing the possibilities. For now im just going to leave it alone.

[turtle2who]

So I have been trying to get into the Lounge to discuss some things that maybe aren't entirely appropriate for general viewing but I can't seem to figure out how to do that.

Anyway- I am on Match and Cupid. I've met 3 guys on Match that I actually cared enough to have email conversations with and now it seems like I just keep seeing the same guys recycled over and over again in search results. Ever since I decided that I was not going to take this too seriously but instead just chat and meet people and see what happens I have been really enjoying online dating!  I figure worst case I meet nobody compatible but I have something to do all summer just looking. Maybe I'll meet some nice people and find a hiking buddy or some new facebook friends- lol.

So anyway- Guy #1- Tennis Coach is a high school teacher and seems young and energetic but has never been married, no kids and doesn't seem to have much to talk about beyond work and tennis- LOL. He's also a self proclaimed preppy. Doesn't seem to be my "type" really. But he's nice and I'll probably meet him if I'm still looking in August. He spends his summer in Florida so he won't be around again until then. 

Guy #2- Respectable Dad- is in Real Estate and has two pre-teenagers. Lives out in the country and is very busy. His kids live with him and visit their mom so he is very hard to meet up with! we have been talking for a couple of weeks and want to meet but have not been able to yet. I really liked him at first- he's very active- bikes, runs, works out and cooks and cleans! LOL But the more I talk to him the more unsure I get. I am a firm believer in meeting quickly. Talk for a week then if there's interest- get together. Because communication by email and texts is too easy to misunderstand or misinterpret. And frankly I just don't want to waste time chatting with someone forever who I may not even be interested in at all after we meet. But anyway- I would meet him too if ever we can find a time when neither of us have the kids.

Now we get to #3- Bad Boy- never have I gone for this type before. Drives a big truck, tattoos, watches Nascar every Sunday- lol. His photos drew me in- really looking hot in one but like a regular guy/dad in all the rest. So we winked at each other and chatted for a few days. The conversation got very personal at one point and then we started flirting. On a whim we decided to meet on a Friday night at 10 pm- yikes! And that was the beginning of the end.  We've been seeing each other ever since but only for sex really. We chat by text now and then- sometimes just about our days but often about our plans for each other next time we meet. When conversation turns to other things he is actually kind of boring- but that could be the texting more than him- because when we're together and talk I don't think he's boring- lol. And when we're together- fireworks! I have never done anything like this before ladies- EVER. I feel like someone else has taken over my body- it's so strange- so out of character for me that I don't think friends or family would believe me if I told them. I wouldn't believe me! This is a side of myself I didn't know existed. In fact I don't think it DID exist until recently. And I am just having fun. Open to whatever comes. He seems to have the same expectations- or lack of expectations. I do hope to find LOVE though. I read other's posts about being in love or really feeling they love someone and I really want that again.  So I am still looking- but just having a little fun while doing it. I'm going to see him again tonight- a REAL date this time. We are going out to dinner- we'll see if we can actually carry on a conversation- lol.

Anyway- I'm too embarrassed to tell my friends or family about this so I am confessing it here! They don't even know I'm doing the online dating thing. I did tell my therapist and a coworker- not about the sex but about the dating. So thanks for letting me confess here!

[rubelin]

Woo Turtle   fun is good, just be careful (I get really fertile when I'm gettin' it on a lot!)

Tonight, in anticipation of my 40th bday tomorrow, I am attending a "Manifest Your Soulmate" seminar. Should be fun and hopefully will help me stay in a happy, hopeful, lovey state

[turtle2who]

Ha ha ha- thanks for the concern Rubelin. We are safe and pregnancy is the last thing I am worried about. He is snipped and I haven't been able to stay pregnant since I had my son. I guess I could still GET pregnant though and the miscarriage would disrupt things a bit- if we weren't being safe, and he wasn't snipped.

Anyway- it has been fun but I think I'm getting close to being done with it. We went on a real date last night and I found myself totally bored by him. It was a bit of a turn off- lol.

Respectable Dad sent me his phone # yesterday and we texted a bit. He suggested we meet this morning for coffee but we both went out last night and have busy days and left it open to playing it by ear.

Manifest your soulmate? That sounds cool. Where did you hear about that?

[mimim]

Happy Birthday, Robin!!!! Manifest a soulmate for me too!

Turtle, are you going to stop seeing Mr. Sexy now that you know you don't like him on a non-physical level or wait until the sex gets as boring as his personality?

I half-heartedly agreed to go out with Philosophy Guy again tonight, but I'm thinking about canceling. I'm just not in the mood to hang out with him. He makes me carry the whole conversation. I think he used up all his talking points the night we first met. He's nice, cute, we seem to share enough values and interests, and lives 6 blocks away, but I have no passion for him at all. He texted me a few minutes ago to say good morning and my automatic reaction was: I feel like such a bitch for wanting to blow him off. I know I'm too picky and should give him a chance, but I'm starting to resent the effort I'm putting into this.

[mimim]

Oh, and Robin? Will you teach me how to manifest Jeremy Scahill? He's my ideal man. Except that he lives in New York. Pout.

Anybody else have an example of your ideal?

[rubelin]

So, the seminar was put on by my friend, Kathryn Alice, who is a "love guru". She has a book called "Love Will Find You" and does these seminars (mostly teleseminars nowadays) on finding your soulmate, dating for your soulmate, deliberate creation, etc. Her book is pretty cool and I've done a bunch of her other teleseminars but she's back home for the summer and only doing a few seminars while she's here and I wanted some in person stuff to give me a good trajectory to staying hopeful and happy about this dating stuff. It was really lovely to see her and it was a great energy in the room with about 100 other people (90% women in this one but she said the Dating one in a couple weeks is more balanced, don't know if I'll do that one yet). Anyway, you can check out her stuff on her website http://kathrynalice.com  She teaches in different cities and also has some certified coaches that work with her (though I think she's the best) . I've got some recordings of free programs she's done - pm me with your email address and I can send them along. I listen to her guided meditations often, they've really helped me get out of my bad funks this last year.

Molly, it only works to manifest your own soulmate, silly. Unfortunately, you don't get to order up someone specific, but it's good to look at those you are naturally attracted to, since there is definitely something to that.

my "ideal" is Jason Segal, but he's probably not really right for me at all (besides that he's 10 yrs younger). I started a folder of pics of actors I'm attracted to, just to give me some ideas about what I'm looking for. I also have a list of all the traits my soulmate will have, and one of the things he will love about me, since knowing what a catch you are is the most important part