asked not to "NIP," WWYD?

[Intoit]

I've been invited to attend a casual dinner event at a place where there are people in addiction recovery. I was BF'ing my 12 day old NB there months ago and asked not to BF in the open again, due to there being male adults in recovery that might see what I was doing. Their rule is no relationships so no sex and "even being able to have the idea that there is a boob possibly exposed will make them crazy/uncomfortable/they have hormones."

I have some friends that will be very disappointed if I don't attend and there will be a lot of friends and family members as well. LO (he's 4 mos and I've never pumped/used a bottle) will definitely want to nurse, probably most of the time. It's going to be late afternoon/early evening, DS's prime time to tank up for hours before he conks out for the night. My only wrap is too short for him to nurse while I wear him. He hates being covered, and it's going to be a bunch of people crammed into a small area without AC anyway, I won't make him uncomfortable like that. I also refuse to go to the bathroom or sequester myself in a hallway to feed my child.

I know I need a stronger spine (working on that one), but I don't want to upset anyone there and I am not sure how well I would handle a confrontation if someone said something to me when I was feeding my babe, since "I was already asked not to." I and my child are the ones being disrespected in this situation. All I can come up with is to try and find an out-of-the-way seat so I can keep the lowest profile possible and hopefully no one will say anything, but I have people that will want me to sit with them so that probably won't be possible. I am thinking about skipping this event altogether so I don't have to worry about the situation at all, my LO is worth more to me than that fuss. I am not ashamed to NIP and do so as needed all the time, it just bothers me that too many prefer to perpetuate a sick perversion of feeding a child than to consider what is normal and healthy for a baby.

Is there a perspective I am missing? Any advice to deal with this? TIA

[Katwoman]

I am sorry you're in this situation - pressure from your family/friends to go no matter what, having a small babe to care for.  It's hard to feel pulled in so many different directions.

Since you asked, a different perspective is, you're going to be in a room full of people that don't have the "average" take on a situation.  Being in recovery is HARD.  (I admit I have made some assumptions in order to put this perspective together.)  Those closed meetings are supposed to be supporting the person in recovery.  If the person in recovery truly does have a problem with sexuality, in support meetings, they should be in an environment that allows them to work on themselves and become the people they are striving to be. 

Your babe does have a right to eat any where.  At the same time, as compassionate people, we should be supportive of other human beings too.  (My advice would be totally different if you were going to a dinner party.)

[Greenlea]

Unless you are going to a place where sex addicts are recovering, I don't see why a breastfeeding mom would bother these men.  It is NOT a sexual act and I'm sure you can cover enough of your breast so that no one will even know what you are doing.  Its not like we have our boobies hanging out "free-balling" it for the public to see when we breastfeed.

However, since you have already been asked not to NIP there, you may be in a quandry.  You can either go and possibly get yelled at / kicked out for nursing or not go and not think twice about it.  As much as your friends may need your support, your baby needs to eat more.  And yes, while your baby can possibly take a bottle, like you said, it will at a time when your baby needs to eat constantly before going to bed.  I totally understand that.  While my family / friends have been supportive of me breastfeeding, I feel like they expect me to just give a bottle whenever nursing becomes "inconvenient" (like in your situation) and I really don't want to, and dont.

[chel]

So is it a recovery event? I would skip the event or go without the baby (I've never lived with close friends or family around when I had infants, so I never left my infants, but could see myself doing it if I had the right person watching).
While I know there are people in recovery everywhere, if the event is more for them than the general population, I would respect their wishes.

[Intoit]

Originally Posted by Katwoman 

Since you asked, a different perspective is, you're going to be in a room full of people that don't have the "average" take on a situation.  Being in recovery is HARD.  (I admit I have made some assumptions in order to put this perspective together.)  Those closed meetings are supposed to be supporting the person in recovery.  If the person in recovery truly does have a problem with sexuality, in support meetings, they should be in an environment that allows them to work on themselves and become the people they are striving to be. 

Your babe does have a right to eat any where.  At the same time, as compassionate people, we should be supportive of other human beings too.  (My advice would be totally different if you were going to a dinner party.)

Originally Posted by chel 

 While I know there are people in recovery everywhere, if the event is more for them than the general population, I would respect their wishes.

This exactly... It makes me feel like I am being disrespectful if I decide to nurse in th open, no matter how low key and not-noticeable we are. At the same time I feel like it *shouldn't* be a problem, since while nursing we are fully covered. It's a very large "open" meeting with a primary focus on the attendance of friends and family of the participants, but still a meeting nonetheless, they will be serving a dinner before hand.

I just was able to talk to my "inviter", I'm thinking I will at least try to go and get an out-of-the-way corner seat at a table, we don't think this will be an issue then if LO has to eat. It'll probably be only females right around me while eating, so no biggie if they have to bite their cheek. If I have to leave (my own free will, not by getting kicked out) at least I made an attempt to attend.

Edited by Intoit - 6/6/11 at 9:47am

[Intoit]

Originally Posted by Greenlea 

Unless you are going to a place where sex addicts are recovering, I don't see why a breastfeeding mom would bother these men.  It is NOT a sexual act and I'm sure you can cover enough of your breast so that no one will even know what you are doing.  Its not like we have our boobies hanging out "free-balling" it for the public to see when we breastfeed.

[...]. I feel like they expect me to just give a bottle whenever nursing becomes "inconvenient" (like in your situation) and I really don't want to, and dont.

I totally feel the same way. As far as the guys go, it's because a few of them are "too immature" to see a woman BF'ing. Honestly, I think the females there have much more problem with it, a couple girls freely voiced their disapproval (and they have babies too *sigh*)

ETA... I should have mentioned, it's not a sex addicts meeting, it's AA/NA based

Edited by Intoit - 6/6/11 at 9:50am

[holothuroidea]

Before I say anything, I have close family members who are a part of this program, so I do have an idea of what you/they are going through.

Ask yourself whether this has anything to do with breastfeeding. They are going through difficult times, and they could be shoving some of their guilt and responsibility on to you. You are not responsible for their "immaturity," or (more accurately) their inability to cope. If they really had a problem with breastfeeding you should not have been invited. If they invite you, then they invite your boobs and whatever you are going to do with them as well. They know that. 

People here have talked about how we need to respect the limits of people in recovery. Of course we do! That does not mean granting every unreasonable request they have. "Come to our dinner but do not feed your child" is a very unreasonable request.

The only person you have a chance of disrespecting in this situation is yourself. Don't let them walk on you just because they are ill. 

ETA.. Your title asks "WWYD." If my MIL invited me to dinner after having told me that I can't nurse in her dining room, I would feel completely set up. I would not play that game, I wouldn't go.

[Intoit]

holothuroidea - thank you for sharing, you post is very sensible! I'm going to hold my breath lightly and attempt this tonight. I feel like this is more of a NIP issue with the comments that have been made regarding me feeding my baby. And I do feel a little like I am getting set up, although I am sure no one is trying to be intentionally devious. They know I have a young EBF infant but still want me to attend. I am fully prepared to leave over the matter if it comes down to it, although it makes me a little sad that things have to be "that way."

[holothuroidea]

If it is truly a NIP problem, then the fact that they are recovering is irrelevant. And it's THEIR problem, not yours!! It's like saying, "I have allergies, make me a sandwich because I'm too sneezy to open the mayonnaise!"

I know people that have invited me to things and then got all uppity when I nursed my baby even though they knew that I was breastfeeding. I said to them that if they get me, then they get my baby and she gets my boobs. It's a package deal!!

Good luck, and lots of hugs to you. It is never easy.

[BananaBreadGirl]

Who is asking you not to nurse? Someone in charge of the meeting? A random person assigned to inviting you? 

A normal dress shirt "displays" the shape of female breasts as much or more so than nursing, are they going to ask all the females to wear bulky sweatshirts? To not sit by their spouses so people don't think about relationships and sex? Of course not! Seeing normally dressed women (in attire appropriate for a dinner at least) and couples in healthy relationships is not out of line, and neither is seeing nursing.

Will anyone be able to tell if you are nursing your baby or if he is just sleepy and cuddling?

[sharita]

Maybe you could ask to use a private room or office when bbaby needs to nurse.

[PatioGardener]

I wouldn't go. At 4 months my little guy needed to nurse when he needed to nurse, so if we weren't welcome as a nursing dyad I wouldn't go. I don't need any more stress in my life!

Sorry you are in this position!

[Llyra]

Honestly, it sounds like a situation that would be really difficult to manage, even if you could nurse openly-- small room, no AC. What happens if baby is fussy and needs to be walked around, or something? I don't think I'd go, and if anybody was disappointed, I'd explain that it would be too much for the baby. I've had to turn down more than a few invitations, because of the hours or the situation being too much for my kids-- that's not an unusual thing, and anybody who gets upset at it is the one with the problem.

[ElliesMomma]

this was a week old thread that resurfaced. i think the even happened last week -- OP, how did it turn out??

[Llyra]

Originally Posted by ElliesMomma 

this was a week old thread that resurfaced. i think the even happened last week -- OP, how did it turn out??

Woops. I didn't even notice. I hope, OP, that everything worked out for the best.

[Intoit]

thank you for all the wonderful replies, ladies!

I ended up going, and it was awful sweltering hot as I suspected it would be, just a couple of fans in a room filled with people and a buffet table with sterno burners going on one side. I made a new wrap to carry my LO in with the intention I would be able to nurse him more discreetly. Ha, that sure didn't happen with as hot as it was. I popped out LO and removed the wrap from my body as soon as I got there! 

I left early, sweat was just pouring off the baby and there was so much going on around us he was too distracted to stay latched on, and he was getting antsy due to being tired. If anybody noticed me nursing, they didn't say anything in my earshot, and I think the only other people sitting in the row behind me were some other guests. All in all it was an OK venture out.