what a weekend!

[LadybugMamma]

so i went to several BBQs this weekend, its the first nice weather we have had all spring.

At the BBQ Saturday, there were 2 other EBFing, Cosleeping, babywearing, AP moms of 2-4 month olds there and 2 of us already cloth diapered and the other intends to when she runs out of the free diapers she got at her shower. What a breath of fresh air to meet and hang out with other like minded moms! It felt very empowering to all sit around together nursing our babies, talking about our values and opinions and venting about how we handle when people disagree with our choices.

Then Sunday, I go to one BBQ and theres a 14-18 month old running around eating doritos and drinking coke. UHG just seeing her made me want to nurse my baby. At least I was commended for cloth diapering by an older-ish woman who did day care. At least one mom yelled (from the smoking area) to her kid that if she eats too much of the pinata candy she couldnt have cake.

Then at later BBQ Sunday, my 20 month old neice literally has 2 sippy cups of juice, at the same time, like one in each hand, well i think one was juice and one was crystal light! Her 6 week old baby sister was left in her car seat until my husband picked her up when she squirmed. He was handed a bottle of formula and i was so proud that I had to tell him how to hold her and it. (not that im opposed to dads feeding babies, it just reminded me how Im glad that I havent needed to give our 3.5 month old a bottle) My neice's mom asked how sleeping was going and I was happy to be genuinely happy with how well we sleep, since we sleep together and I dont have to get up to make a bottle at night. She seemed shocked that we sleep so well. As I was wearing my neice in my daughter's Moby, my mom said "thats nice when you have to hold her but it gets her used to being carried all the time" I really need to be prepared with some snappy comeback to her comments. Also, I was telling a story that i was calling Ellie's name and she was looking, like the 6th time i said  "banana" and she looked, so i joked that shes not a banana, my mom said well shes ready for bananas. I said no, shes got a while before shes ready for bananas.

So anyhow, I just experienced one end of the spectrum to the other.

something that i have been working on, is NOT passing judgement on others who have such different values than I, and trying not to feel superior to them for the choices that I make. Its really something that I dislike, I want to stop judging because I know that breastfeeding can be hard for some, and cloth diapering really wouldnt work well for people who have to go to laundrymat, and that not everyone has taken early childhood education classes. Specifically with my neice, I just wish I could preach and preach my opnions and convert them, but instead i just try to lead by example, and show what i see as positive in my choices so they will see the options they have.

How do you find peace and avoid being judgemental when you are faced with other parents who differ from your ideals?

[Adaline'sMama]

I want to tell you gently, you need to work harder at your goal of being non judgmental.

I cloth diaper, nurse, babywear, selectively vax, cosleep, use organic almost everything and am what a lot of people would consider "crunchy." My kid has had juice, french fries, doritos, and a million other things. 14-18 month olds arent just going to be happy sitting in mommy's lap nursing at a BBQ most of the time. They want to GO.They want to whine, they want everything you are eating. I still nurse my 15 month old all day and night long but when we are eating in public, she wants what I have, not my milk.

Do you have any idea why the baby who had a bottle was formula fed? There are tons of women who have to FF for reasons you may not know about. Maybe she has a low supply, maybe she has to work and her breast pump sucks, maybe she has some emotional issues about her body that make her feel uncomfortable. You just never know.

If you saw my kid drinking out of sippy cup, you might think she is drinking juice, but really its Naked smoothie and half water. But its not going to kill a 20 month old to have juice. I have never met anyone who took early childhood education classes just so they could parent.

I gave mine banannas at 5 months and she nurses like a champ. Lots of people do it at 4 months.

If you want to know how to be less judgmental here are a few tips:
1. Dont assume that what people are doing in public is what they do all day long. (they might be appeasing their kid at the bbq so that they get that one adult converstion theyve been waiting for all week. Not everyone wants to talk about diapers everytime they hang out with grownups)

2. They are only babies for a little while, then you have to figure out how to parent that doesnt involve nursing, cosleeping, cloth diapers, ect. (all the obvious ways that you are AP)

3. Realize that it takes all kinds to make the world go round. You can disagree with them all you want to, but how boring would it be if EVERYONE did the same thing?


I know its hard to be a new mom and think that everyone should be doing everything just like you, but you have to realize that there are a lot of people that dont have the time to research everything as well as you have. 3.5 months is not a very long time to be a parent, you will soon learn that there are a million different ways to do it and no one way is right. Congrats on your baby!

[LadybugMamma]

you are absolutley right. and i genuinely really appriciate your tips on how to cut out the judgeing. I especially agree with the comment that what they do all day isnt the same as in public. as for my 20 month neice, i know her parents feed her junk all the time and she has a sippy all day. being judgemental isnt going to do either of us any good. as for the formula fed neice, her mom didnt try to nurse, but that is her choice as a mom, and frankly knowing her, its probably for the better.

And i know very well that many moms try very hard to breastfeed and arent able to, I have some close friends who did their best. I dont tend to judge people for FFing, I just want whats best for for my neice and her mom didnt even try. I dont know her emotional well being or if that had something to do with it, very possibly it did. I am trying to quit judging her, i am.

I am trying not to judge every parent, that is why i came here, because it was a challenging weekend to practice not judging, and i wanted some insight from similar minded, more experienced moms. I do find that i judge less when its strangers, like the 14-18 month old friend of a friend, because i dont know the situation, and care less, but when i see my family i care  more.

and no, early childhood ed classes arent nessesary to be a great parent, but i took the classes as part of earning a degree for a career, and use a lot of what i learned as i parent.

I am in no way disillusioned to think i am superior or even know what im doing most of the time.

as for your comment about the kids at the BBQ, I appriciate the point youre making, i was actually wondering yesterday, how i would handle having a toddler who is eating, who will want to eat all the junk, at a BBQ and i did come to the conclusion that i will simply have to pick my battles and feed my child(ren) healthy as much as i can, and not stress when its not practical.

as for the bananas, it will likely be one of her first foods, when she is ready, I felt like i needed to make the comment to my mom so i can feel like i showed her that i am confident in how/when/what to feed my baby, she, as with many moms i am sure, has opinions and values that differ from mine and from the beginning i want her to know that I will be making the food choices for my baby. (as much as i can as long as i can)

I am genuinely thankful for your response, it does help.
 

Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama 

I want to tell you gently, you need to work harder at your goal of being non judgmental.

I cloth diaper, nurse, babywear, selectively vax, cosleep, use organic almost everything and am what a lot of people would consider "crunchy." My kid has had juice, french fries, doritos, and a million other things. 14-18 month olds arent just going to be happy sitting in mommy's lap nursing at a BBQ most of the time. They want to GO.They want to whine, they want everything you are eating. I still nurse my 15 month old all day and night long but when we are eating in public, she wants what I have, not my milk.

Do you have any idea why the baby who had a bottle was formula fed? There are tons of women who have to FF for reasons you may not know about. Maybe she has a low supply, maybe she has to work and her breast pump sucks, maybe she has some emotional issues about her body that make her feel uncomfortable. You just never know.

If you saw my kid drinking out of sippy cup, you might think she is drinking juice, but really its Naked smoothie and half water. But its not going to kill a 20 month old to have juice. I have never met anyone who took early childhood education classes just so they could parent.

I gave mine banannas at 5 months and she nurses like a champ. Lots of people do it at 4 months.

If you want to know how to be less judgmental here are a few tips:
1. Dont assume that what people are doing in public is what they do all day long. (they might be appeasing their kid at the bbq so that they get that one adult converstion theyve been waiting for all week. Not everyone wants to talk about diapers everytime they hang out with grownups)

2. They are only babies for a little while, then you have to figure out how to parent that doesnt involve nursing, cosleeping, cloth diapers, ect. (all the obvious ways that you are AP)

3. Realize that it takes all kinds to make the world go round. You can disagree with them all you want to, but how boring would it be if EVERYONE did the same thing?


I know its hard to be a new mom and think that everyone should be doing everything just like you, but you have to realize that there are a lot of people that dont have the time to research everything as well as you have. 3.5 months is not a very long time to be a parent, you will soon learn that there are a million different ways to do it and no one way is right. Congrats on your baby!

[LessTraveledBy]

For what it is worth, I felt very similarly to you when our dd was little. TBH, I still do in many of these matters. Dd never "had to have" junk food anywhere, etc., but of course that might be a matter of personality.

As we are being prepared to do short term foster care for babies, I must say I have been delevoping a sense of humor about all this. I nursed our dd until she was close to 4. Soon, if all goes as hoped, I will be sitting somewhere, bottle feeding. Imagine the thoughts that will go through the head of the poeple who see me... I welcome the judgment. I think I have matured enough not to need a sign on my forehead saying "not my kid" or something...

I suppose there is a bif difference between judging action and judging people. A particular action may not be beneficial to the baby but we cannot know why the parent has chosen it. There may well be a good reason to do just that. And yet, the world will always have uninformed parents, bad parents, etc. Judging them, whether actions or people is not really helpful, either, unless it causes us to act in a positive way.

Don't be too hard on yourself, OP. Those new baby hormones are a wonderful thing. Things will start to look a bit less important with more time. (Though just a bit, if you are like me.)

[cristina47454]

You know how I dealt? I had more kids. LOL.

I was totally idealistic with my first. We exclusively nursed until she was over 1 year old (and she is a fantastic eater at the age of 9), when we did introduce solids, it was only organic. We coslept.  Didn't cloth diaper, bcs at the time, somehow, I just didn't know about it.

But, what I learned, time and time again, is that every time I would say "I would NEVER", I ended up in a situation where suddenly, guess what? I would. Not with the first.  But with the second and third. Baby #2 was cranky cranky cranky.  Suddenly, a schedule and a night time routine were necessary.  She hated sleeping with me and would toss and turn all night unless she was in her crib (which was in our room for the first several months). Baby # 3 (now almost 3yo) had a TERRIBLE time nursing. Her latch was off.  It was PAINFUL, I was engorged ALL the time.  I met with lactation consultants.  Mind you, I had already nursed two other babies for over 15 months each.  If she had been my first experience, I'm afraid I would have thrown in the towel. Life throws curveballs. Sometimes you just do the best you can do.

ANd for all my healthy intentions, my kids all go a little nuts for the junk food at BBQs. I feed them well at home, and when they are out in the world I am not going to police them the entire time.  They usu. make healthy choices and if they are going overboard a gentle reminder is usu all that is needed (but they are older at this point). We don't watch tv or do video games at home either, but at my brother's house we don't not allow them to watch tv with their cousins (as long as it is age appropriate). As they get older they are going to have to know how to coexist with people that do things differently than they do. 

[crunchy_mommy]

Here is what has helped me judge less (though it's an on-going process!!)

-Being seriously sleep-deprived, because even though we co-sleep & nurse side-lying, my DS woke up every 20mins until he was 2.
-Struggling with BF'ing. We never gave up, we never turned to bottles, but I had to fight everyone around me AND myself lol... so I certainly can see why some people might give up or not even bother trying in the first place!
-Making my own mistakes due to not being 'educated' enough -- for ex., DS is circ'ed huge mistake which I really regret, but at the time, I thought I was doing what was best for him... I can only imagine that other parents are doing exactly the same, you can't really fault someone for doing what they feel is best, even if they're 'wrong' in the end.
-Having to make lots of compromises while out & about. DS has never had doritos or soda, but there are other things he's had that I would have prefer he didn't -- mostly because at some point you realize you can't deny them EVERYTHING that their friends are enjoying, so you have to give in somewhere so they don't grow to resent you or something!!
-Having a high-needs kid and discovering that even the best efforts to parent in an "AP" way would not guarantee that I'd have a calm & happy child.
-Having financial struggles & DH getting laid off and not being able to afford 100% organic food or wonderful natural toys...

There's more, but maybe you get my drift?? In a way, I guess I was lucky that my first (and so far ONLY!) kiddo is so difficult, because if I had a calm, happy, healthy kid I totally would have been that mom who felt sooo superior because I did everything right, you know?? It's quite humbling to realize our kids are their own people and we only have a small amount of 'control' over them...

[springmama]

What helps for me is to realize that the majority of parents are doing the best they can. To be honest when your 1st babe is a young infant it is really easy to make all of the choices you want for them and your lifestyle but that changes as your child grows and especially if/when you have more babies. It's hard to see it sometimes but everyone's life cirumstances effect the choices they make for their kids and you just have to keep in mind where they are coming from. I vowed never to feed my kids dairy and meat, until my second pregnancy caused me to crave it night and day and I birthed a 9lb carnivore, your circumstances change and sometimes you have to give a little and realize that you are still doing a great job. It is a challenge to be around others who view your AP choices as weird but I have found that if you just kindly reiterate that you are doing what's best for your family people tend to back off.

[Caneel]

Originally Posted by cristina47454 

You know how I dealt? I had more kids. LOL.

I was totally idealistic with my first. We exclusively nursed until she was over 1 year old (and she is a fantastic eater at the age of 9), when we did introduce solids, it was only organic. We coslept.  Didn't cloth diaper, bcs at the time, somehow, I just didn't know about it.

But, what I learned, time and time again, is that every time I would say "I would NEVER", I ended up in a situation where suddenly, guess what? I would. Not with the first.  But with the second and third. Baby #2 was cranky cranky cranky.  Suddenly, a schedule and a night time routine were necessary.  She hated sleeping with me and would toss and turn all night unless she was in her crib (which was in our room for the first several months). Baby # 3 (now almost 3yo) had a TERRIBLE time nursing. Her latch was off.  It was PAINFUL, I was engorged ALL the time.  I met with lactation consultants.  Mind you, I had already nursed two other babies for over 15 months each.  If she had been my first experience, I'm afraid I would have thrown in the towel. Life throws curveballs. Sometimes you just do the best you can do.

ANd for all my healthy intentions, my kids all go a little nuts for the junk food at BBQs. I feed them well at home, and when they are out in the world I am not going to police them the entire time.  They usu. make healthy choices and if they are going overboard a gentle reminder is usu all that is needed (but they are older at this point). We don't watch tv or do video games at home either, but at my brother's house we don't not allow them to watch tv with their cousins (as long as it is age appropriate). As they get older they are going to have to know how to coexist with people that do things differently than they do. 

The bold made me laugh out loud.

We only have one child (not by choice) and my DH could have written the OP's post.  I agree that it is easy with one infant and a super-involved partner to look down upon other people's parenting. 

I remember one party in particular when he shared his opinions on sippy cups with a group of moms.  One said "you are a new dad of an only child, aren't you?"