Open v. Closed Adoption

[CrunchyChristianMama]

As we are just starting the adoption journey, I would love to have some open discussion about this.  I see a ton of pro-open adoption things out there, and find myself definitely leaning that way.

Then this week I read these 2 articles that are making me think some more about it.

http://foundyourmittens.blogspot.com/2011/05/open-adoption-not-objective-view.html

http://campbellscoup.blogspot.com/2011/05/you-think-thats-not-objective.html

I find the ladies in this forum to be so incredibly insightful for me that I would love to hear your opinions and discuss some things.

[excitedtobeamom]

We are in an "new" open adoption as our son is only 9 weeks.  Birthmom wanted a closed adoption at first but then changed her mind after meeting us.  I send pictures once or twice a week by email and we have met once a month so far with both birthparents and his sibling all together.  Birthmom says it really helps to see him growing healthy and happy.  She doesn't have to wonder.  What kind of questions do you have?  I think we were all more comfortable once we met with the idea of an open adoption.  We first met when our son was 5 hours old although we did talk on the phone the night before.  Our agency is very pro-open adoption and we draw up a covenant as to how often we plan to email, call, meet, etc.  It is very detailed as to who can come to the meetings etc.

I don't see any pros to a closed adoption unless the birthparents are dangerous or not in a "healthy" place in life.

[excitedtobeamom]

Wow, those articles are an interesting read.  There are birthparents who are going to place children for adoption no matter what (open or closed).  In our case they came wanting closed but after meeting us agreed to more openess.  I can't see that as anything but good. 

[Polliwog]

We've got an open-adoption after foster care relationship with my son's birth family. It's been a good thing for us. In fact, DS and DD (not her bio-child) and DS's bio sister were in his birth mother's wedding this weekend. I'm so glad to see that she's doing well, is happy, and her youngest daughter looks happy and well cared for. Seeing her doing so well will probably cause lots of questions in the future but for now, the kids are happy to see her and don't have any memories of anything bad. We'll just take one day at at time.

[sesa70]

I have both, an open and a closed adoption. I think each situation has its good and bad... but ultimately most of the time the decision about openness lies with the birthparents and what they envision. Both of my children through adoption are young though, five and a half years and four months, so I know much can change in the later years. Do you have any specific questions about either situation?

[CrunchyChristianMama]

We are still thinking we will do an open adoption; I had just never thought of it from the angles to two articles brought up.  It gave me something to think about.  If nothing else, it made me realize that we may need to help our child understand that aspect of their life if they watch their birthmom go on to have subsequent children that she decides to parent.  I'm sure there will be some "why not me then?" issues whether they are voiced or not.

[Tigerchild]

Originally Posted by CrunchyChristianMama 

We are still thinking we will do an open adoption; I had just never thought of it from the angles to two articles brought up.  It gave me something to think about.  If nothing else, it made me realize that we may need to help our child understand that aspect of their life if they watch their birthmom go on to have subsequent children that she decides to parent.  I'm sure there will be some "why not me then?" issues whether they are voiced or not.

You need to do that even in an international or closed adoption.  Most adoptees DO at least go through some phase of "why not me", it lingers/presents more strongly in some more than in others.  Especially, IME, when the adoptee goes on to think (or to have) about children of their own.

You're not going to be able to help a child understand why they were given up, truly;  you're not the person who can answer those questions..  All the explanations in the world will not soothe an adoptee who is sensitive to that, for whatever reason.
 

[MrsH]

I agree with the comments on the blogs about it being like a 1000 little cuts, or a bandage continually being ripped off the wound.  However, parenting two children in a very open adoption (we see the mom every 3 weeks and speak with both parents on the phone every week), I think in some ways the information is good for them.  They love spending time with their birth parents, and mostly don't mind the phonecalls.  It helps when we can do videochats on skype.  It keeps the whole adoption thing as an ongoing conversation in our family.  We do all have therapy by wonderfully competent counselors, who specifically know the world of adoption very well.  A few cons are:

1. it's so hard when the parents' crappy life scenarios end up hurting our kids.  Things like a parent missing a visit, or the fact that neither of them called my eldest daughter for her birthday today.  It clearly hurts.
2. the boundaries between us and the birth parents get a bit murky.  Whenever there is a major transition, those have to be re-established.  It's hard to say "no" all the time, and yet I know in my gut that the "no" is appropriate.  It's really hard work.
3. It's very hard to share the parenting role.  To be at the season's first soccer game and have their birthmom there, chatting with other parents as if my daughter is still her daughter... It's hard to not feel competitive when she sends a better gift, or when my daughter wants her "mommy, but not you!" 

At the same time, I think it's super important that this adoption remain open.  As for my first point above, I believe it helps our children to see that their birth parents were truly not able to parent.  They can't even reliably visit, let alone parent full-time.  We don't point that out directly, but the kids know.  At the same time they do get that relationship, they know that when their parents do make it, they're lovely people.  They know they came from "good" people, and I hope that once they make the connection that they genetically came from those people, it will help my kids to know that they, too, are "good."  My kids fantasize about what could have been, but it sounds to me like most adoptive kids do that.  We do have big feelings usually before and after birth parent visits.  It comes and goes in waves - for a while it'll be one, then the other for a few months. 

The other two big "cons" for me are actually not at all child-related, they're all about me as a parent.  And since I see the obvious benefits that my children get from knowing their birth parents, I know that I just have to deal with those things myself. 

I don't know if this post made any sense, but I really believe in our open adoption and I see it as clearly a better option for my kids than a closed adoption would have been. 

[Smithie]

Very interesting blog posts, thanks for sharing! 

Since we're planning an older-child adoption from foster care, the "open" question feels a little bit different to us. Our adopted child will know who his birth family is, and they probably won't have "exiled" him - he'll probably have been taken away by the state. "Why was I adopted?" is not going to be a question that lacks for an answer - although I'm sure it will be a long hard road learning how to live with that answer. So the real question for us is about ongoing contact - which I don't think we'll allow. We might send pictures to some relatives, if it's requested. But fundamentally, I'm not OK with an exchange of identifying details, because I want my child to be able to choose, when he's an adult who has really had time to emotionally process the bad things that happened to him in early childhood, whether or not to pursue contact and who to pursue it with. If everybody in his biofamily knows his new last name, he loses that option. (Thank you, Facebook.) 

In the case of an infant adoption (private or foster-adopt), I'd feel like I had a lot more leeway to explore ongoing contact while still protecting my child. If I could get to know biomom (or biodad or biograndma or whoever wanted contact) for a couple of years before my child was old enough to understand that these folks were anything but family friends, I think I would try to make a success of that relationship and have them truly BECOME family friends who would always be a part of my child's life. Yes, it might hurt my child to constantly be confronting the fact that his biomom had kept other babies but given him up - or it might seem like the natural order of the Universe to him, because obviously those other kids are HER babies, and he is MY baby. I think either reaction is possible, as well as everything in between.