Issue within vegetarian family...would just like an outside opinion

[winnie]

I hope this is the best place to put this...I want to hear from other vegans/vegetarians, although it's not entirely about food...

When my partner and I met, I was not vegetarian. He had been between vegan and vegetarian for about 10 years already. As we spent more time together, I naturally just ate meat less often, and eventually was not eating it at all. I continued to eat eggs, but once we lived together I basically quit because he didn't want them in the house. When we were expecting our first, he didn't want me eating eggs because that meant the baby was as well. So I didn't. Since then I've relaxed on it for myself...if I'm out with friends or something, I will order eggs (I do this maybe 2-3 times a year). Or I'll eat a piece of birthday cake that has eggs in it. 

But to be honest, I'm not happy with this. I want to be able to make myself some scrambled eggs for breakfast (which I have not had in over 5 years). I want my children to have the option to eat eggs (or that piece of birthday cake) if they choose to. I have brought the subject up once in the past, and asked what he thought of me buying local farm eggs, using dedicated dishes, etc...and he was really upset about the idea, so it was a BIG no. He said I can eat them all I like while not in our home...well, I'm a SAHM with no vehicle. I'm almost always at home.

I don't think it upsets me so much about the eggs themselves, but the fact that I don't get to decide what I can eat within my own home. I feel controlled.

Anyone else living with a partner that eats differently....how do you deal with it? Who gets to decide what's allowed in the house, or what your children should be allowed to eat?

Thanks for any thoughts,

Erin

p.s. I am not looking for advice on whether eating eggs is ethical or humane. I feel good about my choices.

[bandgeek]

I'm vegan and I'd say that's pretty extreme. You are your own person and you should be able to make the decisions on what you eat.  HE doesn't want to eat eggs...fine.  He shouldn't be telling you what you can and cannot eat.

Now, the kids....ehhh, this is something you two will just have to talk over and come to an agreement on. 

I'm in a relationship currently with an omni...I would never ever tell him he couldn't bring meat or other animal products into our home (we don't live together yet, but probably will in the future). It's a very personal decision.

[tinuviel_k]

I am an omni (so take this with a grain of salt) but I have plenty of vegetarian and vegan friends and several vegan former roommates, and we've had lots of great conversations...

I would not be okay with someone telling me what I could eat in my own home, with the exception of it someone had extreme allergies or intolerances (like a peanut allergy or celiac disease). If my DH had a problem with meat, dairy, or eggs inside our home I would get different pans to cook them in, but I would find it extremely controlling if someone were outright forbidding me to cook something that I wished to eat. You are a SAHM without a car, so it is not like you have the luxury to go out a restaurant to get a cooked meal. I wonder what your DH would say if you told him, "Either I get the freedom to eat what I wish in my own home or we are ponying up $5,000 for a car for me." (not that this is necessarily a good option...)

I feel VERY strongly about eating organic and local food, as unprocessed as possible. If my husband came to me and said, "I know know how strongly you feel about only drinking local pastured raw organic non-homogenized milk. But I just don't like the milk from Cozy Valley; I really want homogenized 2% Wal Mart brand milk..." Well, I certainly wouldn't be happy. I would try my darnedest to change his mind. And I sure wouldn't go to Wal Mart and buy it for him! But if he really wanted to drink that milk and felt strongly about his right to do so I sure would not prevent him from buying it, storing it in our fridge, and drinking it himself.

[Doodlebugsmom]

I don't think your dh is being fair at all. You should be able to eat whatever you want in your own home. I agree that you should have dedicated cookware to make eggs, etc. That said, I've been vegan for 3 years (vegetarian for 4 years before that). My dh is pescetarian, but really only eats fish outside the house. Dd eats chicken, ham and sometimes bacon. I buy these products for her, and I always buy as natural and humanely raised as possible. Ds is vegetarian. All three of them eat a fair amount of dairy and eggs. Fortunately I can get the eggs and some of the dairy locally. I don't feel like it's my right to tell anyone how to eat whether they're my family members or not. If I wouldn't let my kids make their own food choices, I'm sure they'd rebel about it as soon as they could. The last thing I want is them filling up on fast food and low-quality meat when they're teenagers.

Honestly, if my dh was telling me I wasn't "allowed" to eat something in my own home, I think I'd seriously consider separating. I couldn't deal with that. I hope you and your dh can reach some sort of resolution with this.

[mumkimum]

I think the pp's example about the milk is a pretty good one.

I'd re-talk about the issue without it being you asking him - if this is something you're wanting (eating eggs), you need to work together to figure it out so it's acceptable to both of you.  Him telling you you can't eat eggs is pretty much on the level with you telling him to eat eggs.  That wouldn't be okay either.

Maybe his extreme stance has more to deal with what he wants for your kids nutritionally/ethically?  Or there is some additional gross-out factor with eggs for him (my sister, for example, has just never liked eggs and finds them really unappealing)?  

and just FYI:

I, personally, am vegetarian and dh here is omni, our kids are both vegetarian now (4 & 1) because we think that's a good starting point for a healthy diet - but if they want to try meat at some point or eat it reguarly, we've decided we'll teach them about making ethical & healthy choices about quality meat and go about preparing it with them (mostly dh getting involved with that instead of me).  We decided on that together.

We do have meat in our house, we have dedicated pans/cutting boards for meat that I don't use for other stuff.  I've come to cook meat for dh sometimes now even - but I didn't used to.  Early on we only kept meat in the house that didn't need to get cooked (so only in leftovers, sliced meat) and I preferred dh not cook meat with our cooking stuff.  At some point he really wanted to be able to make meaty things more often and I think we agreed that certain pans were not to get used, we'd avoid using other porous cookware (ie. wooden spoons, cutting boards) when cooking meat and would use other stuff instead.  There are all kinds of ways to strike a balance - but everyone needs to be happy with it at the time.  

[SundayCrepes]

Sounds like couple's counseling may be necessary. If he won't go with you, go by yourself.

I've been a vegetarian since 1984. When we were dating, my husband said he would eat vegetarian when we ate together. I thought that was nice of him. I never asked.

I will not buy him meat. If he wants it, he can buy it himself. I think he bought himself bacon once about 13 years ago. He does sometimes eat meat when we are out, though he usually feels sick afterwards. Our kids have been raised vegetarian. Our 5 year old eats that way by his choice. Our 2 year old doesn't understand yet. If they ever want to eat meat I will be crushed. I won't buy it for them. My husband will have to do that. But I will not be a control freak about it.

So, if you want to eat eggs, eat eggs. I have my own chickens so I don't have to deal with the moral stuff (other than what they do to the male chicks.) If your partner has a problem with you eating eggs, it is about more than the eggs.

[crunchy_mommy]

I am vegan and my DH is omni. 2yo DS is vegan and we eat vegan in our house. DH usually only eats meat (or other animal products) when we're out, but he's even doing less of that these days because he doesn't want to confuse DS.

The whole thing is something we've discussed a lot. DH has changed his position (regarding DS) multiple times but overall doesn't really have a strong opinion either way, and I do, so for now we are going with keeping DS vegan. I would never in a million years tell DH what he can & can't eat though. I do relay information regarding health, ethics, etc. of various dietary choices (because it's something I spend a lot of time investigating, and he finds interesting) and he feels healthier eating vegan. We also aren't really interested in cooking multiple meals, so with the exception of DH occasionally having a sandwich (I'm GF so our house is mostly gluten-free as well), we all eat the same thing together so it would be weird if he came home with a carton of eggs or a steak for his dinner. What would the rest of us eat??? But he knows he is free to do so. And he can (and does) bring home non-veg leftovers as well.

I guess we lucked out. I hope DH continues to stay on board with this because I feel like it could be really difficult -- and send mixed messages to DS -- if we did things differently than we do now. But I do know that he may change his mind at some point, and then we'll have to weigh the pros & cons. Because vegan is largely a health choice for us, I would expect DH to present some compelling evidence that having DS drink cow's milk or whatever would be healthier for him. Or at least a very good argument. But it sounds like your DH is choosing this for ethical reasons... so it's more tricky... and I can see why he'd have a hard time having eggs in his house when he was clear from the beginning that he didn't want that, it would be hard having something in my house that violated my basic ethical beliefs. But his word is not the be all & end all. And if you are stuck at home with no vehicle, then I kind of feel like every Saturday morning you should be able to take the car and go get yourself a nice breakfast and some time to yourself or something. There are ways you can compromise but I do agree that you should have a choice in the matter, not just feel like you're 'told' you can't do XYZ (whether it's eat eggs or anything else!) Is the controlling thing only about food or does it extend to other areas of your relationship? You don't have to answer here, of course, but if it were just about the food, I'd view it very differently than if it were about many other things as well (and in that case, I would recommend counseling like the pp's).

[nigellas]

If you had a seperate pan to cook them in I can not see what his problem would be, other than trying to control you.

[winnie]

I'm so sorry it has taken me this long to come back and reply. I really do appreciate all of the input, thank you!! After reading what everyone had to say and thinking some more, I decided I would bring the topic up again. It went very well, and he was understanding of my point of view. As long as I get a pan that would be dedicated to cooking eggs, and buy free range, he feels ok about it. The kids....we still need to work that out. We have had a short conversation with our 5 year old, and he knows that he is getting old enough to start making some of his own decisions. (Although at this point meat would really not be available to him anyways, so we're really just talking about eggs so far...). He says he does want to eat eggs, but he changes his mind about things minute to minute. :) Our 22 month old won't get any, as she is much too young to understand what she's eating.

Thanks again.

Erin

[Dia]

I am a vegan and my partner is a big 'ol carnivore.  Sometimes this poses a logisitcal challenge, but I would never, ever pressure him to be vegan. It is such a personal choice. We just have different preferences, we respect eachother's choices. 

I understand the impulse, and the revulsion to animal product consumption, but I do think your partner is being unreasonable. 

[greenemami]

Glad it went well for you!  I am vegetarian whose dp eats meat.  While it doesn't happen often, he can and does cook meat in the house when he wants it.  I don't often buy it, simply because it is out of our budget, though I will very occasoinally prepare it for him (like for his bday, etc.) as long as it doesn't involve anything complicated (or me touching it, lol!) 

The kids thing can be such a complicated, loaded issue.  We mostly agree that we start them out as vegetarians and then they can choose whether to eat meat or not as they get older and understand where it comes from.  Dd (4) has tried meat a couple of times, but since it is not readily available, it has not been a big issue.  I do insist that if she chooses to eat meat, we spend the money on "good" meat, i.e. free range,ethically raised, no added anything, etc.. It will not thrill me, but I feel like if she is educated and makes that choice, it is hers to make, just as it is yours to make what you eat! 

[texmati]

umm.. Did your husband grow up vegetarian? I'm South Asian; and take the same hard line-- no meat in teh house. It's pretty typical with couples I know to have a meat outside the house only stance. That being said, if you are not ok with it, there must be a compromise somewhere.

[kathymuggle]

Originally Posted by winnie 

I'm so sorry it has taken me this long to come back and reply. I really do appreciate all of the input, thank you!! After reading what everyone had to say and thinking some more, I decided I would bring the topic up again. It went very well, and he was understanding of my point of view. As long as I get a pan that would be dedicated to cooking eggs, and buy free range, he feels ok about it. The kids....we still need to work that out. We have had a short conversation with our 5 year old, and he knows that he is getting old enough to start making some of his own decisions. (Although at this point meat would really not be available to him anyways, so we're really just talking about eggs so far...). He says he does want to eat eggs, but he changes his mind about things minute to minute. :) Our 22 month old won't get any, as she is much too young to understand what she's eating.

Thanks again.

Erin

Bolding mine.  

I sounds like everything went well and you should be pleased.  

I hate to be a downer, but the bolded part still makes me uncomfortable.

I think buying free-range eggs is great (although not all free range are created equal) but it should be a choice you make.  I would not appreciate being told I had to buy organic, free-range etc.  It is still a little controlling - this is particularly the case as he is not going to be eating the eggs.

[catemom]

Hi Winnie,

Saw your post when I was looking for some advice about the same situation.  Not-so-DH is not taking it well, and I think he IS being rather controlling.  I never discussed it with him, because there is no point.  Maybe not the best approach, but oh well, I'm not looking back.  It's become quite a problem, he is now being kind of mean to our kids, so I'm upset with him for that.  Anyway, if you want someone to commiserate with, here I am.

[Chloe 777]

First of all, I'm sorry you're having a tough time with hubby.  ((()))

I have to say, that while everyone will agree that a person should be able to eat what they want in their own home, things like meat and eggs to a vegan are not really food.  They are products that come from tortured animals.  So I can understand why he feels so strongly about it.

On the other hand, I totally understand where you're coming from, and you should be able to eat what you want, because you cannot become vegan by force.

I'm married to an omni, and he's certainly allowed to eat whatever he wants.  He's cut down on meat a lot, and he never eats meat at home.  He also doesn't eat dairy at home because we don't want to confuse the kids. The kids know their father is an omni, but I think seeing food in their own home that they cannot eat would be very confusing.  When the kids are not around though, he can eat what he wants even at home.

Maybe that's an idea, that when you're home alone you can have some scrambled eggs once in a while.  Tell him that he made his choices and became vegan at his own pace, when he was ready, and that you need to do the same for yourself.  Explain like you did to us, that you're mostly at home, and that you  won't leave the house out of the blue just go have some eggs.  That it is importatnt for you to have the freedom to make your own choices.

Now about the kids, that's really tough.  Like I said, hubby can eat what he wants, but I would not let my kids have a piece of regular cake with all that comes with it.  I bake vegan cakes for my kids all the time, so they don't miss out on anything. 

Good luck!

[Chloe 777]

Okay I posted before reading your last post.  I'm glad the conversation went well. :)