Need some honest thoughts...

[bu's mama]

Hey mamas - I haven't been around here in quite some time, but I always appreciate the perspectives of everyone here.

X & I have been separated for many years, and he is now in a serious relationship.  I have no desire to be with him.  In a 4 day span he introduced dd (just turned 9 yo) to the new girlfriend on a Thursday, spent Saturday with her & dd and then on Monday brought dd to a party at the girlfriend's family.  He now wants her to cut short her school family picnic (it falls on his night with her) to go celebrate his girlfriend's mother's birthday.

I think this is way too fast, especially if it is serious & the girlfriend isn't going anywhere.  I basically told him that it is not in dd's best interest.

I have not met anyone that I would consider introducing to dd, so it's the first time dd is seeing one of her parents involved with someone else.  She does not remember us being together & she doesn't remember him living with us.

What are your thoughts on this?

[pranamama]

I think a neutral stance is best.    Missing the end of the picnic is probably not a big deal so I would just work at not giving much of a reaction (to him).    Some girlfriends are good influences on the kids and some are not so it will probably be a wait and see situation.    I hope it is not too stressful for you!!!

[doubledutch]

that sounds like quite the whirlwind!  since you can't control what he does, maybe focus your energy on helping dd adjust to the changes.  what does she think about it? 

[bu's mama]

Thanks for the replies - definitely chime in if you still want to.

I try to remain as neutral as possible, but I do want what is best for dd and I call him on it when he doesn't treat her well (like not talking to her for a week), but he always thinks he is doing a *fabulous* job.  He lies a lot & there's always a reason, explanation or a miscommunication about everything.

Originally Posted by doubledutch 

that sounds like quite the whirlwind!  since you can't control what he does, maybe focus your energy on helping dd adjust to the changes.  what does she think about it? 

DD is also a people pleaser - so she feels like she has to agree with her father  so he won't be disappointed in her.  She likes pretty much everyone & is a sweet kid, but she does says things like "she is special to daddy so I want to go"

I have been focusing my energy on trying to get DD to determine what she wants and speaking up for herself.  I also talk to her (lots!) about how wanting different things doesn't mean that you don't like someone and that conflicts and disagreements don't mean you don't love someone and the importance of not just agreeing so people aren't mad at you.

She wanted me to sit with her when she talked to him tonight about how she felt about the family picnic...they would only be there for 1/2 hour out of 3 & would leave just when things started getting going and it's only once a year and it's really important to her.  The picnic is a big deal at her school (this year they are having acrobats perform) & she loves going.  And she told him how she feels like she tells him things just so he won't be disappointed.  I was very proud of her for speaking her mind and doing it even though it was uncomfortable.  He still was trying to force her to decide between the 2 things even after she said this, she was crying & he didn't even notice (she was leaning against him) and he didn't recognize she just told him she wanted to go to the picnic and didn't want to miss it.  He finally came to see what she was saying and did reinforce that he won't be mad if she wants to do other things. 

So she will be going to the picnic, but after he left I realized he never said he was taking her.  If that's the case, he's giving up his one weeknight with her to spend with his girlfriend which I think is awful but I keep it to myself.

Originally Posted by pranamama 

I think a neutral stance is best.    Missing the end of the picnic is probably not a big deal so I would just work at not giving much of a reaction (to him).    Some girlfriends are good influences on the kids and some are not so it will probably be a wait and see situation.    I hope it is not too stressful for you!!!

The girlfriend seems fine, if a bit young and naive (x is good upfront, not so good on the followthrough).  I have no problems with him introducing someone special, it was more the sudden influx of her totally in their lives and DD having to sacrifice something she loves going to for this new girlfriend's mother.  It was in x's best interest to do the 1/2 hour at the picnic and then go out to dinner, not dd's - that's what I was so annoyed about.

[rubelin]

I've dealt with a similar situation with my ex for the last 6 mo and it's still a bit too upsetting to get into much, but wanted to give you some support =)

[doubledutch]

  aah!  i totally relate to your dd in that situation.  that's how i am (it's more important to avoid upsetting others than it is to get what i want) and i've been working really hard on it.  it sounds like you are doing a great job.  if her dad doesn't bring her to the picnic, he should be ashamed of himself.

[StephandOwen]

Your poor dd. I'm sorry she's being put in such a position.
 

Originally Posted by bu's mama 

So she will be going to the picnic, but after he left I realized he never said he was taking her.  If that's the case, he's giving up his one weeknight with her to spend with his girlfriend which I think is awful but I keep it to myself.

I would totally call him on it. This is not fair at all to your dd.

[meemee]

bu's mama i am going to play the devil's advocate here. 

a father who cant even see how upset dd is - that he cant even hear her words - he just does not have what it takes to put brakes on his relationship with gf and gf's family for dd. 

no blame here - but dd is not first in his relationship. 

yes it is sad. but it is what it is. 

this is the beginning and kudos to you for helping dd to speak her mind. i can see this scene recurring in the years following.

now to play the devil's advocate one week in a lifetime is really not that big a deal. he has shown in many ways his life comes first. who cares if its right or wrong. it IS what it is. 

yes it might be hard for your dd - but it is what it is. 

that is my new philosophy. and i share that with dd - with anything. and everything. and dd is getting it. she is starting to see both sides of the coin. and it is really helping her deal with life's disappointments. she will be 9 in a few mnths. 

one thing i have discovered about dd and me is - if i express what is opposite to what i feel inside (i am angry with ex but i say hey this is life. this is what it is) she totally picks on the exact thing i am trying to hide. 

what do they say - if life hands u lemons, make lemonade. and that's exactly what i tell dd. emotionally its having a GREAT impact. this is HUGE for me coz dd is way too sensitive. and her dad has problems dealing with emotions so she doesnt show that side of herself to him. which means i have to deal with the explosion at home. which i am ok with coz then she has a place to vent. 

its actually also having an impact on ex's relationship with me too. we barely talk but he's not as disrespectful as before and he doesnt say no that much. 

so yeah he should have spent the half hour at the picnic. he didnt. so what? shrug it off. please know i KNOW how hard it is to do that. i know. but its a place you have to get to. 

my situation is pretty similar to yours. dd shows completely 2 sides to each of us. she knows there are things her dad doesnt get so she doesnt show that side to her dad. at all. she paints on a happy face and life is hunky dory. i see the other side. the teasing adn bullying puling her down. i asked him and he pretty much said dd is making it up. no she wasnt and we took care of it with the help of her teacher with her dad not being involved at all. 

last week her dad was busy so dd didnt see him for a week. she told me 'ma i cant believe daddy doesnt want me in his life.' my response, 'well he must be busy coz he hasnt done this in a long time. i know its sad. but hey i was thrilled. i got to hang out with you and do some fun things.' focusing on the fun part took dd out of that sad place (usually i dont make dd avoid those sad emotions but she had gone thru that a lot lately and i didnt want one more to pull her down). 

the biggest thing you did was sit with dd so she could talk to her dad. 

but dont waste your time on the SHOULDs. not worth it. its not even worth spending time noticing them. 

this is a thing i am not willing to micromanage. whenever i have tried its backfired. 

and i also would give ex some time to let this all settle down. new gf. perhaps moving in together and getting married in new future? once the 'honeymoon' is over perhaps this will be a moot point. 

[bu's mama]

Update...

tonight was the picnic & he did not take her.  I am so angry at him & feel so bad for dd.  He also took her out of her play rehearsal early to drop her off at the picnic (I usually volunteer to work the check-in station since he is with her on Wednesdays). 

The kicker was that he said to dd he couldn't come because "a promise is a promise" and I said what about his promise to spend Wednesday nights with you.  She said yeah I'm sad about that.

Originally Posted by meemee 

...

no blame here - but dd is not first in his relationship. 

yes it is sad. but it is what it is. 

...

After this whole episode, I totally see this but he just disgusts me and I hate him for how he is treating dd.  He also thinks he is doing a great job with her and he acts like the total hands on, involved dad and puts on a great show when he's in public.  It literally makes me sick to deal with him these days.

 

[doubledutch]

that's terrible.  your poor dd.

[hillymum]

I can totally relate to your situation and feel your frustration. the only thing you can do is be there for your daughter and not make excuses for her fathers behaviour. As someone said, it is what it is, and you can not change that. I am just trying to learn how to make this easier to handle for my three boys. We do fun things together but also just do normal every day activities. Days missed with dad are treated as normal days now. Seems to be working.

[meemee]

bu's mama there is a silver lining. or should i say in our experience there was. 

the sad part for your dd is age 9 is a really hard emotional year. its the conscience developing time and it really throws a spanner in the emotional life of our child. 

dd went thru with this at 5. when she first hit her hard time. i have held a crying child who cried herself to sleep, or woke up crying why her father was the way he was. 

today 3 years later the intensity of the pain has relaxed. and that is the silver lining. her dad still pisses me off ... but the amazing thing is dd has been able to work her life around the kind of person and parent he is. 

you know what makes me cry? my dd who loves her dad equally as me - fully accepts him for who he is - failing and all. all his stuff rarely, v. rarely gets to her. now she shrugs off. yeah that's sad, but that's what her dad is. can you imagine?!!! she puts me so much to shame by being able to accept her daddy disappointment and all. that's what's made me accept him - flaws and all. 

and you want to know my silver lining? i see dd in all her glory. her whole self - the 'good' and 'bad' self. she invites me into her life - totally. completely. i know exactly what's going on in her life (the part that she tells me) and most of her feelings. her dad is allowed only a certain bit. truly what's going on inside dd, he has no clue. dd is so matter of fact about it. daddy wouldnt understand so i dont tell him. he is not allowed to be a part of her whole life. 

my wish for him is that one day he gets to see the dd i know. i hope he is able to come through to make dd feel safe enough to share her life with him.