doing away with little reminders of our exes

[doubledutch]

my email password used to include my ex's name (for years and years!).  i changed it a few months ago to something that is about my life right now and, basically, how awesome i am, lol . . . every time my fingers start to type that old password, and i catch myself, back up and type my new password, it makes me really happy.  there is something symbolic about deleting his name, but i also just get happy thinking about my life now and the potential for my future.

i guess this is something i've been thinking about in a lot of ways, since i recently posted about the remaining little bits of ex's crap lying around our house, and i'm getting ready to (finally) file for divorce.  it feels good to reclaim more and more little bits of my life.

on the other hand, there are some things i'm not ready to let go of yet.  i haven't taken down a family photo and a picture of him with our younger son yet.  i plan to put them up in the boys' room but they are still in the living room right now - obviously something i need to address in order to move on to new relationships, right?  i'm slowly replacing *our* things with *my* things (thank you, craigslist!) and getting rid of the very few gifts he ever gave me, but i don't feel the need to completely erase this part of my life.  i mean, he has been in my life for a decade, and while i'm glad to move forward, that's a big part of who i am - basically my entire adult life.

just wondering what others' thoughts are on that.  where's the balance?  do you keep anything from ex or things that symbolize the life you had together?

[Mummoth]

Well, our wedding pictures have come in very handy whenever ex was evading service, so I'm glad I held onto those. We bought leather couches on one of our anniversaries, and I won't get rid of them... ex didn't sit on them very often though. I'd love to get rid of the stupid dishes we got another anniversary, but other than that I don't have a lot from when we were together.

One thing I did very shortly after the break up was to buy a new pretty bra and panties set, that he was never, ever, ever going to get to see! I rearranged the bedroom and living room furniture. It felt like a different house, because the atmosphere changed when ex wasn't there... suddenly it was okay to be goofy and loud, and it wasn't scary if anyone made a mistake or spilled something! 

[*MamaJen*]

After ex moved out, I lived in that house for about a year, then moved to my new place. One thing that made me so, so, so happy as I was moving was selling our old sofa (I say our, but of course I was the one who paid for it) and buying an awesome new red sofa. We (meaning I) bought the leather sofa off ex's boss, and I never liked it. It just wasn't my style. Then it developed all these really bad associations as the place where ex slept for months before we even broke up. It felt so good to get it out of my space.

I do have one photo of ex up, in a frame with four other family photos. It's a picture where he's holding DS. You can't really see his face, more just DS. I'm not planning on removing that one, because it is DS's house too and he deserves to have photos of his dad around. I did take down the framed family photo of me, ex and DS right after the birth. All those photos are in albums, which I'm certainly not planning on getting rid of. That's my and DS's history, but I don't need that photo of us together on the wall.

[Phoenix~Mama]

I still have a TV that EX gave me, but that is no where on my priority list to update.  lol  So it's okay.  I have some sheets that I WISH I could update, but again funding... so I deal and try not to think about it really.

I don't have any pics up anymore.  I did have some in DD's room, but she got a hold of them and ripped them up.  lol  But I do have some in her scrapbook and will have the the 2 I took at the NICU with DS and him in his scrapbook. 

I still have the jewelry box he made me... I will be giving that to DD.

[mimim]

Those children though. They walk around carrying his genes. If I could only figure out how to get rid of them, then I could forget the $@*&%.




I agree that getting rid of his "stuff" and making the place all your own is healthy. Keep the photos and such because not only was he an important part of your kids' lives, but yours as well, even if he wasn't such a good one.

[doubledutch]

Originally Posted by mimim 

Those children though. They walk around carrying his genes. If I could only figure out how to get rid of them, then I could forget the $@*&%.
 

[simplemama32]

I was the one who moved to a new place, and I ended up leaving a lot of "our" stuff behind...wedding china, furniture, etc.   I kept a few items that DS might like to have one day (and I go back and forth about that...if it were me, I *think* I would like to have "souvenirs" of my parents' time together if they were divorced, but maybe he'll think I'm crazy for keeping that stuff?  Who knows.) 

I'm having more of a hard time dealing with my thoughts/memories of those years we spent together.  Bad, good, whatever...it was such a large chunk of my life (16 years total from when we met to when we divorced), and while I'm thrilled with the thought of a fresh start, what do I do with the years that were spent with him?  (Rhetorical question...last night I found a notebook filled with relics of that former life -- random notes to him about daily life, household lists, budget scrawlings, etc. -- and I've been a little weirded out ever since.) 

[ZoeyZoo]

I let XH take a lot of the little things even though it meant I had the expense of rebuying all of that stuff (like dishes, silverware, pots/pans, sheets, etc). I racked up a ton of debt buying that stuff over again and then I looked around and was there were did all that money go? I think the main thing I have left is our old couch and some of dd's furniture. It was expensive but I liked being able to start over again and pick out all my own stuff.

[provocativa]

This just occurred to me yesterday!  As soon as I get the time, I am going to go buy all new bedsheets, and throw away any of the ones that the abusive sumvabeetch ever slept on.  Getting new bras is also a good idea!

[hillymum]

I'm still in the marital home and so have just about everything still. My parents bought me new dishes and silverware so all the the old stuff is boxed up. I think I will take it to a yard sale next weekend though. I will be taking a queen sized bed so will eventually buy new sheets/bedding for that, but not yet.

One thing I do want to do is without a fuss swap out all photo's with ex in for ones of myself and the boys. He can have those pictures if he wants them. Other than that because he was absent so much nothing really reminds me of him. Sad really that 4 years together in this home and hee didn't put his mark on it.

[feral007]

I think it's great that you have been able to get rid of some things, but that you feel comfortable with others around.  I recently went through photos to embarras my 18 yo's with at their party - I tried to be fair and have a few with their father in them, even tho he whinged anytime you asked him to be in a photo.  If you want to put the family photo away you could offer it to go into your child's room, or a family room if you have one, or in an album but if you feel happy with it out I don't see why a future partner should feel upset about it - your past is what made you who you are today.  One of my stepdaughters used to display her mother and fathers wedding photo in her room in our house...I didn't take offence altho she may have wanted me too!

Those children though. They walk around carrying his genes. If I could only figure out how to get rid of them, then I could forget the $@*&%.

 

Yes, I know all those genes...everytime any of my children do well at sports I say 'they got their sporting genes from their father, he was good for something'

Ali