I apologise in advance for the long post to follow. Also, I couldn't think of an appropriate title, as what I am feeling is a lot of different emotions not just the one in the title.
Our daughter died in sept 08, after a five month battle in Nicu. I have a 4 year old DS who is my world, and my rock and is homeschooled. He is fantastic and the homeschooling is working our great.
However, I am really struggling with everything else in life - m;y son is great, homeschooling is great. But everything else feels very difficult right now.
Both DH and I have been through the rollercoaster of grief, and are still very much in the midst of it all now.
Lately, as the title says I have been feeling so lonely. Not because I don't see people, we see people a lot, friends and family and playdates for Nathan its all going fab. But lonely, because I don't talk about how I feel. I don't feel that they understand. I talk to other grieving parents which helps.
But friends and family don't understand. And I clam up when trying to open up.
I am struggling with accepting myself for who I am. I am an introvert, which I hate being. I am absolutely fine when at home in my bubble with my hubby and son. But as soon as I leave that safety net, I clam up and feel like the whole world is against me. I hate myself a lot of the time.
I feel like I failed as a mother, because I couldn't save my daughter, and both my babies were premature. I feel like I fail as a wife because today, hubby's dad had a family birthday party. All the grand children were there, apart from Sienna (my daugher in heaven) and I cried. Its the first time I have ever cried in front of hubby's family. I am so embarrassed. I feel like such a failure, because I don't open up with the family, can't fit in, just want to hide away in my bubble - is that how it is when you're an introvert? Is that normal? Or is this sounding beyond normal? I have no confidence outside of home. I've been down the counselling and anti-depressants route, but don't want to go there again really. I want to come to terms with my loss, and come to terms with who I am. Accept myself as I am. But I don't know how to do that?
When I'm at home with my hubby and son, or homeschooling my son, I'm great. Don't get me wrong not one day goes by when I don't think of my daughter, but at home I am happy, in control, relaxed. And DS is happy and well balanced too. I'm also fine with taking him to the library for story time, swimming, parks etc. But when I'm with groups of people, like family get togethers, I clam up, and start despising myself for that.
Theres more, but I think that covers the main issues I have at the moment!
If you got this far, thanks for reading. And any advice would be so greatly appreciated.
** I wrote this a week or so ago, after a particularly difficult day, since then I have read 'The highly sensitive person' which I think has helped me, but any other comments would be appreciated still. ** Thank you.
**** Just realised the title isn't what I'd originally used as a title when I wrote this, so forgive me for not making much sense when referring to the old title lol! ****