Slow Parenting for Slow Toddlers ;)

[alittlesandy]

I'm starting this thread because I can no longer bear to look at the Feb 09 toddler thread or the potty learning tribe thread. I had a thread like this last year and loved it, but wanted to make a new one.

I want to hear from mamas whose 2 to 2 1/2 year olds are NOT speaking in sentences or potty learning.

My 27-month-old son is the light of my life. Beautiful, smart, funny. He plays by himself and chatters constantly and laughs his head off and loves to run around at the playground, build tunnels for his trains, and pick out books a the library.

He does not go to preschool or any special programs. He has some neighborhood friends we get together to play with and he plays with kids at the library and playground. I like our laid-back lifestyle and don't plan to start dragging him around to a bunch of programs. We will probably homeschool or unschool.

Right now he says and signs only a handful of words. Yes, he has been tested. Twice. He is completely normal and doesn't even qualify for EI. I just never seem to hear from or find mamas like me with kids like him.

Please don't tell me it's about priorities. I have been working with him on talking since he was nine months old. I have been working with him on potty learning since he was 18 months old. I don't need advice. I've read every book and every forum out there on the subject, lol. However, I'm ready to start backing off and just letting things happen when they do, over the normal course of play and love and development. I'm tired of making myself crazy, especially when he is perfectly happy and healthy.

I just want a little community of "slow" mamas with "slow" toddlers, lol!

[Llyra]

Only one of my three were toilet trained before almost 3. DD1 was a few months past three, and DS was about a month before 3.

I also raise late talkers. DD1 didn't say a single word until 19 months. At 2, DS still only had a few words.

FWIW, DD1, who didn't talk, wouldn't potty, refused to join in any organized activities, and used to drive me nuts because she wouldn't learn to dress herself or wash herself, went to kindy and learned to read in less than a month, and is now knocking the socks off her first grade teacher by bringing in the novels she's been reading at home. She's confident and independent. And no, I'm not saying that to brag, although I'm proud of her, of course-- I'm trying to say that kids have their own developmental timetables. They do things in their own good time, when they're ready, and often the best thing we can do is to get out of their way while they get there. Where does this idea come from that every kid has to be exactly the same, and has to be good at everything, anyway?

We're surrounded by this culture that tells us we need to be doing a bazillion things, buying a bazillion things, and paying for a bazillion special enriching experiences, if we want our kids to learn and grow. It's all designed to make us feel guilty so we'll spend money. This stuff has only been around for two generations or so-- my grandma never went to $50 a month mommy-and-me classes, nor did anybody have the time to sit with her for ten hours a day playing little games and reading books. It's like they want us to believe that up until thirty years ago, kids grew up into poorly socialized idiots unable to "get ahead" at all-- which is nonsense.

I'm right there with you. I know how hard it is when so many parents seem to be "doing" so much. It sounds like what you ARE doing is just exactly right-- letting him be a kid.

[Honey693]

My DD is 31 months and refuses to have anything to do with teh potty.  She also doesn't know any nursery rhymes, numbers past 5 (and not in order) or the alphabet.

[LynnS6]

My 'slow' toddler (actually he had a fair number of words, he just refused to use them with anyone except mom or dad) grew into a 'slow' child who refused to do organized activities as a preschooler, was slow to name emotions, was extremely stubborn about 'performing' in public (i.e. talking, being seen, joining in any activity), and didn't potty train until 3 1/2 (when I bribed him majorly). He didn't dress himself until 3-4, couldn't button until 5 (and with some occupational therapy), couldn't tie his shoes until 8 (when we had to teach him because he'd outgrown velcro shoes). He wasn't dry at night until 7 1/2. He couldn't write his name until 4-5. He learned to read right on schedule in 1st grade.

He's 10 now. He's definitely not slow academically. He's still a bit immature socially, and he's still a reserved introvert. And guess what? The other kids really like him because he listens, rather than talks all the time! His teachers love him. And those who get to know him realize what a creative, interesting brain underlies that reserve. He's creative, quirky, with a wicked sense of humor.

So, viewing him long after he was a toddler, it really was OK. OP - it sounds like you've got a great son, so make sure you enjoy him!

[bignerpie]

I have a February 09 toddler, too. He speaks 2 sentences that he is really just repeating- "Daddy's Home" and "Where did he go?" He is starting to say more and more words, but he's only started talking in the past few months. I have no idea when we'll start potty training.

On the other hand, he has figured out every child-proofing device we've tried. He's been able to open the cabinet locks for a year, and we've tried 4 different types of outlet covers, but he always figures it out. I'm picturing him in a few years taking apart his toys to see how they work.

[alittlesandy]

Thanks for all of the great responses! Very reassuring! I love reading about all of the interesting differences.

[chaoticzenmom]

My son was born in Feb 09 and he's toilet trained, speaks 4 languages and made dinner last night for the whole family;)  Ok, well, he says Doiya (Dora) constantly, can make a sentence out of 3 words from time to time and we haven't even begun to think about toilet training yet.  We had dinner with some friends who have a grandaughter who is a month younger (I think) than my son.  She was telling him stories, telling him what to do, looking at him confused because he was towering over her and not talking.  It was funny to see the difference.  My toddler can count to 2.  Whenever he sees numbers, he says "one, two, one, two."  He's normal, no issues and he's not behind.  I haven't had him tested because he's my 4th and I'm pretty comfortable with what I'm seeing in him.  He is a jokester and can work my iphone like nobody's business.  

[alittlesandy]

Originally Posted by chaoticzenmom 

My son was born in Feb 09 and he's toilet trained, speaks 4 languages and made dinner last night for the whole family;)  Ok, well, he says Doiya (Dora) constantly, can make a sentence out of 3 words from time to time and we haven't even begun to think about toilet training yet.  We had dinner with some friends who have a grandaughter who is a month younger (I think) than my son.  She was telling him stories, telling him what to do, looking at him confused because he was towering over her and not talking.  It was funny to see the difference.  My toddler can count to 2.  Whenever he sees numbers, he says "one, two, one, two."  He's normal, no issues and he's not behind.  I haven't had him tested because he's my 4th and I'm pretty comfortable with what I'm seeing in him.  He is a jokester and can work my iphone like nobody's business.  

This reminds me a lot of my son, who knows one number, "two." That's what he says, very excitedly, when he sees numbers. "Two! Two!" The funny thing is, he recognizes and can identify alphabet letters (will bring them to me from the fridge when I ask for a particularly letter) and he also knows what sounds they make. But he won't "say" his ABCs. My DH and I keep joking that he's going to be writing us notes before he's talking, lol!

Basically, he says, "Hi, bye, Mama, Dada, more, no, two, dog, and mmm-hmm!" He does make all of his animal sounds and loves to go through his repertoire of sounds every morning. It's pretty funny. But he's not really interested in potty training and doesn't really "get" what it is. I do let him watch me go and I take off his diaper and let him sit on the potty, but I'm not pushing it.

His friend, who is a month younger, is fully potty trained and says, "I would like to go to the potty now and then have a snack!"

[ameliabedelia]

I don't have a slow toddler now, but I just wanted to say that my late-talking, late-walking, late-potty-training, late-just about everything baby/toddler is now a perfectly normal, developmentally on track 9-yo. :)

[maeby]

you may enjoy this article by mayim bailik about her boys and why she doesn't force them to meet standards for development set by others. her younger son would probably qualify for EI and she has decided not to pursue it and allow him to develop in his own way.

http://moms.today.com/_news/2011/02/15/6059853-why-i-dont-force-my-kids-to-say-please-or-walk-on-schedule

I’m not going to beat around the bush here. By current conventional standards both of my sons qualified for speech, occupational and physical therapy and I gave them none. Both walked at a ripe 17 months, my older son did not speak sentences until well after 3, my younger son, age 2, communicates exceedingly well with signs and gestures but has not uttered a two-word phrase or even an “appropriately” formed word.

[Bena]

I'll add to the support also..my nephew definitly fits in that category.  He's Feb. 2009 also (though a few weeks premature) and just started walking on his own recently (not sure of his exact age when he did) and still doesn't speak very much.  Potty training is waaaay off the radar!!!   

He has been evaluated, but he's completely fine; just on his own schedule and we all love him like that!!!

I must add that part of me is a little jealous of my SIL's house...she hasn't had to child proof anything yet!!!  At our house, with our little toddler monster, wow, it's a disaster!

[berry987]

I have a Jan 09 baby and he's just now connecting two words together and not even close to potty training....but "slow" never crossed my mind! Kids develop at all different rates and he's bright eyed and can follow directions (so he knows what I'm saying, just doesn't have much to say back), he laughs at jokes, does physical humor, etc. He's my 3rd child and my 1st was super verbal (sentences at 18 months), but honestly, I just figure my 2yo is doing things at his own pace. Oh, and my first two didn't potty train until WELL after 3 years old. No worries!

[Alenushka]

My older son did not speak till age 3. He started reading at 4. He is gifted. He needed speech therapy in K-5 for articulation issues. He refused to learn how to tie shoes till age 10. Then he saw the shoes he liked and spent 30 mins on his own learning how to tie them. He did not ride a 2 wheel bike because he did not feel like it. Some kids are this way . Did I say he is gifted? If you look at his report card you would think he is mentally delayed. He make pocket money with web design  and opera is his favorite art form.

[MamaChicken]

My twin boys are Oct 08, and speaking what I call "martian". No clue what they say! But I feel confident that they are fine and their ped agrees.

[elmh23]

If it makes you feel better, my February 2007 baby just potty trained this past March.  He was 4 years and 4 weeks old.  Granted there were some other issues in play, but it wasn't that big of a deal.

[alittlesandy]

Originally Posted by kristinekristine 

you may enjoy this article by mayim bailik about her boys and why she doesn't force them to meet standards for development set by others. her younger son would probably qualify for EI and she has decided not to pursue it and allow him to develop in his own way.

http://moms.today.com/_news/2011/02/15/6059853-why-i-dont-force-my-kids-to-say-please-or-walk-on-schedule

Thanks for this! I really enjoyed this article!

And thanks to everyone for sharing all of your wonderful children with me! I am moved beyond words.

[thehighernest]

I haven't had a chance to read all the responses, but I'll share thoughts on my 26 month old.

I guess I would refer to my son as slow-to-warm-up, or something along those lines. Not sure what the best term would be. I don't think they've coined a term like they have for "spirited" children, although he may fall under the "sensitive child" umbrella. All this seems to translate to "slow" to do things as well, I think, at least in some areas.

He is only now starting to put words together. Part of the problem in that area may have been persistent ear infections that have finally cleared up (for the time being at least). But either way, he would learn new words, use them once or twice and then never again. He is only now saying "daddy" and "mama" - only took the kid 2 years .

He has ZERO interest in the potty. In fact, it's more than that. He almost has an aversion to it. So potty training ain't gonna happen any time soon, kwim?

He's off now for the summer, but he attended day care from about 15 months on, and with a few exceptions, dropping off would entail crying and holding on to me for dear life. Apparently, he was fine within a minute or two of my leaving, but the actual drop-off was always traumatic, mainly for me. Only recently did he seem to enjoy playing more with other children. Overall, he kinda likes to do his own thing. I tried to do a class with him again this summer, and, yeah, it didn't go over so well.

We cannot enter any new space without his collapsing on the floor and melting down. We cannot enter someone's house -- even someone's he knows, like a family member's -- without a similar reaction and the need to go inside by ourselves for a while and calm down. It may only be at the very end of the affair, when it's time to leave, that he's finally acclimated. People try to come up to him all the time, too, to make things better - which of course only makes things worse.

We go to playgrounds, and I see children younger than him climbing structures with confidence - but our son doesn't even seem interested in trying, really.

I'm not sure about other areas of development...he walked later than our friend's kids, but I think still within range...I don't know. Our pediatrician has evaluated him and also does not believe anything is the matter (although I'm starting to think there may be an articulation issue there...not sure). Everyone seems to attribute it to personality.   Definitely not easy-going, but then again, I wouldn't have called him a high-needs baby either. I don't have any other children, so I can't really compare, but from the outside, it sure doesn't seem like he's like most kids. Much more willful, much more sensitive...I don't know, it's hard to pin down.

I guess I'm just trying to say that it sounds like there's a few of us out there with similar kids; kids who are wonderful, and funny, and silly, and smart (mine wouldn't say mama but he could count objects, knew his colors, knew shapes, etc. before 18 months), but just not on par with typical children his age somehow. Slower to come around, slower to want to do things. I wish I could word this better!

[rubidoux]

I wish you had started this thread when my older son was 2 1/2.  He was late on all of that stuff.  One great thing, though, is that we NEVER had a single potty accident!  I used to ask him (I wasn't overly pushy about these things, either), maybe once a month, if he was ready to use the potty and he was always very confident that he was happy with his diapers.  So, the day he turned three and a half I packed the diapers up and put them away and told him I was sorry but that 3 1/2 year-olds don't wear dipes.  He pooped on the floor, very defiantly, lol, for about two weeks, and then that was the end of it.  We never once had to change his clothes when we were out, or hose out the back seat.  It was awesome.  For years before that all of his potty-learned friends were having to have their whole outfits changed just about every outing.  My current little one is striking me as very advanced potty-wise (I am hoping this isn't his super-power!), but I'm discouraging him because I think things worked out so nicely the first time.

My older also refused to talk about anything relating to numbers or letters until he was over five.  He was adamant.  As soon as he saw that was where you were going, he would give you a stone face.  He also didn't learn how to properly hold a pencil until well into five.  Well, now, only 2 years later, he's LOVING school and doing very well.  He's at a montessori, so they work at their own pace and he's gotten through kindy, first, and second in two years.  It is so crazy, because he is at exactly the same level as the couple of kids who were always scaring the bajeezus out of me when they were 2, 3, and 4 and those kids were singing their A,B,C's and writing notes to their moms and reading the street signs as we drove by them.  

I wish I could have known from the beginning that that stuff really would work itself out.  But it's so hard to have that faith and you worry that you should do things differently...  Well, I really did nothing to give him extra support in those areas, except cuddling, which probably did help.