Need quick facebook advice from u smart mamas!

[seacat]

My DSD wants to get in facebook to stay connected to her friends as were moving 2 hours away. I don't feel good about it but husband says he'll have her password and keep her safe. Her mom is fine w it. Husband told her he'd give give her an answer in 1 hour. I need quick advice. She's 11. What's ur experience. Another cOmplicating factor - my daughter is ten and shell want a fb page too.

Thoughts?

[bandgeek]

Facebook doesn't even allow you to have a page if you are under 13.  Problem solved. 

ETA: Obviously you could make one anyway, but then you'd be teaching them it's ok to break rules, ect.

[SuburbanHippie]

I was very anti-FB for younger kids until my exH went behind my back and let our DS (age 10 at the time) have one.  We actually haven't had any problems.  We each have his password and check in often.  It ended up being no big deal. 

[whatsnextmom]

DD got one at 13. Well, I think it was actually about a week before she turned 13. The rule is, I am her "friend" and I have her passwords until she graduates from high school. It's been a great way for her to keep up with her theatre friends who don't go to her school, who are just as busy with her and who may not get to do an actual show together more than once or twice a year. She interacts with DH and I a good deal through facebook, sharing links to funny things, leaving funny comments on our wall. I do occasionally go through her friend list to make sure they are all people we know. If I suspect trouble, I have no qualms about going through her messages just as I'd check her room for drugs if I had any suspicion of that. However, it's been a big positive for her and really, the main way kids interact in our area.... more so than texting or phone.

Honestly, I'd probably hold off with an 11-year-old. In our experience, 10/11/12 are the most abusive online years (and the hardest years for kids to handle it.) Our DD had some cyber-bully attempts when she was 11 (fortunately, these weren't SMART 11-year-olds who were leaving nasty messages on MY accounts thinking they were DD's... DD didn't even have any online accounts at that time.) That hasn't been an issue since. I have a 10-year-old and we plan on waiting until 13. He's shown no real interest.

However, you many not have much say with dad and mom on board. I'd just make sure to use the safe guards. Make her un-searchable and she can only get friends if SHE requests them. Make sure her default setting are "friends only" for posts, pictures, ect. Check these settings as facebook sometimes makes changes and your settings go funky. Anyone questionable, block.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by seacat 

My DSD wants to get in facebook to stay connected to her friends as were moving 2 hours away.

IMHO, get her the account and keep on eye on it.

You are uprooting her from her friends, and she doesn't have any control over that. While it's just 2 hours to you, as far as she is concerned, you might was well be moving to the moon.

Both my kids have accounts and we haven't had any problems. All privacy settings are set, we keep on eye on things, they are friends with several of their teachers at school!  They are only allowed to be friends with people they know IRL.

(honestly, at 11, chances are that very few of her friends even have accounts. I recommend setting up Skype for her, which both my kids enjoy more with their long distance friends).

Plus, her mom and dad are fine with it. It's not your call.

[mtiger]

I think you should leave the decision to Mom & Dad.

[CarrieMF]

My oldest got an account when she went into Grade 6.  She was not quite 11(her birthday is in Nov).

My middle dd will get one when she goes into Grade 6.  She will be 11.5

My youngest will be 10.5 when my middle one gets one, just becuase she is 1 year younger & will want one does not mean she will get one.

We haven't had any issues with my oldest & her account.  She is 12.5

[Dancianna]

Originally Posted by bandgeek 

Facebook doesn't even allow you to have a page if you are under 13.  Problem solved. 

ETA: Obviously you could make one anyway, but then you'd be teaching them it's ok to break rules, ect.

I'm with bandgeek.  There's a good reason for 13 being the youngest age.  I let my ds make his on his 13th birthday and yes, I do have his password.  The temptations that are there to let your info out are subtle, like you'll see these posts that say "this friend answered these questions about you: is Sheri cute?" etc. and if you click on that to see the answers you give permission for all kinds of info. to be collected from your site.

[Katie T]

My 11yo wants one as well. I am making her wait even though a ton of her friends have one. Mainly because you have to be 13 and she is not. You have a good reason with the move and I would have to reconsider if that were something that came up. I think if her mom and your Dh are on board you will just have to be careful and keep a eye on her account. It may all go just fine. I know my DDs school they all get fb accounts at the start of 7th grade along with laptops. It is really the just the day and age and at 30 it still seems weird to me. 

[HockeyMom654]

I know there is a website called www.LockItTight.com which provide a monitor tool to track your lost PC. I have been using it to check my kids behavior w/o check her pc everyday. I have been using it for a year and very convenient. Actually there is a sibling site called www.JuniorWatch.com which is specialized for monitoring kids too.

[A&A]

Originally Posted by Dancianna 

I'm with bandgeek.  There's a good reason for 13 being the youngest age.  I let my ds make his on his 13th birthday and yes, I do have his password.  The temptations that are there to let your info out are subtle, like you'll see these posts that say "this friend answered these questions about you: is Sheri cute?" etc. and if you click on that to see the answers you give permission for all kinds of info. to be collected from your site.

This is what I hate most about my dd's FB acct.  You have to jump through a million hoops to find out the answer to what the friend said.  And some of the questions are mean, such as, "Do you think that _________________________ is really, really stupid?" 
 

[A&A]

Double-posted
 

[onlyzombiecat]

I told my 11 year old dd that she won't have a FB account until she is 13. I don't add FB friends who are under 13 either.

I thought about it a lot and I don't want my dd to think it is okay to lie about her age and break the rules just to be on an internet site intended for older people.

I think FB is kind of a time waster and doesn't promote a lot of real conversations and interactions.

I'd rather allow my dd to actually call friends or use e-mail to keep in touch.

[Dancianna]

Originally Posted by A&A 

This is what I hate most about my dd's FB acct.  You have to jump through a million hoops to find out the answer to what the friend said.  And some of the questions are mean, such as, "Do you think that _________________________ is really, really stupid?" 
 

Yeah.  I couldn't remember good examples but I felt that the questions themselves were creepy.

[TiredX2]

We are also having DD wait until she is 13 for a facebook account.  It's rather annoying to her because she is young for her grade so most of her friends already have accounts (she is in 7th grade, so the majority have had their 13th birthdays).

Does your DSD have access to a phone?  Can she stay in touch that way?  DD occasionally texts her friends who have moved out of the area.  She does also have an email account.

[seacatnp]

oh boy.  well - i don't know why but i wasn't getting notified of these replies.  i'll have to look into that.  so i'd read the first several responses and then we decided to let her get the FB account.  now - after reading about some of the weird questions - i'm worried.  i'll have to keep a close eye on it.  and i totally agree that it's a time waster and not deep.  i rarely use my account because i feel like the meaningful things i'd like to say don't have a way to be heard - and that people usually don't talk about meaningful things.  but there you have it - i also think that kids will be exposed to these things one way or another - or at one point or another.  so - i'll monitor and try to educate.  we'll see how it goes.  also - does anyone know why this post isn't listed on my accounts page with the other posts i've made over the years?  

THanks for all the thoughtful responses.  very helpful

[ChristaN]

I think that the weird questions are a FB app called question party.  My mom and a whole bunch of others have apparently answered questions about me.  I try to ignore them, honestly, just like I ignore invites on FB from my cousin's ds to join Farmville and other FB games/apps.  Maybe you can put some controls like that in -- tell her that she can't play FB games or use any apps.

I actually wasn't aware that you had to be 13 to get an account.  I joined to keep in touch with a friend who seems to communicate solely through FB now (we live in different states).  I've reconnected with some of my cousins with whom I otherwise wouldn't be in touch much as well.  My "friends" are limited to people I actually know, though.  They aren't imaginary friends.  I do have two friends who are definitely under 13 though: the cousin's child and my friend's child.

A lot of you mentioned your kids having FB accounts below age 13.  Did you let them lie about their ages?

[whatsnextmom]

You can block those games and apps as they pop up.
 

Originally Posted by seacatnp 

oh boy.  well - i don't know why but i wasn't getting notified of these replies.  i'll have to look into that.  so i'd read the first several responses and then we decided to let her get the FB account.  now - after reading about some of the weird questions - i'm worried.  i'll have to keep a close eye on it.  and i totally agree that it's a time waster and not deep.  i rarely use my account because i feel like the meaningful things i'd like to say don't have a way to be heard - and that people usually don't talk about meaningful things.  but there you have it - i also think that kids will be exposed to these things one way or another - or at one point or another.  so - i'll monitor and try to educate.  we'll see how it goes.  also - does anyone know why this post isn't listed on my accounts page with the other posts i've made over the years?  

THanks for all the thoughtful responses.  very helpful

[MusicianDad]

Originally Posted by mtiger 

I think you should leave the decision to Mom & Dad.

That...

[journeymom]

Originally Posted by onlyzombiecat 

I told my 11 year old dd that she won't have a FB account until she is 13. I don't add FB friends who are under 13 either.

I thought about it a lot and I don't want my dd to think it is okay to lie about her age and break the rules just to be on an internet site intended for older people.

I think FB is kind of a time waster and doesn't promote a lot of real conversations and interactions.

I'd rather allow my dd to actually call friends or use e-mail to keep in touch.

Ah, I wish I'd thought of that. I'm FB friends with 2 nephews, both under 13 y.o. when they signed on.  I supposed I could unFriend them.

Originally Posted by seacatnp   also - does anyone know why this post isn't listed on my accounts page with the other posts i've made over the years?  

I don't know but it's been happening to me as well.