Need quick facebook advice from u smart mamas! - Page 2

[whatsnextmom]

Originally Posted by ChristaN 

A lot of you mentioned your kids having FB accounts below age 13.  Did you let them lie about their ages?

Yep. DD wasn't quite 13 and I let her fudge her age because there was an immediate reason for her to be on facebook as opposed to waiting for her birthday. The age guideline is not about protecting kids (if so, why not just make it 18) but about the company protecting itself from liability. I just accept the liability  and really don't stress about the fact they think DD is a week older than she actually is. It's really easy to claim perfection in rule following online where no one can point out the 20 minutes you parked in the 15 minute zone (YOU didn't do this... just an observation from boards like this in general.) Don't even bother trying to shame me posts because I'm perfectly comfortable with our choice and let's not act like my kids are now big liars and criminals because they are not even close lol.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by whatsnextmom 
Don't even bother trying to shame me posts because I'm perfectly comfortable with our choice and let's not act like my kids are now big liars and criminals because they are not even close lol.

  I let my kids lie, too.

Part of my deal is that I was raised by fundementalist Christians for whom EVERY thing is punished by eternal damnation. One of my goals is to be more honest with my kids about what actually matters and what doesn't, and being able to think through that themselves. Lying about age on a social network doesn't matter. It DOES matter than you are only friends with people on social network that you know IRL. This matters, a lot.

My experience in my own life was that since my parents made such a huge deal about EVERYTHING, it left me with nothing. Putting "being on Facebook before 13" in the same category as "cocaine" is just, IMHO, silly.

I drove 40 in a 35 this morning. I broke the law. And no one cares.

[ChristaN]

Originally Posted by whatsnextmom 

 Don't even bother trying to shame me posts because I'm perfectly comfortable with our choice and let's not act like my kids are now big liars and criminals because they are not even close lol.

I'm not trying to shame you.  One week is more of a white lie in my book and there are times where I am fine with bending the truth in small amounts.  My cousin's nephew is about 10 and I know that he's been on FB for at least a year b/c he's been my friend that long.  I'd count on him having been on longer b/c he had hundreds of friends by the time I got a friend request from him.

I guess that I'm trying to figure out what parents of kids in that age range tell their kids when allowing that degree of rule breaking and where one draws the line.
 

[whatsnextmom]

Oh, I know you weren't. I was just heading off the people who will be eager to respond at the pass lol. There is always someone who likes to say they've never lied or broken a rule in their life. One of me SIL's is like that. She's a rule follower for all the WRONG reasons. She isn't empathetic or compassionate. She doesn't follow the rules because she cares about the welfare of others. She does it because she thinks it's her way into heaven (and that is not a religion slam...  plenty of religious folk would be mortified by that singular mind set too!) Right and wrong are unemotional and non-pondered things to her but to me, the true rights and wrongs are incredibly emotional and require lots of thought.

My goal with my kids is to raise compassionate people who care about the welfare of others. If I succeed, they'll know when they have to be perfect and prevent any harm to another and when to be imperfect and only risk themselves. Unfortunately, we don't get to be perfect all the time.

Originally Posted by ChristaN 

I'm not trying to shame you.  One week is more of a white lie in my book and there are times where I am fine with bending the truth in small amounts.  My cousin's nephew is about 10 and I know that he's been on FB for at least a year b/c he's been my friend that long.  I'd count on him having been on longer b/c he had hundreds of friends by the time I got a friend request from him.

I guess that I'm trying to figure out what parents of kids in that age range tell their kids when allowing that degree of rule breaking and where one draws the line.
 

[SuburbanHippie]

Yes, we let him lie about his age.  We also have taught him to lie when his siblings ask him about Santa and the Easter bunny.  We are sinners I tell ya! 

[feral007]

I know you're over the 'quiick reply' but just wanted to add my ideas as well.  I did allow my daughter to get a fb a/c before she was 13 because she wanted to keep up with some of her siblings.  Her father is woeful at organising them to catch up with his other children and she missed them so much.  So a fb a/c was created, and I did remind them that it might be better to put her on a 'limited' profile.  It has been good, I haven't had a problem with her and her fb.  We often get to see each others fb as we share a laptop at times and forget to log out.  I do also check it from time to time, and laugh at the responses I get if some little teen tries to chat with her while I'm on her a/c - 'This is mum'  makes them duck out quickly!  I don't have my daughter as a friend or any teens - altho a lot of the youngsters apply - they like to 'collect' friends.  I have fb to keep up with friends and family who live near and far - even a few k's away is too far when you have a busy life.  I don't see why my daughter can't keep up with her friends the same way.  I use fb to keep an eye on what is happening around town with the youngsters and find it very useful. 

I think that there are many ways of communicating these days and it is doing a disservice to our kids to not let them become competent at it, but also you teach them how to keep themselves safe.  I also talk to her about why you do and don't say things online.  We had a discussion over internet usage at work - a lot of the people both older and younger than me are very wary of it and saying that everyone knows your business...we live in a very very small country town....there are no secrets lol!  Before there was fb there was gossip!  Yes, the internet gets things out there faster and to more people...but kids have learned to think about what they read and see on the internet more than some people do when they hear gossip. 

I think that the scary thing is when you hear of some young person who has been targeted by a predatory adult - but you know they mostly target those kids who are online at their friends place, and those who are hiding their online activity from their parents.  I had a young teen visiting my house say 'Oh you have a fb!'  My mum doesnt like it, but she lets me have one.  Now to me that is scary, as her mother has little idea about how it works and is less able to keep tabs on her daughters safety than someone who is more open about it.  My older teens used to be on msn chat with friends when they were younger ( before fb was invented) and I often had a look over their shoulder.  We had many useful discussions about safety of them and their friends during those times.  I look on it as an opportunity.  And let's face it - todays preteens are going to be running internet rings around us very shortly!  ;) Ali

[VocalMinority]

I was hesitant about FB for our kids, too.  But I have an account and eventually realized how many of their friends already had accounts.  I think the kids were 10 and 14, when we finally let them sign up.  Here are our ground rules:

* DH and I must know their passwords.

* We are in charge of the privacy settings (and they're strict).

* Don't post about where you are right now.  If you go someplace wonderful, post about it afterward.

* Don't let friends post on your account.  Make them sign onto their own, if they have something to say.

* FB is not the place for anything negative.  No cutting down or griping about other people.  What you post online sticks around a lot longer than whiny thoughts do, in your head.

* Before you hit Enter, ask yourself whether what you're about to post is OK for your grandmother and your Great Aunt Patsy to read.  (They're FB friends, too!)

We do, indeed, log onto the kids' accounts periodically, to check that the privacy settings are the same; that they haven't befriended anyone we don't know (a kid from school we don't know would be OK, but not some random adult from Chicago, KWIM?); and what they and their friends are talking about.  Yes, it feels like spying.  But if you simply go to their Home page, while logged onto your own account, you won't see all the posts from their friends, or things they've posted and blocked you from seeing, or whether they've changed their privacy settings.  And they are still young, and we're responsible for them.

The only problems we've had are occasional use of bad words; and the twins' "friend" convincing them to let him post on their account (and he posted vicious, nasty things about other kids at school, which he never posts from his own account, since I assume the little coward is afraid of retaliation!)  We handled it by making the kids delete the problem posts; post an apology/explanation, when appropriate; talking about "netiquette"; and grounding them from FB for a while.  

Overall, the fun and the help connecting with their friends has been well worth the few problems we've had - which are, after all, learning experiences.

[Juuulie]

We made my firstborn wait until he was 13 and then required him to friend us. And you know what, facebook became so much more fun once he was on it -- we write on each others' walls all the time, he is in closer touch with relatives than he would be otherwise, I see what his friends are up to, etc. When my daughter started bugging us for a facebook page we agreed even though she was only 11 at the time, and I've never regretted it either. She is extremely introverted, so any avenue that gives her opportunities to socialize is fine with me.

My son did have one stalker-ish incident from an older man who was a friend of a friend. This man started posting more and more frequently on my son's wall and at first it seemed innocent but a little weird. There was never anything explicit, but it was just... weird, ya know? Then he sent my son a private message late at night that said "good night sweet prince, may angels sing thee to thy rest" -- which totally freaked my son out, especially since he did not recognize it as a quote. :-) He told us right away, immediately unfriended the guy, and was much the wiser for the experience.