Blame it on the adoption?

[Whistler]

So my little guy is 20 months.  He is adorable and smart and everything, BUT he is in super-fit-throwing stage.  Like insanely loud, horrible fits in public.  Most kids do this, but he is especially loud and loves the attention.

People react to his fits like they are something exceptional, and I always cringe like they think that he is especially worse because he is adopted.  Like they think he has bad genetics or something.  I think he's normal, just has an excess of personality!

Am I absolutely crazy paranoid or what?  Tell me your thoughts on this, please!

[CrunchyChristianMama]

I don't think as a by-stander I would think it was because he was adopted.  I would just assume he's a challenging kid going through a tantrum phase. 

[Adaline'sMama]

I have a 14 month old who does the same thing. I dont think its because he's adopted Are you talking about bystanders in public, or bystanders like mamas at your playgroup or people at church? Are you worried about people who already know he is adopted?

[Whistler]

Well, it's pretty obvious.  :)

I guess more people I know, like at church.  A lot of them seemed dubious about adopting a kid.

Maybe I'm projecting.  I need to just get over it.  :)

[Adaline'sMama]

This is the babe in your user pic? I totally never would have thought twice about him being yours

But yeah, I can see how you would feel that way when there are people in your community who know and you are wondering if they think he is "bad" because he was adopted. However, if they have kids, they probably know what a hard age that is.

[Whistler]

He is mine.   (Sorry, couldn't resist)

I changed the picture to a more recent one.  He looks a lot more black now that his hair is longer.  I am a whitey, so people can usually tell.

Anyway, I'm glad to know you all think that his behavior isn't what I think people are thinking.  I have no idea where I go that...I'm glad to know it probably isn't true.

This is a difficult age, and I am so exhausted!  I use attachment parenting, but like I told someone the other day, it's like running a marathon attached to a tornado!  But, I made it through this age with his sister, so I know I'll make it through this one too.  It was just one of those days, y'know?  :)

[Adaline'sMama]

OOPS.

insert foot in mouth. Can you tell Ive never adopted?

He's adorable

[Whistler]

Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama 

OOPS.

insert foot in mouth. Can you tell Ive never adopted?

He's adorable

Thanks!  I was totally funnin' with ya... wasn't offended at all and I hope I didn't come across as snarky.  The last thing I want to do is be the adoption PC police, LOL.
 

[CrunchyChristianMama]

Originally Posted by Whistler 

He is mine.   (Sorry, couldn't resist)

I changed the picture to a more recent one.  He looks a lot more black now that his hair is longer.  I am a whitey, so people can usually tell.

Anyway, I'm glad to know you all think that his behavior isn't what I think people are thinking.  I have no idea where I go that...I'm glad to know it probably isn't true.

This is a difficult age, and I am so exhausted!  I use attachment parenting, but like I told someone the other day, it's like running a marathon attached to a tornado!  But, I made it through this age with his sister, so I know I'll make it through this one too.  It was just one of those days, y'know?  :)

That description just made my day.  That is my 2-year-old some days.  Oh my word.  If I don't lose my mind it will be a miracle!

And yes, he is yours.  When I read that I thought, "oh no!  No one jump down her throat!"  :)

[34me]

I want to come right out and say I saw this in new posts, and it touched me.  I had a little guy that was a champion fit thrower, he was exactly as you described.  I was that parent.  You know, the one that left the cart full of groceries at the customer service desk because we had to leave, the one who sat at the mall looking green while her 2 yo is no more than 10 feet away on his back screaming like we just killed his puppy.  Can't tell you why he did it but at 14 (15 a week from today) he doesn't do it any more .  He's always been a more intense kid than his siblings and life has had some bumps with him but he's a great kid!

[lauren]

I've known of many biologically related to parents toddlers that have over the top, hours long tantrums. I've known many adopted children without them. I've known adopted kids with horrible tantrums. I think this 'symptom' alone would not indicate problems related to adoption.

[Lisa1970]

I hate people with a royal passion who blames something on adoption. All kids are so different. My children are all so different from me. But when someone does not like something with regards to a child and the child is adopted, it is so easy to blame it on that. People like that should not adopt.

(((hugs)))) This phase will pass. Maybe he will be a strong willed child who never gives in to peer pressure! My daughter was a big tantrum thrower, and as a 15 yr old, I can trust her on almost anything because she is so strong willed. I know she will not do something stupid because she is strong willed and based well in her morals.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by Whistler 

Well, it's pretty obvious.  :)

I guess more people I know, like at church.  A lot of them seemed dubious about adopting a kid.

Maybe I'm projecting.  I need to just get over it.  :)

Both my kids were born to me, and one of them looks like a little minature me, but she went through stages where I was sure she could put people off the idea of ever having children. She was a real handful at times, and very loud about.  And my other child has special needs.  I'm pretty sure that some of my DH's friends thought twice about even getting married after being around our kids as toddlers!

I think it's too much pressure to put on your sweet little boy to expect him at every stage of life to be an add for how wonderful adopting a child is. He's just a little kid, barely more than a baby. He's human. He's bound to have bad moments.

[Whistler]

I really appreciate all of the comments!  Linda, you're right.  He doesn't have to be a poster child for adoption!  His job is to just be a kid. :)

I have been learning not to care so much what others think, or worse, what I think others think.  This has been good for me, in a personal growth sort of way.  I can be a better mom if I can parent my children based on what is good for them, not what makes me look good to others.  I mean I tried to do that before, but some things pop up again from time to time, y'know? 

Anyway, thanks for the BTDT stories especially. There is life after 1yo's.... :)

[mommyof1sofar]

I think tantrums are simply a toddlers way of showing they are not happy- they are frustrated, tired, hungry, what have you...But as an adoptive mom there does seem to be more judgement on us by some people who tend to think adoptive parents are more lenient- I have heard this is often the case with trans racial adopted toddlers...There is sometimes tsk tsking when our daughter gets fussy but my thought is that she is a baby/toddler who has had enough and I am doing my best to calm and soothe her AND if anyone has any issues with it or tries to blame it on her being adopted they need to get a reality check- it's a stage and ALL kids have stages that aren't always fun to be around- it's not about being an adoptive parent- it's really just about being a parent- period! :)

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by Whistler 

This has been good for me, in a personal growth sort of way.  I can be a better mom if I can parent my children based on what is good for them, not what makes me look good to others.  I mean I tried to do that before, but some things pop up again from time to time, y'know? 

They pop up from time to time for me, too. 

My kids both went through a long, pleasant, easy stages once they got past toddler hood. Parenting was really quite pleasant for  YEARS, until they turned 12.

Then I had to reminded myself all over again that making me look good to others isn't their job!

[pumpkingirl71]

This thread stuck me.  My kids has tantrums that are related to the traums she suffered.  People are constantly letting me that I am making too much of the tantrums, they are normal.  This thread makes me think that the whole world just doubts the adoptive parent.

[Linda on the move]

My comments were not to you. They were to a parent with a different situation. Not all tantrums are the same.

I'm very sorry for what your little one has been through.

[Whistler]

Originally Posted by pumpkingirl71 

This thread stuck me.  My kids has tantrums that are related to the traums she suffered.  People are constantly letting me that I am making too much of the tantrums, they are normal.  This thread makes me think that the whole world just doubts the adoptive parent.

So I am not the only one who feels this?  That an adoptive parent gets an additional raised eyebrow?

My son, thankfully, has not had previous trauma, so his tantrums are "normal" (is there such a thing?).  I can imagine that additional behavior problems would be even worse as far as people second-guessing your parenting.  Hugs to you, mama!

[WifeMomChiro]

We have not adopted yet (hopefully soon), but my bio-dd could throw some monster tantrums in her day.  No one can tell you for sure if the adoption has a part in the tantrums, but I do think we tend to project our own concerns into social situations.  For example, I work outside of the home, so I could start to think, "Oh people think my kid throws fits because I don't spend enough time with her."  That's just an example, but I hope you see what I mean.