When do tantrums start?

[neonalee]

DS has had a few episodes lately that if he were older I would suspect were tantrums. He is just past 10 months, is it a tantrum or no? Hm. And what really is the definition? If he is vocally crying but not having tears is that the same as crying with tears? This is why I can't wait for language! Shouldn't I be able to tell what is wrong? Half the time I have no idea

Sent from my Evo Shift using TapaTalk, please forgive typos

[P.J.]

I'm not sure what I'd define as a tantrum, but I know since around that age DS has had some extreme explosions of frustration. Often when he wants to do something that isn't safe so I cut him off (like when I accidentally leave the gate open, he makes a beeline for it and I get there first and shut it...lookout!). I try the best I can to keep his environment as babyproofed as possible, but it seems there is always something he gets into that I have to redirect him away from. Sometimes I can be creative and distract him and he won't get upset, other times I just have to validate his frustration and let him express it.

...don't know if that's what you mean, but that is what are the closest thing to tantrums in this house.

Also, developmentally speaking, from about age 6 months on (different for every baby of course) babies are able to cry for something that isn't a direct survival need, more of a "want".

[Friday13th]

If I was answering this when DS1 was a baby I would have said, certainly not at 10 months. But DS2 is just about 1 and for several months now has thrown himself on the ground, screaming when he's frustrated about something. I hate to call it a tantrum but he's frustrated and furious and seems to need to get that out in a really loud, physical way.

[McGucks]

What PJ describes about Max is what we see most of the time when I have to reach past our DS to shut the bathroom door.  He wails at the top of his lungs and cries with real tears.  It usually subsides pretty quickly and, while I make sure he's safe, I do not respond to it the same way I would were he hurt (ie:  picking him up, loving on him, etc.).  And, yes, I suppose these are tantrums to a degree.  DS is 14 months.  We have taught him very basic sign language, which helps somewhat and mothers of older toddlers have advised that sign has helped mitigate a lot of the frustration that must come from not being able to communicate your wants and needs.  So far, we have "milk" (we started that around 10 months and I would say by 12 months he had it down), "more," and "book" (this latest sign I only started a couple weeks ago and he has it now--his own version of it, but it's unmistakable).  I was NOT a sign advocate when he was younger, I'll admit, but I am sure on board now.  Anyway.  After his upset time is over, I will often say to him something like, "You were sad when I closed the door.  You feel more calm now."  Good luck. 

[new2this]

DD is 9 months and she has been having tantrums since around 6/7 months. Arches back, cries, hits at whoever is holding her or hits her hands down on her legs or surface. But as soon as she gets what she wants or something new with redirection(which only works half the time..she is very stubborn) she instantly stops crying. She is very dramatic about it and very much a drama queen.

It happens all the time. Like when she tries to get up the stairs and we stop her, she is playing in the dog water, we have something she wants like phones, drinks, food. 

Since at this point its out of frustration IMO then an actual tantrum we do say to her we know how upset you must be but sorry you can't have this or that or do this or that. After that we are done with it. 

[neonalee]

Thanks mamas!  Yes, it's often frustration because I won't let him ... go play with dad's tools, or eat the packing peanut he found on the floor (we just moved), etc.  Other times I think it's boredom?  He LOVES going to daycare and playing with the other kids and all the toys.  And honestly, I get very frustrated because I want him to play without me so I can finish unpacking!  I know that's not fair and we've played a lot of 'chase' lately now that he's crawling, but ...

So I guess I have 2 further questions.  What do you do about the "tantrum"?  And what can I do about his boredom?  We have a play yard but he has a fit about it because he doesn't have run of the house.  We even put new toys in there.  Now that he's crawling it's all about go go go.  Heaven forbid I try to put him in one of the exersaucers!

[P.J.]

Originally Posted by neonalee 

Thanks mamas!  Yes, it's often frustration because I won't let him ... go play with dad's tools, or eat the packing peanut he found on the floor (we just moved), etc.  Other times I think it's boredom?  He LOVES going to daycare and playing with the other kids and all the toys.  And honestly, I get very frustrated because I want him to play without me so I can finish unpacking!  I know that's not fair and we've played a lot of 'chase' lately now that he's crawling, but ...

So I guess I have 2 further questions.  What do you do about the "tantrum"?  And what can I do about his boredom?  We have a play yard but he has a fit about it because he doesn't have run of the house.  We even put new toys in there.  Now that he's crawling it's all about go go go.  Heaven forbid I try to put him in one of the exersaucers!

Isn't there any small room you could childproof and move into last? I have never moved with a baby, but I can imagine how hard it must be. I wish I had a creative solution for you, but all I know is my baby would never have tolerated being imprisoned in a play yard. You may find his tantrums are reduced if he has some area where he can play freely. That may not be possible during a move, I realise, but then maybe find some childcare options like trading off with your partner more than usual or exchange with a friend or do you have family nearby or could he spend extra time at daycare until you;re settled in and babyproofed?

As for what I do when DS has a frustration explosion: validate validate validate, and be there for him. I usually touch him somehow or hug him and say "I know you wanted to go and play in there, and I closed the gate. That must be really frustrating." Sometimes though it's just a quick scream from him and in that case I just say the words without going to him.
 

[new2this]

Luckily for us when we moved DD wasn't mobile yet. But we did one room at a time having the main rooms like bedroom, living room and kitchen done asap. DD loves her jumper but don't care for her walker unless its time to have a snack..lol She can jump in the jumper for a good 15-20 minutes before getting upset with it. but yeah even being unpacked and all moved in with her mobile the days of actually holding her in arms unless she is tired or crabby are over. She wants to move so I just let her go on her way and we baby proofed what we can. 

We validate her tantrums only so much and thats not the popular census around here but we will be taking more of a ignore it approach with some minor validation. So even right now we will say we know its not fair that you can't do this or that., Or I know you really wanted that but you can't play with that. Of course she don't understand the concept of it. But its more for practice for us more so DH since he is one that all emotions/tantrums and stuff just need to be dealt with in the sense of get over it (but hey he is willing to learn and change it so I am happy..lol). We will cuddle with her but we found with her it makes it worse. So we do a quick hug and set her down and usually within a minute or two is over. 

[neonalee]

Thanks again!  I think this is just going to be one of those times we need to just get through it little by little.  The "room" we need to make safer first is the entire lower level, since that is where we spend most of our time and he's perfectly happy wandering around if we are there with him.  But put him in a different room and leave?  Instant wails.  This AP stuff is supposed to make them more independent eventually, right? 

And he is the same with the cuddling when upset - it just makes it worse.  So not what I was expecting!

[Disco Infiltrator]

I don't think DS had what I would categorize as a "tantrum" until three and a half years old.  I actually hate that word and still refer to his response to his big feelings as "meltdowns".  Your DS is getting frustrated and/or expressing his opinion.  This is totally developmentally normal.  All we ever did with DS was sit with him as he worked through things, rubbing his back, holding him and staying present.  This is totally easy to do at nine months.  As he got older we used some of the Happiest Toddler techniques, specifically Toddler-ease, which was great.  I have to admit that I miss the days when these meltdowns and big feelings were easier to deal with.  Much more complex at four.  

I would highly discourage isolating.  That leaves a kid who is flooded with big feelings all alone to deal with them, and that's not fair to them.  Even if they're being a real pain in the rear, their feelings are real and they need help navigating them.  As an example, my son tends to meltdown right before lunch and be completely irrational - usually over some small offense like us cutting his pear instead of leaving it whole.  This is ridiculous and tiring and a waste of my time, but it's very real to him, so we wait for things to calm down.  It's also because the boy is hungry, so why should he be isolated or punished for the fact that his parents regularly forget to give him a snack?  

Sometimes I think people are hypersensitive to dreaded tantrum, watching for that first sign of the poorly behaved kid so they can nip it in the bud.  This is expecting our kids to be mini-adults.  I wish the world were more flexible and understanding toward where children are.  Tantrums, big feelings, meltdowns, are all totally normal things.  I still have all those but I've learned how to manage my disappointment where my kids are consumed with it.  Just be present with your son, have empathy and get him through to the other side, even if you don't understand.  Just wait for the "put the banana back together" meltdown.  You can't really understand their crazy little heads all of the time.