Well, DS is officially 2 weeks old today. We planned a homebirth, and after 3 days of active labour, we had to transfer and have a C-section. I'm beginning to wonder if our sort of traumatic birth experience has contributed to a case of PPD. I know that 2 weeks seems to early to call it. I'm hoping some other mamas who have been through this can listen to what I'm feeling and maybe help me figure out if I need to get help, or if this is just a regular bump in the road. It seems like anyone in my life to whom I express my feelings responds with practical advice, like letting DS "cry it out" or switching to formula, etc.
I'm going to be as honest as I can about my feelings here. Please try not to judge me. I know a lot of my emotions are not exactly...what moms should feel.
Things feel like they get worse every day with DS, not better as everyone says they will. Breastfeeding has been very painful. I've tried going to a breastfeeding clinic with a great lactation consultant. We breastfeed painlessly while there, but I could not reproduce the success at home. Everytime DS needs to eat, I sob. I don't want to feed him. I hate breastfeeding, and I find myself resenting his basic need for nourishment. Everytime he cries and I pull up my shirt, I feel like I'm just a slave to this awful pain. I want to stick it out, to give him the best (and I know that breast is best) but I'm sobbing through nearly every feeding, hoping they end quickly. Everytime someone tells me to make sure I have plenty of pillows around, to do this with the latch or that with the latch, I kind of want to punch them in the face I'm so angry. I feel like I've tried everything. And at this point, I feel like I'm a lousy mom for not feeling all the warm fuzzies moms talk about getting when they breastfeed. I feel like I couldn't have my kid vaginally, and now, I can't breastfeed him either. He's getting enough milk - growing like a weed. But I hate feeding him and I get angry at him when he tries to latch and scratches and pounds on my already sore nipple with his fists.
Aside from that, I look at this child and I don't feel anything. I don't feel love for him. I feel a lot of ambivalence and sometimes I feel angry at him. Which I hate myself for, and is mostly what I'm thinking about when I'm crying so hard. How can I feel angry toward a 2 week old child?? I realize he's adapting to life without a placenta and has no hate in his heart for me. But I feel like he detests me, and I feel like I can't connect to him. Most days, if someone told me I could get in a time machine and go back and decide not to have a baby, I would absolutely do it. I feel like Im not cut out for this mom stuff after all and taht this has been a huge mistake. DH feels the same about being a father. I think after watching me labour for 3 days then going through an unplanned C-section, he's had enough of watching me cry and be in pain and he resents our son somewhat. DH wants me to switch to bottle feeding ASAP, but I'm afraid to do it because I'm afraid pumping will ruin my milk supply.
Most days I go from sleeping when he sleeps to sobbing, back to sleeping. Here and there I can get out into the world and feel okay for a couple hours. But it never lasts. And when night comes, I'm utterly undone.
I know the first two weeks are the hardest. Everyone says so. I don't know if I need to give this more time or if I should be seeking help. I've suffered from depression before getting pregnant and I know what can happen if you let things go too long.
Thanks for letting me vent. Any feedback mamas have would be so appreciated.