I am almost 38 weeks with baby #2. I had an unmedicated, uncomplicated hospital birth with baby #1. I desperately, with all my heart, wanted a homebirth with this baby. We have the financial means and I had no doubt how amazing it would be. I searched, and searched, and searched and a homebirth *with assistance* is just absolutely not possible here for me. I KNOW it still happens here but either my contacts would share information that is no longer applicable, or didn't want to share information at all. I had a few people share names of midwives who have done homebirths here, but won't any longer (understandable), due to the legal climate here and changes in the surrounding area. (I'm in southern Illinois, close to MO, but MO midwives don't cross over anymore. I was absolutely on board with a UC (we are literally two blocks from the hospital!), but my DH (his first baby) absolutely was not, and will not budge.
I have tried my best to resign myself to the hospital, I have decided to try to wait as long as possible (I have quick births anyway) and try to go in pushing, but after just ignoring my sadness about it, tonight I'm losing it. I tried to watch the documentary "Orgasmic Birth" because I still believe in the process and I still think all the positive mental preparation I can get is great, but I had to turn it off ten minutes in because I was sobbing uncontrollably. I'm so deeply sad and heartbroken that I have to be in a strange place, with strangers, to do this. I know my DH, and I know he will TRY to still be relaxed and comfortable and natural, but he will not be the same. He can't even speak to me on the phone if someone else is in the room. There's NO WAY he will be able to cuddle, or kiss, or talk to me in any kind of intimate way with other people around. He will try, but I will feel his tension, just like I can tell when someone has entered his space when we're on the phone, even if I don't hear another person. He's just uncomfortable like that.
I am also sad, but angry and full of resentment, that even if I manage to successfully labor completely and comfortably at home, and "go in pushing" as they say, instead of the delivery and immediate time after birth being quiet, peaceful, and natural, it will all be disrupted and a flurry of activity. It's impossible to get through this whole thing in a peaceful way, start to finish, if I go to the hospital, and I'm heartbroken and furious at the same time. I feel like mine and my baby's birth and first moments are being stolen from us, the privacy that should happen at that time is being stolen from us. I am angry and furious that the choice to birth privately and naturally is stolen from me, because of where I live.
I don't know how to make myself do this, and I don't want to start my birth sobbing and sad, but I see that happening if I don't figure out some kind of way to accept this or deal with it. Help, please, anyone, even if it's just a hug. I can't stop crying.